Finally it's warm enough to set up for writing on my patio. :)
In recent days I have felt the brunt of a silly little game called Envy. Envy takes form in many shapes and sizes, but recently I've experienced it in the form of name calling, control-freaking, and general attitude about what a free woman should and shouldn't be allowed to do. As if an adult woman needs to ask for permission any more than an adult man should! I can hear everyone getting their guard up as they read these words. But even if we don't like to admit it, we all know there is still a very strong double-standard in this world that still gives men a right to almost anything without so much as even considering it twice. It's total BS actually, and recently I've seen just how double-standard it can get. As much as I know that those words said against me aren't true, and as much as I want to say they don't hurt me, the truth is, well, they kinda do. I always feel bad when someone calls me down or accuses me of being someone or something I'm not. No matter how hard I try not to care, their words still haunt me.
Still learning how to love myself, I've recently picked up a book by Byron Katie "Loving What Is". She says that "the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is". I sometimes still find myself giving so much energy to what I "think" is happening that I don't get to see it too clearly that often. This is my lesson: to not make a judgment based on a negative assumption about what is happening. Because normally it isn't that way at all; what we think is happening isn't. Only our perception stops us from seeing it clearly. Only our perception causes us to feel as bad as we do about the thoughts we're having. And we create our reality based on the fearful thoughts we're having or are trying to fight off.
So how to stay above it all? Well, I think the one thing that is really important for me these days is to start haning around again with enlightened people who dig me for me, dig my story, dig what I'm doing on the planet at this time. If someone is going to argue with me or to try to get me to stop what I'm doing by criticizing me or getting angry at me (just so that they don't have to look at their insecurities any longer), then I probably shouldn't hang out with them any longer. Male or Female. End of story. And perhaps we were all only meant to share paths with others for a short time? I don't know, but at this point in my life I can't sit around and consider these types of things for long anymore because it destroys all the hard work I've done over the past couple of years, almost three now.
Talking about work, my place of employment has also been a place of serious confusion and stress over the past few months, and I don't think it's going to get any better soon. To sum up a very long story, recently my company went through a merger with a bigger American company, all in the area of coal mining. This was said to be a very good deal and it was something that we were quite excited about, albeit very nervous about how the actual integration of the two companies would work. My boss didn't make it through the merger, and so my position changed quite a lot; I felt I no longer had the focus on the specific job I was hired to do and that I wanted to do, but instead work seemed to becoming very general, very non-specific, very boring. Still all those around me seemed to be picking up speed. I asked our HR department several times for a change in my work scenario and finally two weeks ago I received it. I am now, ontop of the other areas that I'm working in, am back working in the legal department of the company. It is something I'm not completely attached to and may be for the interim only as I know they are looking for a fulltime LA. That's fine - I wanted to be busier and I got it! In the meantime though, there has been a lot of back-stabbing and whispering (this time by evious women, not envious men) who have not won their battle, but definitely have made it difficult for some of us to work at our full capacity. Others are vying for a piece of the pie and stomping all over everyone to get it. Everyone's nerves have been shot, tons of outstanding questions unanswered, and we're all just hanging on in there to see what will happen. I can't say that I haven't been putting my feelers out there again because I have been. Looking for work again is not something I relish but there is some writing on the wall that can't be ignored. Three of our EA team have quit and found work elsewhere (that's why I'm picking up the work in the legal department again), and just last week, right before we all left for the Canada Day long weekend, our CEO resigned. That one hit really hard and I wonder now how many changes there will be trailing behind that announcement. Still, something is psychically telling me to hang on in there for a bit longer. It will be another super stressful couple of months at work, I can tell. Not sure where this shoe will drop...
You'd think my weekend getaway to TO would be enough to calm my nerves. But of course under these current pressures it wasn't. So with the hubbub that went down with my men "friends", and the pressure at work all consuming, and an overall feeling of of just wanted to stick my middle finger up in the air to the entire world, I decided to take a mini-vacation BY MYSELF. Again. Sigh. I know it seems like I take a lot of vacations by myself. It is good for my soul and stress free, I can come and go as I please, be spontaneous and do whatever I want in the moment as I feel it, and listen to my Self again. So why wouldn't I?
This time it was back to the Okanagan, where the only responsibility I had was to my sister's cat! My sister and nephew were away themselves and so it was perfect timing for me to get up there again for a break. And I don't know why or what it is, but whenever I hit the open road, crank the trance music, and feel the speed of my car tires cruising over the Coquihalla Highway, I always get emotional. Like I'm driving away from the stress of things, like I'm driving to my Self again, back to clarity, back to where my shoulders are sitting back down where they're supposed to and not up around my ears. Back to deep breathing. When I'm driving, I suddenly get flashbacks, memories and very clear visions of why things are the way they are. And with a mixture of sadness, relief, and joy, the tears start flowing. I am thankful for that kind of special release, and that I'm able to do things like that for myself.
