December 11. It's the time of year when people start acting jolly and fun-loving, and they start laughing and smiling more too. The "spirit" of Christmas is still alive and well, and here in Vancouver it's a nice change from the gloominess we usually carry around with us. Everyone puts their Christmas lights up and some street blocks even compete against their neighbours to see who can put the prettiest display around their homes and yards. Heck, I even caught myself humming a carol yesterday. "The First Noel", I think it was. And then I caught myself chuckling.
Today the skies are blue and the traffic is heavy - lots of rushing about is being done. 'Tis the season. Myself, I have decided this year to have a non-commercial Christmas, and I have to say that I am feeling far less stressed and pressed for time because of it. I still have the Christmas spirit though, I'm happy to report. It is a nice time of year! And you don't have to run out and spend a lot of money just to enjoy it!
Some would say that Christmas makes you feel so much goodness and love for everyone around you, that you might be more inclined to think about deeper things, such as the friends that really do mean a lot to you and who you haven't reached out to in awhile. Such as love, and forgiving the one you love. Such as the family you remember all sitting around the fire together on a chilly winter's night, everyone in their pajamas, munching on Christmas treats and singing Christmas carols in harmony while their dad plays the guitar. Or maybe even deeper and warmer than that? And for some reason, no matter how deep I get with my thoughts, I am always brought back to that gentle feeling of love. Even though winter solstice is upon us and the days are much shorter now, it is a "feel good" time of year.
So here I am on this sunny afternoon, sitting at home with my herbal tea and a candle, and my laptop finally back home and working again (fingers crossed!). On a day like today I should be taking advantage of the beautiful weather. But I've decided to stay inside for a while longer and contemplate some of those deeper things, and to give thanks for them. Life is so god-damned beautiful, and it's all the imperfections that make it so beautiful. Today I have to be honest with myself and with you. I am thinking about my past relationship and the person in it, and I'm remembering lots of good things. I am thinking that there was love there. And because I'm sitting here thinking about it, I'm feeling it now too, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude, sadness, and wonder at the life that the combination of two people creates. How this unique combination can make a certain type of magic happen, which then triggers events that give you an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop on a personal level, and which sometimes reaches out to the entire globe. The energy of those lessons spreads out, just the way love does. It is a wonderful, crazy thing; relationships. For me, that relationship helped me to grow into the woman that I am today. I am not so young anymore, but my eyes still sparkle like a child's does, and I still like pulling on people's legs just to get a laugh out of them like I did when I was a kid. But I am much wiser, deeper, and not so superficial. Without having had the relationship I had with that one person, I would never be where I am today. I realize that there is no way I could have become who I am now without his influence in my life. Three years ago who was I? I was a woman going down the wrong path, that's who I was! Heck, maybe we will always wander down paths, check out angles and use it as a way to try to get to know ourselves. I do know that we are always growing and changing so that first part must also be true. But I know that the person who I was starting to become was someone who had fallen off her path, and I was very unhappy because of it. I thought I was so happy, but looking back I see clearly that I wasn't.
Am I happy now? Heck, naw. I don't know if one can be happy every single day of their life. How would you learn, and from what would you have to compare life to if things were always the same, same mood, same energy every single day? But am I starting to be happier more often than not? Am I pretty impressed with the person I've become? Can I honestly say that I like myself ? I full-heartedly answer YES to all of those questions. I think I'm a pretty cool cat, and I like what I have to offer the world. I see my unique qualities as of much as a gift as someone else's. I'm starting to understand the real meaning of mirroring, self-projection, ego, and how they can affect a relationship with someone...and to be honest I'm not sure I would have gotten this far on this type of work had I stayed on in the relationship, on that path, with that person. So then it was that very relationship that brought me to where I am today, and which really forced me (the hard way) to learn some wonderful lessons.
It feels like there is alway a price to pay for things. Have I obtained any of this information easily? Was it just some natural "talent" that allowed me to access this worldly wisdom? No friggin' way. I have had to work darn hard to get here, and I am still working darn hard at it. Whenever you peel back a layer you can bet you'll find another one under it. It's just the way it is. But right now I look around and I can see my hard work paying off in all sorts of ways and with all sorts of people. It's a pretty far out existence when you can bump into someone and automatically understand the lesson, or the gift, that that person has brought to the world and into my life. Sometimes relationships only last a few minutes, sometimes they last a few years.
And so this afternoon after a very brief exchange with the person I shared that relationship with, and a rendez-vous with that part of my past, I have come back home to sit and contemplate it, and to let the tears flow. Because I know there was love. And I know there still is love. And I have to say: it's just all so god-damned beautiful.
So here's to it!
Merry Christmas,
Charleen xo
No comments:
Post a Comment