If I were to say "I can't believe that it's been a year since I wrote", I'd be lying. I am very well aware of the fact that it's been a year since I wrote. I can't count how many times I've told myself that "Today I am going to write!", and not followed through. What's been going on in my life? Well, a whole shit load of nothing. A whole shit load of everything.
I took a very "stable" job as an Executive Assistant with a global engineering company last May. I thought this would be the best option for me, and at the time I'd just come out of a freakish job with a small marketing firm and thought that a larger corporation might be just what the doctor ordered. The only problem is, is now I'm bored out of my skull and wishing I had some of the ingenuity and autonomy that I had in my last position (minus the craziness). There's no creativity happening here at this job, and believe me: I've had a year to create something meaningful and it's just not happening. So I am now feeling more than a little stuck. The job market isn't exactly overflowing with a need for a good seasoned EA right now, and employers are low-balling. So I won't just jump ship because that doesn't financially support me either. So here I sit, day after day, wondering what to do, when it'll get better, and how I can find inspiration in my life again. The truth is that I've left it all behind when I stopped writing. A job is a job is a job. It may always be just a job. But to get to moments where I feel the spark has almost completely died out? Is it worth it?
So I'm going to write again, and I'm not sure about what I will write about since, in my opinion, life feels so drab and meaningless. What I know is that behind it all I've been doing a ton of healing and continued on in my self-discovery, and maybe this slow job of mine is actually just another opportunity for me to have time to get clear with myself. Well, okay, but I'd still like to be a little more excited about coming to work every day! It's not too much to ask for, is it?? The hours are long here. It sucks the life blood out of me. I keep on trying and I keep on trying to stay positive. Now I'm going to write while at work and I think this could actually help me out. Some say that you have to find what you love and just make it into a job. This isn't my reality unfortunately. I spend the majority of my after work hours becoming myself. Here at the office I'm being absorbed by the panels of my cubicle, I'm melting like a candle. On the weekends I light up again and become healthy. After a year of watching this cycle, watching the pace and bureaucracy, I'm almost accepting of it (I'm still a bit rebellious - I'm an Aquarian afterall), and taking what good I can out of it. What's the good, you ask? Well, I have a job that actually is paying me not too badly (considering some of the job opportunities out there I'm seeing are wayyyyy below where any single woman can possibly support herself in this city). I'm taking my lunchhours and going to the gym where I continue to get my ass kicked. I come out feeling strong, happy that I've given myself that time for myself in the middle of a day that seems to be all about giving myself to the corporate bullshit. There is a silver lining in everything even though I can clearly see the grey underside and am becoming quite outspoken and judicious about it all. Pessimistic isn't exactly the word I would use to describe my mentality about my job. I'd say that my view is very reasonable considering I've had a year to figure out this place. But I'd say I'm quite discerning, discriminating even. Not much goes unseen by me. And I'm quiet enough here to watch, to learn how things are being done. I see the BS and I call a spade a spade. I am in some ways more outspoken than ever before, and at the same time I am more quiet, patient, observant.
So writing is going to come back to me. I never meant to push it away. I have no more excuses, no one to blame but myself. This morning I was watching a friend's video (Kia Park) on how to create creativity and keep the spark alive within yourself - finding that blissful state and letting it resonate in everything you do. For example, Kia dances each and every day. I thought to myself: that is definitely something I can relate to. So writing, dancing every now and then (and hard), and tapping into my psychic sixth sense are a handful of the things in my life that have great meaning and that are becoming almost ALL I'm about. I'm not about my job. My job pays me so that I can do the things that I like and that's all. There is no spiritual or creative bonus to my work. I am here for now because I need to be and when the next best thing comes along I'll go with it. I have decided that spirituality, music, writing, travel, sunshine are the key components that my spirit requires. And I'm going to give myself all the fuel I can get. I won't hold back, and I won't apologize to anyone for my needs. They are the only things that give me meaning and strength and help me feel my center again, my Self. I am happiest when I am following that creativity, so why not just follow it and forget about the realities of my day job? Do what I have to do (my day job), but remember who I am (the sunshiny, spirit dancer). That is where I've come to.
It is Thursday and I've just finished listening to Markus Schulz's Global DJ Broadcast on DI.FM, and now I'm listening to Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show. When I hear this high quality trance ringing through my ears while I'm sitting writing at my desk, I feel a connection being made with every cell in my body. And when that connection happens, a vibration goes out and into the ethers, making the world a good place again. I feel like this music was put on the planet specifically just to help me remember the Happy Light. You all know what I'm talking about - we tap into that same light in whatever way we need to. For me, it's the music. Combine it with writing, sunshine, lots of exercise and fresh air... I think I've almost got it straight.
