An East Kootenay Thanksgiving

Please do not remind me how long it's been since I have written.  I'm fully aware.

Walking through a park trail in Cranbrook, BC

This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and it means an extra day off work to relax.  For a lot of us it may also mean getting away and out of town.  For me it means finally coming home to Cranbrook, a town of 20,000 in the East Kootenays, over 800 kms east of Vancouver in a valley nestled between the Rocky Mountains and the Purcells to visit my parents.  It's been over two years since I've been here, and over a year since I've seen my parents.  To say that I've been "estranged" from my family would be an understatement.  I just haven't wanted to see any of them.  It just seems like even talking to them on the phone brings tears to my eyes, and I feel great bunches of remorse, humiliation, and regret in regards to my divorce (now final - August 30).  Being around my family reminded me of all those feelings.  I have wanted to stay far away from them.

But as soon as I saw my dad at the airport yesterday, a big grin on his face, I knew I'd made the right call coming home for the weekend.  I was twice-reminded when I walked through the back door of my house, the same house my parents have lived in for 35 years now and the place that all my brothers and sisters and I call still call "home", and my mom, standing at the top of the porch steps exclaimed "Well it's about time you came to see me!"  She wrapped me up in her arms in a great welcoming bear hug, and I squeezed her back, tears springing to my eyes.  I said "I'm sorry I've been away so long." 

My mom and dad

I also noticed that my mom still had my wedding photos up on her wall, the very sexy and European wedding photos that he and I had taken at our wedding in Ibiza, Spain.  We loved those photos, and I am reminded of our personally written vows to one another and a hand-fasting ceremony, a ceremony we created all on our own.  In the photos I see him looking gently and lovingly into my eyes, and I see that I look the same way upon him.  An entire story runs through my mind when I look at them.  It tears at my heart.  I ask my mom to please take the pictures down because, honestly, I can't stand the sight or sound of him in any way in my life anymore.  My mom smiles lovingly at me and just says "OK".  Without a second thought the pictures come down off that wall.  She immediately replaces the space with pictures of her 8 grand children, my nieces and nephews. 

When I come back to Cranbrook, I am always reminded of the healing effects that I get from the calm and quiet of the East Kootenays, an in nature in general.  I step outside my back door and my little black and white cat, Venus, now 15 years old, jumps down off the warm compost bin she's been sunning herself on and happily struts over to see me.  I hear the birds whistling in the pine trees and the wind moving between the hills, settling in our little valley, and then rolling off towards another hill.  And besides that I hear nothing.  No traffic, no car alarms, rarely a siren.  It is peacful here. 

My cat, Venus

My parent's backyard is one of those rare places that, along with a sunny beach in Ibiza, I escape to in my mind on days back in the city when it gets really stressful.  I picture myself lying in the grass in the sunshine and hearing nothing but calm, and it relaxes me.  This is not just a vision, it is a reality and something I make certain to experience every time I come here.  But visiting here hasn't happened often.  I've stayed away purposely, and I didn't think I could return again for a long time.  Now I hear my mom and dad moving around the house that I grew up in, my mom is stuffing the turkey and my dad is discussing what we should eat for lunch.  Suddenly I feel the need to write again.  To share it all.  It's been a long time.

A view of the back yard - same yard I played in as a child

When one gets wrapped up in the pressures of simply trying to live day to day, one loses her lucidity, her ability to feel that creative flow that makes a good blog post.  Writing is never far from my heart and my mind, but lately it has not been realized in the physical.  I have a lot to say.  I've been thinking a lot.

I have finally, FINALLY, been offered a permanent position with an up and coming mining company downtown, and I am happy for it for more than just the obvious reasons.  The last 22 months have been hard on my heart and my self-esteem, and finally being offered a permanent position somewhere (EA to the CFO) is my first step at settling down.  I almost started crying when my boss, an Aries the same age as me and someone who I have quickly learned I can trust, sat me down in his office and handed me a formal written offer and welcoming package.  Seriously.  I had to excuse myself to regain my composure.  When I got back to his office he joked with me saying "Are those tears of grief??" 

Another Aries in my life, a man who is also teaching me that I can trust again, and someone who is turning out to be a good companion, has also been taking up the other hours in my day.  Those hours meaning: evening and weekends mostly.  Malcolm, the zany artist and photographer from East Van, is teaching me a lot about being accountable in relationship again, standing up on my own two feet, and being strong.  Of course it wouldn't be fair to blame Malcolm for the absence from writing in my blog.  But let's just say he has been doing a good job of occupying my time.  I am not lonely anymore.

Food for Thought:

They say that if you randomly took 100 people on this planet of ours, 6 of them would possess 59% of the world's weath and they would be from the USA.  80 of those 100 people would be living in poverty, and 70 of those 100 would be illiterate.  50 would be living in hunger and malnutrition.  1 would be dying.  1 would be born.  Only 1 would own a computer, and only 1 would have a university degree.

