a Year

If I were to say "I can't believe that it's been a year since I wrote", I'd be lying.  I am very well aware of the fact that it's been a year since I wrote.  I can't count how many times I've told myself that "Today I am going to write!", and not followed through.  What's been going on in my life?  Well, a whole shit load of nothing.  A whole shit load of everything.

I took a very "stable" job as an Executive Assistant with a global engineering company last May.  I thought this would be the best option for me, and at the time I'd just come out of a freakish job with a small marketing firm and thought that a larger corporation might be just what the doctor ordered.  The only problem is, is now I'm bored out of my skull and wishing I had some of the ingenuity and autonomy that I had in my last position (minus the craziness).   There's no creativity happening here at this job, and believe me: I've had a year to create something meaningful and it's just not happening.  So I am now feeling more than a little stuck.  The job market isn't exactly overflowing with a need for a good seasoned EA right now, and employers are low-balling.  So I won't just jump ship because that doesn't financially support me either.  So here I sit, day after day, wondering what to do, when it'll get better, and how I can find inspiration in my life again.  The truth is that I've left it all behind when I stopped writing.  A job is a job is a job.  It may always be just a job.  But to get to moments where I feel the spark has almost completely died out?  Is it worth it? 

So I'm going to write again, and I'm not sure about what I will write about since, in my opinion, life feels so drab and meaningless.  What I know is that behind it all I've been doing a ton of healing and continued on in my self-discovery, and maybe this slow job of mine is actually just another opportunity for me to have time to get clear with myself.  Well, okay, but I'd still like to be a little more excited about coming to work every day!  It's not too much to ask for, is it??  The hours are long here. It sucks the life blood out of me.  I keep on trying and I keep on trying to stay positive.  Now I'm going to write while at work and I think this could actually help me out.  Some say that you have to find what you love and just make it into a job.  This isn't my reality unfortunately.  I spend the majority of my after work hours becoming myself.  Here at the office I'm being absorbed by the panels of my cubicle, I'm melting like a candle.  On the weekends I light up again and become healthy.  After a year of watching this cycle, watching the pace and bureaucracy, I'm almost accepting of it (I'm still a bit rebellious - I'm an Aquarian afterall), and taking what good I can out of it.  What's the good, you ask?  Well, I have a job that actually is paying me not too badly (considering some of the job opportunities out there I'm seeing are wayyyyy below where any single woman can possibly support herself in this city).  I'm taking my  lunchhours and going to the gym where I continue to get my ass kicked.  I come out feeling strong, happy that I've given myself that time for myself in the middle of a day that seems to be all about giving myself to the corporate bullshit.  There is a silver lining in everything even though I can clearly see the grey underside and am becoming quite outspoken and judicious about it all.  Pessimistic isn't exactly the word I would use to describe my mentality about my job.  I'd say that my view is very reasonable considering I've had a year to figure out this place.  But I'd say I'm quite discerning, discriminating even.  Not much goes unseen by me.  And I'm quiet enough here to watch, to learn how things are being done.  I see the BS and I call a spade a spade.  I am in some ways more outspoken than ever before, and at the same time I am more quiet, patient, observant. 

So writing is going to come back to me.  I never meant to push it away.  I have no more excuses, no one to blame but myself.  This morning I was watching a friend's video (Kia Park) on how to create creativity and keep the spark alive within yourself - finding that blissful state and letting it resonate in everything you do.  For example, Kia dances each and every day.  I thought to myself: that is definitely something I can relate to.  So writing, dancing every now and then (and hard), and tapping into my psychic sixth sense are a handful of the things in my life that have great meaning and that are becoming almost ALL I'm about.  I'm not about my job.  My job pays me so that I can do the things that I like and that's all.  There is no spiritual or creative bonus to my work.  I am here for now because I need to be and when the next best thing comes along I'll go with it.  I have decided that spirituality, music, writing, travel, sunshine are the key components that my spirit requires.  And I'm going to give myself all the fuel I can get.  I won't hold back, and I won't apologize to anyone for my needs.  They are the only things that give me meaning and strength and help me feel my center again, my Self.  I am happiest when I am following that creativity, so why not just follow it and forget about the realities of my day job?  Do what I have to do (my day job), but remember who I am (the sunshiny, spirit dancer).  That is where I've come to.

It is Thursday and I've just finished listening to Markus Schulz's Global DJ Broadcast on DI.FM, and now I'm listening to Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show.  When I hear this high quality trance ringing through my ears while I'm sitting writing at my desk, I feel a connection being made with every cell in my body.  And when that connection happens, a vibration goes out and into the ethers, making the world a good place again.  I feel like this music was put on the planet specifically just to help me remember the Happy Light.  You all know what I'm talking about - we tap into that same light in whatever way we need to.  For me, it's the music.  Combine it with writing, sunshine, lots of exercise and fresh air... I think I've almost got it straight.

The only meaning in life is to find your own melody, that thing that gives you energy; the thing that you know is your truth at the deepest part of your core.  It's not about how many certifications you can get, diplomas, and initials after your name. it sure isn't about how much money you have in your bank account, how many cars or properties you own (because really you never do really truly "own" any of that).  I don't feel at all compelled to go and learn something new just so I can add it to my resume and continue doing more of what I'm already doing.  Unless it calls to my spirit and feels like it's authentic and good for me on other levels other than "business" or "career", then I'm not going to do it.  For me there has ceased to be any practicality in that line of thinking anymore.  My practicality is now starting to be found in the way I conduct my own life, what energies I'm following, what path.  It's not about going full out to support everyone else in their endeavours every single day, or being there 100% for everyone else in my life.  It's not about following a corporate mentality or climbing a ladder and looking for enlightenment in working for someone else (a Board of Directors?). It's about being there 100% for yourself first, and letting everything else fall into place second if it has to, third maybe even.  I know it sounds contrary to what I'm actually doing but that's because I'm playing the game like everyone else, but I'm making it work for me personally, uniquely.  I will play the game for as long as I need to, and yes maybe it will mean letting someone else pay me a salary every two weeks.  Right now that is actually fulfilling the larger part of my life and my journey, and I do need that too.  I will give them my time as long as I need to, who knows maybe I'll work for someone else for the rest of my life even?  But I won't give them my soul any longer.  My life is only about Me and my journey, and that's all it ever was about. When I made it about someone else or about something else, I fell off my my path and things started to go wrong.  I've at least learned that much in this last year.  So I'll use whatever tools I have to keep on my own track.  For now if it means I'll be writing to you from my desk  behind a cubicle wall in a dreary engineering firm, then sobeit.  One day I will find my desk in a sunny, south facing airy room with the fresh breeze blowing through it.  For now, I'll certainly accept this.

