Personal Journal Entries and More

These past few days I have been feeling a whole mix of stuff.  I did go to Valencia for the weekend and I loved it, and I want to of course write a post about the city and show you all some photos.  I feel a greater pull to just get some stuff off my chest though, so this will come first.  Valencia will be second.

Firstly I want to say that one of the best things I've done in days is take out a membership at the library.  That's right: I have a real library card now at the Biblioteca Sagrada Familia and, even though it seems like something so small, it links me even deeper to this city.  It is quiet and modern in here, and I am currently sitting upright at a proper desk, and not like I normally have been, sprawled across my bed with my laptop resting ontop of me, or with my legs folded underneath me, writing in a twisted position off to one side.  I can't even THINK in that way, let alone write!  No, this library is much more conducive to creative writing.  I can see myself one day having my own personal space to write in.  It will be an ergonomically correct, L-Shaped writing centre and office for creativity and writing only, and maybe perhaps it will have a small sofa and coffee table to enjoy a cup of tea with a close friend, or someone who will be lucky enough to be invited in.  It will be in a secluded space with lots of bright light and open windows for fresh air.  Through the windows I can see tall, leafy trees, and I can hear birds singing.  I see it and I feel it.  I don't know where it is but it will be mine one day.  :)

I've been writing in my journal quite a bit lately, and my entries are very telling.  One's personal passage from married life to singlehood is unique.  I still find myself connected in so many ways to the life I had previously.  To the life with a husband who I thought I would grow old with.  Sometimes out of nowhere it hits me, like this morning in the middle of a bite of cereal, causing me to choke on my own tears, doubled over and wondering what the hell just hit me.  In those moments I have to shake my head and remember to breathe, yet I still wonder where the heck it all came from!  And then it goes away just as quickly as it came on.  Many days I am still deeply saddened and hurt by the way things went down, those awful days in January and February 2009, and for which I felt I had no control over.  Like my husband had just turned into Mr. Hyde, I had no idea who he was in those horrible moments.  But if I am honest with myself (and even if I'm not honest with myself), my journal entries from around a year ago were warnings of what was coming.  I guess I thought we were going through a rough patch, as is common in any marriage.  I naively thought that love conquered all.  I never really did give up on my commitment to my marriage and I believed I could stick it out through thick and thin.  It's funny: commitment is still something I feel I have to have, even though I know I don't.  Last year at this time I was working two part-time jobs and saving for my husband's surprise 40th birthday, remember?  It was a good party if I don't say so myself!  I took so much pleasure in organizing it!  And he never suspected a thing, remember?  Yet all the while his heart was beating elsewhere.  So this post is not to discredit my ex husband (who I actually have more compassion for now than ever before) or to try to embarrass him, or me for that matter.  It's because I really just want to admit it.  I've had enough of hiding.  By all means, please DO NOT READ THIS POST if you're going to sit back and develop a personal opinion over it.  It's not your place.  So you'd better get ready to be detached.  The fact is that nobody ever really talks about what goes on for them - we all just think that people somehow miraculously "get over it".  And yes, we do get over it don't we?  But there is a ton of stuff that goes on in between beginning and end.  I'd personally like to hear more honesty about life.  It's like when I asked a girlfriend about how her labour went, and she responded "well, it hurt like hell".... that doesn't really tell me anything.  One expects child-bearing to hurt like hell.  I want the truth!  This is my jab at it.

The following are excerpts from my last few journal entries, which are far more private and personal than what you'll ever see here on my blog:

"...I wonder how I could have loved him so much, and hated him so much?  I loved how we could walk into a place, arm in arm, and turn heads.  I loved how people always thought we made such a "lovely couple".  But I hated how behind closed doors we never really got a chance to relax with one another....he always had to work and focus on his computer before he could even contemplate going to the beach, or sleeping in on a Saturday morning instead of getting up early and heading directly for the gym... I pursuaded him only once in the entire time we were together to stay in bed... and to forget about the blackberry."

"... I suppose I should have been content...I suppose this should have made me a very happy woman.  Safe.  Secure.  Yes ok.  It did make me feel safe and secure.  So is that how one creates happiness, too?  Where did my sabatoge come from?"