Further, they say that if you woke up this morning in good health then you are luckier than 1 million people who will die this week.  If you've never experienced war, prison, torture, or have been close to dying from starvation, then you're better off than 500 million other people.  If you have a full fridge (or even a fridge half full), clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, then you are wealthier than 75% of the world's population.  Yes, if you currently have even a little bit of money in the bank and a few coins in your wallet then you are one out of 8 privileged people in 100. 

If your parents are still alive and still married then you are a very rare and lucky individual.

I would fall under all those categories.  I try to remind myself daily of all the things that I should be thankful for, and to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  I remember how difficult life must be for others living on the other side of the world, but I am also reminded every day when I walk down Terminal Avenue to pick up my parked car after work of just how many homeless people there are in Vancouver, too.  They keep me humble, these homeless people who line up to get a bowl of soup and possibly a warm bed for the night if they are lucky.  Sometimes they wave at me and greet me kindly, and sometimes some are bold enough to even whistle at me as I walk to my parked Volvo, wearing my Spanish high-heels and Raybans.  Strangely enough, in comparison to them I am a millionaire.  I see and realize these things every day, yet why sometimes do I still feel so low?  Why do I sometimes feel like I haven't even a pot to pee in?  Like I have nothing worth talking about in my life?  I wake up many mornings gasping for breath, panicking from bad dreams, and worried about my future.  Awful dreams about my ex sitting across a table at me, mocking me, laughing viciously at me... And I am filled with dread for the day that lays out ahead of me.  It takes a lot to tackle those nasty thoughts and to keep yourself ahead of them.  I am conscious of it every day.

Up here in Cranbrook I am reminded of the simple life, where people greet one another on the street, and where leaving the back door unlocked while we go for a long walk in one of the many parks and trails in and around this little city is not a completely foreign concept.  There is more than enough space in anyone's backyard, and open valleys and mountain trails to explore.  It is a beautiful part of the province of BC and I have been privileged enough to have been raised here.  It is quiet so quiet here that I finally have the time and the ability to write - the words coming to me now so quickly and effortlessly as if to say "Well it's about time you came to see me!"  Just like my mom.  Writing is always there for me, no matter how long I've been away.

The Steeples - Rocky Mountain Trench just outside of Cranbrook

A short day hike up to Eager Point

I think living in Vancouver is probably a very privileged life.  But the costs of living far outweigh one's take-home pay, and so life is very stressful there.  It's hard to remember that we're all so lucky to be alive when we struggle every day to just pay our rent.  Gawd, paying rent is becoming a huge thorn in my side - without the savings for even a downpayment on way over-priced one bedroom condo, I may possibly be paying rent for the rest of my life.  Do I feel good about this?  I sure as hell don't.  And with all the others around me in the corporate world who so obviously make more money than I do, I am reminded of how pathetic I must be.  Well, mustn't I be??

A massive purple cabbage just waiting to be plucked from the garden

But WAIT!  Then I remember that 500 million people, at least, are starving and living in war torn countries.  And I stop complaining right away.

My mom is making red cabbage from her delicious garden to have with our turkey dinner tonight, along with the corn that is still growing, and fresh squash - also from her garden.  We have been eating bright, juicy tomatoes from her green house.  As I sit at their home computer and write this memo, I hear my Iphone chiming in the other room - an incoming text from a friend from somewhere in the world.  There is SO MUCH abundance in this world, and sometimes our heads are so far up our asses (or stuck in another reality) that we can't see what we've got!  My parents are alive and still together... good grief, how much more fortunate can one divorced Vancouver girl be??

The cauliflower is almost as big as the cabbage!

As I think about all this and more this Thanksgiving weekend, I hope that everyone can also find enough time and quiet to take 30 seconds to remember just how good you've got it, too. 

Beets like nobody's business!

My dad wants to go up to the trails around Jim Smith Lake and then later up to Eager Peak to look for Chanterelle mushrooms.  With the fresh air in my lungs and the sun shining brightly on my face, who am I to say no?

Enjoying the sunshine and a Thanksgiving cocktail in the back yard with my folks  :)

Love, Charleen xo

Brunswick Beach

Brunswick Beach is a naturalist's beach just outside of Lions Bay, which is north of Vancouver on the Sea To Sky Highway.  It is a little piece of heaven, a place where us natural sun bathers love to go without having to compromise peace and serenity like we have to if we head to Wreck Beach.  Brunswick is a little gem of a place that my roommate, Dina, introduced me to last summer.  Today I went down by myself and did a bit of writing, listened to trance music, swam in the crystal clear, cool water, and sun bathed my body in 30+ degrees.  It was definitely a full August Summer Day at Brunswick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWB07nWotXg

After about 3 hours of sweating, swimming, and sunning, I packed up my stuff and drove into Vancouver.  The streets of the city were dead - it was too hot for people to be out and about.  On days like today, most Vancouverites don't know what to do with themselves.  My advice: keep hydrated with lots of water and Vitamin Water, and keep a hat on your head!  Bring sunscreen with you wherever you go!  And just simply enjoy the warmth of the sun on your skin, because god knows there are enough days on this wet coast when we don't see the sunshine!