The only meaning in life is to find your own melody, that thing that gives you energy; the thing that you know is your truth at the deepest part of your core. It's not about how many certifications you can get, diplomas, and initials after your name. it sure isn't about how much money you have in your bank account, how many cars or properties you own (because really you never do really truly "own" any of that). I don't feel at all compelled to go and learn something new just so I can add it to my resume and continue doing more of what I'm already doing. Unless it calls to my spirit and feels like it's authentic and good for me on other levels other than "business" or "career", then I'm not going to do it. For me there has ceased to be any practicality in that line of thinking anymore. My practicality is now starting to be found in the way I conduct my own life, what energies I'm following, what path. It's not about going full out to support everyone else in their endeavours every single day, or being there 100% for everyone else in my life. It's not about following a corporate mentality or climbing a ladder and looking for enlightenment in working for someone else (a Board of Directors?). It's about being there 100% for yourself first, and letting everything else fall into place second if it has to, third maybe even. I know it sounds contrary to what I'm actually doing but that's because I'm playing the game like everyone else, but I'm making it work for me personally, uniquely. I will play the game for as long as I need to, and yes maybe it will mean letting someone else pay me a salary every two weeks. Right now that is actually fulfilling the larger part of my life and my journey, and I do need that too. I will give them my time as long as I need to, who knows maybe I'll work for someone else for the rest of my life even? But I won't give them my soul any longer. My life is only about Me and my journey, and that's all it ever was about. When I made it about someone else or about something else, I fell off my my path and things started to go wrong. I've at least learned that much in this last year. So I'll use whatever tools I have to keep on my own track. For now if it means I'll be writing to you from my desk behind a cubicle wall in a dreary engineering firm, then sobeit. One day I will find my desk in a sunny, south facing airy room with the fresh breeze blowing through it. For now, I'll certainly accept this.
If you're doing what you really like to be doing then there is good to come from it. So play the trance music - let me feel it vibrate through my body and put a smile on my face, and then watch how the good vibes radiate back out towards everyone. And then also give me time to feel, to be really honest about things, and to write about those things.
Well well, what do you know? Here it all is on a silver platter. I'll take that, thanks very much. :)
Charleen xo
I took a very "stable" job as an Executive Assistant with a global engineering company last May. I thought this would be the best option for me, and at the time I'd just come out of a freakish job with a small marketing firm and thought that a larger corporation might be just what the doctor ordered. The only problem is, is now I'm bored out of my skull and wishing I had some of the ingenuity and autonomy that I had in my last position (minus the craziness). There's no creativity happening here at this job, and believe me: I've had a year to create something meaningful and it's just not happening. So I am now feeling more than a little stuck. The job market isn't exactly overflowing with a need for a good seasoned EA right now, and employers are low-balling. So I won't just jump ship because that doesn't financially support me either. So here I sit, day after day, wondering what to do, when it'll get better, and how I can find inspiration in my life again. The truth is that I've left it all behind when I stopped writing. A job is a job is a job. It may always be just a job. But to get to moments where I feel the spark has almost completely died out? Is it worth it?
So I'm going to write again, and I'm not sure about what I will write about since, in my opinion, life feels so drab and meaningless. What I know is that behind it all I've been doing a ton of healing and continued on in my self-discovery, and maybe this slow job of mine is actually just another opportunity for me to have time to get clear with myself. Well, okay, but I'd still like to be a little more excited about coming to work every day! It's not too much to ask for, is it?? The hours are long here. It sucks the life blood out of me. I keep on trying and I keep on trying to stay positive. Now I'm going to write while at work and I think this could actually help me out. Some say that you have to find what you love and just make it into a job. This isn't my reality unfortunately. I spend the majority of my after work hours becoming myself. Here at the office I'm being absorbed by the panels of my cubicle, I'm melting like a candle. On the weekends I light up again and become healthy. After a year of watching this cycle, watching the pace and bureaucracy, I'm almost accepting of it (I'm still a bit rebellious - I'm an Aquarian afterall), and taking what good I can out of it. What's the good, you ask? Well, I have a job that actually is paying me not too badly (considering some of the job opportunities out there I'm seeing are wayyyyy below where any single woman can possibly support herself in this city). I'm taking my lunchhours and going to the gym where I continue to get my ass kicked. I come out feeling strong, happy that I've given myself that time for myself in the middle of a day that seems to be all about giving myself to the corporate bullshit. There is a silver lining in everything even though I can clearly see the grey underside and am becoming quite outspoken and judicious about it all. Pessimistic isn't exactly the word I would use to describe my mentality about my job. I'd say that my view is very reasonable considering I've had a year to figure out this place. But I'd say I'm quite discerning, discriminating even. Not much goes unseen by me. And I'm quiet enough here to watch, to learn how things are being done. I see the BS and I call a spade a spade. I am in some ways more outspoken than ever before, and at the same time I am more quiet, patient, observant.