The Open Road - Highway 97 between Kelowna and Penticton
I knew the weather was going to be great this past weekend in the OK, so packed several pair of shorts and my bikini, and got out on the highway Thursday by noon to miss the traffic. As soon as I got to the junction of north and south Highway 97, I decided right then in that moment to turn south and haul down the beautiful, lake side highway to Summerland, where I stopped in at 8th Generation Wineries, a place I was happy to have found because I knew they absolutely have some of the yummiest Pinot Grigio I've ever tasted!
8th Generation Estates
mmm....
As my sister and nephew were flying off for the weekend themselves, I just made it in time to the Kelowna Airport to see them off! Then I continued north to Vernon, where I was happy to see my sister's cat, Griffin, and to set up my computer for writing, take a long hot shower, and drink a glass of wine before tucking myself into bed at 10:00 pm.
Griffin. A very cool cat.
The next day was Canada Day, and although it wasn't a beach day I got a lot done: I went grocery shopping for some healthy meals I could prepare myself in my sister's enormous kitchen, I finally wrote for my blog, I took a long siesta with Griffin, and then later in the day I went out to Funtastic, an annual baseball tournament and music festival held in Vernon every Canada Day long weekend. My brother's band, Lefty, was playing, and I have to say I was pretty impressed! Here I thought I was going to have to sit through death metal, but no. It was just good ol' rock n roll!
Lefty!
Parking my car in the grass field and then walking through the beer gardens to grab a beer for my brother and me was like a flashback to the 80's when I was a teenager living in the East Kootenays. It was hilarious, and very humbling actually. People have good lives in the interior. It is much simpler, but good.
Saturday though was a full-on beach day, thank GOD! I was up early with my beach bag ready and a bit bottle of water, and I hit Kalamalka Lake by 9:30 in the morning. It was fresh-tracks at the beach people!! Just my footprints can be seen in this photo! It was glorious! Of course the tranquility didn't last for long because shortly thereafter the beach got hit hard with families and their kids and all their extended families who also had the same idea for their long weekend. But that's ok. It was nice to lie there by myself, doze, people watch, take pictures...
Kalamalka Lake - as viewed from the top of the hill
The temperature got up to 28 celsius that day and it was super sweet! After lying out for about three hours, I treated myself to a little bit of shopping (aka: air conditioning!), and then home for lunch with Griffin, but then by 2:30 or so I was out at another beach, Kin Lake. I stayed for only a couple of hours and then got the urge to taste some wine. So I got up right then and there, all sweaty and sticky from sunscreen, jumped into my car again and drove off down the highway spontaneously to another winery. This time it was Grey Monk nestled on the back side of the mountains inbetween Kelowna and Vernon. It was so friggin' beautiful I could have stayed forever. But instead I bought a bottle of port and some port glasses and drove home to finish up my blog post.
To get to Grey Monk you have to take a little windy back road, which also passes some other beautiful wineries and some amazing hill-side homes too. I thought I was in heaven.
Grey Monk!
The view from their patio
Awesome, huh? I know...
The weekend was so breezy and care-free, I really got a feel for my singleness. I enjoy hanging out with myself, and prefer it to having to wait for others or to make choices and decisions based on what others want to do. This past weekend was simply for ME. I strongly recommend a weekend like it for everyone if you can do it.
Last but not least, Mission Hill Winery! Kelowna, BC
I was fortunate enough that, in my spontaneity, my sister-in-law and niece could meet me on top of the hill as well that day! It was a last minute phone call but I knew it might be my only chance to see them, as I needed to hit the road back to Vancity to get ahead of the traffic. It was so great to see them both! My brother was working but met us for lunch afterwards. The weather on Sunday was sunny and warm, but had cloudy periods and so wasn't a full beach day. Perfect for the drive home though.
Sophie! xoxo
My sister-in-law, Joanne, my niece Sophie, and Me tasting reds at Mission Hill
Greg met us afterwards for lunch - here's his family pic!
As you can see it was a full weekend, but very relaxed and very very nice. I started this post with some negative news, stuff that you might find quite depressing. But here's how life goes: sometimes shit happens. You get over it and you move on. And with sunshine, beach, and some great BC wines, it certainly makes it a lot easier, wouldn't you agree? :)
PS- just a little side note: last week I also had a visit from my other niece, Raeleen! She was in town for a track meet and was able to take some time to come downtown for dinner with me! She's a superstar! It was great to see her too!
Raeleen and me out for dinner at Ki last week
A toast to summer!
Charleen xo
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