Moody Morning Vent

Will it ever stop raining in Vancouver??

My alarm goes at 6:00 a.m. waking me up from a deep sleep and a dreams I was having about.... Cuba?  I'm reading a book on Cuba so that sounds about right.  Sunny, hot, bizarre, difficult Cuba.  As the dream of Cuba dissolves, I realize where I am and have a sinking feeling in my heart and stomach.  This is the same feeling I've been waking up with all week.  I'm back in rainy Vancouver, it's June 27, and I have a life that falls short of almost everything I'd ever wanted.  Or at least this is how I feel each morning I've been back from my grand vacation in Spain.

One more day going into the office, an office that is now becoming slower and quieter, and people are starting to be let go in every department, in every office around the globe.  This week I've been looking for work again with a vengeance, and today I'll put in phone calls to all of my recruiters and make contact with them again.  The market isn't great - we are definitely in a downturn, and I can see that by the lack of decent job postings.  That can't stop me.  It won't.  I have to keep on trying because trying seems to be all there is nowadays.  This gives me something to hope for, to look forward to.  But it's not just work that's bringing me down.  It's the lack of sunshine, the lack of fun in my life, the lack of love in my life, and the general overall feeling that I don't have anything to look forward to.  The reality of my life is like a gremlin trying to creep up onto my back.  I keep pushing it off, the ugly thing, but it keeps trying to come back.  Sigh.  What is the meaning of my life?

Living with my friend Bonnie has its ups and downs, obviously.  Yes, rent is definitely cheaper and this is the entire reason I've moved to her place.  But I've given up a proper living room (she has one but it never gets used because it's usually scattered with kids' clothes, or used as a storage space for hockey gear and toys).  The kitchen isn't a place I can normally sit comfortably for long either as there's more kids' toys, books, paperwork, Bonnie's office, dirty dishes, and computers in every space available.  I can cook my own food there and I make sure the counter is clean at least, and of course I clean after myself.  But this place is truly a kids' home - two vibrant, loud young boys live here and that's what I chose to move into.  So I shouldn't complain because these things aren't going to change ie: it's not going to become a sexy, social, adult home anytime soon.  Still, when I made this decision I felt really strongly about getting ahead with my bills and getting ontop of my life, and cheaper rent definitely seemed like it would be the way "out".  If I think about it for too long, the wide screen shot of my life makes me get really down.   

Today I am struggling to hold onto the beauty, the sun, the heat, the joy, the sights and sounds, and the love that I felt a couple of times while I was on vacation.  I felt love for almost everyone, and it was really easy to do. For me, any lack of sunshine makes it difficult to feel this love, enthusiasm, and optimism about almost anything, and I've said this before. True, I can't help who I am and I'm certain my ancestors were exactly the same as I am - ever struggling and fighting and searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But maybe the sun helps to bring some positivity to life's struggles, even though of course it doesn't take them away. In Ibiza where the sun shines all the time, my love for myself flowed freely and effortlessly, no blocks whatsoever. It extended out to others who were able to then feel it themselves, and then reflected it back to me. It's the way love works, it's the way light works. I've started taking Vitamin D supplements since I've been back again.

I feel sad this morning also because there has been love in my life but it wasn't complete - there was always a catch to it and it would have meant me giving up a big chunk of myself in order to make a true go of it.  And so I couldn't give the love back fully, although I definitely did give it back as much as I could and I learned a lot from it.  But I am discouraged by the stunted feeling I have about it all now, and I am saddened that even that is over now too, and the vision of him with another woman in his bed, which he so kindly threw my face last night, kindof makes me sick to my stomach.  I know, I'm completely hypocritical.  I can't help it - it's an Aquarian trait. I do love and I need tons of freedom myself, but I never said that I wasn't jealous or insecure or that watching someone move on to another relationship wouldn't bother me.  I wish I could be so resilient, so insensitive!  I wish I was more like those self-help books that tell you to "cheer up", "stay positive", and give directions on how to be "resilient", as if it's indecent to admit that one might have dark blue feelings sometimes.  I'm ready again to be in a full relationship but the lack of quality men in this town is quite disturbing for a 40-something woman, where I'm treated as if I'm past my "expiry" date.  I know many other completely fit, beautiful, 40-something year old women who feel the same as I do on this point. grrrrr!

