Sticks and Stones

Finally it's warm enough to set up for writing on my patio.  :)

In recent days I have felt the brunt of a silly little game called Envy.  Envy takes form in many shapes and sizes, but recently I've experienced it in the form of name calling, control-freaking, and general attitude about what a free woman should and shouldn't be allowed to do.  As if an adult woman needs to ask for permission any more than an adult man should!  I can hear everyone getting their guard up as they read these words.  But even if we don't like to admit it, we all know there is still a very strong double-standard in this world that still gives men a right to almost anything without so much as even considering it twice.  It's total BS actually, and recently I've seen just how double-standard it can get.  As much as I know that those words said against me aren't true, and as much as I want to say they don't hurt me, the truth is, well, they kinda do.  I always feel bad when someone calls me down or accuses me of being someone or something I'm not.  No matter how hard I try not to care, their words still haunt me.

Still learning how to love myself, I've recently picked up a book by Byron Katie "Loving What Is".  She says that "the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is".  I sometimes still find myself giving so much energy to what I "think" is happening that I don't get to see it too clearly that often.  This is my lesson: to not make a judgment based on a negative assumption about what is happening.  Because normally it isn't that way at all; what we think is happening isn't.  Only our perception stops us from seeing it clearly.  Only our perception causes us to feel as bad as we do about the thoughts we're having.  And we create our reality based on the fearful thoughts we're having or are trying to fight off.

So how to stay above it all?  Well, I think the one thing that is really important for me these days is to start haning around again with enlightened people who dig me for me, dig my story, dig what I'm doing on the planet at this time.  If someone is going to argue with me or to try to get me to stop what I'm doing by criticizing me or getting angry at me (just so that they don't have to look at their insecurities any longer), then I probably shouldn't hang out with them any longer.  Male or Female.  End of story. And perhaps we were all only meant to share paths with others for a short time?  I don't know, but at this point in my life I can't sit around and consider these types of things for long anymore because it destroys all the hard work I've done over the past couple of years, almost three now. 

Talking about work, my place of employment has also been a place of serious confusion and stress over the past few months, and I don't think it's going to get any better soon.  To sum up a very long story, recently my company went through a merger with a bigger American company, all in the area of coal mining.  This was said to be a very good deal and it was something that we were quite excited about, albeit very nervous about how the actual integration of the two companies would work.  My boss didn't make it through the merger, and so my position changed quite a lot; I felt I no longer had the focus on the specific job I was hired to do and that I wanted to do, but instead work seemed to becoming very general, very non-specific, very boring.  Still all those around me seemed to be picking up speed.  I asked our HR department several times for a change in my work scenario and finally two weeks ago I received it.  I am now, ontop of the other areas that I'm working in, am back working in the legal department of the company.  It is something I'm not completely attached to and may be for the interim only as I know they are looking for a fulltime LA.  That's fine - I wanted to be busier and I got it!  In the meantime though, there has been a lot of back-stabbing and whispering (this time by evious women, not envious men) who have not won their battle, but definitely have made it difficult for some of us to work at our full capacity.  Others are vying for a piece of the pie and stomping all over everyone to get it.  Everyone's nerves have been shot, tons of outstanding questions unanswered, and we're all just hanging on in there to see what will happen.  I can't say that I haven't been putting my feelers out there again because I have been.  Looking for work again is not something I relish but there is some writing on the wall that can't be ignored.  Three of our EA team have quit and found work elsewhere (that's why I'm picking up the work in the legal department again), and just last week, right before we all left for the Canada Day long weekend, our CEO resigned.  That one hit really hard and I wonder now how many changes there will be trailing behind that announcement.  Still, something is psychically telling me to hang on in there for a bit longer.  It will be another super stressful couple of months at work, I can tell.  Not sure where this shoe will drop...

You'd think my weekend getaway to TO would be enough to calm my nerves.  But of course under these current pressures it wasn't.  So with the hubbub that went down with my men "friends", and the pressure at work all consuming, and an overall feeling of of just wanted to stick my middle finger up in the air to the entire world, I decided to take a mini-vacation BY MYSELF.  Again.  Sigh.  I know it seems like I take a lot of vacations by myself.  It is good for my soul and stress free, I can come and go as I please, be spontaneous and do whatever I want in the moment as I feel it, and listen to my Self again.  So why wouldn't I?

This time it was back to the Okanagan, where the only responsibility I had was to my sister's cat!  My sister and nephew were away themselves and so it was perfect timing for me to get up there again for a break.  And I don't know why or what it is, but whenever I hit the open road, crank the trance music, and feel the speed of my car tires cruising over the Coquihalla Highway, I always get emotional.  Like I'm driving away from the stress of things, like I'm driving to my Self again, back to clarity, back to where my shoulders are sitting back down where they're supposed to and not up around my ears.  Back to deep breathing.  When I'm driving, I suddenly get flashbacks, memories and very clear visions of why things are the way they are.  And with a mixture of sadness, relief, and joy, the tears start flowing.  I am thankful for that kind of special release, and that I'm able to do things like that for myself.

The Open Road - Highway 97 between Kelowna and Penticton

I knew the weather was going to be great this past weekend in the OK, so packed several pair of shorts and my bikini, and got out on the highway Thursday by noon to miss the traffic.  As soon as I got to the junction of north and south Highway 97, I decided right then in that moment to turn south and haul down the beautiful, lake side highway to Summerland, where I stopped in at 8th Generation Wineries, a place I was happy to have found because I knew they absolutely have some of the yummiest Pinot Grigio I've ever tasted!

8th Generation Estates

mmm....