If you're doing what you really like to be doing then there is good to come from it.  So play the trance music - let me feel it vibrate through my body and put a smile on my face, and then watch how the good vibes radiate back out towards everyone.  And then also give me time to feel, to be really honest about things, and to write about those things. 

Well well, what do you know?  Here it all is on a silver platter.  I'll take that, thanks very much.  :)

Charleen xo

Thrown Off Course

I'd like to start this post by personally thanking and recognizing Armin van Buuren for bringing 30,000 people together in one time and space to share one cosmic vibe.  It was spiritual, and it is evidence of a serious dialing-in in consciousness.  Thank you, Armin van Buuren. http://www.astateoftrance.com/

Last week I took a trip to The Netherlands to attend Armin van Buuren's "A State of Trance 550" in Den Bosch.  As this was such a huge event, I had planned the trip some time ago with my friend Edwin, who I met in Ibiza at the "Be At Space Closing Party" last September.  It was meant to be a very fast-paced yet well organized trip.  I left on a Thursday eve and came back on a Tuesday eve.  To say I'm still recovering would be an understatement.  Yet it's not just plain old jetlag that is zapping my energy.  It feels like something's happened; something deep and new and almost at a cellular level.  I know it sounds strange but I can't think of any other way to describe it.

What is it exactly that's caused this deep change within me?  Was it just because I so desperately needed to get out of the negative work environment I've been in ever since taking this new job last September?  Was it just the feeling of relief to get out of the country and away from everyone that has been affecting me?  It's true that I've not been myself for the last several months, yet I can't say that this is the full reason for what feels like a huge shift inside of me.

Was it the music and the lights that carried me away to another galaxy, another realm?  It is true that spending 8 or 9 hours in that type of an atmosphere, along with 30,000 other like-minded people, can make you feel like your mind is being blown apart, opened.  But suggesting that the music is the entire reason for my change would be a total exaggeration.

Could it have been all the amazing, spiritual, open-minded, and loving people I met?  To me, Edwin's friends seem like they come from the same star.  How long have I been searching for them??  They all received me so well and told me that they understood me the instant we met.  I felt flattered but more than that, I felt truly accepted, like I was finally at home with my people.  That alone will shake the very ground you walk on when you return to your own country and into a life that no longer seems to represent you in any way, shape or form.  These people made me question my friendships back home on planet Canada.  What does it mean to be a friend?  And what types of people should I be surrounding myself with?

Was it simply just remembering what it felt like to be free and on vacation?  Roaming the streets of London in the warm spring sunshine, cruising down a highway in Holland while listening to loud trance music, or spending three full days hanging out in continuous Dutch conversation?  This for sure is a big part of who I am; me being the fairy, butterfly, and freedom seeker.  Heck, I even started to understand Dutch this time around!  I have always been curious about people, cultures, and languages.  But no.  This is not quite the answer to my confusion either. 

Was it the love and acceptance I felt while I was there? A girl loves to be adored, and looked upon as mysterious and sexy.  With plenty of hunky men around to dance and sing with during the event, it's only natural for a gal to feel thrilled.  Even though I feel this way every time I go back to Holland, can I really say it's about that??  Or was it just that they were simply mirrored back to themselves through my eyes? 
Maybe it's maybe all of the above. But whatever the single answer is for my current state-of-mind, I know it is a loud, booming call for a change on almost all levels of my life.  Everything has to change - my work, my friends, my actions, my thoughts, my directions, possibly my home... my entire life.  And as I sit here this long Easter weekend knowing this truth from the deepest part of my Self, waves of tears and emotions run through me and keep me inside my little apartment and away from people for the most part.  I have been letting myself cry and then letting myself sleep whenever I need to.  I've also somehow, just by simply holding a space for patience and respect for whatever it is I'm going through, managed to do the spring cleaning of my little home here in South Granville.  The patio is swept and debris free, the tarp is off the table and the bench cushions are airing out.  Cobwebs have been swept from the corners of my 10 foot ceilings and all the windows, inside and out, have been cleaned.  I've done three loads of laundry and some hand-washing, which is a lot for one single gal.  Spring cleaning is a bit of a cliche, I know, but it does feel like there is something going on - a rebirth almost.  I've gone out for a long bike ride and felt the warm burn in my quads as I climbed Birch Street towards 15th Avenue.  I've allowed myself a couple of siestas and let myself get to bed early each night.  Each morning when I wake up I feel quieted by the knowledge that something big is going to have to go down in order for me to get to who I'm really supposed to be.  It has been a weekend full of humility and emotion; a weekend where I've felt everything from shame to grief, to anger and then acceptance, from fear to courage, to clarity.  I've looked over the videos and photos I took on my journey overseas and I laughed outloud, giggled at parts, and at some places I felt butterflies in my stomach all over again.  After I've finished uploading everything onto my Facebook page, the tears start falling again.  I miss my friends.  Why the hell do I have to live so far away??  Why do I have to live here at all?  I know all these feelings are not just my imagination; I have changed, and to me it's so deep that it feels like all my cells have been shaken loose of old dust and build-up, and I am more clear now than ever before.  Kindof like sweeping the cobwebs from the corners of my apartment.  I just can't explain it anymore than this.  It just is.  I am different.

While I've been mostly expecting to have received a job offer from a company in Calgary with whom I flew out to interview with in March, I am starting to get the feeling that an offer won't be coming any time soon from them.  The thing is that I've already prepared myself to leave and I don't think I can stop myself now.  I guess maybe this was the push I needed to open my mind to receiving any other experience that comes in.  I guess everything really is for a reason.  I'm ready for a move.  Let it be, let it happen. 

