The Price of Freedom

My solo beach blanket and towel back at Kalamalka Lake, Vernon, BC

It’s true I didn’t exactly ask for my freedom.  I mean, how can it be possible to make a request for something that is such an inherent part of me, and that has been all along?  Heck, even while I was “committed” to someone, I played the freedom card at all costs, claiming that my independence and my journey were paramount to all other endeavours, and one should be ready for a fight if trying to get in my way of that quest.

Yes, so important has been my mission for freedom that I often hurt others without apologizing.  Well jeese let's face it, I even hurt myself.  To party hard enough that you puke all night long and into the next couple of days is definitely about freedom, it’s definitely about my right to make my own choices.  To hang out with countless men without committing to any of them even though they might want me to is all about freedom, and at the same time it is absolutely hurtful.  Yet still I can't seem to stop myself.  Freedom.  At what point will I jump off this band wagon and start cheering for some other important cause?  Be it for poverty, perhaps for women’s rights… but when will I stop waving the flag for my own freedom?

As soon as I ask the question, an answer comes straight back as a resounding “NEVER”.  Okay, I accept that answer.  I guess I know deep down that ,being an Aquarian, this will always be a great part of who i am.  But there is also another part of me that has starting hinting that perhaps I can do this a little differently?

Making freedom and personal experience my sole cause for my existence has definitely hurt some people along the way.  My ex-husband is the one who I have hurt the most.  When I think of the things that I did all in my pursuit for freedom, I can see why he became disenchanted with me.  Being as free as I am, I have had a lot of alone time to run over the episodes of our marriage over and over again in my head.  I no longer can say that I think this was his entire fault.  No.  I think it was mine, too.

Now I have all the freedom I could ever ask for in the world.  I come and go as I please and I rarely make commitments to anyone.  Instead, my RSVP is “Hmmm, I have to see how I feel…"  I hope that invitations for friendship aren’t caked in ultimatums or expectations, and I have to say that my friends have been pretty good about letting me go down this little path on my own.  Still there remains a huge part of me that won't allow me to settle down with anyone who might try to suggest that the way I live my life should be adjusted.  “FREEDOM AT ALL COSTS!” my inner Joan of Arc screams to the sky with her fist held high!  “Okay okay, Char, we get it.  You have your freedom, but now what are you going to do with it?” my gentle guides reply to me.  They are not asking me to give up my freedom.  They are asking me to manage what I’ve created just a little better, that’s all.

So here I am on another road trip that I’ve taken by myself, up in the Okanagan alone.  Although I feel more social these days, this feeling is only relative to my recent past feelings of needing to cut off from everyone and not give a rat’s ass about it.  I am still fairly hard to pin down and I know this.  My good friend Yota and her family are also up here in Vernon for the long weekend and I went and spent the evening with her and her friends last night.  It was nice for the first couple of hours.  After that I had to struggle to not run out the door to freedom, away from the pressure and away from anything that looked remotely like keeping up with the Jones’.  But staying there and forcing myself to be social for a change actually gave me another chance to take a better look at things.  Was this really what was happening, or was it just me projecting my own crap onto these simple and happy people?  I think it could have been a bit of both but I also know that it is me who creates my reality.  So I stayed and I enjoyed myself.  One evening, phew!  I got through it!

There is a price to be paid for my freedom.  To be honest, it means that some days I’m just plain old lonely.  It means that often I won’t be on the same level as others because I’ve been dancing to the beat of my own drum for so long.  It means that, even if there are any single girlfriends out there who could be free to come with me for a long weekend getaway, we are on such different schedules that we couldn’t have made the time to discuss possibilities for fun in the Okanagan together.  It also means that I get sad, I admit.  It means that sometimes, especially on the last day of my cycle, I get teary eyed and think that the world is against me, and I tell myself silly things like “Wahhhh!  No one understands me!!!”   Well the actual fact is that this is what I’ve created for myself.  Freedom.  I asked for it and now I’ve got it.

But hey, it also means some pretty cool things too!  Like being able to take a siesta in the middle of the afternoon (like right after I finish writing this entry, for example), it means not having to wait for someone else’s schedule to get clear so that things can get done (and just in the way I like them to get done, too!).  It means having real downtime and a vacation weekend by simply taking off my watch and going by my intuition only, and letting my feelings lead me to my next experience.  It means not holding back if I don’t want to.  It means absolutely bowing out if I have to.  It means meeting people who I want to befriend, it means leaving the party when the scene doesn't tickle my fancy.  Freedom.  It's not such a bad thing.  I think it's actually a very good thing.

 

Skaha Lake, Penticton, BC

Soooo waarrrrrm!

So I think the answer to this thoughtful path of mine is to continue to find a balance, to practice moderation, and to try not to hurt anyone along the way.  Because freedom is about choosing what’s right for me, but it doesn't necessarily mean I have to be in solitude to do that.  As I get to know myself and love myself more each day, I know that the ultimate commitment is always going to be to myself.  Still, it can’t possibly hurt to start to include others in my journey just a little, now can it? 