As my sister and nephew were flying off for the weekend themselves, I just made it in time to the Kelowna Airport to see them off!  Then I continued north to Vernon, where I was happy to see my sister's cat, Griffin, and to set up my computer for writing, take a long hot shower, and drink a glass of wine before tucking myself into bed at 10:00 pm.

Griffin.  A very cool cat.

The next day was Canada Day, and although it wasn't a beach day I got a lot done: I went grocery shopping for some healthy meals I could prepare myself in my sister's enormous kitchen, I finally wrote for my blog, I took a long siesta with Griffin, and then later in the day I went out to Funtastic, an annual baseball tournament and music festival held in Vernon every Canada Day long weekend.  My brother's band, Lefty, was playing, and I have to say I was pretty impressed!  Here I thought I was going to have to sit through death metal, but no.  It was just good ol' rock n roll!

Lefty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfZlUs0ihxY

Parking my car in the grass field and then walking through the beer gardens to grab a beer for my brother and me was like a flashback to the 80's when I was a teenager living in the East Kootenays.  It was hilarious, and very humbling actually.  People have good lives in the interior.  It is much simpler, but good. 

Saturday though was a full-on beach day, thank GOD!  I was up early with my beach bag ready and a bit bottle of water, and I hit Kalamalka Lake by 9:30 in the morning.  It was fresh-tracks at the beach people!! Just my footprints can be seen in this photo!  It was glorious!  Of course the tranquility didn't last for long because shortly thereafter the beach got hit hard with families and their kids and all their extended families who also had the same idea for their long weekend.  But that's ok.  It was nice to lie there by myself, doze, people watch, take pictures...

Kalamalka Lake - as viewed from the top of the hill

The temperature got up to 28 celsius that day and it was super sweet!  After lying out for about three hours, I treated myself to a little bit of shopping (aka: air conditioning!), and then home for lunch with Griffin, but then by 2:30 or so I was out at another beach, Kin Lake.  I stayed for only a couple of hours and then got the urge to taste some wine.  So I got up right then and there, all sweaty and sticky from sunscreen, jumped into my car again and drove off down the highway spontaneously to another winery.  This time it was Grey Monk nestled on the back side of the mountains inbetween Kelowna and Vernon.  It was so friggin' beautiful I could have stayed forever.  But instead I bought a bottle of port and some port glasses and drove home to finish up my blog post.

To get to Grey Monk you have to take a little windy back road, which also passes some other beautiful wineries and some amazing hill-side homes too.  I thought I was in heaven.

Grey Monk!

The view from their patio

Awesome, huh?  I know...

The weekend was so breezy and care-free, I really got a feel for my singleness.  I enjoy hanging out with myself, and prefer it to having to wait for others or to make choices and decisions based on what others want to do.  This past weekend was simply for ME.  I strongly recommend a weekend like it for everyone if you can do it. 

Last but not least, Mission Hill Winery!  Kelowna, BC

I was fortunate enough that, in my spontaneity, my sister-in-law and niece could meet me on top of the hill as well that day!  It was a last minute phone call but I knew it might be my only chance to see them, as I needed to hit the road back to Vancity to get ahead of the traffic.  It was so great to see them both!  My brother was working but met us for lunch afterwards.  The weather on Sunday was sunny and warm, but had cloudy periods and so wasn't a full beach day.  Perfect for the drive home though. 

Sophie!  xoxo

My sister-in-law, Joanne, my niece Sophie, and Me tasting reds at Mission Hill

Greg met us afterwards for lunch - here's his family pic!

As you can see it was a full weekend, but very relaxed and very very nice.  I started this post with some negative news, stuff that you might find quite depressing.  But here's how life goes: sometimes shit happens.  You get over it and you move on.  And with sunshine, beach, and some great BC wines, it certainly makes it a lot easier, wouldn't you agree?  :) 

PS- just a little side note: last week I also had a visit from my other niece, Raeleen!  She was in town for a track meet and was able to take some time to come downtown for dinner with me!  She's a superstar!  It was great to see her too!

Raeleen and me out for dinner at Ki last week

A toast to summer!

Charleen xo

June Gloom

Toronto, ON - looking south down Yonge Street

June Gloom is what Californian’s call the hazy cloud that covers that state in the later part of May and into June, and which makes you think that it’s a very gloomy, cold day.  The thing about June Gloom though is that the “gloom” always burns off by about 1:00 in the afternoon revealing bright, bold sunshine and blue skies, and makes everyone smile again.

Well here in Vancouver we have been experiencing June Gloom pretty much all day and every day since the winter, but without the afternoon burn-off.  People are very unhappy about it; depressed, anxious, bitchy towards one another, and generally cranky about everything.   We blame Mother Nature completely for the awful weather, but the reality is that there can never be any relief in that type of blame.  For how can you blame something or someone who really doesn’t exist at all?  I often feel the need to get away from things, but at the beginning of June the weather was still so crappy that I decided enough was enough and bought myself a ticket to Toronto to visit my good friend Donna.  I needed to shake out the cobwebs and wanted to feel the night life there, but it also happened to be the same weekend that she was celebrating her 40^th birthday, which gave me even more reason to go.  Donna is a good friend, one of my oldest friends, and she and I have each been around the block more than a few times.   We met at work back in the 90’s and have remained solid friends since then even though we actually didn’t work together for long.  Well anyways, let’s just say Donna is always good to go for a party, and we made the weekend a big one. 

Donna making martinis

Donna lives in a high-rise apartment on Toronto’s famous Yonge Street, and her home gives her an excellent view of all Toronto.  After arriving at Pearson Airport, I made my way through the city to meet her there on a Friday night.  She was prepared for the start of our weekend long celebration together, and had made delicious Cosmopolitan martinis just like the ones the girls and I used to drink back in the day.  It was a welcoming gesture, and we festively got ready for our girls-night-out by playing loud house music and sipping Cosmos, chatting, laughing, and telling stories.

taweet-tawwooooo!