My family most likely aren't able to understand the depths of my emotions at this time in my life, and I wonder if they ever really have.  They sure don't understand me gallivanting across the Atlantic to attend a "trance" event - to them that seems impractical in a big way.  To me that I have fewer and fewer friends with whom I can truly share my experiences with.  Well, I guess I'm having myself a bit of a pity party and I've been feeling alone this weekend.  If it weren't for the constant companionship of my good friend and confidant, Malcolm, then I don't know how I would have gotten through it.  Although Malcolm and I have had our share of ups and downs, he is proving to be my most stead-fast friend.  He is an Aries and so is very good at being in the moment, although he certainly can't plan for the future very well.  I do just the opposite.  So he is helping me to slow down my thoughts, to not jump too fast to conclusions, and to give myself more patience during this changing time.  Soon my job will come to an end as the position is being moved to Toronto and restructured in a major way.  Of course the news of this pisses me off, but my part in all of this is that I said yes in the first place and when I already had another job offer on the table from a reputable firm.  So what have I learned?  Can someone tell me please?  I imagine I will figure it out sooner or later.  I am annoyed, but relieved.  And I am also now in a harder spot - I will be out of a job in a very short time.  I know changing times are on my door step.  I am scared, but I also feel it's high time.

You know, in many ways I feel like I'm re-visiting something here.  Revisiting some old lessons or some old habits.  I guess I thought I'd cleared it all away but it turns out that I have some hard studying to do yet.  The lessons never end, it seems.  I've been thrown off course in a big way and I feel like the only thing that I can do to help myself is to remain quiet, humble, and open to anything.  I need to also question myself: was I ever on course to begin with? 

In the weeks ahead I will remember the friends I've met in Holland and the music and the lights and the happiness that came with it, and I hope that all of that will give me strength.  I will remember what they said when they first met me: "You are so BIG!  Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not!"  When I think of them, I see only bright light.  I'm certain these Bright Beings were put here on this planet to give me courage.  I'm thankful, because I'm going to need it. 

Bring it on.

Charleen xo

Grateful for Girlfriends

I've had a busy afternoon getting my hair coloured and doing groceries, and get home around 4:30 p.m.  On the way home I had also stopped in at Leigh's new place on Lonsdale to pick up a bag of organic apples that I order from her distributor every two weeks.  Leigh is my best friend, I've known her since we were both in junior high.  There's not a lot that I can hide from her, she instinctively knows if anything's going on with me.  She gave me a quick update on her current social and emotional state, and then I gave her mine.  It's funny, but it felt like just being in the room together for a few short minutes made us feel both better.  The healing energy of friendship works almost instantly.  We kissed one another on both cheeks and then I was off across the north shore and back over the Second Narrows Bridge in the late Saturday afternoon traffic.  Traffic is always insane on Saturdays, and after a busy day I always feel so relieved to get back to the comfort and warmth of my own home.

One of the more recent pictures of Leigh and I, taken on BC Ferries a couple of months ago

I was starving when I got in so quickly whipped up some tuna with eggless mayo and dill pickles, and pulled out a box of rice crackers.  After devouring it while simultaneously checking my email, I laid down on my comfy memory foam bed, in the clean sheets that I'd just washed this morning, and had a delicious siesta full of good feeling, colourful, playful dreams . Total relaxation at last!  I absolutely adore afternoon siestas.

An hour later, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I stretched luxuriously in my warm covers, and then jumped out of bed ready to tackle the rest of the days' challenges: I had plans to bake a cherry pie!  Yup, my first cherry pie ever!  Last summer I spent a lot of time in the Okanagan and got carried away by all the "Cherries for Sale" signs along the road.  I remember purchasing my very own cherry pitter and telling myself that the loads of cherries I was purchasing were going to taste sooooo goooood in the middle of winter. So now the big day had finally come!  The timing was right.  I was ready!

Donna V and me out in Toronto, June 2011

Right before I started in on the task, I got onto my computer and skyped Donna V in Toronto.  Being 3 hours ahead, she was already in full Saturday night relaxation mode!  We chatted briefly about what we'd been up to since our weekend began - she had spent Friday eve decorating her apartment and sipping red wine, while I had met Deb, an old co-worker friend of mine, for drinks and appies at the lounge at the Hotel Georgia, something that we've both enjoyed doing together for the last couple months or so.  Then Donna and I quickly briefed one another on what our prospective Sundays would look like - she has plans to watch a DVD or two, and then maybe do a bit of studying, and I have plans to do nothing but go at my own pace, and I plan on enjoying my quiet time thoroughly.  Heck, maybe I'll get to an Ashtanga yoga class, who knows?  We threw a few inside jokes into the conversation, a giggle or three, and then we hung up.  Donna is the girlfriend who I BBM every morning during the weekdays, and usually we BBM into the afternoon too.  We keep in constant communication with one another and are one another's moral support during our stressful work week.

Picture of Deb and I taken recently at Coast - another fairy to get into trouble with!  Love it!

The pastry was already rolled, so it was just a matter of measuring out the right ingredients, adding my thawed bag of Okanagan cherries, and then watching it thicken on the stove.  I tasted it the entire way through, concered about my cherry pie baking abilities.  Mmmm, the yummy, thick red, syrupy concoction was divine, and I smiled to myself as I poured it into the home-made crust, topped it with another crust, pinched the sides together and poked some slits in the top, and finally popped it into the oven. 

Of course my faaavourite TV show, Sex and The City, is playing its regular Saturday night, 3-hour marathon which started at 7:00 p.m., so this eve I've been flowing between the kitchen and the living room for the past three hours, it now being 10:00 p.m.  I even poured myself a glass of sherry, and have had the time to leisurely pan fry some chicken, and then threw it into the oven with a bunch of chopped root vegetables all mixed with rosemary, garlic, lemon juice and olive oil.  And mmm: salt.

I love salt, especially when it's mixed with fresh lemon juice.  I admit it.  :)

Pennie and me out on an impromptu date last weekend at Coast.  Ain't she gawgeous?

