All signs point to a good year. Full speed ahead, Captain!
It's been a long time since I've written and my fingers feel creaky and slow behind my thoughts. My thoughts seem slow behind my visions. I have lost my edge. I'm rusty.
But what better time to decide to take up the activities that you've been missing, or a new pleasure that you've always wanted to try? Some say they don't make New Years' resolutions. Okay, we won't call it a "resolution", per say. We can just call it an "intent". It is my intent for 2011 to get back into it: the writing, the physical fitness, the living for the moment, and the enjoyment of freedom.
My latest news is that after a long search, many undesirable viewings, and a whole bunch of trips back and forth to the Insecurity Market , I finally found a new home that I can call my own; a little apartment in Vancouver's South Granville area.
But what a psychological trip that decision was! Even after I'd signed the lease I remained nervous, as if all of my basic adult capabilities had gone out the window along with my self-esteem. I questioned and doubted everything that I was about to do. What if it's too small? What if I move in and don't like it? What if there's something wrong with the place? What if my neighbours are cranky? The "what if's" would not stop coming, and on Christmas Day I got knocked down with food poisoning which was the start to an otherwise crappy and super stressful Christmas holiday. By the time moving day came, I was just an ugly glob of sickly looking mush! Anyone could have come by and pushed me over with just their finger, that's how weak I felt. It seemed as if all my hang-ups and fears had come back to haunt me, and they wanted their day of reckoning RIGHT NOW! Eyes puffy and dark from crying, I felt like the decision to have somewhere I could call "home" had done nothing but open up a disgusting can of worms. After being sealed tight and stuffed into a storage locker in South Van for almost two years, it seemed like every single box brought a new wave of pain, tears, and self-doubt. Thankfully, with the help of some good movers and a couple of very good friends who came to my rescue to help me unpack my kitchen just when I thought I was about to lose it (thanks Danielle and Maggie!), I somehow kept it together. Hyper-sensitive and over-tired, I sliced a chunk off my thumb on New Year's Eve while attempting to make dinner, and it bled for several hours afterwards. That too brought upon another surge of tears and the acknowledgment that it could have been so much worse. After that maneuver I was damn lucky to even have a thumb! Lying in my deliciously comfy bed which had just been freshly removed from storage, crying my eyes out and holding my wounded thumb in the air feeling sorry for myself, I realized right then that it was actually the epitome of my life. "It could have been so much worse". I heard the words ringing in my head. And in that tiny moment just before my tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and before I finally drifted off to sleep, I understood that it was time to let everything go and to just accept that I was going to be alright. It was time to accept that everything was, and is, going to work out for me. I had to accept that there is a perfect plan for me.
I surrendered.
Now two weeks later and fully back into the swing of things, my boxes are unpacked for the most part (except for several that I unfortunately have no room for and which I have to keep in storage while I go about the chore of purging them, one by one), my home is in order and my life seems like it is taking its own shape again. I am finally getting back to the gym more often and thoroughly enjoying the Steve Nash Fitness Club in downtown Vancouver, conveniently located only a block and a half away from my office. I have plans to go dancing with Maggie again this Saturday night at The Commodore (that's right - some things will never change!). When I come "home" in the evenings, I am able to sit quietly in my own living room, sans roommate and teenaged son, and decide whether to watch TV for awhile, or write in my blog. I had forgotten what it felt like: the simple pleasure of poking around. As I look out my 10 foot high windows and onto my just recently scrubbed deck, I feel relaxed and nourished by the privacy of the green trees and plants that surround my home. I am here at home on a Monday night, fuzzy socks and housecoat on, my dishwasher softly working away in the kitchen. I think to myself "Wow, what gifts!" Gifts that I probably took for granted so much in previous years that I didn't even know how to be thankful for them. And now here I am: Alone. Single. Quiet. Thankful.
Of course no celebration of a new year is complete without at least one outing to go dancing to world class trance music and watch a molto-sexy, world class DJ shake his butt all night long. And Maggie and I definitely made certain that we sampled every ounce of that kind of experience and went out together on New Years' Day to take in the Markus Schultz concert at Gossip. We had back stage passes and tons of room for dancing, and even sat around and laughed and chatted with friendly Mr. Schultz before the show. I normally don't celebrate New Years' Eve - it's so completely overrated. But New Years' Day with Markus Schultz?? One would have to be just plain crazy to pass over that kind of shake down!
