Walking through a park trail in Cranbrook, BC
This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and it means an extra day off work to relax. For a lot of us it may also mean getting away and out of town. For me it means finally coming home to Cranbrook, a town of 20,000 in the East Kootenays, over 800 kms east of Vancouver in a valley nestled between the Rocky Mountains and the Purcells to visit my parents. It's been over two years since I've been here, and over a year since I've seen my parents. To say that I've been "estranged" from my family would be an understatement. I just haven't wanted to see any of them. It just seems like even talking to them on the phone brings tears to my eyes, and I feel great bunches of remorse, humiliation, and regret in regards to my divorce (now final - August 30). Being around my family reminded me of all those feelings. I have wanted to stay far away from them.
But as soon as I saw my dad at the airport yesterday, a big grin on his face, I knew I'd made the right call coming home for the weekend. I was twice-reminded when I walked through the back door of my house, the same house my parents have lived in for 35 years now and the place that all my brothers and sisters and I call still call "home", and my mom, standing at the top of the porch steps exclaimed "Well it's about time you came to see me!" She wrapped me up in her arms in a great welcoming bear hug, and I squeezed her back, tears springing to my eyes. I said "I'm sorry I've been away so long."
My mom and dad
I also noticed that my mom still had my wedding photos up on her wall, the very sexy and European wedding photos that he and I had taken at our wedding in Ibiza, Spain. We loved those photos, and I am reminded of our personally written vows to one another and a hand-fasting ceremony, a ceremony we created all on our own. In the photos I see him looking gently and lovingly into my eyes, and I see that I look the same way upon him. An entire story runs through my mind when I look at them. It tears at my heart. I ask my mom to please take the pictures down because, honestly, I can't stand the sight or sound of him in any way in my life anymore. My mom smiles lovingly at me and just says "OK". Without a second thought the pictures come down off that wall. She immediately replaces the space with pictures of her 8 grand children, my nieces and nephews.
When I come back to Cranbrook, I am always reminded of the healing effects that I get from the calm and quiet of the East Kootenays, an in nature in general. I step outside my back door and my little black and white cat, Venus, now 15 years old, jumps down off the warm compost bin she's been sunning herself on and happily struts over to see me. I hear the birds whistling in the pine trees and the wind moving between the hills, settling in our little valley, and then rolling off towards another hill. And besides that I hear nothing. No traffic, no car alarms, rarely a siren. It is peacful here.
My cat, Venus
My parent's backyard is one of those rare places that, along with a sunny beach in Ibiza, I escape to in my mind on days back in the city when it gets really stressful. I picture myself lying in the grass in the sunshine and hearing nothing but calm, and it relaxes me. This is not just a vision, it is a reality and something I make certain to experience every time I come here. But visiting here hasn't happened often. I've stayed away purposely, and I didn't think I could return again for a long time. Now I hear my mom and dad moving around the house that I grew up in, my mom is stuffing the turkey and my dad is discussing what we should eat for lunch. Suddenly I feel the need to write again. To share it all. It's been a long time.
A view of the back yard - same yard I played in as a child
When one gets wrapped up in the pressures of simply trying to live day to day, one loses her lucidity, her ability to feel that creative flow that makes a good blog post. Writing is never far from my heart and my mind, but lately it has not been realized in the physical. I have a lot to say. I've been thinking a lot.
I have finally, FINALLY, been offered a permanent position with an up and coming mining company downtown, and I am happy for it for more than just the obvious reasons. The last 22 months have been hard on my heart and my self-esteem, and finally being offered a permanent position somewhere (EA to the CFO) is my first step at settling down. I almost started crying when my boss, an Aries the same age as me and someone who I have quickly learned I can trust, sat me down in his office and handed me a formal written offer and welcoming package. Seriously. I had to excuse myself to regain my composure. When I got back to his office he joked with me saying "Are those tears of grief??"
Another Aries in my life, a man who is also teaching me that I can trust again, and someone who is turning out to be a good companion, has also been taking up the other hours in my day. Those hours meaning: evening and weekends mostly. Malcolm, the zany artist and photographer from East Van, is teaching me a lot about being accountable in relationship again, standing up on my own two feet, and being strong. Of course it wouldn't be fair to blame Malcolm for the absence from writing in my blog. But let's just say he has been doing a good job of occupying my time. I am not lonely anymore.
