So with that, she quit her job and didn't feel bad about it at all.
Now, this is not to say that she didn't panic just a little bit. Afterall, she was living in a grand city in a wonderful country where millions of others only wish they could live in, and life doesn't come for free in that city. She knew how fortunate she was, and she knew she ought to be thankful for everything that she had been graced with in her lifetime. And she was. But pretending to mesh in a place where, to her, just felt volatile, aggressive, and full of unhappy people, an office that just seemed to be taking all of her life blood from her, was something that she couldn't deal with any longer. Not one more second. Which is why she has a day like today, the morning after the Summer Solstice, to write all day if she wants to. And that is perfectly perfect.
The last couple of weeks have been absolutely INSANE, and you only know the first half of it. The things that are really happening in my life have nothing to do with finding a great job (although that is definitely a very physical reality for me), they have all to do with self-recognition and inner reflection, and a whole bunch of realizations in between it all.
My true friends are showing themselves to me, and tears fill my eyes just thinking of the love I have for them and how their words of encouragement, support, and acceptance of me, as wacky as my life seems right now, have reminded me once again of one of the reasons I am very, very fortunate in my life.
My two Fire Sign Friends - Maggie and Danielle
Sunning in the backyard
Two of my girlfriends, Maggie and Danielle, Leo and Aries, deserve special mention at this time in my life. These two girls have been constant in their support of me, and they have nurtured my process and taken care with my heart, and have proved it to me many times over. Not only are they elementally mischievious, but they are the fire and the energy that I need to get my butt up off the ground. They help me me to feel confidant again.
Of course you know that my roommate Dina is a Sagittarius and in her own quiet way is constantly supporting me. She reminds me to choose optimistic thoughts. Her home is now my home, and as you can see by the sunny back yard, it's not a bad place at all to be! There will be many more days of sunshine, bbq's and girl talk in that back yard. Summer is here, afterall.
On the eve of Summer Solstice, I strolled up Commercial Drive and stumbled upon a dance party that was happening in the middle of the street! I could not believe my good luck! While I was there, I connected instantly with another fire sign woman, an Aries named Ashley. She is much younger than me, but age has no bearing when Goddess connect. So I am meeting new friends, and they seem to be fire signs. I'm not sure if I am drawn to them for a reason or not. But they are giving me energy right now like you wouldn't believe.
Funky beats on Commercial Drive
I even bumped in Watermelon there! Great to see her as always!
And I just want to say that the one really great thing about the job I worked for one week was meeting a new friend, an Aries named Mariko. Although the place was an extremely toxic environment, we both agree that if for no other reason at all we were supposed to work there so that we could meet. Sometimes the Universe works in magical ways. :)
A new man friend of mine, Malcolm, also an Aries, makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. He is an artist - a photographer who is renovating his little home in East Van basically from the ground up. He is not without his struggles and stories, but he is endlessly optimistic and has this wonderful ability to laugh at himself and the world. And he really just rolls with it. I am enjoying getting to know him. It is refreshing to be with someone who has no daily structure, but who also isn't just winging it through life. I see through him that things are being done differently, and that there are so many more options out there to be had than just the ones I've been allowing myself to see. Sitting in his little house, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, hearing him singing in the background and chuckling at himself every now and again while I drink a delicious cup of organic coffee that he just placed on the desk beside me, definitely reminds me of how lucky I am. I am thankful for him.
Malcolm, the Aries
Malcolm is working really hard on his little house and on the yard too which I've offered to help him with today. He said to me "But you have to write!". And as I sit here channelling the next word that I will write at his desk that he has offered up to me for the day, I can hear him moving big pieces of wood and equipment around in his backyard, and I am comforted. I sit heavy above my keyboard, considering how to write and all the things I want to say, my head in my hands and my eyes closed. He pops inside and I feel his hand on my shoulder, and his voice "Alright?" My response is "This is just where I go". He understands right away because he is a creative spirit too, and he knows that a person has their "zone" and they just have to be there when the moment comes. More support and encouragement from another Fire Sign. How lucky can a girl get? I ask you.