But the multi-tasking doesn't stop there, oh no.  While everything else is going on, Pennie and I have been texting one another all evening long as she's also enjoying the Sex and The City Saturday night marathon.  Pennie and I went out for an impromptu evening together last Saturday night and had a really great time.  It was one of those occasions that was completely unplanned until about 4:30 last Saturday afternoon, so there weren't the same expectations or visions that one anticipates when there's a planned event coming up.  We had delighted in getting dressed up and doing our makeup a little heavier, and both of us love the vibe and the people watching components of a Saturday night downtown.  Throughout the night we laughed out loud and didn't care who heard us, caused a stir by flirting with every hunky man that walked by our seats (there were lots of them!), chatted about everything under the sun, ate some delicious food and drank probably a little too much.  We had started at Coast and then went on to Black & Blue, and then finally hailed a cab and went down to Granville Street where we payed a horrendous $18 just to get into Barcelona Ultra Lounge to go dancing.  We didn't care - it was worth it!  Pennie is a friend who I've known about 10 years now, and part of the original gaggle of geese I used to party with back in the day.  She is now a mother and a wife, and a very responsible school teacher who lives in Richmond.  Ahem!  I am so glad we were both available for a last minute "Girls Night Out".  So tonight we have been giggling via text with one another, making comments about the show, and I can almost hear her joyful voice as if she was sitting beside me all over again.

A recent pic of Maggie (right) and me, and her friend Lynda when we were all out

at DIGWEED, December 30, 2011.  Great show!

Of course Saturday night just isn't complete without reaching out to my good buddy, Maggie.  It was absolutely mandatory to find the time to catch up this eve!  Maggie is now living in New West in her new apartment overlooking the river, while here I sit at home in South Granville.  We know one another well enough that I can totally picture her poking around her new home and lounging with her cat, Manolo, who to me seems more like a brother than a cat! Truly. She has her family there with her. We are both feeling the safety and warmth of our own homes tonight, us single gals.  Maggie spent the day up at Whistler where she said the winds were strong and the temperature was cold, but the snow was amazing!  She had a super day, and even connected for a couple runs with Yota.  Yota I rarely get to see anymore, but when Maggie tells me about their day together I feel like I was there alongside of them.  I feel my heart strings reaching out to Yota and a grin breaks out across my face.  It's funny but true: it's not easy to always meet with someone in person, but at least friends keep us connected to our other friends.  Maggie is one of the only remaining friends I have (besides Donna and Deb) who is boyfriendless/husbandless and/or childless.  But now that she lives in New West, and especially since we're both so busy both with our jobs and extra-curricular activities, we usually have to "plan"to see one another.  Maggie is always so cheerful and ready to go especially when it comes to dancing (we both love trance).  So tonight we briefly catch up and she makes me laugh while we discuss possible summer plans together. 

Now it's 10:15 pm and my baked chicken dinner is almost ready.  After that I'll slice myself a piece of my cherry pie which I plan on slathering with whipping cream.  And why not? 

If I feel up to it I'll watch a movie.  The candles in my living room have burned down quite a ways now, and I'm going to replenish the tea lights that I lit a few hours ago.  Maybe I'll do my nails at the same time, maybe I'll just simply laze with my big red, fuzzy blanket on my big, while fluffy couch.  I don't know yet. But whatever it is it's going to feel good, just like the entire day has.  This is the interlocking of my Aquarius Sun and my Taurus Rising.  This is a little slice of heaven.

My thoughts can't help but drift all the way south to Las Vegas, NV, where my very good friend, Hilary, is currently celebrating her 40th birthday.  I wish I could be with her.  I hope you're have a completely debauched time, Hil!

The most recent picture I have of Hilary (left) taken with Leigh and I in North Van this past month.  The three of us used to be inseparable before husbands and kids, etc etc.

This evening it occurs to me that my girlfriends and I have kindof come full circle.  There was a time not too long ago where I couldn't handle too much girlfriend time and wanted only to be left alone.  Now once again I feel like I have friends all around me.  It's different than before, it's a deeper, richer friendship that I'm experiencing with them.  Honestly there are still some days where I can feel blue - of course there are times where I sometimes still wished I had children, or someone to come home to.  But tonight I have to say that I feel lucky for treating myself so well and for giving myself space and time to spoil myself, but also because it is obvious that I'm not at all alone.  I've got a nice group of friends who I love and who love me. 

It's true that people come and go in our lives.  Some people leave and then come back later, others were never meant to stay long but new people come in and take their place.  We are all following our own paths, and none of us have been immune from learning some hard lessons.  But then once in a while, especially if we still have more to learn from one another, we merge back onto the same road.  On a rainy evening in January when it would seem I am alone, the reality is that I am completely surrounded by loving people.  Tonight my home is warm not just because I've cranked that thermostat, but because of all the love that my friends have given me.

Way back in the day women were respected for their ability to create magic and speak with their thoughts.  Tonight I was reminded about the magic of love.  I heard your thoughts, I felt them.  And lots of good vibes and love coming right back atchooz, chicas!

 

yum

Love, Charleen xo

Moving On

I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the comfort of your embrace.

I shall miss the loneliness of waiting for your calls that never came.

I shall miss the joy of our comings, and pain of your goings.

And, after a time, I shall miss

missing loving you.

For the Love of Christmas

December 11.  It's the time of year when people start acting jolly and fun-loving, and they start laughing and smiling more too.  The "spirit" of Christmas is still alive and well, and here in Vancouver it's a nice change from the gloominess we usually carry around with us.  Everyone puts their Christmas lights up and some street blocks even compete against their neighbours to see who can put the prettiest display around their homes and yards.  Heck, I even caught myself humming a carol yesterday.  "The First Noel", I think it was.  And then I caught myself chuckling.

Today the skies are blue and the traffic is heavy - lots of rushing about is being done.  'Tis the season.  Myself, I have decided this year to have a non-commercial Christmas, and I have to say that I am feeling far less stressed and pressed for time because of it.  I still have the Christmas spirit though, I'm happy to report.  It is a nice time of year!  And you don't have to run out and spend a lot of money just to enjoy it! 

Some would say that Christmas makes you feel so much goodness and love for everyone around you, that you might be more inclined to think about deeper things, such as the friends that really do mean a lot to you and who you haven't reached out to in awhile.   Such as love, and forgiving the one you love.  Such as the family you remember all sitting around the fire together on a chilly winter's night, everyone in their pajamas, munching on Christmas treats and singing Christmas carols in harmony while their dad plays the guitar.  Or maybe even deeper and warmer than that?  And for some reason, no matter how deep I get with my thoughts, I am always brought back to that gentle feeling of love. Even though winter solstice is upon us and the days are much shorter now, it is a "feel good" time of year. 

