It's been so long since I've written that I couldn't even remember how to get into Blogger.com. Yes, it's pathetic. I can't remember what it feels like to write either, but in the last couple of days I've had the clear image of this exact website pop into my head a number of times. So I figured I'd better log in, and here I am. Even my fingers feel stale.
As I write this I wonder if writing this blog isn't something that isn't current for me any longer. I started writing when I went to Spain in 2009, and in part it was meant to be a way to keep up with people, post pictures, etc, while I was away. It turned into a way for me to take a deeper look inside, do some serious healing, venting and complaining, and then it became almost an addiction, a true passion. Maybe writing was meant to be my form of therapy. Now, and I'm not sure exactly why, I feel really disconnected from this blog. Life has been hard the past few months and I'm quietly learning to have patience, be silent when I need to and just observe everything around me, and to listen for the inner wisdom to speak clearly to me. At the moment, I happen to be on a bit of a getaway from it all which is allowing me to find that inner quiet again; I'm house-sitting for a big retro 70's style home in East Vancouver, and I guess its given me the quiet and solitude I needed to start again finding directly by listening to my intuition. How do people live otherwise? I'd like to know. In any case, I sometimes do feel like this blog isn't really representative of who I am anymore. It's something I'm exploring...
The thing is that life is truly meant to get in the way of your dreams. That's the whole idea about being a human, at least this is what I believe. I think humans are always wanting to aspire to greatness, to be the best, and this is a very honourable quality. The lessons come because of this crazy planet we've chosen to find our greatness on. It makes life tough, well, it certainly doesn't make it easy. Therein lies the lessons. I say this positively; the journey is so unbelievable that there isn't a doubt in mind that this is all just one big learning experience. How awesome is that? What I've been learning is that it isn't supposed to look pretty either, but that it's our belief behind what we think it has to look like that makes all the difference. Having this downtime to think stay quiet, I have started again to watch my thought-process, to almost be meditative in the way I'm moving and how I make my decisions. I've been watching myself and asking why I do things in certain ways, and or have been exploring where a certain belief comes from. I like to think I'm learning about grace, even though some days I still feel completely ungraceful and cumbersome in life. Like a toddler who still trips over his own feet often enough that he is never without scrapes and scabs on his knees and elbows. :)
At almost 5 years since my marriage collapsed, I have to just say that I'm much better, and now I'm more like the person I thought I should be. But there has been a lot to let go of, ideas and beliefs that I hadn't known I'd picked up. I've definitely been clawing it back to my Self since then. Do I think about him still? Yep. Although lately I've discovered that I don't think about him every day now, and when I do I don't feel so emotionally challenged by it. Sometimes I've even felt a little guilty for completely breezing through what used to be looked up as a special date (birthdays, anniversary dates, etc), and then remembering it a few days later. Sentimental feelings only go so far I guess. It feels like it was a story, a story I needed to connect to for awhile so I could learn the lesson. Still can't clearly say what that was all about, and maybe I don't need to know. Why does it even need to have a label, a name? It's a personal thing, after all. But these days I'm actually really enjoying single-dom, and am empowered by the knowledge that the decisions in my life only have to do with me. I don't have to consider anyone else right now, and this is a luxury.
I don't want to discuss all that practical, earthly stuff like looking for a job or dealing with car issues. I just want to talk about what's True. Lately I've had almost no patience at all for the mundane, for listening to people's "blah dee blah blah blah" all day long. I am really enjoying consciously choosing my thoughts, and watching how life unfolds around the thoughts I choose in a more positive way for me. Life just gets easier when I listen to my own thoughts, my own inner ear. How the heck did I ever get this far with the belief that I should try to stick to the norm, to what everyone else said was proper? I'm enjoying finding my way back to the gal that used to be Unorthodox. I like this aspect about me very much, thanks.
Christmas this year was really nice. I spent the afternoon and evening with Dina getting drunk on Prosecco and eating so much dinner our stomachs hurt. Then then we watched the Jim Carrey Movie Marathon on TV. It was wonderful and relaxed. Of course I did make the traditional Brussels Sprouts recipe that my mom makes every year, and I tried my hand at baked yam mashed with some cinnamon, nutmeg, orange juice, brown sugar.... you get the idea. Dina did the turkey which turned out absolutely perfect. It was a fantastic day, best Christmas I've had in a long time. I connected with all my brothers and sisters on Christmas morning via telephone, because God knows that it takes at least two hours to call and talk to everyone. I love my family. My family rocks.
At the moment I feel very relaxed. I'm enjoying having this big space to myself. I really enjoy that it's clean, or that at least it's me who controls the clutter. I've allowed myself to sleep as much as I want. On the 27th I didn't get out of my pj's all day long, I didn't brush my hair or put on makeup, I didn't talk to anyone on the phone. It was heaven. Truly. I'm enjoying the quiet time. On the 26th my friend from Kelowna (you remember him, don't you?) came down for a visit. We had a super time together, just the way it should be right?
I did get a chance to go dancing in December with a group of friends, some old some new, to Sasha (UK). We had a very twinkly night together. That feel-good energy has kept me going through the month, I have to say.
I've been thinking about my future a lot. Some nights it really keeps me awake or causes me to bolt straight up in the middle of the night and then not be able to get back to sleep. I am fighting that with a vengeance by giving myself permission myself sleep later and take a true vacation from stress, holding kinder thoughts in my head, and remembering to be thankful every day for what I have. I think that this down time will only help to strengthen me in the long run. I am really looking forward to 2014.