And it feels like I really am living it.
Charleen xo
It's been a long time since I've written and my fingers feel creaky and slow behind my thoughts. My thoughts seem slow behind my visions. I have lost my edge. I'm rusty.
But what better time to decide to take up the activities that you've been missing, or a new pleasure that you've always wanted to try? Some say they don't make New Years' resolutions. Okay, we won't call it a "resolution", per say. We can just call it an "intent". It is my intent for 2011 to get back into it: the writing, the physical fitness, the living for the moment, and the enjoyment of freedom.
My latest news is that after a long search, many undesirable viewings, and a whole bunch of trips back and forth to the Insecurity Market , I finally found a new home that I can call my own; a little apartment in Vancouver's South Granville area.
But what a psychological trip that decision was! Even after I'd signed the lease I remained nervous, as if all of my basic adult capabilities had gone out the window along with my self-esteem. I questioned and doubted everything that I was about to do. What if it's too small? What if I move in and don't like it? What if there's something wrong with the place? What if my neighbours are cranky? The "what if's" would not stop coming, and on Christmas Day I got knocked down with food poisoning which was the start to an otherwise crappy and super stressful Christmas holiday. By the time moving day came, I was just an ugly glob of sickly looking mush! Anyone could have come by and pushed me over with just their finger, that's how weak I felt. It seemed as if all my hang-ups and fears had come back to haunt me, and they wanted their day of reckoning RIGHT NOW! Eyes puffy and dark from crying, I felt like the decision to have somewhere I could call "home" had done nothing but open up a disgusting can of worms. After being sealed tight and stuffed into a storage locker in South Van for almost two years, it seemed like every single box brought a new wave of pain, tears, and self-doubt. Thankfully, with the help of some good movers and a couple of very good friends who came to my rescue to help me unpack my kitchen just when I thought I was about to lose it (thanks Danielle and Maggie!), I somehow kept it together. Hyper-sensitive and over-tired, I sliced a chunk off my thumb on New Year's Eve while attempting to make dinner, and it bled for several hours afterwards. That too brought upon another surge of tears and the acknowledgment that it could have been so much worse. After that maneuver I was damn lucky to even have a thumb! Lying in my deliciously comfy bed which had just been freshly removed from storage, crying my eyes out and holding my wounded thumb in the air feeling sorry for myself, I realized right then that it was actually the epitome of my life. "It could have been so much worse". I heard the words ringing in my head. And in that tiny moment just before my tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and before I finally drifted off to sleep, I understood that it was time to let everything go and to just accept that I was going to be alright. It was time to accept that everything was, and is, going to work out for me. I had to accept that there is a perfect plan for me.
I surrendered.
Now two weeks later and fully back into the swing of things, my boxes are unpacked for the most part (except for several that I unfortunately have no room for and which I have to keep in storage while I go about the chore of purging them, one by one), my home is in order and my life seems like it is taking its own shape again. I am finally getting back to the gym more often and thoroughly enjoying the Steve Nash Fitness Club in downtown Vancouver, conveniently located only a block and a half away from my office. I have plans to go dancing with Maggie again this Saturday night at The Commodore (that's right - some things will never change!). When I come "home" in the evenings, I am able to sit quietly in my own living room, sans roommate and teenaged son, and decide whether to watch TV for awhile, or write in my blog. I had forgotten what it felt like: the simple pleasure of poking around. As I look out my 10 foot high windows and onto my just recently scrubbed deck, I feel relaxed and nourished by the privacy of the green trees and plants that surround my home. I am here at home on a Monday night, fuzzy socks and housecoat on, my dishwasher softly working away in the kitchen. I think to myself "Wow, what gifts!" Gifts that I probably took for granted so much in previous years that I didn't even know how to be thankful for them. And now here I am: Alone. Single. Quiet. Thankful.
