My solo beach blanket and towel back at Kalamalka Lake, Vernon, BC
It’s true I didn’t exactly ask for my freedom. I mean, how can it be possible to make a request for something that is such an inherent part of me, and that has been all along? Heck, even while I was “committed” to someone, I played the freedom card at all costs, claiming that my independence and my journey were paramount to all other endeavours, and one should be ready for a fight if trying to get in my way of that quest.
Yes, so important has been my mission for freedom that I often hurt others without apologizing. Well jeese let's face it, I even hurt myself. To party hard enough that you puke all night long and into the next couple of days is definitely about freedom, it’s definitely about my right to make my own choices. To hang out with countless men without committing to any of them even though they might want me to is all about freedom, and at the same time it is absolutely hurtful. Yet still I can't seem to stop myself. Freedom. At what point will I jump off this band wagon and start cheering for some other important cause? Be it for poverty, perhaps for women’s rights… but when will I stop waving the flag for my own freedom?
As soon as I ask the question, an answer comes straight back as a resounding “NEVER”. Okay, I accept that answer. I guess I know deep down that ,being an Aquarian, this will always be a great part of who i am. But there is also another part of me that has starting hinting that perhaps I can do this a little differently?
Making freedom and personal experience my sole cause for my existence has definitely hurt some people along the way. My ex-husband is the one who I have hurt the most. When I think of the things that I did all in my pursuit for freedom, I can see why he became disenchanted with me. Being as free as I am, I have had a lot of alone time to run over the episodes of our marriage over and over again in my head. I no longer can say that I think this was his entire fault. No. I think it was mine, too.
Now I have all the freedom I could ever ask for in the world. I come and go as I please and I rarely make commitments to anyone. Instead, my RSVP is “Hmmm, I have to see how I feel…" I hope that invitations for friendship aren’t caked in ultimatums or expectations, and I have to say that my friends have been pretty good about letting me go down this little path on my own. Still there remains a huge part of me that won't allow me to settle down with anyone who might try to suggest that the way I live my life should be adjusted. “FREEDOM AT ALL COSTS!” my inner Joan of Arc screams to the sky with her fist held high! “Okay okay, Char, we get it. You have your freedom, but now what are you going to do with it?” my gentle guides reply to me. They are not asking me to give up my freedom. They are asking me to manage what I’ve created just a little better, that’s all.
So here I am on another road trip that I’ve taken by myself, up in the Okanagan alone. Although I feel more social these days, this feeling is only relative to my recent past feelings of needing to cut off from everyone and not give a rat’s ass about it. I am still fairly hard to pin down and I know this. My good friend Yota and her family are also up here in Vernon for the long weekend and I went and spent the evening with her and her friends last night. It was nice for the first couple of hours. After that I had to struggle to not run out the door to freedom, away from the pressure and away from anything that looked remotely like keeping up with the Jones’. But staying there and forcing myself to be social for a change actually gave me another chance to take a better look at things. Was this really what was happening, or was it just me projecting my own crap onto these simple and happy people? I think it could have been a bit of both but I also know that it is me who creates my reality. So I stayed and I enjoyed myself. One evening, phew! I got through it!
There is a price to be paid for my freedom. To be honest, it means that some days I’m just plain old lonely. It means that often I won’t be on the same level as others because I’ve been dancing to the beat of my own drum for so long. It means that, even if there are any single girlfriends out there who could be free to come with me for a long weekend getaway, we are on such different schedules that we couldn’t have made the time to discuss possibilities for fun in the Okanagan together. It also means that I get sad, I admit. It means that sometimes, especially on the last day of my cycle, I get teary eyed and think that the world is against me, and I tell myself silly things like “Wahhhh! No one understands me!!!” Well the actual fact is that this is what I’ve created for myself. Freedom. I asked for it and now I’ve got it.
But hey, it also means some pretty cool things too! Like being able to take a siesta in the middle of the afternoon (like right after I finish writing this entry, for example), it means not having to wait for someone else’s schedule to get clear so that things can get done (and just in the way I like them to get done, too!). It means having real downtime and a vacation weekend by simply taking off my watch and going by my intuition only, and letting my feelings lead me to my next experience. It means not holding back if I don’t want to. It means absolutely bowing out if I have to. It means meeting people who I want to befriend, it means leaving the party when the scene doesn't tickle my fancy. Freedom. It's not such a bad thing. I think it's actually a very good thing.
Skaha Lake, Penticton, BC
Soooo waarrrrrm!
So I think the answer to this thoughtful path of mine is to continue to find a balance, to practice moderation, and to try not to hurt anyone along the way. Because freedom is about choosing what’s right for me, but it doesn't necessarily mean I have to be in solitude to do that. As I get to know myself and love myself more each day, I know that the ultimate commitment is always going to be to myself. Still, it can’t possibly hurt to start to include others in my journey just a little, now can it?
My good friend Maggie is over in Princeton this weekend. So I think I'm going to mosey on down Highway 97 and maybe see if she's available. This hot Okanagan sun is good for more than just sun-tanning. It warms you right through to your bones, right through to your heart. And I don't think I have to be alone anymore. :)
Love, Charleen xo
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