One Year

Sometimes the sadness still has such a control over me.  Sometimes, out of the blue, I get hit by something so intense and I have to hold on for dear life and fight with my Self to not let it destroy my entire day.  Yesterday afternoon in the middle of class the realization hit me that it's been one year today since my ex walked out on me.  I breathed out a deep sigh and folded over in my chair, the tears rimming my eyes threatening to fall right there in class, and I tried to fight off the feelings that had suddenly surrounded me.  Once again I felt the blackness coming down on all sides.  "No Charleen, no", I told myself.  "Don't go there.  Don't do this..."  I was supposed to go to a yoga class after school.  A yoga class that sometimes is also still shared with my ex.  It feels right to have a friendship with him.  As an Aquarius, that is very important to me.  But last night it was definitely wrong. 

But then I thought to myself: "That mother f-cker!  Why should he have the benefit of my friendship!!?" and anger replaced the looming darkness.  I started remembering how the day went down, and all the days that led up to it, and all the days I've experienced since then.  And I got pissed!  For as far as I've come since that awful day, I would be flat out lying if I told you that I didn't hold any resentment.  Some days I am just darn angry!  And to be honest I think this is a better way to feel than depressed.  So there has been some development that has been good for sure!  And some days I feel absolutely nothing.  I am so detached and free that I can't even believe that I once cared.  Which is why when the feelings do hit me out of no where I'm always so shocked, saddened, and overwhelmed still.  How much longer do I have to go before I'm totally over this, I wonder?  Last night was a tough night.  And as if he knew something was up, he called to see how I was.  He too had noticed the date on the calendar.  There is still a connection with him.  There always will be. 

But it's my life, and I want it back!

This morning I woke up with a brand new take on things. It's like my girlfriend Ranji said to me yesterday: "Don't be sad.  Think of all the things you have done for yourself this year!"  And damnit, she is right!  A little perspective is what is needed in these still challenging moments.  It has been one year.  One year and actually longer that I've been feeling like shit. One year that I've been heavy and hard on myself.  One year that I've been feeling like I'm unworthy of any good.  One year of psychological confusion.  One year of playing with a rubber band. One year of crying.

Well I am so friggin' over it!!  Finally at one year, I've woken up not with tears, but with fire in my heart.  The true Aquarian has come out - the part that says that this inhumane and cruel way of thinking and being is NOT GOOD FOR ME ANYMORE!  I want more from life!  I want happiness.  I want clarity.  And I think I should have it. It is as much mine as it is anyone else's, and it's been too long since I've really felt like I deserved it.  Well fuck that. 

And to help me ring in my new year, guess who's coming to visit me on Friday, my last day of school?  RIES!  Yep, all the way from Rotterdam to visit ME for the weekend.  If that doesn't make a girl feel good, then what does I ask you?

So thank GOD for my one year anniversary.  Because this is the moment of clarity I've been longing for.

Charleen xo