"...I have a grand trine in Earth, so I am very much influenced by stability.  Yet I am an Aquarian.  I seek freedom and anything other than what is considered mainstream.  How do I find a common ground then?  I thought I could have it with my Sagittarian husband, whose year of birth is the same as mine.  I believe I thought right.  It is him who couldn't stay any longer.  So maybe I didn't see it right?  Or maybe, just maybe, the time we were meant to be together again on this planet has passed and it was perfect just the way it was? "

"... my Gemini moon causes me problems.  One minute hate, the next minute love.  One minute anger, the next minute peace.  One minute revenge, the next acceptance.  Personally, I don't think I'm too complicated.  I just think that most people have accepted a standard way of living and believing.  No one questions anything.  Everyone goes to school and learns the exact same thing... we are paper dolls, us humans.  Cut out in the same shape as everyone else.  Any inconsistencies in the trim just look unsightly by societies' standards, and get tossed in the garbage..."

"...I did things right under his nose that I don't think a wife should do to a husband.  He did the same to me.  We acted like a bunch of fucking kids..."

"...Husbands.  When we're separated at a party we seek out their eyes in a sea of empty gazes, that warmth and softness, that recognition, that ultimate knowing.  We grow so accustomed to hearing their voice first thing in the morning and last thing at night, on the phone, whispering in our ear, talking with others when we're together celebrating in a group...We take on their stories, their beliefs.  We hear ourselves voicing their opinions... it's so true that we become them...we think we love them, but it's a poor translation that we've created from a language we barely know.   Perhaps you never really can understand a marriage, either." 

As you can see, I am still fighting the negative thoughts and trying to make peace with everything.  I guess the ultimate thing would be forgiveness of myself.  And bit by bit, little by little, I am feeling better.  When I talk on the phone with him, or Skype with him, I inevitably feel like shit.  The last time I Skyped with him, I ended up having an email argument with my brother on the same day over something so tiny and unimportant that it's not even worth mentioning here.  That's how pathetic it gets, and how far from my centre I fall.  (Greg: I'm sorry!)  As much as the Aquarian side of me wants to maintain a friendship, and the Taurus rising can't stand the conflict and wants everything to be peaceful, I know that I just can't have it that way.  It takes two people to make a relationship what it is.  When one person has a completely different take on things, well, there's not much you can do but leave it rest.  Why bother fighting anymore?

And I know that there are SO MANY GOOD THINGS to be happy about, so I am reminding myself to focus on them.  I don't know if life really is set out for us before we come here.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.  I do believe that we have choices, we have free will.  And I think we are also sculpted by our own personal experiences, how we each personally perceive the things that hurt us, that feel good, etc.  So we can choose to be or feel whatever, and within each of those decisions lies a path.  I do believe, however, that our soul's journey here has an ultimate purpose.  How we obtain the final result is completely up to each of us. 

I am super thrilled with my twin sister who just put on the Body and Soul Wellness Fair in Vernon this past weekend.  I am so excited by her journey, by her hard work, her perseverance, and her vision.  She is a pioneer in so many ways and all I can do is look up to her.  My other sister and two brothers are busy with their own families and I miss them all terribly.  Even though life continues to progress with the same ups and downs we all experience, I am energized by their plans, dreams, and difficulties.  It reminds me what it means to be alive, and I love hearing from them.  My dad is helping to organize (and play at) an Arts Council Benefit Concert in my hometown of Cranbrook, and both him and my mom are super involved in their activities and busy giving back to their community. I get stoked when I hear about my friend's lives and what they're up to: Donna's life and new job in Toronto, Leigh's quest to run a marathon, Maggie's push to be the best saleswoman ever, Dina's agroturismo in Nicaragua, Linda's new life with her boyfriend, Natalia's French classes, Laurie's own mid-life confusion that I find absolutely beautiful, Denise's new move to Victoria, Brenda's theatre productions, Sheila's new found and long forgotten enjoyment of dancing... the list can go on and on.  I am 100% supportive of everyone, no matter what you're all doing.  When I look at you all, I understand what life is all about.  So it continues.  The world keeps turning.  Nothing ever stays the same and nothing was ever meant to.  I don't know exactly how to word this as I've never been good at explaining myself (Mercury Retrograde in Pisces...).  But let me just say that standing back and watching how life unfolds, how you all learn and grow, and how that growth never stops, is what is truly rewarding for me and gives me the most enjoyment in life.  They say that we are all a part of the same whole. So as you all learn and grow, then I must be growing too.  If we are all a part of this grand picture, and if I see so many things happening for you, then it must also be happening for me.  Finding that personal respect, the same respect that I have for all of you, and the belief in myself again, continues to be something I work on every single day.

Love, Charleen xo