Happy Summer,
Charleen xo

Trust Summer, Trust Love?

looong, lazy August Long Weekend

August 1. I have decided to take the day to go over to Vancouver Island to visit my "little" brother Brad and wife, Sharon, my nephew Thompson, and my new niece, Shyda Elizabeth, born July 21. I’m really excited to be going to meet her!

It’s the August long weekend here in BC - BC Day. An extra day off to relax, catch up, or do whatever pleases. For me it means that I have some space in my life to write again. I haven’t written in my blog since early July, but a lot has been going on. I’ve been keeping busy with Ultimate games, hiking Grouse Mountain, going to the beach, and working a new temporary contract which has taken me back downtown to the busy centre of Vancouver. The other night I got home and I let myself go to bed at 7:00 p.m., and I didn’t wake up until 6:00 a.m. I needed that. Our constant good weather and sunshine has given me energy, but even that won’t nourish a person when sleep is needed. And I need lots of both sunshine and sleep!

Aside from all of that, two wonderful men have been occupying my time and head space. I am still amazed that I am able to feel anything for anyone, and if I’m even more honest I can say that I am a bit nervous about trusting this thing called "love”. I continue to take things one day at a time. Not yet able to quite commit myself to anything or anyone else, I gauge myself every day in terms of how much of my heart and soul I want to share. Some days I feel open and alive, other days I feel uneasy about myself, life, and the people who are in my life. I don’t know if I can say that there is anyone on this planet that I can truly trust, not even my twin-sister, not even my best friend. I am still very guarded. The healing process is like a death, and it means you have to recreate yourself entirely.  It takes a long time.

As much as having two wonderful guys around in my life tickles me, I can’t bring myself to trust either one of them. So what is this darn thing called “trust”? Whatever it is, it seems to be a running theme for me this past month. Every time I turn around I find myself considering this word. Can anyone ever truly trust someone 100%?  Is it really wise to even try to trust someone 100%? Can you ever put all of yourself into one person, and let your guard down entirely? I used to think you could, but now I’m not so sure. I’m leaning towards “no”.  Still, this past month it's like the Gods and Goddesses have been screaming at me "Time To Get Over This One, Char!!"  In analyzing what it means for me to trust someone, I see that I am growing up too.

I arrive two minutes too late to catch the 9:00 ferry over to Victoria, so I buy my ticket for the 10:00 sailing and hop over to the market place to buy myself a cup of organic coffee and a muffin, something to stop my stomach from growling. As I walk through the terminal and across the parking lot, a familiar blanket starts to fall over me – the feeling that happens to me every time it’s time for me to write. Although that urge to write might have happened several times in the last month, I’ve not been able to give it a second thought. Rush rush rush, cope cope cope, manage manage manage. Learning to be me again is like going back to school full time.  I’m constantly on the lookout for a new lesson. Today as I sit in the market place at the ferry terminal and look out over Tsawassen Bay, I realize that keeping my life really busy has been a blessing. It has not, however, washed away all of my pain and worries. This realization comes to me as soon as I have quieted my mind long enough to channel the words my guides want me to write here. As soon as I have sat still and am away from the unrelenting pace of my life, it all comes flooding back: the memories, the words, the loss, the sadness, and the bitter-sweet realization of my newfound enjoyment of life. My eyes mist up – “Gee, they haven’t done that in weeks”, I think to myself.  Going further into the realization, I also see that being busy has given me at least some stability in my life, and I am in more control of my emotions because of it. I haven’t become insensitive, and in fact I still feel a lot. But the reprieve has given me strength again. I see things more clearly. These days I feel like I’m making decisions based solely on me, not on someone else, not on peer pressure, not on what my ex would have told me to do, not what my family thinks I should be doing, none of it. I have learned to wait until the inspiration is perfect and my guides give me the green light. If I don’t have either of those things I just don’t do it.

Weekdays are hard. Still all too often wondering about my future, I have not yet been able to secure a permanent position that I am really thrilled about. Nothing looks the way I thought it would look, and I am continually challenged to let go of my ideals. The ideals of who I thought I “should” be, what I thought I “should” do. Sometimes I think my life has been about mimicry. I have been a chameleon. You might say that this shape-shifting is a good skill to have – the ability to mold into any space, take on any form.  But as a sensitive person it is inevitable that one picks up on things that aren’t truly herself. I think to myself that this was what my entire marriage was based upon. So how does one stay in a relationship with someone and still be authentically themselves? If “differentiation” is a good thing, why then does it wreak havoc upon people’s relationships? Are we all shape-shifting to make ourselves appealing to someone else? These questions, and being as sensitive as I am, are making it almost impossible to trust new love in my life.  Trust is one lesson that I am currently looking at very seriously right now. And I’ve got a lot of questions about it, you bet I do. If I am to trust someone fully again, I am going to have to truly learn what it means to surrender.