So here I am on this sunny afternoon, sitting at home with my herbal tea and a candle, and my laptop finally back home and working again (fingers crossed!).  On a day like today I should be taking advantage of the beautiful weather.  But I've decided to stay inside for a while longer and contemplate some of those deeper things, and to give thanks for them.  Life is so god-damned beautiful, and it's all the imperfections that make it so beautiful.  Today I have to be honest with myself and with you.  I am thinking about my past relationship and the person in it, and I'm remembering lots of good things.  I am thinking that there was love there.  And because I'm sitting here thinking about it, I'm feeling it now too, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude, sadness, and wonder at the life that the combination of two people creates.  How this unique combination can make a certain type of magic happen, which then triggers events that give you an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop on a personal level, and which sometimes reaches out to the entire globe.  The energy of those lessons spreads out, just the way love does.  It is a wonderful, crazy thing; relationships.  For me, that relationship helped me to grow into the woman that I am today.  I am not so young anymore, but my eyes still sparkle like a child's does, and I still like pulling on people's legs just to get a laugh out of them like I did when I was a kid.  But I am much wiser, deeper, and not so superficial.  Without having had the relationship I had with that one person, I would never be where I am today.  I realize that there is no way I could have become who I am now without his influence in my life.  Three years ago who was I?  I was a woman going down the wrong path, that's who I was!  Heck, maybe we will always wander down paths, check out angles and use it as a way to try to get to know ourselves.  I do know that we are always growing and changing so that first part must also be true.  But I know that the person who I was starting to become was someone who had fallen off her path, and I was very unhappy because of it.  I thought I was so happy, but looking back I see clearly that I wasn't. 

Am I happy now?  Heck, naw.  I don't know if one can be happy every single day of their life.  How would you learn, and from what would you have to compare life to if things were always the same, same mood, same energy every single day?  But am I starting to be happier more often than not?  Am I pretty impressed with the person I've become?  Can I honestly say that I like myself ?  I full-heartedly answer YES to all of those questions.  I think I'm a pretty cool cat, and I like what I have to offer the world.  I see my unique qualities as of much as a gift as someone else's.  I'm starting to understand the real meaning of mirroring, self-projection, ego, and how they can affect a relationship with someone...and to be honest I'm not sure I would have gotten this far on this type of work had I stayed on in the relationship, on that path, with that person.  So then it was that very relationship that brought me to where I am today, and which really forced me (the hard way) to learn some wonderful lessons.

It feels like there is alway a price to pay for things.  Have I obtained any of this information easily?  Was it just some natural "talent" that allowed me to access this worldly wisdom?  No friggin' way.  I have had to work darn hard to get here, and I am still working darn hard at it.  Whenever you peel back a layer you can bet you'll find another one under it.  It's just the way it is.  But right now I look around and I can see my hard work paying off in all sorts of ways and with all sorts of people.  It's a pretty far out existence when you can bump into someone and automatically understand the lesson, or the gift, that that person has brought to the world and into my life.  Sometimes relationships only last a few minutes, sometimes they last a few years.

And so this afternoon after a very brief exchange with the person I shared that relationship with, and a rendez-vous with that part of my past, I have come back home to sit and contemplate it, and to let the tears flow.  Because I know there was love.  And I know there still is love.  And I have to say: it's just all so god-damned beautiful.

So here's to it! 
Merry Christmas,
Charleen xo

Negative November

... not that I like to be negative, mind you.

The grey skies and cold weather have set in.  The other day we had our first snowfall, which, of course like any first snowfall in Vancouver, melted by the afternoon.  Melted or not, I am seriously unimpressed with Mother Nature.  My parents said it went down to -20 in Cranbrook, way over in the south east corner of our province, but now it's expected to warm up again to "normal" by mid week!  That seems kinda crazy to me and I think the weather is increasingly unpredictable these days.  My Dad assures me that the weather man is pretty bang on, and that really only a certain amount can be predicted accurately anyways.  Hmph.

Cold weather aside, it's the constant grey skies that I struggle with.  As I've gotten older this struggle has intensified to the point that I'm seriously wondering how I'm going to get through this winter.  And it's only November!

I had my annual psychic and tarot card reading last weekend and, as usual, she was bang on about me.  Here I thought I was hiding my negative frame of mind so well!  She has reminded me to try to be objective about my position in life, my position on this planet.  She did see that I'm generally a very nurturing and caring person, but that I tend to get "moody" and can spend too much time mucking around in the duldrums.  Shoot!  How'd she get that so right?!  At this time of year especially, I admit that I seem to be consciously forcing negative thoughts away more often than usual, and that it seems like it's a race to some unseen finish line and the blues are winning!  Fortunately I still have a handful of very good friends who I can bounce my self-defeating perceptions off of, and who set me straight right away.  Really I know that life isn't that bad at all.  If I had to admit even more, well then, I guess I have to admit that I think I'm probably a little depressed.

Tired of fighting the negative ghosts, I've taken the day off work to let myself sleep longer, to contemplate my position in life, and to consider alternative ways of keeping myself from going so low.  Where am I?  What am I?  How will I get to where I'd like to go?  Someone said once that there is no "trying"; there is only "doing" or "not doing".  Sheesh, that's harsh.  But I also think it's true, and I have to accept that I'm creating my reality in life and I'm probably making it out to be a lot worse than it is.  Does anyone else wonder what will happen to them in their old age? Who will look after them? Where will the money come from to look after myself in my later years?  Never mind my later years, what about right now?  How come it always seems like such a financial struggle in this city?  Is it me??  These types of thoughts and many more similar to them have been making me clench my jaw tight while I sleep (now where's my mouth guard when I need it?), and jolting me awake at night, panic-stricken.  How many nights is it now that I've laid awake for three hours at a time, breathing shallowly?  Gawd.  More of a reason to stay away from the office today and work this out, I say.