The great thing about Toronto is that if you don’t want to use their excellent transportation system to get around (subway or trolley car), then you can just step out onto the street and hail a cab NYC style any time of the day.  Our destination for the evening was Sotto Sotto, a very cool Italian restaurant in the Yorkville section of town, and a place where many celebrities dine during the Toronto International Film Festival.  My biggest beef about Vancouver, and you’ve all heard me whine about it before, is that the night life sucks!  Well in Toronto there is no lack of it, and there’s no lack of people to go out and enjoy it with either!  Donna’s girlfriend, Emily, had planned a girls-night-out-dinner, and for me it was so sweet to get dressed up and don the high heels and pull out the fancy hand bags for.  Honestly, I’d almost forgotten how to do it!  All the girls were super fun and sexy, powerful and intuitive, and we had a wonderful dinner together.  Oh, and the restaurant was excellent too!

www.sottosotto.ca

Afterwards we went for a cocktail at Privé just down the street, a hip-hop lounge where everyone looked flash!  All the other girls were thoroughly enjoying the atmosphere and the music.  It was a good crowd I have to admit, but who can listen to hip hop for an entire night?  Donna and I drank one drink, looked at each other and knew what we had to do.  We kissed everyone on each cheek, grabbed our jackets, and flagged down another cab.  Because after all, there’s no sense in going all the way to Toronto to listen to bad music!  No sir, Donna and I had another idea in mind.  It was called a “David Morales at Maison” kind of idea!  So for the rest of the evening we danced until literally we couldn’t walk anymore (about 4:00 a.m.) and the straps of our sandals cut into our swollen feet giving us blisters on all sides.  I guess the martinis and the vodka-with–sodas probably helped us to not feel our feet until it was almost too late!  But we didn’t care, and it was so worth it!  Maison is a moderate sized night club, decked out, and with an outdoor Barcelona -style terrace for those long, hot Toronto nights.  One of the last times I had seen David Morales was at Cavo Paradisio on Mykonos, and that was years ago.  The big, hunky, gay, tattooed stud did not let us down, let’s just say that.  He just kept on spinning the funky beats and the entire crowd was just one big perma- grin.  We partied like we were still 30 years old - it was a great night!

Um, who is this rock star?  Does anyone know? He seemed miffed that I didn't...? 

Donna 'n me (remember her?)

Back stage with David Morales

Our aching feet!

And there’s another great thing about Toronto: when you go out, people are nice to one another.  I mean they actually talk with you and wish you well.  Go figure, huh?  They don’t shove by you or act like they are better than you.  All the pretentiousness and coldness of the Vancouver night life is hundreds of miles away while you’re in Toronto, and you remember that it is normal to go out and have a good time whatever your age, whatever your style!  Three cheers for Toronto! 

Thunder storm over Toronto

The next day, even though we were completely hung-over, we now 40-something year olds woke up relatively early, ate a healthy breakfast and re-capped the evening while watching the thunder showers and lightning fall upon the city of Toronto.  I had been told that TO thunder-showers can be quite the sight, and I have to admit it was pretty amazing to watch.  The thunder booms so loudly that you’d think it happened right next to your head, and the entire sky lights up creating quite a dramatic visual of the city.  The storm didn’t last long though, and we were off by subway to Queen Street West for shopping and lunch.  Donna bought a couch (yes, a couch!), and I bought a dress.  Then Donna’s sister, Julie, met us for lunch in the park, and we watched the funky people walk by.  There are so many people living in Toronto that anyone can afford to create their own style and step out exactly the way they want.  I really dig that.  I really dig Toronto.   

Queen Street West

Julie and Donna



After heading back to Donna’s apartment for a well-needed siesta, later that evening we took the subway back downtown to her boyfriend’s place where he was waiting for us with a delicious home-made spaghetti dinner, and martinis similar to the ones we were drinking the night before.   Donna and Pete have been dating for a few months now and it was plain to see that they were both smitten with one another.  Pete was a real gentleman, and a lot of fun to party with too.  The destination: Guvernment.   It is one of Toronto’s largest night clubs and hosts the world’s biggest DJ’s.  Therefore it also pulls in the largest crowds.  Above and Beyond were playing, and even though I’d also seen them only weeks before at the Commodore in Vancouver, I was still excited to be seeing them again.  That night they absolutely blew the top off the place, and I can easily say that I have NEVER been to a party quite as wild and out of control as that one.  I’m still shocked, but not shocked enough to never go back again.  No, I’d definitely go back!  But next time I will be more mentally prepared to deal with the crowd.  Wowza! Another two-thumbs up!

Toronto at night

Pete and Donna

 

Guvnernment!

Donna, Pete, me

The next day, even more knackered than the day before, the sun was shining bright and the heat was on.  A balmy 26 degrees, and Donna and I got on our shorts and flip flops and made for The Beaches, a part of Toronto farther east and along the Great Lake.  Someone had said to me once: “Why would you go to The Beaches?  It’s crap, no one goes there…”, but after going and seeing the area myself, I am now starting to think that that person has no idea what she was talking about.  I loved it!  There was tons of beach space for people who want to lay out and get their summer roasts on, and probably about 60 volleyball nets for those who don't!  A sea wall/jogging path that goes for miles is well connected to Queen Street East which boasts tons of groovy little eateries and pubs, which again is all connected via trolley cars to downtown.  It was a super hot day and we had a breezy, laid back afternoon together.  I even dipped my toes into the water for good measure.  Then later on that afternoon it was more browsing and shopping on Queen Street.

