Recently things have changed again in my life. A couple of weeks ago, as predicted, my position at the engineering firm I'd been working at for just over a year was cut from the budget. I knew it was coming, but thought I would have until the end of the summer at least. Don't be too alarmed. I'm alright. The truth is that I was bored out of my skull for the last year and the job itself never rounded out into a full-time position. I was picking up scraps just to try to make it into a fulsome career and instead I was hitting walls every time I turned around trying to carve a place for myself in the company. Being a brand new position, I guess they hadn't thought it through when they hired an EA. The other thing though, really, is that they also haven't done well winning contracts the past year, and with a softening in the Mining industry, started laying off in Australia and Asia early this year, with rounds of layoffs recently hitting my colleagues in South America as well. I know it's not personal. I think it's for the best. I don't miss the place one bit.
As soon as I was laid-off, I got onto my personal email and reached out to some of my contacts. This resulted in a short, 10 day contract filling in for vacation as an EA to the CEO and President/General Counsel of a large, expanding software development company. I've been here for over a week now and I've yet again trampled on my own beliefs that I am not smart, valuable, and capable. Coming onto a new company with very little cross-over training and then stepping right into a demanding EA role is very stressful. But now, a week later, I feel like I have things pretty much under control. I haven't let any balls drop and I've caught onto their culture and pace pretty easily. I may not know everything there is to know here, but I think I've continued to contribute to having everything run pretty smoothly for the CEO and President and other team members nonetheless. I'm proud of my abilities, and humbly I admit I'm a bit shocked too. I note that I get along well with people, but I'm not the super-socializer I used to be when I was younger. I'm reserved yet friendly, professional, and I like to lightly joke about things (I can thank my dad for this character trait). :) I think people like me here and are appreciative of my aptitude to jump in and fit in quickly. It's obvious that I'm a seasoned EA with a large amount of experience in many different industries. The position itself could actually become a permanent one and I think we are both just trying one another on for size. I'm not completely convinced that this is the place to be, but it hasn't been difficult to spend 10 days here. Certainly I could use the cash anyways, right? I mean: What else is possible? :)
I don't know what the future looks like. I have thoughts of getting in my car and driving east, maybe to look for work, maybe to visit my family. Everything I own has been packed in storage or loaned out to friends for the past few months anyways. I feel like I'm down-sizing, simplifying. With a little bit of money coming in from the EI claim I'll be receiving because of the layoff, I could potentially wait things out for a bit. Of course it would be awesome if I could be gainfully employed and content, thriving in a new position. But my point is that I'm not ruffled about the way things are going at the moment, I feel tranquil. Maybe all the hard times I've been through are helping me stay steady now?
It seems like nothing stays the same for very long these days. I notice that my friends are also having to adapt and change their lives in order to keep the chaos at bay. Some friends I haven't spoken to in months because I know that they are going through something so big that they just can't multi-task friendships and the rest of their life at the same time. With other friends, it is me who is unable to give much energy out because I'm busy balancing myself. Is this wrong? My analytical side wants to know. Should I be better, stronger than this? Shouldn't I have a ton of energy to be giving out to everyone? Intuitively I know I'm doing the right thing by following my inner-guides, not forcing energy where it shouldn't be forced. Even with my family I can only give out a certain amount of my own personal energy. We are all, in some way, on our own.
