Bringing Brightness Back

The rooftop terrace - a great space for yoga and writing

This morning wake up with a start.  Where am I?  What day is it?  What time is it?  Oh yes, I quickly remember that I’m on vacation in Ibiza, and I peel back my eye shades to the bright sunlight streaming through the windows of the doors to my room.  I’ve rented this cute little room at the home of my friend, Alok, who happens to live on my favourite side of the island.  I stretch and let the bad dream I just had slowly turn into mist, then into nothing.  I try to capture the meaning of it as it quickly starts to fade away from my memory; I was dreaming about work, but also dreaming about conflicted pleasure, so it must’ve been about how to find pleasure in work?   I dunno.  Still in a groggy state, I try to stop analyzing and just let it all go.  I’m on vacation afterall, and this is no time to worry about work, Char.  Forget about it!

I hear Alok moving around in the home above.  A few minutes later I hear him walk out, his car starts in the carport just to the side of the house, and then I listen as it slowly drives away.  So I am home alone, which is perfect and exactly what I needed.   I splash some water on my face and throw on my flip-flops, open the sliding doors to my room, and step out into the warm Ibizencan air.  A start to stroll around the gardens and give myself a few moments longer to really wake up.  I gaze off into the distance to take a glimpse at the peak of Es Vedra against the blue sky.  Today I’m so thankful that I’m not waking up and having to think about work, getting ready for work, preparing my lunch, what to wear to work, what to pack in my gym bag for work, or the time it takes me to get from home to work, blah blah blah, or any of the other stuff that makes me feel like I’m on daily rollercoaster ride.  Letting it all go.

Alok has a beautiful yet very natural garden which he enjoys spending time working in and it shows.  Plants whose names I couldn’t possibly know are much bigger and healthier than I could have ever grown them, and there is even some design and artistic thought put into his property.  I can say that it is a meditative place.  I make a mental note to try out the swimming pool which he put in two years ago and is now placed strategically at the foot of his property alongside of a new garden house – perfect for an afternoon dip when the sun is at its highest.     

Alok's garden with new pool and garden house

Although I like to think I know it all about this island life, I am only a tourist.  I have to remember that I don’t know everything there is to know about this island, and the way of life that comes with it.  I’ve been here now countless times for vacation, and each time I become more a part of its essence, learning more and absorbing more every time.  I enjoy being here in June or September when it’s still busy enough to be exciting, but not so busy as in July or August when it’s almost impossible to take a casual cruise through the countryside without some crazy tourist tailing your bumper the entire way, or traffic slowing down your ability to get anywhere in less than an hour.  Also in July and August it seems to be clearer what you’d come here for: the party.  In June and September you can still be guaranteed some level of quiet and peace, and there’s still some partying to be done if you really want to.  It is Ibiza afterall.  All the best music starts from this place.  It’s an important fact to remember.  I know it’s what drew me here in the first place.

Today though, I am thankful for a quiet morning and the chance to write.  I arrange a seat for myself on the terracotta tiled, upper terrace of the house and I look out to the valley where everything is still green, birds are floating in the breeze, a breeze which makes the weather very pleasurable.  Its all about pleasure Char.  Do you even remember what that feels like?

I think about my writing – what do I want to say today?  Do I have to say anything special?  Does there have to be a point to my writing?  I read something recently by Paulo Coehlo.  He said that although he feels touched when his readers tell him how enjoyable they find his writing, the most important thing for him as an author is to write the truth, no matter if it’s enjoyable or not.  It has to be the truth.  For me to write only what I think others might want to hear or read would be a total injustice for me and te entire reason I write in the first place.  I don’t really write for anyone else’s enjoyment (although it’s nice when I hear some people say they enjoy my writing) – I write for myself, for my own therapy, for my own reasons.  My truth doesn’t have to be anyone else’s truth, and what I say doesn’t have to be therapeutic to anyone else.  Some people say to me “So you’re a writer, what have you written?” with the expectation that I’m some impressive author with several published works under my belt.  Pfft!  I admit there are some days where I clearly do have a good story in mind and I want to tell it so that it could possibly be enjoyable for someone else to read.  But still what’s behind that and at its very core is how honest it is for me.  And that is good enough for me.  A good point was made about this very subject on a recent Facebook post that a friend of mine wrote.  She made a good point when she said that she wanted to look more closely at some of the truths that she’s believed about herself in the past, truths that others said were the ONLY truths to own, the only way to success, the only way to know you’ve accomplished something.  She called BS on it:

“...The Lie: I will be worthy of calling myself a 'X' practitioner and have the potential to become a successful 'X' only when someone else Certifies me in their own method of 'X' and then will I be able to charge enough money to support myself and feel fulfilled as a self-employed professional.
My Truth: If I am already having a positive impact on myself and/or someone else, who's to say I'm 'not ready'?...”