So writing is going to come back to me. I never meant to push it away. I have no more excuses, no one to blame but myself. This morning I was watching a friend's video (Kia Park) on how to create creativity and keep the spark alive within yourself - finding that blissful state and letting it resonate in everything you do. For example, Kia dances each and every day. I thought to myself: that is definitely something I can relate to. So writing, dancing every now and then (and hard), and tapping into my psychic sixth sense are a handful of the things in my life that have great meaning and that are becoming almost ALL I'm about. I'm not about my job. My job pays me so that I can do the things that I like and that's all. There is no spiritual or creative bonus to my work. I am here for now because I need to be and when the next best thing comes along I'll go with it. I have decided that spirituality, music, writing, travel, sunshine are the key components that my spirit requires. And I'm going to give myself all the fuel I can get. I won't hold back, and I won't apologize to anyone for my needs. They are the only things that give me meaning and strength and help me feel my center again, my Self. I am happiest when I am following that creativity, so why not just follow it and forget about the realities of my day job? Do what I have to do (my day job), but remember who I am (the sunshiny, spirit dancer). That is where I've come to.
It is Thursday and I've just finished listening to Markus Schulz's Global DJ Broadcast on DI.FM, and now I'm listening to Armin van Buuren's A State of Trance radio show. When I hear this high quality trance ringing through my ears while I'm sitting writing at my desk, I feel a connection being made with every cell in my body. And when that connection happens, a vibration goes out and into the ethers, making the world a good place again. I feel like this music was put on the planet specifically just to help me remember the Happy Light. You all know what I'm talking about - we tap into that same light in whatever way we need to. For me, it's the music. Combine it with writing, sunshine, lots of exercise and fresh air... I think I've almost got it straight.
The only meaning in life is to find your own melody, that thing that gives you energy; the thing that you know is your truth at the deepest part of your core. It's not about how many certifications you can get, diplomas, and initials after your name. it sure isn't about how much money you have in your bank account, how many cars or properties you own (because really you never do really truly "own" any of that). I don't feel at all compelled to go and learn something new just so I can add it to my resume and continue doing more of what I'm already doing. Unless it calls to my spirit and feels like it's authentic and good for me on other levels other than "business" or "career", then I'm not going to do it. For me there has ceased to be any practicality in that line of thinking anymore. My practicality is now starting to be found in the way I conduct my own life, what energies I'm following, what path. It's not about going full out to support everyone else in their endeavours every single day, or being there 100% for everyone else in my life. It's not about following a corporate mentality or climbing a ladder and looking for enlightenment in working for someone else (a Board of Directors?). It's about being there 100% for yourself first, and letting everything else fall into place second if it has to, third maybe even. I know it sounds contrary to what I'm actually doing but that's because I'm playing the game like everyone else, but I'm making it work for me personally, uniquely. I will play the game for as long as I need to, and yes maybe it will mean letting someone else pay me a salary every two weeks. Right now that is actually fulfilling the larger part of my life and my journey, and I do need that too. I will give them my time as long as I need to, who knows maybe I'll work for someone else for the rest of my life even? But I won't give them my soul any longer. My life is only about Me and my journey, and that's all it ever was about. When I made it about someone else or about something else, I fell off my my path and things started to go wrong. I've at least learned that much in this last year. So I'll use whatever tools I have to keep on my own track. For now if it means I'll be writing to you from my desk behind a cubicle wall in a dreary engineering firm, then sobeit. One day I will find my desk in a sunny, south facing airy room with the fresh breeze blowing through it. For now, I'll certainly accept this.
If you're doing what you really like to be doing then there is good to come from it. So play the trance music - let me feel it vibrate through my body and put a smile on my face, and then watch how the good vibes radiate back out towards everyone. And then also give me time to feel, to be really honest about things, and to write about those things.
Well well, what do you know? Here it all is on a silver platter. I'll take that, thanks very much. :)
Charleen xo
No comments:
Post a Comment