A French couple was arguing. I could hear every word they were saying to one another, as their balcony was overlooking the swimming pool that I had been sunning myself at. It wasn't nice. I don't know why their argument started, as it had started inside their hotel room and then they brought it out to the balcony. Apparently they thought I couldn't understand a word, but actually I understood all of it. I think it started with something really stupid and small, like she didn't pick him up in front of the supermarket at the correct time or something, and then it escalated into a full-blown screaming match that had them both digging up the dirt on one another and pulling up things from the past that had nothing to do with the initial problem. She was crying by now, and trying to soften things up by sharing her deeper self with him, the reasons why she does things, etc etc, and he was so angry he couldn't slow down long enough to hear her. Instead he kept on pouting and screaming back at her: "oh, bien sur! Bien sur! Je sais!" And the way he was forming his words, the way they rounded off into a spitting pout, made me realize just how angry he was, and that this wasn't just about not being picked up infront of the supermarket in time. No, there were deeper issues at play here, and they were finally getting to it. My question is this:
Why fucking bother??
I mean, if you're both not able to discuss things as they happen for you, if you're not willing to be absolutely 100% radically honest about what happens for you and why it happens for you, if you're not able to truly get real about your Self with the other person, and be honest about what your needs are and furthermore, WHY you need them, then why bother going into relationship at all? I mean, what does it mean: Relationship?
I listened to these two go on and on for a couple of hours, and then, crazily enough, they were still at it the very next day! I mean, what can possibly make you so angry that you would need to continue fighting with one another, killing one another slowly, 24 hours later, while on vacation?? Is love equal to hate?? What the hell is wrong with these people? I felt like screaming up at the guy "Hey buddy! Why don't you make LOVE to your frickin' wife instead of screaming at her??" And I would have been able to say it in French too, because by this time they had given me the opportunity to experience a full-blown review of the French language.... yes, it all came back to me within minutes of listening to them. Unfortunate, isn't it?
Obviously listening to these two go on and on about crap that was so old and so painful, brought up my own stuff for me. It was quite similar to my relationship, in that our arguments would happen in the exact same way: all of a sudden we'd be fighting about something that wasn't even directly related to the tiny issue at hand, it was about something else. I was always very confused by the way these types of events would show up. And by the time we uncovered the "real" issue, it was so heavily laden in thick mud that it took a lot of sweat to dig it out. In the end, it was too much for my husband to take. Being completely honest about who is is, and even more difficult, about WHY he is who he is, was too much of a challenge for him to tackle. I don't hold it against him any longer, but I would have kept on digging through the mirk all on my own had he not completely ditched it entirely. So maybe it's a good thing? When only one person is really able to be honest about themselves in a relationship, it makes me wonder: is it worth it? I know for certain that we can not have a deep, meaningful relationship built on superficiality. I know that there is always a point where the romance comes to an end, and where we need to work on the task(s) of getting to know the psychology and history behind one another. It's not pretty, nor is it flattering to let your ghosts out of your closet. But we all have them so why not just be real about it? It also takes each one of us letting down our guard, abandoning our ego at the door, and facing our Selves, too. Some just don't want to go there. Or even if they do, they wouldn't know how to go there even if the path had been laid down directly in front of them.
So this morning at breakfast, of course, the French couple are all kissy-kissy, lovey-lovey, and talking sweet and gently with one another. It kindof makes me want to vomit actually. Yes, I am having physical reactions to someone else's story. And I don't know: did they really end up resolving their differences, or are they just too damn fatigued to continue fighting any longer? I find all of this just a little too heavy to handle, to be honest. For me right now it's all about having fun, and if it's not fun then I just won't go there. I've had enough of the tears, the frustrations, the self-loathing, the dishonesty, to last me a lifetime. I suppose that I will be faced with these types of mirrors for awhile yet. In an instant it can all come flooding back to me. So I have to ask myself: what do I decide to do in any given situation? How do I handle myself? Where do I draw my line? All of these questions and more continue to be a work in progress for me.
I have spent the last couple of days fighting a cold, and today thankfully I am on the mend. The sun is shining and if its anything like yesterday, we will see temperatures of around 30 degrees here on the island. That in itself is reason to be happy! I think I'm going to actually hit a beach today - Ses Salines and the beach bar Sa Trinxas sounds like it'll be totally groovy. And I know that later on there is going to be a celebration for the global "EarthDance" which is happening today, all over the world obviously. I have been listening to Ibiza-Sonica, the radio station here on the island. There is going to be a "surprise venue" announced for it, where some of the local dj's are going to be playing. I think I will take part in that later on today. Must check the website: http://www.earthdance.es/.
So off I go in my little red rental car (they chose the colour right!) to take advantage of my freedom again. Life is sweet! And oh! I am staying here two days longer, I've decided! I received word from my Spanish instructor in Barcelona that she is moving offices to right in front of the Familia Sagrada (rockin'!) and would like to start October 5 instead. Had I known I would have certainly changed my flight for later in the week instead of for Monday night. Oh well, this will give me enough time to explore Barcelona more and get in tune with the vibe there. All works out as it should. (side note: my Rubbermaid container STILL has not been located!! If anyone wants to sell me their micro-current machine, please let me know. Because apparently I won't be getting mine back.)
And those are my heavy, reflective, turning to light and detached thoughts for the day. :)
Charleen xo
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My spiritual, physical, and emotional journey continues on from Spain to Canada, and beyond.