Queen Street East

The Beaches

It was a quick trip but I think both Donna and I can say that the girls deserve a weekend like that every now and again.  I used to think Toronto was a place full of snobs and closed-minded people, and way too crowded to really have any fun.  Well I was wrong.  Toronto Rocks!

Thompson, Sharon, Brad, and Shayda



Back in Vancouver though, the weather definitely has not warmed up or resemble anything near what I think a summer should look like.  My brother and family from Victoria did come over for dinner one night and the sun stayed out long enough so that we could enjoy a BBQ on my back patio, which was awesome!

Out on the Street - Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs

Of course I do need to mention the Stanley Cup playoffs in this posting, the final series specifically, when the city of Vancouver became an absolutely Party-Fest every night of the week, a la: Canada vs. USA in the 2010 Olympics.  I’m sure I’m the only one in the city that doesn’t now own a Canuck’s jersey, as everyone in Vancouver even started wearing theirs to work!  We were very stoked, and even I admit I was very optimistic about the outcome.  I will always remember Game 5 specifically, when it seemed everyone in the city was drinking and partying, including yours truly.  A spontaneous outing with a handful of my workmates proved to be a night to remember.  Yes, even I finally jumped on the band wagon to celebrate what we all thought was definitely going to end in the Canucks taking home the Stanley Cup.  Well, do I really need to say much more about that?  I think the only thing I will say is that everything that happened afterwards in our city is so completely embarrassing and disgusting that I find it difficult to speak about without getting angry.  I can also easily say that those weren’t Vancouverites destroying our city.  No, that was riff-raff from the suburbs.  Scum really.  Too bad we live so close to them.

But let’s not talk about that, shall we?  Ahem…

At the Vancouver International Jazz Festival

Car Free Day - Commercial Drive

Danielle and Me at Jazz Fest

With no beach weather in sight, I’ve started looking around for other things to do, such as getting out to festivals and street-markets.  Car-Free Day on Commercial Drive was fun, and also The Jazz Festival has just started.  Danielle and I went down last weekend to play in the streets. 

For me work has started becoming more and more stressful as each week goes by, and without the sunshine to help get you through the doldrums, it makes it hard for everyone to remain open and cheerful.   But I see all around me that there’s no lack of enthusiasm for summer, and everyone is endlessly optimistic that we will have one.  Let’s hope July will bring out the sunshine! 

 Love, Charleen xo

Passing Ships

 Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

I wait for the inspiration to hit me before I can sit down and type anything here.  Actually, I started feeling  "called" to enter something into my blog a few days ago, I just didn't know what it would be about.  I guess I had hoped that waiting it out a bit would give me the insight I needed to complete a post.  Well, that insight hasn't happened - I still don't know what I'm supposed to write here.  I just know I'm supposed to write, period.  "Do it now, Charleen", my guides are telling me.  They must want me to work something out, to discuss something here.  Hmmm.  Here we go...

While others in town were busy watching the NHL playoffs, I instead cooked up a batch of Dal and sat down for a thoughtful and girly flick, "Eat Pray Love".  I had read the book and loved the movie when it came out in theatres.  The DVD was one that I had bought to add to my little DVD library, and tonight it called to me for some reason.  Even if a woman has not been through the break up of a marriage and then the divorce that follows after it, I think we can all appreciate the self doubt and self-realization that comes with the end of any relationship.  One of the things that this movie reminded me of was that in order to find a balanced life, sometimes one has to fall out of balance in love.  So maybe losing yourself to love, having a broken heart every now and again, or feeling like you're starting to forget who you are and what all the hard work was for, is all a part of finding the real answers in life.

Dinner out with friends - the people in my life who keep it real. 

In the past couple of months I have been dating and have met some quality men.  Some I will never see more than once.  A couple I have seen not more than a handful of occassions.  Then there are a couple of them who have been, well, shall we say, like two ships passing in the night.  And they were BIG ships, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat and renders you incapable of thinking of nothing or no-one else during the day.  The kind that makes you giggle out loud as you receive text messages in the middle of your work day, and trot down the hall with a clip to your step.  And then before you know it, the ship has passed and you realize that was all it was: just a simple passing.  Something that made you think, that made you feel, that gave you hope, and maybe bruised you a little bit too.

A good deal of self-reflection is needed after one of these ships sails by.  One really does need to take the time to stop and wonder "what's wrong with me" or "did I do something wrong?"  It seems that it's normal to go to those places of self-questioning.  After all, a grand ship should make you stop and take a look, don't you agree? 

After I get over the gloom of the realization that this ship was simply just sailing through the same waters, it feels almost as if I've been reborn again.  I hoist my sails and turn my face to the sky, breath deeply, and feel optimistic and hopeful again for the next ship that will cross my path.  Simply put, I believe this is all these fellows were meant to be to me; just someone who crosses my path.  A lesson learned is a lesson earned.  I am thankful that life continues to show itself to me on a deeper level.  Life keeps on proving that there are reasons for everything.  It reminds me that I need to continue to trust and to trust more deeply.  I am definitely learning that love has various forms - it doesn't always come to you in the way you think it should.  It will look completely different, but will always provide you with the lessons you need to be a more complete and deeper person.

Heights by great men reached and kept were not obtained by sudden flight but, while their companions slept, they were toiling upward in the night.