But I am not able to do that. Not yet.

Yesterday Dina, Danielle, Malcolm and I drove out to a quiet bay called Brunswick Beach just past Lions Bay on the Sea-To-Sky Highway. It is a secluded naturalist beach where the water is crystal clear and the beach is calm and quiet. Not wild and zany like Wreck Beach, where you have to try to find a spot that is only half as insane as the rest of the beach! Each of us brought whatever comforts we needed for the day (food, water, beer, body pillow, beach blankets, sunscreen, music) and found a super sweet secluded spot big enough for the four of us. Together we lied nude in the sunshine, fully soaking up the warmth that this West Coast summer has blessed us with. Sitting in the sunshine with three Fire signs is quite the treat for me. As I sat back and listened to them talk, I smiled both inwardly and outwardly. These are the types of healing spirits that I’ve needed in my life.

In many ways I feel like everything I’ve wanted in my life is slowly slipping away. Some days it feels like my vision of living in Spain and speaking the language fluently is going to be impossible. But the truth is that life just looks so much differently than what I thought it would look like, that sometimes it just “seems” like my dreams won’t ever come true. But as long as one holds onto the dream then all is not lost! There is always a chance to have your dream realized. But to let go of your ideals, let go of your ego, let go of the person you thought you were… that’s what makes life feel difficult. It is a real struggle to give up and surrender, and TRUST what life has in store for you. As long as you fight the forces that are working against you, it will seem like there is no hope for anything. I’ve learned over and over again how to go with the flow. If this dream can’t happen right now, then so be it. For me it feels better to simply let a few things go for now while I iron out some of the kinks in the linens. I know that I can only do so much, and the rest is up to God, up to the Universe. I used to think that we could direct our destiny, but these days I am not so sure anymore. More and more I think that our destiny was defined for us the moment we took our first breath in this life. All we have to do is watch it play out like a good movie, and not fight it.

So here it is: my movie. And one day it’ll make a good book.

Finally on board the ferry and riding the waves of the Pacific Ocean as we maneuver through the straight past Gabriola Island. I silently observe how many Spanish speaking tourists there are on board today, and how I still enjoy listening to them speak their language. One family is definitely from Mexico, while two other women speak in an Argentinian accent.  As I sit here channeling words onto the blank screen of my computer, I can hear that the two dark haired gentlemen at the table beside mine are definitely from Spain, the sweet “thh” of their “s” so familiar. How I wish I could go over and strike up a conversation with them! How I wish my ability to speak Spanish wasn’t dwindling every day. Still, I understand exactly what they are saying - I giggle to myself as they speak about their confusion over our culture, and the westcoast scenery they find so foreign as they stare out the ferry windows. I keep my eyes on them and smile knowingly. They notice me watching them and they start to feel uneasy, perhaps even more confused – Canadian women don’t make eye contact with men, do they??  My smile broadens and I keep my eyes firmly planted on them. Passion rises in my heart, and I feel a warm glow in my solar plexus area. I am again reminded how much I love the Spanish culture. Suddenly the sound of the ferry’s horn jolts me from my dreamy state. I forget the two tantalizing Spanish men to my right and turn my gaze back to the ocean, and then to the beautiful trees and rocky cliffs that surround the island. I remind myself of how fortunate I am to be living here on Canada’s west coast, an area which I believe to be some of the most beautiful parts of this huge planet we live on. The vision of the water, so healing and strong, mixed with the green of the trees and mountains, and then contrasted with the blue BC summer skies, are all physically powerful reasons to live here. To remind myself again of how fortunate I am, my mind drifts back to only two days ago when I woke up early to meet one of my best girlfriends, Hileray, for a hike/workout on the BCMC trail at Grouse Mountain.  After a great sweat I drove down back into the city and out to the far edges of UBC to Wreck Beach, where I lied in the sand on a “relatively” chilled out Friday. I even allowed myself to drift down into a sleepy, summer siesta - something which is normally quite hard for me to do at Wreck. That very evening on my way back from the beach, I met Danielle in Chinatown and together we went into Yaletown, into the heart of the city on a Friday night, to have dinner and drinks and people-watch, and feel alive and attractive and a part of the scene. It was a full, wonderful, Vancouver summer day.

Thompson, Shyda, and Auntie Char

I am a lucky woman. I am also starting to realize that I am free as a bird. I know that there will always be something that I will strive for, something that will feel just out of my reach, or something that I have to work a little harder to achieve. There will always be something that frustrates me, no doubt. But this is a part of human nature – the process of evolvement and constant expansion and spiritual growth. I am making my own decisions and moving at my own pace. I come and go as I please. I am fully a single woman who is learning to enjoy, and who is also currently enjoying her new self.

