Hold on to your cowboy hats and strap on your cowbow boots, folks, because there are going to be so many tiny details in this post that I’m afraid I won’t be able to relay them all coherently.
It started off Monday morning with an interview that I totally bombed on – couldn’t get the cotton balls out of my mouth to form my sentences properly, my thoughts were coming slowly, and it was basically a painful experience for all in the room. Awful. But on the way to that job interview I received a phone call and a job offer from Langara. It’s funny, you apply for something and you go through the interview or testing process and make it down to the top of an employer’s list, and when you get there you realize that you didn’t even want it in the first place. This has happened because I have been applying to so many places lately and while I think I’ve been fairly choosy, I admit that I’ve applied for positions that are beneath me and not challenging at all, and possibly even for a company I don’t like. So I asked them for the night to sleep on it because I knew that I would possibly be getting another offer, which wasn’t a great offer but still better than Langara was. I did actually end up getting that 2nd offer, but not until mid morning on Tuesday. By that time I knew that I would accept anything that came in if it wasn’t Langara. Funny though, I received my second offer and I still wasn’t happy. Mostly because by the middle of the morning I had received two phone calls regarding two cool positions, one in Vancouver and one, believe it or not, from a recruiter in CALGARY! Shit was definitely hitting the fan and I definitely didn’t feel like I was in a position to commit to anyone. This is also funny, since I’d said before that I would be willing to take the first job that came to me. Evidently that isn’t the case when it comes right down to it, or so I’m learning. At 10:58 I received the call from Calgary asking me if I’d consider a telephone interview with their client and I said yes. At 11:00 I started a telephone interview with a great company in Vancouver. That position is the one that made my heart flutter the most. It was only a two month contract, but I didn’t care. I wanted it because of the position and because of the company I’d be working with. The interview went well as they always do (except in cases above when I wake up with cotton balls in my mouth), and because of the quick turnaround on that position (they wanted someone to start the very next day, Wednesday), I wanted to wait to give my answer to my second job offer. Are you still following?
So it ended up that I didn’t get the great two month position (other candidate had a bit more experience) but received great feedback anyways. That call didn’t come in till 5:05 pm. I had sat at home on pins and needles all day long, my girlfriend Linda came over for lunch and we laid in the backyard in the sunshine and she mostly tried to calm me down all day long. So at that point I remember hearing the words in my head “you’re going to have to be practical”, and I called my recruiter on the second offer and told them I’d accept it. So wheeee! I thought I could stop worrying and pounding the pavement.
NOT!!
The next morning I woke up feeling nauseous. Why did I accept that offer, exactly? It wasn’t even what I wanted to be doing and the pay wasn’t what I thought it should be, and the company is one that I wouldn’t be proud to work for…. With that in mind, I decided to hold onto the next two interviews that I’d already had lined up for that afternoon (now Wednesday). I mean, yes I had already accepted one offer, but obviously that doesn’t mean much to me at the end of the day if I truly don’t care much about it. SO! I went to the two interviews Wednesday afternoon and knew as soon as I’d walked into the first one that it wasn’t for me. I love it when answers are so clear. Then enroute to the second interview I decided to stop into Pacific Centre to get a sandwich. That’s when I ran into my ex and his girlfriend, together, for the very first time. I was coming through the door and he was about 10 feet away – our eyes found one another instantly. Like you just know someone so well that even in a crowd of people you are drawn to the familiarity of their eyes. He saw me too and his eyes lit up, he opened his mouth to say hi…. Then in a second I saw something dark come across his eyes, he looked down to his side and my eyes followed his, and there she was. Looking up at him. Smiling. But she had also seen his eyes see someone else, and so she wasn’t looking at him, she was looking for me, like she knew who I was without even having been told. Then, as we all three continued to walk in one another’s direction – them on their way out and me on my way in, her and I held our glares directly at one another. My jaw clenched tightly and my eyes narrowed. I blew steam from my nose. And the beeatch actually had the audacity to match my glare and gave me an icy-cold stare right back. Can you believe that?! We passed one another, he put his arm around her and they carried on out the door, each of them holding their cups of freshly purchased fruit smoothies or whatever they were (the same things we used to drink together)… and I just stayed there watching them, standing in the middle of the crowd in the atrium at Pacific Centre. I watched their moves, their body language. I wanted to see if there actually was anything between them. Of course I didn’t like what I saw and I wanted to make sure I’d seen it correctly. So what did I do? That’s right, I followed them. I stayed about a block behind them, watching their body language. They walked the same pace together (him and I never walked the same pace – I was always way faster than he was…), they gazed sideways at one another often and seemed to be speaking calmly with one another (she is much taller than I am, so he doesn’t have to look down as far to see her). I followed them down Georgia until they rounded the corner onto Burrard, and I watched as they took a shortcut down Alberni… then I felt nauseous. I had seen enough. And you know, as I write this little story I realize that I am having a big time déjà vu, that I have seen myself writing these very words before today, so I must’ve known that that moment was inevitable.
(side note: I realize how very catty, immature, not spiritual and un-evolved I sound by calling my ex’s new girlfriend a beeatch without even knowing her. But just let me have it this once, k?)
But I had to do it!! The truth is that it doesn’t really matter if I followed them or not, because that’s not really the part that sticks in my head even though I remember it well enough. The part that catches me is that I saw that they actually ARE together. They actually ARE a couple. And that part stings like vinegar in an open wound.