And I am hard on myself too, but I remind myself that I am still healing and give myself a pat on the back after one of these ships sails by.  I've come a long way, but I realize that I have a long way to go yet.  I can't expect myself to be perfect and absolutely strong and wise about everything.  I am still easily triggered by people.  Still, I have to say that I would rather take the time to learn about my emotional self  by taking baby steps and examining both the struggles and the rewards in my life, than I would by pushing myself into the next relationship that stumbles upon my door step.  I think I'm going to continue to ask valid questions, to call-out what I think is less than what I deserve, and to hopefully someday find a partner who is mature enough to handle me.  Because I know I'm not easy to get to know.  But damn, I am so good to get to know!

And in the meantime, well heck, I've booked myself a trip to T.O. to see my girlfriend Donna for her 40th birthday!  Because dang, there's no use sitting around here and getting down about things.  Nope.  It's time to shake out the cobwebs, and to set sail in distant waters!  It's been a long winter.  So I'm going to celebrate for her, and to celebrate for me, too!

Charleen xo

The Art of Self-Care

There is something to be said about having a place to go to, a place that actually feels like home.  In a world that seems like it's getting more chaotic by the day, we each need to find a place that gives us peace, that will help us ground and centre ourselves again.  A place that helps you to feel whole and not empty, and builds your energy for the next day and doesn't deplete it.  A space that is special and unique to only you, where you feel like you can shut the rest of the world out and just take care of yourself for a change.  I never thought I would say or think something so profound about a single-occupant apartment in Vancouver, yet it is exactly how I feel about my home.

At night when I get in after work, I let out a big sigh of relief and shut the door to the entire world.  I stay by myself mostly and that's just the way I want it.  I felt guilty at first when I couldn't stop myself from feeling so much freedom in closing off everything and everyone.  I thought to myself "well shouldn't I be wanting to have all my friends around me now that I have my own place?  Shouldn't I want to be the inviting, party-organizing social type of gal I used to be?"  But I've learned to let myself be, to not push myself to try to fulfill anyone else's expectations, and to wait for the intuitive signals to come to me naturally.  So far though I haven't heard any of my guides directing me to plan a shake-down for all my gal-pals!  Nope, instead they are telling me that it is perfectly alright to lock myself in my apartment and not come out all weekend long if I don't want to.  In fact, they are telling me that it is very HEALTHY!  And I know they are right because I am feeling so much stronger than even three months ago, and so much better about life in general.  So this is the art of self-care.  It's learning to let go of the pressure that even your good friends can put on you without knowing they are doing it, and the pressure that you put on yourself for not being the person you used to be.  It's accepting and learning about the New You and giving yourself as much time and space as you need to do it.  And it's about finding a serene space to do it in. 

Poking around home has never been so great!  The other day when we turned our clocks ahead, I sat all weekend long in my apartment leaving only to do the mandatory weekend grocery shopping.  I stretched and did yoga, watched movies, gave myself a facelift, slept long into the mornings and took siestas, ate healthy, drank tea, read my new book, played on the computer, turned up the volume and danced and sang to Tiesto, text messaged only when it was mandatory, and called absolutely no one at all.  It was heaven!  I can tell that some of my friends are taking offence to my vacancy from their lives.  Before I would have said "Sorry, I'm being anti-social".  But I think I'm formally changing my excuse now to: "I am practicing Self-Care".  Thank you very much!

Relatively few have actually been into my apartment, and I like it that way.  I think I'd still get all wiggy if I had a variety of energies and personalities in my home.  But I've happily started looking at bbq's and patio tables to place on my big wooden patio, and maybe by summer I'll feel friendly enough to invite some old friends over.  I bought a rake for my garden and cleaned out all the winter leaves and dead weeds.  It is getting warm enough now that I can step outside my sliding glass doors and meander around without my shoes on, and heck!  It's even warm enough that the other day I ventured out in my undies and tank top to get a closer look at the new leaves and blossoms on the bushes in my garden.  (But just for a minute, hee hee!)  Think of it!  All in the privacy of my own home!  I am also starting to date just a little here and there, and I am feeling an openness in my heart that I didn't think would ever come back.  Little by little there is more sunlight in my life and body, but it's me who is allowing it in because I finally feel strong enough to do that now.  Weeknights are booked with things that I like to do for myself, such as ashtanga yoga or conversational Spanish, and when I get home afterwards I really have to say that the last thing I feel like doing is getting on the phone and catching up with people.  Uh-uh!  Instead, I find myself quickly getting a restful state and hitting the hay pretty early.  Yeah, I know it's not an exciting life I am leading at the moment.  But whatever it is, I am doing it at my own pace and I am doing it only because, simply, I feel like doing it.  I am seriously digging not having to be concerned with anyone else.  It is very liberating.
Some of you might actually read this and consider me selfish.  I'm sorry, but I really I don't care. 

Last weekend I lamented the idea of going to Victoria to visit with my parents who had been staying there for a month, and to attending a christening for my new baby niece, Shayda.  Not that I didn't want to do those things specifically, but I really just wasn't into being social or into having to provide excuses for why I wasn't in the care-free emotional space that people thought I should be.  I told myself that no one would understand me, my family least of all, and so why should I come out of my perfect, secure hiding space to face them all?  With anxiety still weighing heavily on my chest, I took a Harbour Air flight across the water to Victoria, and lo and behold I was delighted when I saw my dad and brother waiting for me at the harbour. We all spent a wonderful weekend together: my mom and dad, my brother and his wife Sharon, and my 3 year old nephew and 8 month old niece, whose christening we all celebrated with happiness.  I left Victoria with a renewed feeling of lightness and love, and I remembered how lucky I am to have my family.  I learned that it's not just my loved ones and friends who sometimes have expectations of me.  It's actually sometimes me who is the hardest on myself. 