And trust? Well, trust will be forthcoming. When I’ve decided I can trust, I'll let you know.

Charleen xo

Canada Day Long Weekend

Leigh, Hileray and me in Las Vegas several years ago -

when we were still young, single, and DANGEROUS!

It definitely wasn't the warmest Canada Day on record. In fact we wore our rain jackets and hoodies just in case!  My best friends, Leigh and Hileray, and I went to Lilith Fair which was being held at Ambleside Park in West Vancouver.  It was Leigh who bought us the tickets as a surprise, but kept our Canada Day Celebration a secret until the very afternoon we were meant to go!  All I knew is that we were going to an outdoor event and to dress appropriately.  It was a great gift, and it was the first time the three of us had gotten together for a few hours of fun, sans babies, sans husbands/boyfriends, in so many years it hurts to even count.  Even though it was chilly out, we had a fantastic day!  Lots of good girl time to catch up and share, and we even enjoyed the beer gardens!

http://www.lilithfair.com/

We had to "double-fist" because the line up for alcohol was sooo friggin' long! 

Then when we finally got our first round of drinks, we went and stood back in line again - 40 minutes to get through it!  No, this was definitely not an event planned in strategic Netherlands, and we all would have been really cranky about the wait if we hadn't been guzzling and in such good company already.  Thank goodness it wasn't raining!

By the time we got through the alcohol line the second time we had finished our first rounds of drinks.  The girls impressed me with their guzzling capabilities - almost like that trip to Las Vegas, eh ladies? 

Lilith Fair

Headliners included: Erykha Badu, Sheryl Crow, Sarah McLaghlin and Sugarland

I've been working a little bit as a temp at Vancity.  I have no further comments about this, except for to say that I am still looking for something greater.  But I do notice how I just don't have the energy or the inspiration to write when I'm busy at work all day, and that is definitely a drag.  It's a total zap of my creative energy.  I shall endure it for now...

Saturday I decided it was high time for a dance party type celebration, and I went with Danielle and her new boyfriend, Mike, who was DJing at Fortune along side of Julius Papp from San Francisco.  Mike and Julius made a great team, and the crowd was really appreciative of their deep house beats.  And I have to say that this Trance Queen was quite impressed also.

Thanks for inviting me along, Danielle!

Danielle, Mike, and Julius

The weather in Vancouver has turned from strangely chilly to super warm, and we are now finally enjoying temperatures in the high 20's and low 30's, which I love!  I will be spending as much time as I can in the sunshine.  Last night I skipped my yoga class to go for a long power walk in the heat with Maggie, and I may overlook a few yoga classes and choose to get outdoors over the next couple of months.  I did get to a fantastic Led class on Canada Day morning that I was up bright and early for, and then Adam and Theresa made the class a yummy vegan brunch.  It was a great way to ring in the summer!

Canada Day Breakfast and Yoga

As I'm finding it difficult to be inspired to write, I can only give a brief summary of the things that have been going on.  I was happy to have my sister, Colette, and her husband Larry in town the other night and they joined me for a bbq at my house.  I will probably go and visit my youngest brother and his family some time this month as they are expecting their second child any day now, and I'm excited to become an Auntie again!  Other than that, everything else is still up in the air since I am still looking for work.  It feels like I am still just waiting for things to happen, and that is seriously annoying.  I am learning how to detach and enjoy the moment.  I have no choice really.

I can say that this coming weekend will be fun not only because the weather is going to be excellent, but because I am expecting a visitor!  I can't give you much information on this right now, but I can say that there will be a distinctly Dutch energy around my house this coming weekend. :)

For now, all else is still a mystery.  Maybe I'm not supposed to have any answers quite yet?

Charleen xo

New West Coast Experiences

This past weekend was full of hiking and festivals. Now I am starting to get into the freedom and independence that makes being single a really great thing.

After doing the BCMC trail last week, I couldn't wait to get up there again on Saturday morning and asked my good friend Maggie to join me. Maggie is from Vancouver and has never done the Grind or BCMC, or been up to Grouse Mountain at all. She just thought it was always too cliche to bother hiking it. She impressed herself fully by completing the hike in an hour and a half, and I was very impressed by her good nature.  Some people hit a wall early when climbing Grouse Mountain, and then whine and complain all the way up.  But not Maggie. She was happy to be up there in the wilderness, breathing the fresh air and getting exercise, and experiencing something totally new! We laughed and got stuff off our chest all the way up!  Very therapeutic.