When I got home from Spain last month, I thought it was important for me to stay on the same wave length that I'd been on there, and so decided to put myself onto an on-line dating site. I've tried them before off and on but never really gained much pleasure from them. Basically it's filling time. Although I haven't met anyone I'm interested in having a relationship with, they are all decent men with complex lives, baggage, and wisdom. Talking with them fulfills my curious desire to look at other people's lives and see how others live, to understand what their thoughts and realities are. It seems like no one lives a "normal" life anymore, everyone is adapting and having to find a rhythm of their own. No, I don't seem to be finding "the One", and it's maybe just not my time yet. Maybe it never will be? I'm starting to believe that there isn't such thing as "the One"; instead I believe that there are many people to love and learn from who are all beautiful and special in their own way. To be polyamorous is the epitome of adaptability, isn't it? It has to be, since nothing ever stays the same anyways, right? At this time I can honestly say that I'm enjoying my independence and singleness. In many ways the dissolve of my marriage and all that bad stuff that had me down for years seems like it was supposed to happen in order to get to this centered, stronger part within myself. The more alone I am, the more independent I become, the more content I feel with myself and the way I am leading my life. I smile inwardly more often now. I still question things on an individual basis to see how it fits within my life, but I'm not comparing myself to people nearly so often. I don't apologize for my actions and beliefs as much as I used to. A couple of the fellows I've been chatting with on the dating site actually aren't from here, they're from Spain. Even though it is virtual and my Spanish is choppy with tons of spelling errors, they don't seem to mind one bit. I recognize their positive outlook on life, although actually I know that life in Spain is anything but easy and predictable at the moment. I know maybe it sounds pathetic, but in a more selfish way it's also feeding my curiosity about people while keeping my own inner connections to Spain. Therefore, the little, seemingly superficial things also do account for creating some pleasure in one's life. The less I buy into the notion that I'm not successful unless I've got a big house, a big mortgage, a big car and a big family to rule over, the more ease I have in life. It's also been beneficial for me to stop tuning into the evening news-hour and reading mainstream newspapers. All that we hear and read is man-made and fabricated specifically to instill fear and frustration in society, and really enslaves people to accept things that, if you actually consider it, are UNacceptable. So I've stopped giving energy to all that BS. I feel best when I get to bed early and have a regular workout regime. I thrive when the sun shines. These are very simple standards for me to live my life by, and keeping it simple is allowing me to adapt to the bumps with more ease. With everything in the world changing so much, the only thing I can count on is myself. I feel calm.
Let's be honest: don't we all wish that life could be big and grand and hollywood-ish and colourful and luxurious and divine and CONSTANT and predictable? Ah, but that is the big fairy-tale that we've all bought into. Actually life is a little plain, unpredictable, and can be difficult at times. The ability to laugh and have fun, and yes, to live life simply with fewer expectations, makes it all easier.
So, anyone want to go dancing? :)
Charleen xo
As soon as I was laid-off, I got onto my personal email and reached out to some of my contacts. This resulted in a short, 10 day contract filling in for vacation as an EA to the CEO and President/General Counsel of a large, expanding software development company. I've been here for over a week now and I've yet again trampled on my own beliefs that I am not smart, valuable, and capable. Coming onto a new company with very little cross-over training and then stepping right into a demanding EA role is very stressful. But now, a week later, I feel like I have things pretty much under control. I haven't let any balls drop and I've caught onto their culture and pace pretty easily. I may not know everything there is to know here, but I think I've continued to contribute to having everything run pretty smoothly for the CEO and President and other team members nonetheless. I'm proud of my abilities, and humbly I admit I'm a bit shocked too. I note that I get along well with people, but I'm not the super-socializer I used to be when I was younger. I'm reserved yet friendly, professional, and I like to lightly joke about things (I can thank my dad for this character trait). :) I think people like me here and are appreciative of my aptitude to jump in and fit in quickly. It's obvious that I'm a seasoned EA with a large amount of experience in many different industries. The position itself could actually become a permanent one and I think we are both just trying one another on for size. I'm not completely convinced that this is the place to be, but it hasn't been difficult to spend 10 days here. Certainly I could use the cash anyways, right? I mean: What else is possible? :)
I don't know what the future looks like. I have thoughts of getting in my car and driving east, maybe to look for work, maybe to visit my family. Everything I own has been packed in storage or loaned out to friends for the past few months anyways. I feel like I'm down-sizing, simplifying. With a little bit of money coming in from the EI claim I'll be receiving because of the layoff, I could potentially wait things out for a bit. Of course it would be awesome if I could be gainfully employed and content, thriving in a new position. But my point is that I'm not ruffled about the way things are going at the moment, I feel tranquil. Maybe all the hard times I've been through are helping me stay steady now?