My mom and my niece, 8 month old Shayda

So I think I can sum this post up and say that I am getting to a really healthy place in my life.  I'm taking care of myself first and I'm not apologizing for it.  But don't let your dancing shoes and party hats get too dusty, because that part of me is still alive and well.  It's just that, well, I'm having too much friggin' fun right now looking out for my Self. 

And that's all.  :)

Charleen xo

43 - Dear Me!

Dear Me is right.  :)

Seems like simply saying "dear me!" is an appropriate way to celebrate turning 43, don't you agree?  Back in the day I wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday.  Nowadays I just don't.  I don't know if it's so much an "age" thing, although there is definitely an element of disbelief when I see a 4 and a 3 stuck together and then realize that's my age.  But, to be even more clear, it honestly seems to be more like a feeling of not wanting to celebrate me any longer.  I admit it. 

But I do celebrate myself, just not like I used to.  Last night I lit some candles and took a long hot bath - my new "necessary" spa treatment.  I sit in the hot water and think, let my thoughts come and go, heal.  At 43 I am starting to be a quirky bachlorette. I admit that too.

Today I think I'll really celebrate myself by taking myself to a yoga class at lunchtime.  Some of you might screw up your nose at that suggestion, especially when I've been asked to go to lunch by a couple well-wishers and I'm declining.  I don't know but that's all I want to do, all I feel like doing.  Isn't it absolutely perfect to do exactly what one wants to do on their birthday? 

My birth-mom, Sheila, sent me an ecard this morning, and friendly friends from Facebook have messaged me.  Text messages and BBM's, emails from people at work who somehow discovered it was my birthday.  Friends that I haven't heard from all year and who live far away somehow pull out the stops to remind me that they are thinking of me, flattering me with words like "Another year younger!", or "You're a puma, not a cougar!  Puma's are sexier..."  I think the most special yet was the voice-note from Ranji, and it also reminded me about the cool features my new blackberry has to offer.  All of these greetings have been met with a twinkle of my eye and a warm smile.  I feel loved, remembered even.  And I admit I don't know if I want to be loved or remembered.  Humble doesn't even start to describe how I feel today.

I can't help it - one of the things that I think about is how my ex, for the third year in a row, has not wished me well on my birthday.  That one stings so badly that even the thought of it brings hot tears to my eyes and I'm forced to fight them back while sitting here at my desk at work.  I am then forced to replace those thoughts with things like: He's not worth the thought!  Or: You don't want to hear from him anyways, that would ruin your day!  Or: think of all the great friends you have!  I often wonder about the battle of trying to fill my thoughts with other thoughts just to replace the feelings that go with them.  Like it's some sort of a competition or something.  Why not just admit how I feel?  Are my thoughts really so bad?  I guess what I think is most remarkable about that process is just the fact that my thoughts are so easily replaced nowadays.  I am quickly relieved and don't feel crappy for long.  Self-judgment doesn't hang around all day like it used to.  I just simply let it go.  One day, I suppose, I won't have any of those types of thoughts at all.  One day.

Friends want to do dinner with me tonight, and even this I have a hard time accepting.  One wants to take me to lunch and I feel guilty for saying yes.  All these things are playing with my mind today.  Why can't I easily accept that I deserve it?  Alas, at 43 I really have to take control of those thoughts that tell me that I'm not a good person, not worthy, not "successful", not anything...

I know they're not the truth.

My brother is in town and wants to go for coffee, and it will be nice to see him - my sweet kid brother with the big heart and the laugh that comes easily.  The guy who stood up for me ferociously when I told him about my separation.  I will always remember that.  I have a lot to learn from him.  When I look at him I think that life is really good. 

With a busy week ahead at work and a trip to the Netherlands to look forward to, I am more than happy to let this day quietly slip by.  Although it is nice to recognize it, even just a little.  I'll accept that.  That feels alright.

I'll accept me.  :)

Charleen xo

No Regrets

Did I mention that one of my "intents" for the New Year is to do a major purge?  I want to unload a ton of stuff!  The best time to do this is when you are moving, or have just moved.  So it's perfect timing for me and I am starting right NOW. 

My new home in South Granville

I'm feeling a little aggressive about it actually, like I just can't wait to get it done!  After 3 weeks in my new home and finally having unpacked all of my essentials, I am eager to forge through this next huge job and get it crossed off my list once and for all.  For all those months that I sat quietly, I am now ready to get busy on this!  And considering how much energy it takes to load even one box onto a dolly and cart it into my suite, I will be glad to get rid of all of them!  Either I'm getting old or I am just seriously out of shape, because I just can't stand lifting heavy boxes anymore.  The thought of carting all of that extra baggage around with me makes me feel kindof nauseous actually.  Whatever the reason, it is a good enough excuse for me to want to get rid of almost everything.

But as much as I'd love to do that, I know that I won't.  One has to be practical when purging: what good is getting rid of everything if you're just going to need to go out and get something exactly like it later on?  So last night I carefully, and almost without emotion, went through a total of 7 boxes that I'd brought up from my storage locker in my building, and which I hadn't opened for two years.  After sorting through them, I am happy to report that I am able to get rid of two right off the bat (if any of you want candle holders or paperback books, speak now or forever hold your peace!).  One big box will go back to my ex.  I'm tired of keeping around all those memories, and they've been weighing me down in a major way.  Obviously this process is completely attached to my emotional well-being and spiritual growth, too.

I love the patio the most...