After the hike Maggie suggested that we hit one of the many festivals that happen in the Lower Mainland during the summer: the BC Highland Games and Scottish Festival.  I had heard about this particular festival in the past, and having never left my own city for a festival, and deciding it was time to start making my own memories again, I full-heartedly agreed!  So off we drove down the highway to Coquitlam with the sunroof open and trance music blaring all the way.

http://www.bchighlandgames.com/

Besides the fact that the weather was perfect, I have never seen so many hunky men dressed in kilts in one place before in my life! I mean seriously.  They'd smile and say hi to Maggie and me, and all I could manage to reply with was "Ha-Ha-Ha-Hellooo!", complete with heart palpitations and hot flashes! Then Maggie would have to practically carry me away from them, because I was tripping over my tongue. I am so pathetic when it comes to hunky men.  Even the on-duty RCMP were dressed in tartan.

All I've got to say to an RCMP in a kilt is: "YES SIR!"

Maggie and I felt an instant heart-connection with this beautiful Hawk.  He had a gentle, loving energy.

When I first arrived I admit I was a little cheesed out by all the tartan, celtic sing-a-longs and highland dancers, but I decided to be open-minded about the whole thing.  And since Maggie is a Scottish lass herself, I owed it to her to be hospitable. 

Highland dancers in competition

But the honest truth is that after only a short time I was completely impressed and realized that there is a large and very proud Scottish community here in the Lower Mainland.  The part of the festival that I ended up getting hooked on was the Pipe Band competition.  I know I know, we all think bag pipes sound like dying cats, right?  Well that is so not true!  An entire band of them with a large drum section can actually be quite mesmerizing and rhythmic.  I was super impressed with them, and having grown up participating in a girl's marching band myself, I very much enjoyed watching them march and drill and play to the crowds.  By far the best band there was our very own SFU Pipe Band, followed closely by the Portland, Oregon Pipe Band.  I mean, who knew??  

Seriously, if you just hang out for a few minutes and watch these video clips, you'll totally get into the rhythm too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOWrcypFLVk 

The drummers are really fun to watch!  The bands were judged not only on their performance, but the sound quality of their bagpipes, the music selections, their uniforms, everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMmj0YrgpsQ

Just like at any festival, there was a variety of vendors selling Clan tartans and Scottish regalia, but Maggie and I instead chose to shop for JEWELLERY!  Oh, and there was of course a sunny Beer Garden for working on the tan, and which also gave a great vantage point for watching the men... I mean the bands...

Two Fairies buying jewellery at an outdoor Celtic festival.  Sounds perfect to me!

Ahh, BC's west coast.  Probably one of the only places you can get away with wearing your hiking gear and still look fashionable!  Just brush out your hair, put a little lip gloss on, and you're set!  Gotta love it!

 We were having so much fun that we didn't even notice how famished we were! On the way home we found a fantastic sushi place in Coquitlam (who knew Coquitlam even had sushi restaurants!?)

This was actually some of the finest, freshest, yummiest sushi I've eaten in a long time. 

We are so spoiled with great sushi here on the west coast!

Saturday night was spent with my new man-friend Malcolm, watching movies until the wee hours of the morning.  It turns out I've found my equal when it comes to critiquing movies.  He has an eye for detail and is good at discerning.  Almost as good as me!  :)

The next morning, Sunday, I of course dragged myself out of bed to the promise of a fresh cup of coffee that Malcolm was making me, and then I hit my Ashtanga yoga class.  There simply is nothing like it on Sunday mornings, and this class is definitely becoming my religion.  No, I won't ever be a true yogi.  But all the benefits I get from doing it are completely worth laying low on a Saturday night for.

Another good thing about not partying on Saturday night is that Maggie and I were able to again go hiking, but this time it was up to Port Moody and behind Buntzen Lake Park - a ridge with several peaks called Eagle Ridge.  Maggie and I hooked up with our friends, Tod and Alex, who are extreme athletes and triathletes, and we thought for sure we were in big trouble allowing ourselves to follow them up a mountain side.  And even though the first part of the trail was wickedly steep, Maggie and I got through it all, climing the first part of the Halvor London Trail up to Polytrichum Lookout, and then taking another side trail further up the mountain to the White Rock Trail.  At the end were magnificent views of the entire Lower Mainland.  It was cloudy and rained off and on yesterday, but it was warm and still awesome!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buntzen_Lake

  

No hike is complete without stopping at Starbucks first!

From left: Maggie, Alex, and Tod

Maggie and Kenya, just starting the long climb uphill

Stopping at Polytrichum Lookout for a short break

Apparently the boys never go hiking without the Fireball.  They claim it keeps them warm.  

Riiiiiighhht....

I really loved the variety in this trail - at one point we had to grab hold of tree roots to climb up an enbankment, and hoist ourselves over fallen trees to make it down to another ridge. 

And there was lots of mud too!  Loved it!

Screaming Hamstrings!!!

About two hours in

Finally making it to the White Rock after about two hours fifteen minutes.  Elevation: 1100 m.

Can you see Vancouver?