It seems like nothing stays the same for very long these days. I notice that my friends are also having to adapt and change their lives in order to keep the chaos at bay. Some friends I haven't spoken to in months because I know that they are going through something so big that they just can't multi-task friendships and the rest of their life at the same time. With other friends, it is me who is unable to give much energy out because I'm busy balancing myself. Is this wrong? My analytical side wants to know. Should I be better, stronger than this? Shouldn't I have a ton of energy to be giving out to everyone? Intuitively I know I'm doing the right thing by following my inner-guides, not forcing energy where it shouldn't be forced. Even with my family I can only give out a certain amount of my own personal energy. We are all, in some way, on our own.
When I got home from Spain last month, I thought it was important for me to stay on the same wave length that I'd been on there, and so decided to put myself onto an on-line dating site. I've tried them before off and on but never really gained much pleasure from them. Basically it's filling time. Although I haven't met anyone I'm interested in having a relationship with, they are all decent men with complex lives, baggage, and wisdom. Talking with them fulfills my curious desire to look at other people's lives and see how others live, to understand what their thoughts and realities are. It seems like no one lives a "normal" life anymore, everyone is adapting and having to find a rhythm of their own. No, I don't seem to be finding "the One", and it's maybe just not my time yet. Maybe it never will be? I'm starting to believe that there isn't such thing as "the One"; instead I believe that there are many people to love and learn from who are all beautiful and special in their own way. To be polyamorous is the epitome of adaptability, isn't it? It has to be, since nothing ever stays the same anyways, right? At this time I can honestly say that I'm enjoying my independence and singleness. In many ways the dissolve of my marriage and all that bad stuff that had me down for years seems like it was supposed to happen in order to get to this centered, stronger part within myself. The more alone I am, the more independent I become, the more content I feel with myself and the way I am leading my life. I smile inwardly more often now. I still question things on an individual basis to see how it fits within my life, but I'm not comparing myself to people nearly so often. I don't apologize for my actions and beliefs as much as I used to. A couple of the fellows I've been chatting with on the dating site actually aren't from here, they're from Spain. Even though it is virtual and my Spanish is choppy with tons of spelling errors, they don't seem to mind one bit. I recognize their positive outlook on life, although actually I know that life in Spain is anything but easy and predictable at the moment. I know maybe it sounds pathetic, but in a more selfish way it's also feeding my curiosity about people while keeping my own inner connections to Spain. Therefore, the little, seemingly superficial things also do account for creating some pleasure in one's life. The less I buy into the notion that I'm not successful unless I've got a big house, a big mortgage, a big car and a big family to rule over, the more ease I have in life. It's also been beneficial for me to stop tuning into the evening news-hour and reading mainstream newspapers. All that we hear and read is man-made and fabricated specifically to instill fear and frustration in society, and really enslaves people to accept things that, if you actually consider it, are UNacceptable. So I've stopped giving energy to all that BS. I feel best when I get to bed early and have a regular workout regime. I thrive when the sun shines. These are very simple standards for me to live my life by, and keeping it simple is allowing me to adapt to the bumps with more ease. With everything in the world changing so much, the only thing I can count on is myself. I feel calm.
Let's be honest: don't we all wish that life could be big and grand and hollywood-ish and colourful and luxurious and divine and CONSTANT and predictable? Ah, but that is the big fairy-tale that we've all bought into. Actually life is a little plain, unpredictable, and can be difficult at times. The ability to laugh and have fun, and yes, to live life simply with fewer expectations, makes it all easier.
So, anyone want to go dancing? :)
Charleen xo
so much I want to say, but right now, my head is not in that place you spoke of, where one can share a spread goodness and wisdom and support around, I am unbalanced right now but not horrifically so, just not me at the moment, not focusing, not steady, that's all. Loved your musings, have reached many of the same conclusions. I will write soon, I promise once again.
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