And let's just talk about that for a minute, shall we?  Those memories that I've packed up in a box to be sent back include lots of beautiful pictures (wedding and otherwise), cd's, books, trinkets, cards that I kept (yes, I'm a little sentimental), and the DVD of our wedding ceremony in Ibiza.  While all the rest definitely triggered some emotion from me, that one little flat disc that takes up so very little space in a box actually was the thing that took up the most amount of space in my heart.  When I dug it out of one of the boxes, I knew it had to be done.  I popped it into my blue ray and sat down on my living room floor with a box of Kleenex and big piece of organic chocolate to watch, for the last time, my wedding ceremony.  It made me laugh, it made me cry.  I am now more touched than ever with the energy that my two best friends, Mark and Leigh, put out to come to Ibiza and celebrate alongside of us.  I remember being super nervous that day - what bride isn't?  But this time as I watched the DVD I saw a bunch of things that I hadn't noticed before.  For the first time I realized how nervous he was too.  At the time of our wedding I thought he was so calm, so quiet, and so strong.  But as I watched the DVD again I realized his silence was completely due to nervousness!  As the DVD started to play, I once again heard the sound of the crickets that are so common in the heat of the summer in Spain, and felt the peace that I remember washing over the entire group of us while the Mediterranean twinkled up at us.  Bride and Groom looked healthy, vibrant and tanned from lying on the beach in Southern France in the week prior to the wedding.  We were in our prime.  It still brought tears to my eyes, hearing us read the vows we wrote for one another.  There were funny parts as well, and this time I giggled out loud while watching them.  After the ceremony we both seemed like ourselves again, and super charged because of what we'd just achieved.  

Today I have to honestly say that I have no feelings of regret.  Watching that DVD again was definitely something that I had to do.  Thankfully I'm not destroyed by it; I'm not even close to falling to pieces.  I am a little blue, but I'm also happy; happy for what we both created on that cliff side, and for the intention that was put into it.  And I guess most importantly for me in all this is that, after watching that DVD, I can no longer tell myself that I am a failure at love.  I'm pretty good at love actually.  I may not be the easiest person to get to know, but love?  Why heck, that's easy.

My little kitchen

What a great load to get off my back!  Just like the boxes in my storage locker that are weighing me down and need to be purged, I've gotten what I needed from that DVD and I'm now more than happy to unload it.  It's time it found a new home.

My girlfriend Brenda always reminds me that when one door shuts, another one opens.  It's just that this one particular door has been so heavy and wide that I haven't been able to shut it very easily.  I've definitely gathered a lot of strength and wisdom in trying to push it closed though, and that is a good thing.  I think perhaps one of the hardest parts about being a human being is the pain that we each have to endure in order to learn something, in order to grow.  It is painful, yet at the same time it is also so damn beautiful.  Lessons like these.... well, they really are the reason why we are here, aren't they?

As soon as I'm finished going through my storage locker here at home, I will go back out to my big, ugly storage locker in South Van and purge all of what remains there, too.  This is a job that I'm going to work diligently at until it's done.  I have no more time or energy to keep this stuff around, and the longer I wait to clean it out, the longer my healing process will take.  Once that job is done, I will be so happy to finally, and hopefully easily, shut the door to that storage locker, too.

And that will be very soon. 

Charleen xo

A Good Year

All signs point to a good year.  Full speed ahead, Captain!

It's been a long time since I've written and my fingers feel creaky and slow behind my thoughts.   My thoughts seem slow behind my visions.  I have lost my edge.  I'm rusty.

But what better time to decide to take up the activities that you've been missing, or a new pleasure that you've always wanted to try?  Some say they don't make New Years' resolutions.  Okay, we won't call it a "resolution", per say.  We can just call it an "intent".  It is my intent for 2011 to get back into it: the writing, the physical fitness, the living for the moment, and the enjoyment of freedom.

My latest news is that after a long search, many undesirable viewings, and a whole bunch of trips back and forth to the Insecurity Market , I finally found a new home that I can call my own; a little apartment in Vancouver's South Granville area. 

http://southgranville.info/

But what a psychological trip that decision was!  Even after I'd signed the lease I remained nervous, as if all of my basic adult capabilities had gone out the window along with my self-esteem.  I questioned and doubted everything that I was about to do.  What if it's too small?  What if I move in and don't like it?  What if there's something wrong with the place?  What if my neighbours are cranky?  The "what if's" would not stop coming, and on Christmas Day I got knocked down with food poisoning which was the start to an otherwise crappy and super stressful Christmas holiday.  By the time moving day came, I was just an ugly glob of sickly looking mush!  Anyone could have come by and pushed me over with just their finger, that's how weak I felt.  It seemed as if all my hang-ups and fears had come back to haunt me, and they wanted their day of reckoning RIGHT NOW!  Eyes puffy and dark from crying, I felt like the decision to have somewhere I could call "home" had done nothing but open up a disgusting can of worms.   After being sealed tight and stuffed into a storage locker in South Van for almost two years, it seemed like every single box brought a new wave of pain, tears, and self-doubt.  Thankfully, with the help of some good movers and a couple of very good friends who came to my rescue to help me unpack my kitchen just when I thought I was about to lose it (thanks Danielle and Maggie!), I somehow kept it together.   Hyper-sensitive and over-tired, I sliced a chunk off my thumb on New Year's Eve while attempting to make dinner, and  it bled for several hours afterwards.  That too brought upon another surge of tears and the acknowledgment that it could have been so much worse.  After that maneuver I was damn lucky to even have a thumb!  Lying in my deliciously comfy bed which had just been freshly removed from storage, crying my eyes out and holding my wounded thumb in the air feeling sorry for myself, I realized right then that it was actually the epitome of my life.  "It could have been so much worse".  I heard the words ringing in my head.  And in that tiny moment just before my tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and before I finally drifted off to sleep, I understood that it was time to let everything go and to just accept that I was going to be alright.  It was time to accept that everything was, and is, going to work out for me.  I had to accept that there is a perfect plan for me. 