Thankfully, writing in my blog usually helps.  :)

Ahhh, wouldn't life be great if I was a stable (and maybe slightly boring) Capricorn or Taurus?  Wouldn't it be nice to be so insensitive to everything and not be so deep about it all?  Sometimes I think it would be very nice to be someone else.  I think we all think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but the real truth is that it very rarely is.  If my sensitivity allows me to explore life in a deeper way then I accept that.  My task in life now is to learn to manage these winter blues a little better, to watch my spoken word both about my own life and other people's lives, and to continue to choose positive thoughts.  If I'm going to be a grump then that's okay too, but I am going to stay away from people if that's the way I'm feeling because no one else needs to listen to my moody blues.  I know that the more I can do this, then the less I will ask others for their acceptance of me, and the more I will love and accept myself.  The more I love and accept myself, the better I can be for those around me who maybe are also feeling overwhelmed with life and fighting the dark days of winter.  And in this way, even though I know it sounds so simple, I think I can be of service to our planet and to human life.  I think I'm speaking not only for myself but for anyone who suffers from weather inflicted depression here, and all you can do is put one little foot in front of the other. Slowly but surely.

On top of the shorter, darker days, I've recently discovered that I have a sensitivity to gluten.  Yup, that's right.  No more french baguettes for this girl.  I think my body has been telling me to knock it off for quite a long time but only recently when I got back from Spain did my body start to really show some aggressive signs that it was fed up with my bad behavior!  And let me be honest here: if it wasn't for vanity I probably would just keep on going.  Alas, my face breaks out and looks like I have the measles if I don't watch what I eat, and all my clothes threaten to burst their buttons if I gain one more pound!  With those very obvious facts staring me right in the face and in the mirror each morning, I bit the bullet and did the Wild Rose Herbal Detox.  You know it really wasn't that difficult or uncomfortable, but I have to warn you that one needs to be organized and prepared to eat without wheat or yeast for 12 days (not to mention without dairy, sugar, booze of any kind, and certain types of fruits too).  I'd be lying if I told you that it doesn't bother me to not be able to simply step out and buy a yummy sandwich for lunch, because it definitely is an adjustment.  Living gluten-free definitely forces you to think ahead, plan, cook more and spend more time in your kitchen.  A difficult feat for this un-domestic chica, but not impossible!  So for the last few weeks I've been educating myself with researching all the gluten-free options I can find including on-line recipes, blogs, and shopping at specialty stores that provide for this change in lifestyle.  There are tons of alternatives out there and lots to choose from if you're looking for breads without yeast or wheat in them.  It seems that lots of people are starting to turn towards gluten-free living.  As a matter of fact, I believe that probably 90% of us have sensitivities to the foods we indulge in, but we ignore these signs and/or think they are normal.  What's the outcome for me in this change in diet?  My face has cleared up, I am far less bloated than I was (I even lost 3 lbs!), my clothes fit again (albeit still a little tight for my liking - nothing that stepping up my exercise and aerobic activity can't cure!), and I feel like I have more energy and fewer mood swings that used to be caused by sugar.  12 days is all it takes to set you straight with the Wild Rose cleanse, but for me I've decided to continue on the same eating plan as much as I can.  I've cleared out all the wheat and yeast products from my cupboards and fridge, folks!  Please don't tempt me with your delicious cooking unless it's made without wheat products and sauces, thank you very much!!

Check this blog out for more information:

www.glutenfree-vancouver.com

My body and lifestyle habits are changing, and I should be very proud of myself for facing the music.  I am, just not as much as I should be.  Today I am still struggling with my position in life and looking too much over the other side of the fence.  Are we all dealing with the change of the forces on the planet, or is it really just me?  What can I do differently to help me live my life more fully?  Sheesh.  I find these types of questions to be incredibly sobering and tiring, but I am going to continue to work on digging my way out of fear-based thoughts and into lighter, happier thoughts about life and my future. 

As always I have to finish this post by affirming and stating my gratitude for the things that I certainly know are gifts: for the freedom and liberation that my bachelorette, Canadian lifestyle affords me.  For the loving arms of friends who continue to let me lean on them every now and for whom I can reciprocate that same strength back to.  For my quiet cozy home in South Granville and the ability to live in a city that gives me options for nutrition and for starting a new way of life.  For running, spinning, and warm yoga classes, and for my two strong legs that remind me that I am alive and well.  For the 2-month old "new" full-time job that is allowing me to grow professionally and personally.  And even for the less obvious things like my Dad's laughter on the other end of the telephone, and for the happy thoughts that imagining my young niece and nephew playing in their home up on Denny Island, BC, bring to me.  I'm going to keep these and many other blessings at the forefront of my mind as the days get darker and the weather gets colder.  And you know what else might help?  Treating myself to a night out, maybe this Friday even.  :)

Hold onto your toques people, it's going to be a long winter.

Love, Charleen xo 

Something Knew

I can't say exactly why, but I didn't feel as excited as I thought I would have been knowing that I was on my way back to Ibiza.  After all that day dreaming that I did about the place on an almost daily basis back in Vancouver, one would have thought I would have been way more excited as I boarded the plane with Alok.  Ibiza is Alok's home and so he was excited to be getting back to his life there.  I, on the other hand, was starting to realize that I didn't know exactly why I was going back to Ibiza.  I checked in with myself.  "Is it because of the parties?"  No, that's not the reason.  Even though the night clubs and the music (and therefore the parties) have always been a fun aspect to the island, I'd always maintained that one of the nicest times to be on Ibiza is when the night clubs have all closed, and there is a more relaxed and quiet feel to the island. 

Was is the endless variety of beaches, each with a different essence, and the warm, clear blue Mediterranean?  Well, if it was only about that then I guess I could have stayed in Barcelona for two weeks, couldn't I have?  Or I could have gone to any other number of places along the coast of Spain for that matter.

Was it the fabulous shopping and the cutting-edge fashions that seem to always start right there in Ibiza and then branch out into the rest of Spain, Europe, and maybe a couple of years later, Canada?

Or maybe it was those cute little restaurants and beach bars like no other place on the planet, all serving fresh seafood, and cold, fruity cocktails?  Perhaps it was the sunset, and the famous west-coast cafe's (like Cafe Del Mar or Cafe Mambo) where the entire island seemed to gather during the last hours of the day, everyone applauding the sun as it dips and dissolves beyond the horizon?  What was it that was really dragging me there?