June. My favourite month of the year. The sun is at its highest and we are blessed with daylight long into the evenings and bright and early in the morning. My inspiration, my thoughts come from an entirely different perspective, a different light if you will, than they would come if I was writing in, say, January. All perspectives are good, no feeling that anyone has is ever wrong. But I am affected by the seasons here maybe more than others because I've chosen to be honest about it. Some people think it's not right to show your emotions or let yourself be seen. I just don't get that, and I can't pretend any longer that everyone else has it right. The sun is up high, I can see the trees out the window as I sit at this little desk inside this humble, de-constructed house on a quiet street in East Van, and I think that everything is absolutely perfect. I think that everything is right where it should be, including me.
In yoga class the other day, where I sweat and challenge myself physically and mentally, I had a revelation. It was something about the stretch I was in, all of a sudden like the reel of a movie the words played across my mind: "You are finding your way, Charleen, and it's not anywhere else in the world. It's here in Vancouver and it's been here all along". As I go deeper into the stretch my eyes soften and I respond with a question: "Well how can that be? I've been here for so long and I never found it. I have outgrown Vancouver, haven't I?" And the answer I get right away and as clear as a bell is: "You never outgrew Vancouver. You outgrew your Self". The shock of that insight draws my breath in deeper and I reach my finger tips to the ceiling in a reverse-angle triangle, my spine somehow twisting further around. I breath deep and let that realization resonate for a couple more breaths. I fall back into a child's pose - holy crap. The last couple of years, especially towards the end of my marriage, felt like pure inner agony and frustration. It mounted to such a state that life had no choie but to crumble around me. I remember learning from the words of Abraham (channeled through Esther Hicks) about the Law of Attraction, and how you have to bring yourself up to speed with your own desires. I thought I understood it and was physically trying to do all I could to get there. The problem was never where I was physically - the problem was within me. I was changing, I had expanded to a place where being who I was just didn't jive with me anymore and I just thought if I could get away then I could change. Well I don't know for sure, and I suppose a physical move still isn't a bad suggestion. But today I am not that same woman. I don't think the same, I don't act the same, I don't hang around with the same people, and I for sure don't have the same man in my life. And I am actually starting to feel light again and that I'm following my own path in the ways I want to and the ways that are truly healthy and helpful for me. I am getting up to speed with who I really am.
Oh! What we give up to stay in relationship. Damnit, we give up ourselves! Today I wonder if there will ever be a way to truly be in a relationshp with anyone without giving up myself.
I have joined another type of support group, this one called http://www.divorcesupport.com/. I was just getting so sick and tired of not feeling better, and some days I still felt like I was getting worse instead of better. I don't know the people in the forum personally, but I can say that I think the majority of them must be American. I can hear the sweet twang in their accents when they write back to me, when they tell their stories. I am warmed by them even without knowing them. They are, in reality, just words at the other end of the internet. But I am glad to have found them. Check out the "Life After Divorce" forum... some really honest things happening there, but mostly only those of us who have been through it, or are still actually going through it, can truly offer authentic support.
Now that it's June, I've been up into the mountains and getting into nature more often. The Grouse Grind and the BCMC trail which starts about a quarter of the way up The Grind, are true sources of relief for me. Located on the North Shore, these are just two of the fantastic things about living in Vancouver during the summer. The other day I went up and did the BCMC trail which took about an hour and eighteen minutes, then I took the gondola down and dialed Danielle who was primed and ready to hit the beach. Together we went to Wreck Beach and lied in the sunshine, relaxed, and welcomed the heat again into our bodies. Mountains and beach all in the same day. Truly it is a good life here.
BCMC Trail, North Vancouver
So all of this: my Fire Sign friends, my support forum, the well lit days of June, the beach, the BCMC trail, and a good dose of following the easiest and most honest path are all helping me to rediscover the joy of living. Of being alive and of being free. Just the way this Aquarian fairy needs to be.
Charleen xo
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