A Real Story - Amsterdam Part II

I was dreaming that Ries was standing above me with his hand on my shoulder, willing me to wake up. My body was heavy like lead, and I couldn’t do so much as open one eye to acknowledge him. I dismissed his hand on my shoulder, and continued to deeply follow the paths and doorways further down into my dream. A familiar melody started seeping through the walls of the corridor I was following. “That’s funny”, I thought. “I know that from somewhere…” I couldn’t remember where. Slowly it dawned on me that it was the same music I’d heard yesterday, in that beautiful suite in... where was I? Amsterdam? Oh yes, now I am remembering. With that beautiful man… Ries. I looked back over my shoulder and saw the long passageway I’d just come down, then turned and started climbing back upwards, coming back into consciousness. Still heavy in my sleep, I had to struggle to remember where I was. My eyes twitched, and I realized the music was actually coming from inside the suite. I sighed and turned over, reaching out for Ries but couldn’t feel anything. I pried my eyes open and saw that he wasn’t there. I started to panic. The room was still dark, maybe he was elsewhere? I rolled back over, heavy-eyed and confused, and in the darkness saw the shape of Ries’ body coming down the stairs. Even in my groggy state, I sensed something was up. Something was not okay with my man.

He saw that I was starting to wake up and came to me at once. I stretched out my arms to hold him, and he curled up closely beside me, his head in the nape of my neck, his arms wrapped around my body. Without thinking my nurturing instincts kicked in, as can naturally happen to a woman when she is with a man she loves. Even as sleepy as I was, I said “What’s wrong, baby?” and I kissed his cheek which was salty and wet. He had been crying. He whispered “I am upset”. I held him tightly and rubbed his back and kissed his tears, wanting to make everything okay in his world again. He said “Oh Charleen, Charleen. What are we going to do?” Together we lay there wrapped around one another, as I tried to support him in his angst, all the while feeling the same sadness that he was feeling. Slowly I started to become more alert and realized that it was daylight outside, probably around 10:30 in the morning. In our embrace we stayed together for close to two hours, consoling one another and talking quietly and slowly waking up with James Blunt playing in the background. We talked about the possibilities of life, the directions we were each going in, and how it could be if we were together. Nothing is set in stone, we knew that much. It was all we were able to conclude on that Monday morning in Amsterdam. For the moment, it was wonderful just to be together, to be holding one another in that incredibly cozy king-sized bed, and to wake up side by side with one another.  To try to figure out the complexities of weaving our very different lives together was heavy, and we wanted to experience light. We slowly turned on some of the lights. Each resilient in our own way, we let go of the sadness and started being happy again, giggling and laughing and cracking jokes, and talking about what we should do with our day. Then we actually stopped to look at the clock and realized it was 12:00 noon! Oh no! Ries started to panic, knowing that our check-out time was right then. Once again we’d let the time slip away from us. I said “Just call the front desk and ask them if we can stay longer, honey” and with that he swiftly rolled across the bed and reached for the phone again. I playfully climbed onto his back and nuzzled his ear while he spoke Dutch to the hotel staff. “No problem!” they said. We were allowed to stay on for another hour. Oh! Another glorious hour to be together! How lucky we felt, and we laughed with delight as we wrapped ourselves back up in the blankets again. It was so hard to pull ourselves away from the comforts of that room, our hideaway. Our lodge in the snowy mountains far away from everyone, our little grass hut on a beach in the middle of nowhere.

After leaving the hotel, we dropped our bags off at the car and tried to decide which direction to walk in. We wanted to search out the perfect place to enjoy brunch together. Together we decided to head south along the canal, me still taking pictures the entire way, wanting to remember every minute detail of that Amsterdam Monday.