No, I’m not making money from my writing (yet), and no I haven’t written any books (yet), but I still consider myself a writer.  If I don't write a book, then am I a failure??  If I have affected anyone in a positive way then doesn’t it mean that I’m successful?  Who decides when and if I am “successful”?  Whose truth would that be if I bought into any of that?  So today I guess I haven’t a point in my writing, except that it just feels good to allow my fast fingers to follow my thoughts.  This is what I wanted to do while on vacation, after all.  This is all I wanted, to be honest.  So I sit quietly with my laptop and listen to nothing, listen to the breeze blowing through the trees and the wild grasses.  Now and then my mind wanders back to life in Vancouver; my friends, my family, what I need to accomplish in the next month or two... but I force my thoughts back to myself.  Be in the moment Char.  This morning I’m even gaining pleasure from the little bit of hay fever I’m having this morning, knowing that all the plants and trees around me are thriving.  I can smell the sagebrush and the wild rosemary, mixed with the scent of fresh salt air.  These are such pleasurable, Ibizencan scents.  I chuckle aloud when I hear the neighbour who lives on the property next door sneezing as loudly as possible, and realize he’s also responding to the pollen in the air.  I get up from my laptop to walk and to stretch, and I enjoy the feeling of heat underneath my toes.  The terracotta tile on the terrace has heated up so nicely today.

Just then, I hear the “crunch crunch crunch” of someone’s footsteps coming down the pathway.  I realize without seeing this person that it must be the man who is renting Alok’s garden house, and who I haven’t met yet.  I wander over to the edge of the terrace and look over.  Sure enough, a tall blonde, and very German looking man is throwing his beach gear into his truck and getting ready to climb in.  “Well hello there”, I hear myself say and I notice inwardly that I’m coming out of my cool Vancouver shell.  The man looks around to see where the voice has come from.  “I’m up here”, I say, waving at him with a friendly smile on my face as he looks up to the rooftop terrace. 

“Hi, I’m Charleen.  You must be Alok’s friend who is staying in the garden house.  It’s nice to meet you”. 

The man doesn’t say anything to me.  Instead he blinks at me and smiles, but he stays quiet for a few moments, just looking up at me.  I wonder if I maybe shouldn’t have said anything, or I wonder if maybe he doesn’t understand English.  I prepare myself to apologize (as we Canadians do) for not being able to speak German, and finally the man speaks. 

“Hello.  I am Heiner”. 

“Hello Heiner, did I frighten you?”

“No no, I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone but now that I see you I’m glad you said hello.  You must be the Charleen that Alok has been waiting for. 

“Yes, I just arrived yesterday, it’s nice to meet you finally”.

“And how are you enjoying your room?” he asks cordially.

“My room?  It’s a good room.  Why do you ask?”

“Well Alok kept on saying ‘Oh I need to clean the room, Charleen is coming, Charleen is coming’, and it seemed he was a little stressed out.”

I paused for a moment, slightly puzzled by this statement, and decided to make light of myself instead. “Oh, well maybe that’s because I’m a Princess and he thinks I can’t have a little bit of dirt in my room.” I say to him.  And then I giggle out loud, hoping that Heiner has been able to make out my sarcastic joke on myself, and that I will at least warm up this big German man who I’m not yet sure has taken a liking to me.  Heiner is still looking up at me though, smiling.

“And so what are you doing up there?”  I enjoy his cute German accent already.

“Well, I’ve just started writing, it’s a nice quiet morning and I wanted to get a start on it”.

“Well would you like to come for coffee with me?  I need to get something to eat also, I’m very hungry.”

That suggestion caught me off guard a little, but since I’m on vacation and I’m letting go of my strict roller coaster ride, I say “I guess I could go, sure.  Where do you plan on going?”

“Ah”, says Heiner, “just down the hill to Cala D’Hort”.