I surrendered.

Now two weeks later and fully back into the swing of things, my boxes are unpacked for the most part (except for several that I unfortunately have no room for and which I have to keep in storage while I go about the chore of purging them, one by one), my home is in order and my life seems like it is taking its own shape again.  I am finally getting back to the gym more often and thoroughly enjoying the Steve Nash Fitness Club in downtown Vancouver, conveniently located only a block and a half away from my office.  I have plans to go dancing with Maggie again this Saturday night at The Commodore (that's right - some things will never change!).  When I come "home" in the evenings, I am able to sit quietly in my own living room, sans roommate and teenaged son, and decide whether to watch TV for awhile, or write in my blog.  I had forgotten what it felt like: the simple pleasure of poking around.  As I look out my 10 foot high windows and onto my just recently scrubbed deck, I feel relaxed and nourished by the privacy of the green trees and plants that surround my home.  I am here at home on a Monday night, fuzzy socks and housecoat on, my dishwasher softly working away in the kitchen.  I think to myself "Wow, what gifts!"  Gifts that I probably took for granted so much in previous years that I didn't even know how to be thankful for them.  And now here I am: Alone.  Single.  Quiet.  Thankful.

Of course no celebration of a new year is complete without at least one outing to go dancing to world class trance music and watch a molto-sexy, world class DJ shake his butt all night long.  And Maggie and I definitely made certain that we sampled every ounce of that kind of experience and went out together on New Years' Day to take in the Markus Schultz concert at Gossip.  We had back stage passes and tons of room for dancing, and even sat around and laughed and chatted with friendly Mr. Schultz before the show.  I normally don't celebrate New Years' Eve - it's so completely overrated.  But New Years' Day with Markus Schultz??  One would have to be just plain crazy to pass over that kind of shake down!

Maggie and Char

Wannabe Rock Stars and current MS Groupies

We love Markus!

On the last night of my Christmas vacation I finally got out to trial-run my new snowboarding gear with my good friend, Mark, up at Cypress Mountain.  On a crystal clear and cold Monday night, we rode the Sky Chair and watched the red sun set behind Bowen Island and Howe Sound.  I realized how bloody lucky I was to be there, alive and healthy.  Why had I never seen how pretty it was before? 

A very cool thing in my life right now is that each Wednesday evening I meet with a new friend, a young man from Valencia, Spain (of all places!) who has come to Vancouver with his girlfriend to work for a year.  He truly wants to speak English as much as possible and in as many situations as possible.  We swap languages and it works out perfectly for both of us.  For awhile there I thought I'd have to give up on Spanish, but now and without any effort at all a new friend has come into my life and he wants exactly what I want.  I am glad about this!

This past weekend I think it really hit home with me how very single I am.  It is so awesome to intuitively do things at my own pace, and without considering someone else's schedule.  It went something like this:

• Friday after work I picked up my new custom made L-Shaped patio bench
• Hung two pieces of art (still have more to do, but whatever)
• Went for a beer at Café Barney – crappy local hangout and the only place in South Gran to grab a pint
• Slept 12 hours
• Woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, cooked myself French Toast for breakfast and happily ate it at my own table!
• Organized and purged my dresser and closets while listening to an old Ministry of Sound CD at full volume
• Took a long, hot bath with fragrant bath salts
• Skype-called a friend overseas
• Finalized and confirmed my accommodation in both Utrecht and Amsterdam for February
• Drove out to IKEA to purchase some new space savers for my home
• Stopped in at my old place in South Van to pick up mail
• Brought two big garbage bags and a box full of winter clothes and coats to Covenant House (they take donations any time, by the way...)
• Went to a dinner party on Saturday night with the zany photographer man from East Van and his posse
• Sunday a.m. breakfast on East Hastings with East Van Man
• Did all my grocery shopping
• Bought a tarp at 3 Vets to cover my new patio bench
• Came home and scrubbed the crap out of my big awesome patio, and now it is slime-free and super clean and pretty
• Purchased tickets to Sasha at the Commodore for this coming Saturday night (YEEHOO!)
• Took a glorious and rare two hour siesta
• East Van Man helped me to finally hang my spice rack and under-cabinet lighting in my kitchen
• Listened to a full CD of Armin Van Buuren's new "A State of Trance Year Mix 2010", just released December 17 and autographed by Armin himself!
• Cooked dinner for East Van Man while he constructed the pain-in-the-ars dresser from IKEA that I had purchased the day before
• Put remainder of clothes (work out gear) into my new dresser and finally got ALL my suitcases and boxes off the floor
• Took out the garbage and the recycling
• Vacuumed my apartment 
• Loaded all my spices into the spice rack and got rid of another two more boxes
• Cleaned the kitchen
• Watched a movie on my Sony Bravia TV
• Fell asleep around 11:00 pm

Now THAT is a full weekend! 

My face has aged and my body has too. My spine is curled from months of sorrow and self-hatred, and when I look in the mirror I don't see the pretty woman who wrote her own vows of commitment and recited them to her fiancee atop a cliff in the Mediterranean only a few short years ago, thinking "...Now my life is set in stone!"  No, I am not that person any longer. But in my new space I feel like, somehow, I can start to recreate myself again.  Like I can become who I'm really supposed to be and flourish because my choices are my own. Sitting atop my Chintz & Co. fluffy cream coloured sofa that I've just recently rescued from my storage unit, I can't help but think that, simply, the timing is right. It has been long in coming, this rediscovery of Me. And now that I can choose for myself, I know that I will choose a life of freedom, humour, spontaneity, honesty and love. 

And it feels like I really am living it.

Charleen xo