As soon as the wheels of our Iberian Airlines flight touched down, I realized that going to Ibiza on my own, this time, had nothing to do with all those things that I love about the island.  With a sinking feeling, I realized it had everything to do with the memories of the times when I had travelled there several times with my ex.  It had everything to do with memories.  As I smelled the familiar, unique scents of the island - the salty sea air mixed with sage brush and sun-baked Balearic grass - my stomach dropped.  I realized that I was going to have a tough time here over the next four days, no matter how great all of the above were, if I didn't work this one little kink out of my reality and quick!

A planted a kiss on both of Alok's cheeks and off he went to his continue his life, his own path.  Me though, I continued to look for signs that suggested that I should not have come.  Like for instance, I knew that if my suitcase had gotten lost then I definitely shouldn't be there.  No luck with that one - my luggage appeared as rapidly and seamlessly as it had on all my other flights across the Atlantic and around the country.  Hmmm.  "Okay, I've got it!" I thought.  If I have difficulty at the car rental agency, then I will definitely KNOW FOR SURE that I shouldn't be here!  Alas, five minutes after arriving at the meeting point specifically detailed in my car rental voucher, along came the shuttle van to take me to the rental agency which was adjacent to the airport on the other side of the highway.  I was really searching for a quick answer to my gut feelings, trying hard to compartamentalize the nagging problem so I could just get on with having a good time and really start getting exciting about being back in a place that I had dreamt about every night.  Maybe it was the humidity? Yes, that's it, the humidity is making me feel all off!  It was about 30 degrees in Ibiza, but with the humidity it somehow made it feel hotter and harder to handle than 43 degrees in Sevilla.  Oh, I so just wanted to blame it on the humidity!

But I couldn't.  As soon as I got to my hotel (which wasn't completely ready for me when I got there... Oh!  It's a sign!), and layed down in the simple but cozy apartment I would call home for 4 nights, the cute little place on the west coast of the island that had views of the blue Mediterranean sparkling up at me and should have made anyone smile, and I rolled myself into a tight ball on my bed and had myself a good cry.   I chastised myself, wondering when I was ever going to get over the memories of the fun times I used to have when I visited the island, con espouso.  Well damnit, I'd come this far after all this time, and I was damned if I was going to let those old visions of my married life, and all the pain that came afterwards, ruin my trip!  No way! I kicked the bed and pounded the pillows!  Then I stepped into the ring and fought that demon right there on the spot I did!  That demon had me in a good head lock and was threatening to choke the life out of me when I made a lightning decision to tackle it, flip it on it's back, and beat the crap out of it myself instead!!  Well, at least I was able to get it into a position where I could tie it up in a ball and shove it back in the closet where it came from!  You are not ruining my trip here, damn demon!  So there!

And with that little inner quarrel out of the way, I jumped back into my little 6-speed, two door, Alfa Romeo, and took a long drive around the island, getting familiarized with the energy there again, the roads, the exits, the ronda's, and all the sights.  I was actually quite amazed to realize how second-nature the place was to me.  Almost like I'd never left.

Me and my Alfa Romeo

such an effin' cool car

My friend Ries from Holland, who you will all remember, at the last minute was able to re-arrange his work week to meet me on the island, and his flight was coming in at midnight.  I was really happy to see him again and excited that we were going to be taking in the Tiesto Closing Party at Privilege the next night!  Ries was dressed wayyyy too warmly when he got off the plane, and happilly stuffed his scarf and jacket away in his carry-on luggage, and unrolled the windows of the Alfa Romeo, taking in the the essence of the island as we drove back towards the west coast.

Ries was going to have only one day on the island, and so I knew I had to choose our activities well.  One thing about Ries will never change: the very first and most important thing for the day is to find a good cafe solo!  As we sat sipping our cafes, we giggled and gossiped and got caught up on all that had gone in one another's lives since the last time we'd seen one another - dinner in Amsterdam back in February, remember?  I told him about the things that I thought he should experience while he was here on the island, and ran the day's itinerary by him.  Luckily a good majority of the day involved beach time and sunshine, and he was game for that!  I took him to one of my very favourite beaches on the west coast of the island, Cala Carbo, where we rented two hamakas and a parasol, sipped cervezas, ate paella for lunch, and swam in the beautiful and warm Mediterranean.  I even took him on a short climb up the hill onto the cliffside that overlooks the beach, and I think he loved the sights of the twinkling Mediterranean, the magical rock called Es Vedra, and the Balearic cliffside as much as I did and always have.

 

soaking up some rays

 

Cala Carbo

A little video clip just to show you the scenery:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LstrVeqiPc

After a lazy few hours at this very pretty beach, I decided it was time to change to something a little more upbeat and Ibizenken (sp?): Ses Salines and Sa Trinxa Beach Bar.  We drove across the island to the southern most tip, and found rock star parking just outside the packed parking lot - apparently there were tons of people on the island for the closing parties and the number of cars parked in the bushes and along the road way proved it!  Because we arrived relatively late in the day (4:00ish), the beach was full with hardly any room to walk let alone lay out.  But we managed to squeeze out enough room for two more towels, and then layed down to watch all the people and listen to the funky beats that the resident DJ was spinning.  Funnily enough, another friend of mine, Ralf, who I met when I was in Ibiza two years ago and who I have stayed in touch, also happened to be at the same beach not too far away from where we layed our towels.  I waved and walked over to him, the both of us laughing as we greeted one another with a warm hug, saying that the island was just too small of a place!

 

Ses Salines

Sa Trinxa

a very happenin' beach bar at Ses Salines

 a packed beach

After a few more hours of laying out and talking about everything under the sun (literally! Ries and I never run short of things to talk about), I asked Ries if he felt like watching the sunset.  I had just the perfect place in mind - the cliffside above Cala D'Hort.  I knew exactly the little dirt road to get there too, so off we went in my little Alfa Romeo.  Dang, I had a lot of fun driving that car!

