There is something to be said about having a place to go to, a place that actually feels like home. In a world that seems like it's getting more chaotic by the day, we each need to find a place that gives us peace, that will help us ground and centre ourselves again. A place that helps you to feel whole and not empty, and builds your energy for the next day and doesn't deplete it. A space that is special and unique to only you, where you feel like you can shut the rest of the world out and just take care of yourself for a change. I never thought I would say or think something so profound about a single-occupant apartment in Vancouver, yet it is exactly how I feel about my home.
At night when I get in after work, I let out a big sigh of relief and shut the door to the entire world. I stay by myself mostly and that's just the way I want it. I felt guilty at first when I couldn't stop myself from feeling so much freedom in closing off everything and everyone. I thought to myself "well shouldn't I be wanting to have all my friends around me now that I have my own place? Shouldn't I want to be the inviting, party-organizing social type of gal I used to be?" But I've learned to let myself be, to not push myself to try to fulfill anyone else's expectations, and to wait for the intuitive signals to come to me naturally. So far though I haven't heard any of my guides directing me to plan a shake-down for all my gal-pals! Nope, instead they are telling me that it is perfectly alright to lock myself in my apartment and not come out all weekend long if I don't want to. In fact, they are telling me that it is very HEALTHY! And I know they are right because I am feeling so much stronger than even three months ago, and so much better about life in general. So this is the art of self-care. It's learning to let go of the pressure that even your good friends can put on you without knowing they are doing it, and the pressure that you put on yourself for not being the person you used to be. It's accepting and learning about the New You and giving yourself as much time and space as you need to do it. And it's about finding a serene space to do it in.
Poking around home has never been so great! The other day when we turned our clocks ahead, I sat all weekend long in my apartment leaving only to do the mandatory weekend grocery shopping. I stretched and did yoga, watched movies, gave myself a facelift, slept long into the mornings and took siestas, ate healthy, drank tea, read my new book, played on the computer, turned up the volume and danced and sang to Tiesto, text messaged only when it was mandatory, and called absolutely no one at all. It was heaven! I can tell that some of my friends are taking offence to my vacancy from their lives. Before I would have said "Sorry, I'm being anti-social". But I think I'm formally changing my excuse now to: "I am practicing Self-Care". Thank you very much!
Relatively few have actually been into my apartment, and I like it that way. I think I'd still get all wiggy if I had a variety of energies and personalities in my home. But I've happily started looking at bbq's and patio tables to place on my big wooden patio, and maybe by summer I'll feel friendly enough to invite some old friends over. I bought a rake for my garden and cleaned out all the winter leaves and dead weeds. It is getting warm enough now that I can step outside my sliding glass doors and meander around without my shoes on, and heck! It's even warm enough that the other day I ventured out in my undies and tank top to get a closer look at the new leaves and blossoms on the bushes in my garden. (But just for a minute, hee hee!) Think of it! All in the privacy of my own home! I am also starting to date just a little here and there, and I am feeling an openness in my heart that I didn't think would ever come back. Little by little there is more sunlight in my life and body, but it's me who is allowing it in because I finally feel strong enough to do that now. Weeknights are booked with things that I like to do for myself, such as ashtanga yoga or conversational Spanish, and when I get home afterwards I really have to say that the last thing I feel like doing is getting on the phone and catching up with people. Uh-uh! Instead, I find myself quickly getting a restful state and hitting the hay pretty early. Yeah, I know it's not an exciting life I am leading at the moment. But whatever it is, I am doing it at my own pace and I am doing it only because, simply, I feel like doing it. I am seriously digging not having to be concerned with anyone else. It is very liberating.
Some of you might actually read this and consider me selfish. I'm sorry, but I really I don't care.
Last weekend I lamented the idea of going to Victoria to visit with my parents who had been staying there for a month, and to attending a christening for my new baby niece, Shayda. Not that I didn't want to do those things specifically, but I really just wasn't into being social or into having to provide excuses for why I wasn't in the care-free emotional space that people thought I should be. I told myself that no one would understand me, my family least of all, and so why should I come out of my perfect, secure hiding space to face them all? With anxiety still weighing heavily on my chest, I took a Harbour Air flight across the water to Victoria, and lo and behold I was delighted when I saw my dad and brother waiting for me at the harbour. We all spent a wonderful weekend together: my mom and dad, my brother and his wife Sharon, and my 3 year old nephew and 8 month old niece, whose christening we all celebrated with happiness. I left Victoria with a renewed feeling of lightness and love, and I remembered how lucky I am to have my family. I learned that it's not just my loved ones and friends who sometimes have expectations of me. It's actually sometimes me who is the hardest on myself.