Food for Thought:
They say that if you randomly took 100 people on this planet of ours, 6 of them would possess 59% of the world's weath and they would be from the USA. 80 of those 100 people would be living in poverty, and 70 of those 100 would be illiterate. 50 would be living in hunger and malnutrition. 1 would be dying. 1 would be born. Only 1 would own a computer, and only 1 would have a university degree.
Further, they say that if you woke up this morning in good health then you are luckier than 1 million people who will die this week. If you've never experienced war, prison, torture, or have been close to dying from starvation, then you're better off than 500 million other people. If you have a full fridge (or even a fridge half full), clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, then you are wealthier than 75% of the world's population. Yes, if you currently have even a little bit of money in the bank and a few coins in your wallet then you are one out of 8 privileged people in 100.
If your parents are still alive and still married then you are a very rare and lucky individual.
I would fall under all those categories. I try to remind myself daily of all the things that I should be thankful for, and to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I remember how difficult life must be for others living on the other side of the world, but I am also reminded every day when I walk down Terminal Avenue to pick up my parked car after work of just how many homeless people there are in Vancouver, too. They keep me humble, these homeless people who line up to get a bowl of soup and possibly a warm bed for the night if they are lucky. Sometimes they wave at me and greet me kindly, and sometimes some are bold enough to even whistle at me as I walk to my parked Volvo, wearing my Spanish high-heels and Raybans. Strangely enough, in comparison to them I am a millionaire. I see and realize these things every day, yet why sometimes do I still feel so low? Why do I sometimes feel like I haven't even a pot to pee in? Like I have nothing worth talking about in my life? I wake up many mornings gasping for breath, panicking from bad dreams, and worried about my future. Awful dreams about my ex sitting across a table at me, mocking me, laughing viciously at me... And I am filled with dread for the day that lays out ahead of me. It takes a lot to tackle those nasty thoughts and to keep yourself ahead of them. I am conscious of it every day.
Up here in Cranbrook I am reminded of the simple life, where people greet one another on the street, and where leaving the back door unlocked while we go for a long walk in one of the many parks and trails in and around this little city is not a completely foreign concept. There is more than enough space in anyone's backyard, and open valleys and mountain trails to explore. It is a beautiful part of the province of BC and I have been privileged enough to have been raised here. It is quiet so quiet here that I finally have the time and the ability to write - the words coming to me now so quickly and effortlessly as if to say "Well it's about time you came to see me!" Just like my mom. Writing is always there for me, no matter how long I've been away.
The Steeples - Rocky Mountain Trench just outside of Cranbrook
A short day hike up to Eager Point
I think living in Vancouver is probably a very privileged life. But the costs of living far outweigh one's take-home pay, and so life is very stressful there. It's hard to remember that we're all so lucky to be alive when we struggle every day to just pay our rent. Gawd, paying rent is becoming a huge thorn in my side - without the savings for even a downpayment on way over-priced one bedroom condo, I may possibly be paying rent for the rest of my life. Do I feel good about this? I sure as hell don't. And with all the others around me in the corporate world who so obviously make more money than I do, I am reminded of how pathetic I must be. Well, mustn't I be??
A massive purple cabbage just waiting to be plucked from the garden
But WAIT! Then I remember that 500 million people, at least, are starving and living in war torn countries. And I stop complaining right away.
My mom is making red cabbage from her delicious garden to have with our turkey dinner tonight, along with the corn that is still growing, and fresh squash - also from her garden. We have been eating bright, juicy tomatoes from her green house. As I sit at their home computer and write this memo, I hear my Iphone chiming in the other room - an incoming text from a friend from somewhere in the world. There is SO MUCH abundance in this world, and sometimes our heads are so far up our asses (or stuck in another reality) that we can't see what we've got! My parents are alive and still together... good grief, how much more fortunate can one divorced Vancouver girl be??
The cauliflower is almost as big as the cabbage!
As I think about all this and more this Thanksgiving weekend, I hope that everyone can also find enough time and quiet to take 30 seconds to remember just how good you've got it, too.
Beets like nobody's business!
My dad wants to go up to the trails around Jim Smith Lake and then later up to Eager Peak to look for Chanterelle mushrooms. With the fresh air in my lungs and the sun shining brightly on my face, who am I to say no?
Enjoying the sunshine and a Thanksgiving cocktail in the back yard with my folks :)
Love, Charleen xo
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