I don't have much more that I'd like to comment on at this time, but I will say that I'm thinking of all my friends and family who, almost every one of them, are also finding times tough at the moment. Try to remember that you are never alone. That's the best advice I can.
Onward!
Charleen
Writing from a 70's retro kitchen - funky town!
As I write this I wonder if writing this blog isn't something that isn't current for me any longer. I started writing when I went to Spain in 2009, and in part it was meant to be a way to keep up with people, post pictures, etc, while I was away. It turned into a way for me to take a deeper look inside, do some serious healing, venting and complaining, and then it became almost an addiction, a true passion. Maybe writing was meant to be my form of therapy. Now, and I'm not sure exactly why, I feel really disconnected from this blog. Life has been hard the past few months and I'm quietly learning to have patience, be silent when I need to and just observe everything around me, and to listen for the inner wisdom to speak clearly to me. At the moment, I happen to be on a bit of a getaway from it all which is allowing me to find that inner quiet again; I'm house-sitting for a big retro 70's style home in East Vancouver, and I guess its given me the quiet and solitude I needed to start again finding directly by listening to my intuition. How do people live otherwise? I'd like to know. In any case, I sometimes do feel like this blog isn't really representative of who I am anymore. It's something I'm exploring...
The thing is that life is truly meant to get in the way of your dreams. That's the whole idea about being a human, at least this is what I believe. I think humans are always wanting to aspire to greatness, to be the best, and this is a very honourable quality. The lessons come because of this crazy planet we've chosen to find our greatness on. It makes life tough, well, it certainly doesn't make it easy. Therein lies the lessons. I say this positively; the journey is so unbelievable that there isn't a doubt in mind that this is all just one big learning experience. How awesome is that? What I've been learning is that it isn't supposed to look pretty either, but that it's our belief behind what we think it has to look like that makes all the difference. Having this downtime to think stay quiet, I have started again to watch my thought-process, to almost be meditative in the way I'm moving and how I make my decisions. I've been watching myself and asking why I do things in certain ways, and or have been exploring where a certain belief comes from. I like to think I'm learning about grace, even though some days I still feel completely ungraceful and cumbersome in life. Like a toddler who still trips over his own feet often enough that he is never without scrapes and scabs on his knees and elbows. :)
At almost 5 years since my marriage collapsed, I have to just say that I'm much better, and now I'm more like the person I thought I should be. But there has been a lot to let go of, ideas and beliefs that I hadn't known I'd picked up. I've definitely been clawing it back to my Self since then. Do I think about him still? Yep. Although lately I've discovered that I don't think about him every day now, and when I do I don't feel so emotionally challenged by it. Sometimes I've even felt a little guilty for completely breezing through what used to be looked up as a special date (birthdays, anniversary dates, etc), and then remembering it a few days later. Sentimental feelings only go so far I guess. It feels like it was a story, a story I needed to connect to for awhile so I could learn the lesson. Still can't clearly say what that was all about, and maybe I don't need to know. Why does it even need to have a label, a name? It's a personal thing, after all. But these days I'm actually really enjoying single-dom, and am empowered by the knowledge that the decisions in my life only have to do with me. I don't have to consider anyone else right now, and this is a luxury.
I don't want to discuss all that practical, earthly stuff like looking for a job or dealing with car issues. I just want to talk about what's True. Lately I've had almost no patience at all for the mundane, for listening to people's "blah dee blah blah blah" all day long. I am really enjoying consciously choosing my thoughts, and watching how life unfolds around the thoughts I choose in a more positive way for me. Life just gets easier when I listen to my own thoughts, my own inner ear. How the heck did I ever get this far with the belief that I should try to stick to the norm, to what everyone else said was proper? I'm enjoying finding my way back to the gal that used to be Unorthodox. I like this aspect about me very much, thanks.
Christmas this year was really nice. I spent the afternoon and evening with Dina getting drunk on Prosecco and eating so much dinner our stomachs hurt. Then then we watched the Jim Carrey Movie Marathon on TV. It was wonderful and relaxed. Of course I did make the traditional Brussels Sprouts recipe that my mom makes every year, and I tried my hand at baked yam mashed with some cinnamon, nutmeg, orange juice, brown sugar.... you get the idea. Dina did the turkey which turned out absolutely perfect. It was a fantastic day, best Christmas I've had in a long time. I connected with all my brothers and sisters on Christmas morning via telephone, because God knows that it takes at least two hours to call and talk to everyone. I love my family. My family rocks.
Dina and the bird
I did get a chance to go dancing in December with a group of friends, some old some new, to Sasha (UK). We had a very twinkly night together. That feel-good energy has kept me going through the month, I have to say.
Lynda and I connected with Mario, Fabio and Wayne
for Sasha at Celebrities
I've been thinking about my future a lot. Some nights it really keeps me awake or causes me to bolt straight up in the middle of the night and then not be able to get back to sleep. I am fighting that with a vengeance by giving myself permission myself sleep later and take a true vacation from stress, holding kinder thoughts in my head, and remembering to be thankful every day for what I have. I think that this down time will only help to strengthen me in the long run. I am really looking forward to 2014.
I don't have much more that I'd like to comment on at this time, but I will say that I'm thinking of all my friends and family who, almost every one of them, are also finding times tough at the moment. Try to remember that you are never alone. That's the best advice I can.
Onward!
Charleen
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