I had shared the same cliff top with my ex a few years ago, and even though I knew it was our special place then, I analyzed the situation very unsympathetically and came to the conclusion that that cliff and the view that comes with it wasn't just "our" special place.  This fact was proven to me as Ries and I walked through the sage brush across the cliff top, and said "hola" to a several different people who had also found that little dirt road and decided to take in the sunset in the exact same spot.  A group of Germans who wouldn't stop talking stood several meters away, while a Spanish couple had brought their folding chairs and had seemingly gotten there early, perched in the best location for the sunset.  Another couple further along the cliffside towards the point were eagerly snapping pictures.  Certainly this place is my place now as much as it was "our" place then, and it belongs to everyone else who comes here now, too.  I took a quiet stroll by myself, leaving Ries to sit and contemplate his own journey, and I once again battled a little demon who I actually knew would be waiting for me there.  I found him quite easily, gave him the respectful nod that he deserved, and then wound up and round-house kicked him over the cliffside, nice and hard!!  I sniffed, wiped away a tear, and then went back to sit with Ries.  We both sat in meditative silence together and we watched the sun go down, heard the wind whisper it's love for us, and felt the calm of Es Vedra wash over us both.

 

The view of Es Vedra, and the beautiful sunset on Ibiza

The place I go to in my mind when I need to relieve stress

Destino's Tapas Bar, San Jose, Ibiza

The best restaurant on the island for tapas

By the time the sun set we were STARVING!  Fortunately for me, and being the Aquarian that I am, I had thought ahead and had called to reserve a table for two.  Even then the restaurant was so busy that we had to wait a half an hour for our table.  I wonder if they didn't do that on purpose, because inevitably it made our eyes bigger than our stomachs, and we ordered several yummy dishes and drank several yummy cerveza's (Ries) and rose vino's (me).   The food was, as always, amazing.  I highly recommend this restaurant if you ever go to Ibiza and you only have one night there.  This place is not to be missed!

OMG!  Destino's!

If Ries wasn't already happy, he sure was after our meal at Destino's!

That evening, and since Ries had flown over especially for it, we attended Tiesto's Closing Party at Privilege.  We were very much looking forward to shacking our asses and having a fun evening, but alas, I have to report that the closing party SUCKED!  There, I said it.  It's true.  Our dear wonderful DJ Tiesto is very talented and creative indeed, and has been trying a new type of trance music out as of late, and I was horrified to discover this.  You can't even dance to it.  It was crap.  Privilege, the world's largest night club, is a sight to see for sure, with amazing light shows and dancing girls, acrobats and streamers exploding from the sky.  But the music?  S.U.C.K.E.D.  Sorry Tiesto.  If you're reading this then "Bravo" for branching out and doing what is your right as an Artist.  But BOOO for not making it dance worthy.  Shame!

It was cool to be there with the rest of the island though...

... and we did really like the light show...

... and the Las Vegas Show Girls...

... and the acrobats...

Two years ago when I went to Tiesto's Closing Party it was such a great time!  I danced all night and met tons of great people (remember the two guys from Argentina?).  This time though it was a definite downer.  Wow.  Don't worry - I got over it.   :)

After Ries flew home to Holland the next day, I let myself coast without a watch or a schedule of any kind.  Over the next couple of days I had time to visit my friend Alok another time, strolled through Ibiza town and did some shopping a couple of times, found new little out of the way places that had popped up there in the last two years, and finally got back in sync with the energy of the island.  I explored roads that I'd never been down before, continued to speak Spanish all day long and read Spanish newspapers whenever I'd stop for a cafe solo or Tinto de Verano.  I also spent another day beach hopping, watching people, and I did get a chance to meet with Ralf back at Sa Trinxa for a lazy afternoon with some of his friends who also live on the island.  I made friends with the owners of the hotel I was staying at, I got really good at driving a stick-shift again, discovered my cocky, aggressive, fast-paced Ibiza style again (you better move fast to keep up with the traffic on Ibiza, or get honked at by six different cars for simply pulling a Vancouver U-ey), chatted with several women who owned boutiques in Ibiza Town, sat by the hotel pool and ate melon, fresh croissants, and ripe figs for breakfast, and generally gave myself the right to be a leisurely tourist for a change!  At the end of my four days there, I am happy to report that the place I thought I knew so well hasn't changed all that much, and I still, thankfully, feel right at home there.  I am a part of that island.  I knew it all along I guess.  Maybe I just needed to go back and figure it out for myself?

For my last night there, I took a well-needed siesta and woke up again at 1:00 a.m.  By 1:50 I had arrived at "Space", one of Ibiza's hottest clubs and host to the "BE" Closing Party, featuring Markus Schultz and Armin van Buuren, two of my favourite DJ's.  I had been to a Closing Party at Space two years agao and it was an absolute slop fest.  This year though, while it was jam-packed, was pretty dang civilized and enjoyable.  By 2:00 a.m. Markus was on and I had my rum and coke in hand and was eagerly pushing my way towards the front of the Main Room.  Hey look, if you ever want to feel liberated, just fly to Ibiza and vacation on your own and go to a massive night club on your own.  Add a little Spanish language to the mix and then you'll realize how friggin' cool  you really are!  :)

 

MARKUS! droooool...

Both Markus and Armin had this really psychedelic light show going on

a very happy crowd at Space

(No red-necks here, bar brawls are unheard of)

Okay here is another video I took, this time of Markus Schultz!

I admit that the music is a little warped and loud at the beginning, but JUST DEAL WITH IT, ok?!

It's a cool show.  You'll wish you were there...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfJUUtPdsYk

 

And of course no trance party is complete without AVB!

Why does he always have to be so darn cute?

I went to the club by myself, it's true. I was having a completely good time mixing with people from all over the world, and was reminded very quickly that if you get too close to a Spaniard he'll stick his tongue down your throat!  Not sure how, but I found myself gravitating towards the Dutch again.  I know them by their height, the mischief in their eyes, and by how friendly and inviting they are when you bump into them.  And do the Dutch ever know how to party!  Two thumbs up for the BE Closing Party, 2011! 

After getting home in the wee hours of the morning and sleeping in till late the next day, I sat by the pool one last time before catching an evening flight back to Barcelona.  I stomped around The Ramblas for a bit before heading back to the hotel room I'd rented for a night, just off of Plaza Catalunya.  I was bagged!  Early the very next day I was back at the airport for my flight to Frankfurt, and then Vancouver.  My two weeks in Spain went by way too fast!  But I'm glad I did end up going back to Ibiza, and I'm glad that I made my peace with those demons.  I realized what I already knew: that I really do love the place and a piece of it belongs to me and will always remain in my heart.  And this time I realized I love it all for my own reasons. 

My memories are my own.   So is my reality.  :)

Charleen xo