Those good, bad dreams I keep on having of winning the lottery don't seem to help.

Some say it's a good thing that I didn't have children with my ex-husband, but nowadays I'm thinking that at least having children would give me some meaning in my life, focus, and grandchildren to look forward to.  Don't they see the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?

Work prospects are definitely getting me down, and I imagine that as I get older my prospects will be fewer and farther between.  It seems to be going that way.  Where the hell is my Knight in Shining Armour!?  Yes, I fully admit that I bought into that vision, that belief that someone will come and sweep me away from the misery and the mundane.  I'd even venture to say that most women feel the same, as it was ingrained deeply into us as children while reading fantasy stories about Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc etc.  I'm admitting it, you should too.  The only problem with the fantasy is that Prince Charming really isn't so charming, and Snow White, having given herself up to the first Prince Charming who came along (yes, she may have a nice house and 4 lovely children  to keep her occupied), sees now that the grass is so much greener on the other side of the fence and wishes she could have been more independant, travelled the world, found her Self.  No one talks about how Cinderella and Snow White go on to do their own things and face great conquests in their life - it's just assumed that they live happily ever after.  The young and beautiful Princess will forever more be the young and beautiful Princess, her Prince will always be kind and handsome, and they shall want for nothing more as long as they shall live, The End.  Yeah right.  Pfft!  Still, her lawn looks kinda nice to me, while I'm sure my lawn looks absolutely liberating to her.  Grass grows weeds.  Nothing is perfect.  So much for that friggin' fairytale.

Sigh.  What to wear to work?  What to pack for lunch?  What to bring to wear to the gym?  Does any of it really matter?  I try to move away from my computer and get going on my day, slowly making my bed and considering jumping into the shower.  Then there's the detail of doing my hair and makeup.  Blah.  I'm feeling less and less like doing any of this today - who really cares anyways?  It's not like my job is high traffic or client facing anyways.  sheesh.  This sucks.

I sloppily get ready for work and trudge out the door into the rain, catching the first bus that passes (shock! Usually I have to wait so long for those dang buses!).  Passengers on the bus are hunched over, holding their sopping umbrellas, looking glum, and are obviously just as sick of this weather as I am.  A guy is talking on his cell phone and the entire bus can hear him.  He's saying something like "...what we're going to have to do when we have to fire everyone..." and I realize that the questionable economy is something that has an effect on not just me and the company I work for, it's all around.  Does this realization make me feel smug and somehow acceptable?  I feel a mixture of encouragement and depression when I hear his words.  But as I get to work and start my day, absorbing the buzz of the office, saying goodmorning to people, the dark cloud starts to loosen itself from above my head, little by little.  I now have something to keep my mind preoccupied and to stop those gremlins from climbing on my back, at least for now.  I sip my tea and open the applications on my computer, and silently give thanks for my job, my life, my freedom, and all the dang confusion that comes with it.  My job is what made it possible for me to go on such a wonderful Spanish holiday, afterall.  As I remember this, the twinkle starts to come back into my eyes and I realize that I'm just being hard on myself this morning  There are so many other realities that I could focus on, thank goodness.  This week when people ask me how I am doing, I reply with a hearty "I'm great!", because I still do feel that warm Ibizan sun in my heart.  The Canada Day long weekend is coming up and the weather report calls for sun and high temperatures by Sunday (although I think maybe the weatherman is just telling us that so that we'll all feel relieved).  I have made some wonderful friends and created some very cool memories.  I live in a good home and I am safe, for now anyways.  Writing definitely helps me stay sane, force the gremlins off my back.  And you know what?  Maybe I'll even start to date a little?  Who knows?

Green grass on a raining summer morning -

it even looks better down the street than from where I sit -

it's all just an illusion anyways.

Afternoons are much easier for me.  :)

Charleen xo