There are so many great places to enjoy a meal in Amsterdam, swanky or quirky, creative or classic, you can take your pick. We continued to stroll until Ries intuitively decided on an artsy place that was stylish and atmospheric yet classy, with shallow candles on every table and mirrored walls with mahogany trim. Café-Restaurant Herengracht. http://www.deherengracht.nl/

As we stepped inside, I curiously glanced around the room and noticed how “Dutch” everyone looked, with their distinctive jaw lines and reddish tint in their fair hair. How wonderful it is to see the beauty in people, I thought! Always in search of the best spot to gratify our senses, we chose a double table upstairs, and side by side we relaxed into the leather seating, our booth giving us a superior view over the entire restaurant. As soon as we sat down it hit us. We were famished! We ordered a bottle of water (flat) and an espresso for me, a double-espresso for him. Brunch could have been a variety of pastas, seafood, steak tartar, or gourmet salads, but I chose a plate of haddock with creamy potatoes and anchovies, while Ries ordered a fine German steak. We were appreciative of the professional staff that never lingered too long at our table, but always knew to be discreetly there when we needed them. It was almost as if they were an extension of the perfect weekend we’d spent together, as if they were making it their priority to create our brunch in the same spirit that we’d held onto all weekend, the two happy love-birds who seemed very easy to please. There we lingered and lounged for another two hours, the same nonstop conversation that was now very ordinary for us, the twinkles in our eyes, the sparks between our lips, his arm around my waist constantly pulling me close, my hand on his thigh or my arm draped casually about his broad shoulders, leaning into him, shifting from one side to the other, telling stories, ordering more espresso, imagining the future, reminiscing about the past, people watching, sharing our meals, laughing, and really getting deep into that feeling. That feeling of love and lightness and like nothing in the world could bring us down. We felt it all. We reveled in it.

Oh, but I could have spent the rest of the day in that fine little restaurant in Amsterdam, snuggled in my lover’s arms, whispering sweet nothings and playing together. But I had a plane to catch. Reality was starting to sink in as we made our way back to the car and drove out onto the highway to Schipol Airport, Ries playing music the entire time, still dancing in his seat, still singing out all the lyrics. There was no rain on that Monday, and it seemed that the heavens were cooperating to give us everything we wanted.  See the fun youtube clip below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz7XoQDfYG8

It was almost too good to be true – there were no weird moments, no periods of being creeped out by one another, or times where we were flustered or turned off by some quirky trait or idiosyncrasy. It was one of the happiest weekends I’ve ever had in my life, and I think Ries will agree that it was for him too. At the airport we hugged and cried openly, promising to see one another again, come hell or high water. I went through the security gates turning around every few seconds to see him still standing there waving, as if he wanted to support me with every step that I took farther and farther away from him.

What is that, when two people are absolutely on the same page about everything? Is that God playing a trick on us? Is it a dangler, a teaser just put out in the universe to mock us? Are the angels sitting back and eating popcorn, having a good chuckle at our expense? Are we their Hollywood movie, the one about the two adults from two separate countries, two separate lives, spending one weekend together? Of course you do wonder about these things, but the reality of it is this: we had found a soul mate in one another. It was as if we had known one another all along, and had finally been given the chance to see each other again after all this time apart. We wanted nothing but happiness. We wanted nothing more than to try to make it work. We wanted nothing more than to have an awesome weekend together. And as it turns out, it was very simple to do. Was it something that was meant for forever, or was it a fleeting chance to see what love looked like again? We don’t know, but whatever it was, and whatever it is, we are infinitely grateful for it.

How many soul mates can one person have? Are we only meant to be with one person? I don’t know the answers to that, and I have been searching all my life for an answer to that question and other deeper questions like it. At this moment in time, all I can come up with is this: that we do not have just one soul mate, that we have several, and they do not just have to be a “romantic” partner. My best friend is my soul mate, my twin sister is my soul mate. And Ries is my soul mate. That is all I can make out. But I am such a child really. In this vast cosmos, in this massive universe, how can we possibly claim to know all that there is? How can any of us possibly have all the answers from our standpoint on this tiny star, on this insignificant planet called Earth? The only thing that we can truly be led by is our heart. Our minds will always play tricks on us and make us believe what other people want us to believe. Only our hearts can speak the truth. And while we can’t put it into words, we know within the deepest parts of our Selves, inside our cells, that which is a love vibration and that which is a hate vibration. So all we really have when you slice through all the garbage, all the crap that weighs us down and makes the world seem so bleak, is that one true vibration. A pure resonance. We have Love. Perhaps it was all we were ever meant to choose. Perhaps it was all we were ever meant to experience.

I know all this and yet I am as much a human imperfection as the next person. My mind still toys with me. It makes me question my future, and makes me feel badly about the past. What will I do in the next coming months? How will my life be, and what direction should I choose for myself? I still don’t have the answers. I only know this one thing: I have felt love again. And for what it was worth, I have grown because of it.

Charleen xo