Of course no celebration of a new year is complete without at least one outing to go dancing to world class trance music and watch a molto-sexy, world class DJ shake his butt all night long. And Maggie and I definitely made certain that we sampled every ounce of that kind of experience and went out together on New Years' Day to take in the Markus Schultz concert at Gossip. We had back stage passes and tons of room for dancing, and even sat around and laughed and chatted with friendly Mr. Schultz before the show. I normally don't celebrate New Years' Eve - it's so completely overrated. But New Years' Day with Markus Schultz?? One would have to be just plain crazy to pass over that kind of shake down!
Maggie and Char
Wannabe Rock Stars and current MS Groupies
We love Markus!
On the last night of my Christmas vacation I finally got out to trial-run my new snowboarding gear with my good friend, Mark, up at Cypress Mountain. On a crystal clear and cold Monday night, we rode the Sky Chair and watched the red sun set behind Bowen Island and Howe Sound. I realized how bloody lucky I was to be there, alive and healthy. Why had I never seen how pretty it was before?
A very cool thing in my life right now is that each Wednesday evening I meet with a new friend, a young man from Valencia, Spain (of all places!) who has come to Vancouver with his girlfriend to work for a year. He truly wants to speak English as much as possible and in as many situations as possible. We swap languages and it works out perfectly for both of us. For awhile there I thought I'd have to give up on Spanish, but now and without any effort at all a new friend has come into my life and he wants exactly what I want. I am glad about this!
This past weekend I think it really hit home with me how very single I am. It is so awesome to intuitively do things at my own pace, and without considering someone else's schedule. It went something like this:
- Friday after work I picked up my new custom made L-Shaped patio bench
- Hung two pieces of art (still have more to do, but whatever)
- Went for a beer at Café Barney – crappy local hangout and the only place in South Gran to grab a pint
- Slept 12 hours
- Woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, cooked myself French Toast for breakfast and happily ate it at my own table!
- Organized and purged my dresser and closets while listening to an old Ministry of Sound CD at full volume
- Took a long, hot bath with fragrant bath salts
- Skype-called a friend overseas
- Finalized and confirmed my accommodation in both Utrecht and Amsterdam for February
- Drove out to IKEA to purchase some new space savers for my home
- Stopped in at my old place in South Van to pick up mail
- Brought two big garbage bags and a box full of winter clothes and coats to Covenant House (they take donations any time, by the way...)
- Went to a dinner party on Saturday night with the zany photographer man from East Van and his posse
- Sunday a.m. breakfast on East Hastings with East Van Man
- Did all my grocery shopping
- Bought a tarp at 3 Vets to cover my new patio bench
- Came home and scrubbed the crap out of my big awesome patio, and now it is slime-free and super clean and pretty
- Purchased tickets to Sasha at the Commodore for this coming Saturday night (YEEHOO!)
- Took a glorious and rare two hour siesta
- East Van Man helped me to finally hang my spice rack and under-cabinet lighting in my kitchen
- Listened to a full CD of Armin Van Buuren's new "A State of Trance Year Mix 2010", just released December 17 and autographed by Armin himself!
- Cooked dinner for East Van Man while he constructed the pain-in-the-ars dresser from IKEA that I had purchased the day before
- Put remainder of clothes (work out gear) into my new dresser and finally got ALL my suitcases and boxes off the floor
- Took out the garbage and the recycling
- Vacuumed my apartment
- Loaded all my spices into the spice rack and got rid of another two more boxes
- Cleaned the kitchen
- Watched a movie on my Sony Bravia TV
- Fell asleep around 11:00 pm
My face has aged and my body has too. My spine is curled from months of sorrow and self-hatred, and when I look in the mirror I don't see the pretty woman who wrote her own vows of commitment and recited them to her fiancee atop a cliff in the Mediterranean only a few short years ago, thinking "...Now my life is set in stone!" No, I am not that person any longer. But in my new space I feel like, somehow, I can start to recreate myself again. Like I can become who I'm really supposed to be and flourish because my choices are my own. Sitting atop my Chintz & Co. fluffy cream coloured sofa that I've just recently rescued from my storage unit, I can't help but think that, simply, the timing is right. It has been long in coming, this rediscovery of Me. And now that I can choose for myself, I know that I will choose a life of freedom, humour, spontaneity, honesty and love.
And it feels like I really am living it.
Charleen xo
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