I actually took footage coming back down the trail too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu5U7Wkz0Z4

Downhill trail running.  What a blast! 

There are fewer things better than running through a forest by yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkWKTzhs1jA

At the end of the trail.  Sweet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPrH-1wpOTU

Yay!  We did it!  One of the most strenuous hikes in the Lower Mainland! 

Total time: 4 hours.

Can't wait to get my shoes muddy again!

Standing on the edge of Buntzen Lake

Today I didn't think I was too sore, but since sitting so long in one place to post this, I'm definitely finding it difficult to stand up!  Ouch!  But it is entirely worth it.  Can't wait to experience more of the West Coast's day hikes! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zxj7RDw3qE

Charleen xo

The Force of Fire Signs

Once upon a time there was a girl, a very fickle girl by some's standards, who tried and tried to become what society wanted her to be, to think the way they did, and to do things exactly like everyone else.  She failed miserably at following others, and to the point of being incredibly down on herself and her inability to be "normal".  One day she realized that she had gotten to the point where not one more cell in her body could lie any longer.  While there had been a time where she could pretend, she knew that pretending only covered over the truth for a little while, and then things would crash and burn and she'd have to start all over again in her life anyways.  She knew that by pretending, she was only putting off facing her Self.  But the day that she realized that she couldn't lie about things anymore was the day she really turned inside, looked deep, and searched for the lighter melody.  She still didn't know what the outcome would be.  All she knew was that she had to go with it.

So with that, she quit her job and didn't feel bad about it at all.

Now, this is not to say that she didn't panic just a little bit.  Afterall, she was living in a grand city in a wonderful country where millions of others only wish they could live in, and life doesn't come for free in that city.  She knew how fortunate she was, and she knew she ought to be thankful for everything that she had been graced with in her lifetime.  And she was.  But pretending to mesh in a place where, to her, just felt volatile, aggressive, and full of unhappy people, an office that just seemed to be taking all of her life blood from her, was something that she couldn't deal with any longer.  Not one more second.  Which is why she has a day like today, the morning after the Summer Solstice, to write all day if she wants to.  And that is perfectly perfect.

The last couple of weeks have been absolutely INSANE, and you only know the first half of it.  The things that are really happening in my life have nothing to do with finding a great job (although that is definitely a very physical reality for me), they have all to do with self-recognition and inner reflection, and a whole bunch of realizations in between it all. 

My true friends are showing themselves to me, and tears fill my eyes just thinking of the love I have for them and how their words of encouragement, support, and acceptance of me, as wacky as my life seems right now, have reminded me once again of one of the reasons I am very, very fortunate in my life.

My two Fire Sign Friends - Maggie and Danielle

Sunning in the backyard

Two of my girlfriends, Maggie and Danielle, Leo and Aries, deserve special mention at this time in my life.  These two girls have been constant in their support of me, and they have nurtured my process and taken care with my heart, and have proved it to me many times over.  Not only are they elementally mischievious, but they are the fire and the energy that I need to get my butt up off the ground.  They help me me to feel confidant again.

Of course you know that my roommate Dina is a Sagittarius and in her own quiet way is constantly supporting me.  She reminds me to choose optimistic thoughts.  Her home is now my home, and as you can see by the sunny back yard, it's not a bad place at all to be!  There will be many more days of sunshine, bbq's and girl talk in that back yard.  Summer is here, afterall.

On the eve of Summer Solstice, I strolled up Commercial Drive and stumbled upon a dance party that was happening in the middle of the street!  I could not believe my good luck!  While I was there, I connected instantly with another fire sign woman, an Aries named Ashley.  She is much younger than me, but age has no bearing when Goddess connect.  So I am meeting new friends, and they seem to be fire signs.  I'm not sure if I am drawn to them for a reason or not.  But they are giving me energy right now like you wouldn't believe.

Funky beats on Commercial Drive 

I even bumped in Watermelon there!  Great to see her as always!

And I just want to say that the one really great thing about the job I worked for one week was meeting a new friend, an Aries named Mariko.  Although the place was an extremely toxic environment, we both agree that if for no other reason at all we were supposed to work there so that we could meet.  Sometimes the Universe works in magical ways.  :)

A new man friend of mine, Malcolm, also an Aries, makes me laugh till my stomach hurts.  He is an artist - a photographer who is renovating his little home in East Van basically from the ground up.  He is not without his struggles and stories, but he is endlessly optimistic and has this wonderful ability to laugh at himself and the world.  And he really just rolls with it.  I am enjoying getting to know him.  It is refreshing to be with someone who has no daily structure, but who also isn't just winging it through life.  I see through him that things are being done differently, and that there are so many more options out there to be had than just the ones I've been allowing myself to see.  Sitting in his little house, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, hearing him singing in the background and chuckling at himself every now and again while I drink a delicious cup of organic coffee that he just placed on the desk beside me, definitely reminds me of how lucky I am.  I am thankful for him.