“Okay”, I say. “Just let me save my writing and put my laptop away, and I’ll join you”.

What is great about being on vacation is letting go of the things you normally tell yourself you should and shouldn’t do, taking your wrist watch off and forgetting about time, and just enjoying doing whatever you feel like doing in the moment.  I quickly disregarded the little voice that was wagging its finger at me, saying “You SHOULD stay here and do your writing!!”, and opted to hop into the car with Heiner, and away we drove down the hill to Cala d’Hort.  The day was amazingly warm and we weren’t wasting a single second of it by being moody and worried about time constraints.  I appreciated that Heiner seemed to also have nothing but time on his hands and the freedom of a long vacation with which to be spontaneous.  The restaurant at Cala d’Hort had a beautiful view of Es Vedra, and with the warm sunshine hitting my shoulders and this open-minded and progressive free-thinking man sitting across the table from me, I was starting to enjoy my vacation immensely.  I realized that he and I were meant to cross paths at Alok’s and that there was a reason for it.  I had lot to learn from this man.  We chatted and philosophized all afternoon together, and ended up not only having coffee, but a beautiful seafood lunch and a delicious bottle of white wine too!  I really was intrigued by this gentleman, as he seemed to be so dynamic and a bit eccentric even, and have a completely different take on life.  He has had so many experiences that have brought him to locations all over the world, and I enjoyed hearing his stories of how he’s come to be who he is today.  I grew fonder of him as we lingered together in the afternoon sun.  I guess I also recognized myself in him a little, a man who seemed to take a positive, yet unconventional view on most things.  With all the sunshine, the wine, the delicious food, and the interesting point of views, I felt myself opening up again to ideas and feelings that I have hidden away from for awhile now, holed up in my dark closet in Vancouver.  Getting to know people of different cultures, learning new languages, and discovering different lifestyles and mentalities has always been such a huge part of who I am.  I found myself grinning all day long and thanking the Ibizencan Gods and Goddesses that I’d pushed myself to say “hello” this morning to this bright-eyed, super-smart German man.

View of Es Vedra from Cala d'Hort beach and restaurant

I catch myself one or two times wanting to run away, or make some type of excuse for having to get back to doing absolutely nothing on my own, but then I remember that, actually, I have nothing else to run back to!  We hung out for awhile there at Cala d’Hort and then together decided to go to another beach, Es Cavallet on the southern tip of the island.  All afternoon we layed in the sunshine and chatted about life, ate salty sardines and Spanish olives, sipped hierbas (an Ibizencan liqueur) and americanos, and even swam in the blue Mediterranean.  Heiner used to live on the island and knows it well, and I was curious when, after the beach, he drove down a dirt road that led to a new restaurant, Cap des Falco, which I never even knew was there. There we sat down at two cushy beach beds and ordered a pitcher of White Sangria with Cava, and then watched the sun go down together.  It was a brilliant day!  I think it was my good luck that I just happened to pop my head over the side of the terrace this morning to say hi.  He says that the reason why he was so quiet when I first introduced myself to him was because when he looked up all he noticed was the contrast between the bright green tank top I was wearing and the blue, blue Spanish sky.  He said it was beautiful.  His honesty and poetic conversation endured me to him even more.  Heiner will be a good friend to me, this I know. 

I have been feeling so far removed from my own truth that I sometimes can’t see my own spirit any longer.  I sometimes feel that life is full of anguish and that I will constantly be trying to beat the same drum that everyone else beats on, or scoring my accomplishments and goals by the same terms that others have structured their accomplishments and goals.  Maybe that’s why days such as this are such gifts to me because they help me to remember who I am on the inside.  Like the warm Ibizencan breeze, this realization kind of just blew in and it has stayed.  I feel positive and light again.  When I’m feeling positive and light, then I’m doing exactly what I should be doing on the planet, and that is spreading love and acceptance and open-mindedness to everyone I meet (I truly am a 60’s baby, a walking Peace Sign!).  Maybe that is really what I’m here to do anyways.  I hope to bring this type of warmth and creativity back to Canada with me or wherever I go.  Maybe it’s true that I haven’t achieved so many great successes in others’ eyes, but to me this small clarity makes me feel like I have succeeded already.  I get an “A” for success, and thanks to Heiner for helping me get there.  J

  

Enjoying sangria and sunset at Cap des Falco

Love, 

Charleen xo