So I think I can sum this post up and say that I am getting to a really healthy place in my life. I'm taking care of myself first and I'm not apologizing for it. But don't let your dancing shoes and party hats get too dusty, because that part of me is still alive and well. It's just that, well, I'm having too much friggin' fun right now looking out for my Self.
And that's all. :)
Charleen xo
At night when I get in after work, I let out a big sigh of relief and shut the door to the entire world. I stay by myself mostly and that's just the way I want it. I felt guilty at first when I couldn't stop myself from feeling so much freedom in closing off everything and everyone. I thought to myself "well shouldn't I be wanting to have all my friends around me now that I have my own place? Shouldn't I want to be the inviting, party-organizing social type of gal I used to be?" But I've learned to let myself be, to not push myself to try to fulfill anyone else's expectations, and to wait for the intuitive signals to come to me naturally. So far though I haven't heard any of my guides directing me to plan a shake-down for all my gal-pals! Nope, instead they are telling me that it is perfectly alright to lock myself in my apartment and not come out all weekend long if I don't want to. In fact, they are telling me that it is very HEALTHY! And I know they are right because I am feeling so much stronger than even three months ago, and so much better about life in general. So this is the art of self-care. It's learning to let go of the pressure that even your good friends can put on you without knowing they are doing it, and the pressure that you put on yourself for not being the person you used to be. It's accepting and learning about the New You and giving yourself as much time and space as you need to do it. And it's about finding a serene space to do it in.
Poking around home has never been so great! The other day when we turned our clocks ahead, I sat all weekend long in my apartment leaving only to do the mandatory weekend grocery shopping. I stretched and did yoga, watched movies, gave myself a facelift, slept long into the mornings and took siestas, ate healthy, drank tea, read my new book, played on the computer, turned up the volume and danced and sang to Tiesto, text messaged only when it was mandatory, and called absolutely no one at all. It was heaven! I can tell that some of my friends are taking offence to my vacancy from their lives. Before I would have said "Sorry, I'm being anti-social". But I think I'm formally changing my excuse now to: "I am practicing Self-Care". Thank you very much!
Relatively few have actually been into my apartment, and I like it that way. I think I'd still get all wiggy if I had a variety of energies and personalities in my home. But I've happily started looking at bbq's and patio tables to place on my big wooden patio, and maybe by summer I'll feel friendly enough to invite some old friends over. I bought a rake for my garden and cleaned out all the winter leaves and dead weeds. It is getting warm enough now that I can step outside my sliding glass doors and meander around without my shoes on, and heck! It's even warm enough that the other day I ventured out in my undies and tank top to get a closer look at the new leaves and blossoms on the bushes in my garden. (But just for a minute, hee hee!) Think of it! All in the privacy of my own home! I am also starting to date just a little here and there, and I am feeling an openness in my heart that I didn't think would ever come back. Little by little there is more sunlight in my life and body, but it's me who is allowing it in because I finally feel strong enough to do that now. Weeknights are booked with things that I like to do for myself, such as ashtanga yoga or conversational Spanish, and when I get home afterwards I really have to say that the last thing I feel like doing is getting on the phone and catching up with people. Uh-uh! Instead, I find myself quickly getting a restful state and hitting the hay pretty early. Yeah, I know it's not an exciting life I am leading at the moment. But whatever it is, I am doing it at my own pace and I am doing it only because, simply, I feel like doing it. I am seriously digging not having to be concerned with anyone else. It is very liberating.
Some of you might actually read this and consider me selfish. I'm sorry, but I really I don't care.
Last weekend I lamented the idea of going to Victoria to visit with my parents who had been staying there for a month, and to attending a christening for my new baby niece, Shayda. Not that I didn't want to do those things specifically, but I really just wasn't into being social or into having to provide excuses for why I wasn't in the care-free emotional space that people thought I should be. I told myself that no one would understand me, my family least of all, and so why should I come out of my perfect, secure hiding space to face them all? With anxiety still weighing heavily on my chest, I took a Harbour Air flight across the water to Victoria, and lo and behold I was delighted when I saw my dad and brother waiting for me at the harbour. We all spent a wonderful weekend together: my mom and dad, my brother and his wife Sharon, and my 3 year old nephew and 8 month old niece, whose christening we all celebrated with happiness. I left Victoria with a renewed feeling of lightness and love, and I remembered how lucky I am to have my family. I learned that it's not just my loved ones and friends who sometimes have expectations of me. It's actually sometimes me who is the hardest on myself.
My mom and my niece, 8 month old Shayda
And that's all. :)
Charleen xo
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