     

Malcolm, the Aries

Malcolm is working really hard on his little house and on the yard too which I've offered to help him with today.  He said to me "But you have to write!".  And as I sit here channelling the next word that I will write at his desk that he has offered up to me for the day, I can hear him moving big pieces of wood and equipment around in his backyard, and I am comforted.  I sit heavy above my keyboard, considering how to write and all the things I want to say, my head in my hands and my eyes closed.  He pops inside and I feel his hand on my shoulder, and his voice "Alright?"  My response is "This is just where I go".  He understands right away because he is a creative spirit too, and he knows that a person has their "zone" and they just have to be there when the moment comes.  More support and encouragement from another Fire Sign.  How lucky can a girl get?  I ask you.

June.  My favourite month of the year.  The sun is at its highest and we are blessed with daylight long into the evenings and bright and early in the morning.  My inspiration, my thoughts come from an entirely different perspective, a different light if you will, than they would come if I was writing in, say, January.  All perspectives are good, no feeling that anyone has is ever wrong.  But I am affected by the seasons here maybe more than others because I've chosen to be honest about it.  Some people think it's not right to show your emotions or let yourself be seen.  I just don't get that, and I can't pretend any longer that everyone else has it right.  The sun is up high, I can see the trees out the window as I sit at this little desk inside this humble, de-constructed house on a quiet street in East Van, and I think that everything is absolutely perfect.  I think that everything is right where it should be, including me.

In yoga class the other day, where I sweat and challenge myself physically and mentally, I had a revelation.  It was something about the stretch I was in, all of a sudden like the reel of a movie the words played across my mind: "You are finding your way, Charleen, and it's not anywhere else in the world.  It's here in Vancouver and it's been here all along".  As I go deeper into the stretch my eyes soften and I respond with a question: "Well how can that be?  I've been here for so long and I never found it.  I have outgrown Vancouver, haven't I?"  And the answer I get right away and as clear as a bell is: "You never outgrew Vancouver.  You outgrew your Self".  The shock of that insight draws my breath in deeper and I reach my finger tips to the ceiling in a reverse-angle triangle, my spine somehow twisting further around.  I breath deep and let that realization resonate for a couple more breaths.  I fall back into a child's pose - holy crap.  The last couple of years, especially towards the end of my marriage, felt like pure inner agony and frustration.  It mounted to such a state that life had no choie but to crumble around me.  I remember learning from the words of Abraham (channeled through Esther Hicks) about the Law of Attraction, and how you have to bring yourself up to speed with your own desires.  I thought I understood it and was physically trying to do all I could to get there.  The problem was never where I was physically - the problem was within me.  I was changing, I had expanded to a place where being who I was just didn't jive with me anymore and I just thought if I could get away then I could change.  Well I don't know for sure, and I suppose a physical move still isn't a bad suggestion.  But today I am not that same woman.  I don't think the same, I don't act the same, I don't hang around with the same people, and I for sure don't have the same man in my life.  And I am actually starting to feel light again and that I'm following my own path in the ways I want to and the ways that are truly healthy and helpful for me.  I am getting up to speed with who I really am. 

Oh!  What we give up to stay in relationship.  Damnit, we give up ourselves!  Today I wonder if there will ever be a way to truly be in a relationshp with anyone without giving up myself.

I have joined another type of support group, this one called http://www.divorcesupport.com/.  I was just getting so sick and tired of not feeling better, and some days I still felt like I was getting worse instead of better.  I don't know the people in the forum personally, but I can say that I think the majority of them must be American.  I can hear the sweet twang in their accents when they write back to me, when they tell their stories.  I am warmed by them even without knowing them.  They are, in reality, just words at the other end of the internet.  But I am glad to have found them.  Check out the "Life After Divorce" forum... some really honest things happening there, but mostly only those of us who have been through it, or are still actually going through it, can truly offer authentic support.

Now that it's June, I've been up into the mountains and getting into nature more often.  The Grouse Grind and the BCMC trail which starts about a quarter of the way up The Grind, are true sources of relief for me.  Located on the North Shore, these are just two of the fantastic things about living in Vancouver during the summer.  The other day I went up and did the BCMC trail which took about an hour and eighteen minutes, then I took the gondola down and dialed Danielle who was primed and ready to hit the beach.  Together we went to Wreck Beach and lied in the sunshine, relaxed, and welcomed the heat again into our bodies.  Mountains and beach all in the same day.  Truly it is a good life here.

http://www.hollyburnheritagesociety.ca/s_106.asp 

BCMC Trail, North Vancouver

So all of this: my Fire Sign friends, my support forum, the well lit days of June, the beach, the BCMC trail, and a good dose of following the easiest and most honest path are all helping me to rediscover the joy of living.  Of being alive and of being free.  Just the way this Aquarian fairy needs to be.

Charleen xo