Having said that, I think I maintained my composure fairly well given the shock of the circumstances. It wasn’t like I was prepared mentally or emotionally to deal with that little surprise amongst the stress of running between interviews now was I? So I went back to Pacific Centre and bought myself that sandwich, and sat on a sunny bench to replenish myself, and tried to hold back my tears. In those shaky and precarious moments I thought to myself: “Yes, maybe Calgary is a very good place to go”. Luckily before I went too deep into the dark hole, I got another phone call from yet ANOTHER recruiter at that moment, asking me what I was going to do about an offer that was pending from a job interview I’d done through them last week! Good friggin’ grief! Like, what is with the timing this week, eh?
So I kept on with my deep breathing and forced relaxing, affirming thoughts into my head, and walked to my second interview that day. As it turns out, they absolutely loved me and pretty much offered me this temp to perm position on the spot. I said we needed to negotiate with the recruiter, etc, but thought it would be good to work with them, blah blah blah. I am the Queen of Smalltalk and Yes’s, these days let me tell ya. Anyways, thinking that this position was actually much better than the position I’d already accepted threw yet another wrench in my week of perfect timings. They wanted me to come back the next day and meet with their Executive, but basically that would seal the deal.
On the way home I stopped and bought a bottle of Southern Comfort and when I got home I poured myself a stiff drink. In fact I poured myself two of them and even shared with my roommate. Then I sat on the phone with girlfriends Danielle, Ranji, Kate and Leigh, and skyped with my cousin Carmen all night long, and they talked me down from the negative thoughts in my head. One of the best forms of healing is Southern Comfort on the rocks with a splash of H20 and long conversations with girlfriends. That is just good counseling!
Oh, and don’t forget to throw in the fact that I had an 8:00 teleconference call with a firm in Calgary the very next morning!
Thursday morning at 8:00 Vancouver time is a pretty darn early time to be primed for an interview, don’t ya think? I pulled it off though, and did such a good job that they asked me to come to Calgary to meet them in person. I was momentarily thrown off guard by that request, but quickly told them that I’d be happy to (my bill, by the way, not theirs). So I was considering this all day yesterday at about 1:00 pm I received a call from the recruiter from my first interview on Wednesday (the one I knew wasn’t for me, remember?), saying that they’d like to offer me the position! Holy F_CK!! Of course saying “no” to the third offer of the week wasn’t hard, but still I was starting to get completely blown away by this week! I was thinking to myself: “What the heck is going on in the universe???” So I go downtown at 2:00 for my second interview to meet the Executive from yesterday’s interview, and I thought it would be great. Turns out though that I don’t really dig the Executive I’d be working with. I mean, she was just alright but I didn’t see any sparks flying or anything, and it completely deflated my opinion of the entire job just because of it. Still, I knew it was a better proposition for me right now than going to work for the second offer. So with that, I accepted the offer (fourth offer now), and so far I am lined up to start working with them on Monday for about three months, and then we’ll see if we really like one another (hee hee). But then I had to walk my ars all the way across town to re-neg on my acceptance with second offer, a move that I didn’t feel good about doing mostly because I really liked my recruiter and didn’t want to let her down, but also because by this time I was really started to second-guess my judgment on everything! It was such a whirlwind of a week, and nothing seemed perfect but I knew I had to start working. And with so many offers, none of which delight completely, how do you really know you’re making the right decision saying yes or no to any of them??
After that I decided I didn’t want to wait until Monday to decide about the job in Calgary. I called my recruiter in Calgary and asked her if I could come out on Friday (today), and she said YES! So what did I do? I went home Thursday evening and booked myself a last minute flight to Calgary. Yep. Just like that. So here I am again in Calgary. After my interview here this morning, I have to say that I think it might be the best prospect on the table, but now since I’m thoroughly confused and not feeling a serious heartbeat for any of the jobs I’m looking at, I really am wondering what to do about myself. All day long I’ve been playing tug-of-war with my heart and head, telling myself not to go with my heart, then telling myself not to go with my head, then feeling nauseous again and having to pull out all the therapy moves to stop myself from going down a negative pathway… and frankly I just have to say that I am so sick of all of this CRAP!!
And someone please tell me why I haven’t been able to get the positions that I really and truly do want?? I mean, obviously they are coveted positions, and they have lots of great people to choose from and they can decide on someone simply because they like that person’s teeth, or shoes, or colour of their hair, or whatever! I know it’s truly coming down to the soft skills now, but why am I being offered the positions that I don’t care too much about? Am I being picky, do you think? Do I really believe myself when I say that “happiness is fleeting”? Believe me, I’ve had so much time to consider myself, consider all the ins and outs of a job search, think about life, and I’ve played the games with recruiters, smiled sweetly and made people laugh. But at the end of the day I just don’t friggin’ care about any of them!
I guess I have fallen into the trap of actually believing my ex when he screamed at me the day he left and told me I wasn’t successful. Maybe I don’t think I’m successful, so really why should I be talented or gifted or special enough to get the position that I really want??? I mean, do you think there’s anything to that? Do I really believe it?
This sucks.
So here I am in Cowtown, enjoying the sunshine and the friendly people once again. My mom says maybe it’s not a bad idea to get my feet wet somewhere else. My sister says that I’m lonely in Vancouver even when I have friends there, so why not be lonely somewhere else where I can start fresh? And there are moments where I believe that this is the way to go.
And there are moments where I admit that I am so comfortable in Vancouver that I just don’t want to go anywhere but back to bed.
So life has been crazy this past week and all I can do is laugh about it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or something like that. So far I don’t even have an offer on the table from Calgary position so I’m not considering anything too strongly right now. But being here makes me really consider what direction I want my life to go in. And I have to say that I have a vision, but I just don’t know how to get there exactly. Somehow though, all this is starting to make me really clear about things, and they are details that I hadn't even considered before.
Still lovin’ myself though. You bet I am!
Charleen xo
