Every morning I experience the same thing. I wake up and don't know where I am, what city I'm in, or what room I'm in. When I first got back, I would wake up thinking I was in Barcelona. Some mornings I still wake up and I wonder why my room in Valencia looks so strange. Then it hits me that I'm not in Valencia. I am just a little confused these days.
Vancouver isn't the worst place on earth to wake up in, that's for sure. Considered a mild-weathered city by Canadian standards, I've only had to scrape the frost off my car windows twice so far. I've started running again, three times this week in fact. Mark's house is not too far away from the beach, and with all the paths that go around the city, living in an area that's accessible to them is pretty darn sweet. I have also gone to a few yoga classes. And we all love yoga, don't we? Through yoga I am learning how to quiet my mind. I've gotten addicted to the feeling of being physically challenged and mentally relaxed at the same time. Definitely positive.
And of course there's my TESL course that is keeping me super busy and clean. True to the vow I made to myself, I'm not letting myself get caught up by the things that kept me super pre-occupied before. I'm doing this because I know that I'm the type of person who gets easily distracted, and who has a hard time focussing for long periods of time (like anything over, say, an hour). I've not contacted too many friends at all, mostly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and have a chat, but also because I'm just not in the frame of mind to be chatty. During the week day hours I am fully in school, not even leaving the building during lunch hours. After school in the evening, if I'm lucky, I'll make it to a yoga class. But then it's straight home afterwards to read and prepare for the next day, and of course to make dinner which even seems challenging to do right now. Yesterday morning when I woke up confused and thinking I was still in Spain, I shook my head and then a second later, remembering the assignments I have due on Monday, literally crawled out of bed and went straight to my computer in my pajamas where I stayed for 5 hours. I didn't even pause to wash my face or brush my hair. Nope, I just got straight to it; I completed both of my assignments and organized my lesson plan for the class I'm supposed to teach tomorrow. I knew that if I stopped what I was doing for even one minute to call, skype, or even write a friendly email to anyone then I'd be toast! So now I have the rest of the entire weekend to do exactly what I want (ie: writing in my blog, giving myself a micro-current facelift, going to a movie, and doing a Sunday morning run). I need time to myself that is totally unscheduled, and thank goddess I was organized enough that I can now give myself exactly that. It's a hard course and can be very overwhelming. By the end of last week I had turned into a zombie, hardly speaking or participating in classroom discussions or group work. I think my teachers noticed it and tried to keep me awake by directly asking me for my input... Ugh. But hey! I am getting on with what I wanted to do, and knowing that provides me some relief from this intensity. I'm learning to do something I had never imagined I'd learn, and so of course the learning curve is huge. Do I have warm fuzzy dreams about some day becoming the best English teacher in the world? No, I admit I don't. But it feels good to be learning something new, and once I get into the swing of things I think it could be fun. I'm enjoying the inter-personal aspect of teaching. I sure don't enjoy or appreciate the amount of energy it takes my brain to create and then write out a lesson plan though. Painful, that. Painful because I have NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what I'm doing! I hope it'll get easier. It had better get easier.
In February I am definitely going to slam a tequila or three. You can bet on that! And it'll feel good because I will know that I have earned it. Earned the release. Earned the party. There is going to be a fantastic line-up of world class DJ's coming to town during the Olympics. I am looking forward to the Paul Van Dyk and Armin van Buuren concerts. And by then I'll be ready for them.
One of my favourite songs right now, I love to blast it in the car and drive real fast...
I heard someone recently say that Vancouverites spend the majority of their lives focussing on the negative aspects of positive situations. I think that pretty much sums it up, but I think Mother Nature should be held somewhat accountable for this. We all walk around like we're living under a dark cloud, and the actual fact is that we really are living under dark clouds, especially in the winter months. To keep our heads clear and focus on the very positive aspects of life in Vancouver is sometimes a challenge.
Oh yes, and true to Vancouver character, let us not forget to quickly discuss the negative aspects of a seemingly positive life. Vancouver also has what I didn't want to face - it has my "ex". Some might say "well you just need to let go of it", and believe me when I say that I would if I could. (Hallo? That's an "if" clause, using the modal verb "would", {which is also a past form of "will"}, plus the modal verb "could", to express a possible idea about the future, or to talk about a past action which has not actually happened at the time of speaking...) Old habits die hard, and I still sometimes find myself struggling with my feelings in regards to him. It always feels like rejection when I talk with him. For me this is confusing too, like I'm somehow addicted to feeling shitty. God, even just to think about it, and then to admit I'm thinking about it, makes me shake my head! But I want to be friends with him, obviously. I do remember that he was my best friend and closest confidant for 5 years, and that definitely adds to my confusion and loyalty factors now. The flip side is that I really wonder sometimes if we would be likely friends if it wasn't for our past. Lately it seems that I have no idea what planet he's from. It's like we don't even talk the same language anymore. I wonder: Did we ever? (We must have, right??)
The city is really charging up for the Olympics which start February 12. Already there are some road closures in town and the traffic situation is getting out of hand. It promises to be total chaos for those of us who live here, but probably will appear to be super organized and most likely will be a great experience for visitors to the city. The areas around the stadiums downtown and the north side of False Creek are all done up with special tents and pavillions. This morning when I went out for a run with my classmate, I remarked at how mild the weather is as we happily ran over the Cambie Street bridge and back. "I'm so glad there isn't any snow", I thought. But then I instantly felt a little guilty for not wanting snow. In a month's time, the city will seem entirely different and snow is what we'll need for the Olympics. It is a wild, surreal time for Vancouverites, for sure.
These days, the only thing that doesn't seem to make me feel confused is skyping with Ries. Yes, even with a 9 hour time difference and busy calendars, we have been able to reserve an hour for weekly skype calls with one another. Seeing his deep blue-grey eyes again and watching him smile and blush as I flirt with him... there is definitely no confusion there. I am clear on how I feel about him. He is my natural supply of Seratonin! Still I am amazed at our ability to communicate with one another, how well we do it, and that there is an attempt being made by both of us to make communication and clarity a priority. No sir, we don't have time to be confused. We don't have time for silly games. Talking with him makes me feel like I am being rewarded for my hard work and intentions in regards to relationship. Like the universe has finally brought me up to speed with my wishes. Of course there is a little bit of pain just knowing that we are not able to be together right now, and no one knows what will happen in the future. But in the moments where I feel overwhelmed, emotional, and wonder what the heck I'm doing taking a TESL course, all I have to do is bring my thoughts back to him and I feel happy.
Today there is no rain in Vancouver, and the weather is relatively warm - a balmy 10 degrees. Enough to make Vancouverites happy once again as they take to the fresh outdoors, sans umbrellas. There is always something to be happy and thankful for, even if we sometimes feel like we have to dig a little to find it. There is always something.
Charleen xo
No comments:
Post a Comment