My good friend Maggie is over in Princeton this weekend.  So I think I'm going to mosey on down Highway 97 and maybe see if she's available.  This hot Okanagan sun is good for more than just sun-tanning.  It warms you right through to your bones, right through to your heart.  And I don't think I have to be alone anymore.    :)

Love, Charleen xo

Sticks and Stones

Finally it's warm enough to set up for writing on my patio.  :)

In recent days I have felt the brunt of a silly little game called Envy.  Envy takes form in many shapes and sizes, but recently I've experienced it in the form of name calling, control-freaking, and general attitude about what a free woman should and shouldn't be allowed to do.  As if an adult woman needs to ask for permission any more than an adult man should!  I can hear everyone getting their guard up as they read these words.  But even if we don't like to admit it, we all know there is still a very strong double-standard in this world that still gives men a right to almost anything without so much as even considering it twice.  It's total BS actually, and recently I've seen just how double-standard it can get.  As much as I know that those words said against me aren't true, and as much as I want to say they don't hurt me, the truth is, well, they kinda do.  I always feel bad when someone calls me down or accuses me of being someone or something I'm not.  No matter how hard I try not to care, their words still haunt me.

Still learning how to love myself, I've recently picked up a book by Byron Katie "Loving What Is".  She says that "the only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is".  I sometimes still find myself giving so much energy to what I "think" is happening that I don't get to see it too clearly that often.  This is my lesson: to not make a judgment based on a negative assumption about what is happening.  Because normally it isn't that way at all; what we think is happening isn't.  Only our perception stops us from seeing it clearly.  Only our perception causes us to feel as bad as we do about the thoughts we're having.  And we create our reality based on the fearful thoughts we're having or are trying to fight off.

So how to stay above it all?  Well, I think the one thing that is really important for me these days is to start haning around again with enlightened people who dig me for me, dig my story, dig what I'm doing on the planet at this time.  If someone is going to argue with me or to try to get me to stop what I'm doing by criticizing me or getting angry at me (just so that they don't have to look at their insecurities any longer), then I probably shouldn't hang out with them any longer.  Male or Female.  End of story. And perhaps we were all only meant to share paths with others for a short time?  I don't know, but at this point in my life I can't sit around and consider these types of things for long anymore because it destroys all the hard work I've done over the past couple of years, almost three now. 

Talking about work, my place of employment has also been a place of serious confusion and stress over the past few months, and I don't think it's going to get any better soon.  To sum up a very long story, recently my company went through a merger with a bigger American company, all in the area of coal mining.  This was said to be a very good deal and it was something that we were quite excited about, albeit very nervous about how the actual integration of the two companies would work.  My boss didn't make it through the merger, and so my position changed quite a lot; I felt I no longer had the focus on the specific job I was hired to do and that I wanted to do, but instead work seemed to becoming very general, very non-specific, very boring.  Still all those around me seemed to be picking up speed.  I asked our HR department several times for a change in my work scenario and finally two weeks ago I received it.  I am now, ontop of the other areas that I'm working in, am back working in the legal department of the company.  It is something I'm not completely attached to and may be for the interim only as I know they are looking for a fulltime LA.  That's fine - I wanted to be busier and I got it!  In the meantime though, there has been a lot of back-stabbing and whispering (this time by evious women, not envious men) who have not won their battle, but definitely have made it difficult for some of us to work at our full capacity.  Others are vying for a piece of the pie and stomping all over everyone to get it.  Everyone's nerves have been shot, tons of outstanding questions unanswered, and we're all just hanging on in there to see what will happen.  I can't say that I haven't been putting my feelers out there again because I have been.  Looking for work again is not something I relish but there is some writing on the wall that can't be ignored.  Three of our EA team have quit and found work elsewhere (that's why I'm picking up the work in the legal department again), and just last week, right before we all left for the Canada Day long weekend, our CEO resigned.  That one hit really hard and I wonder now how many changes there will be trailing behind that announcement.  Still, something is psychically telling me to hang on in there for a bit longer.  It will be another super stressful couple of months at work, I can tell.  Not sure where this shoe will drop...

You'd think my weekend getaway to TO would be enough to calm my nerves.  But of course under these current pressures it wasn't.  So with the hubbub that went down with my men "friends", and the pressure at work all consuming, and an overall feeling of of just wanted to stick my middle finger up in the air to the entire world, I decided to take a mini-vacation BY MYSELF.  Again.  Sigh.  I know it seems like I take a lot of vacations by myself.  It is good for my soul and stress free, I can come and go as I please, be spontaneous and do whatever I want in the moment as I feel it, and listen to my Self again.  So why wouldn't I?

This time it was back to the Okanagan, where the only responsibility I had was to my sister's cat!  My sister and nephew were away themselves and so it was perfect timing for me to get up there again for a break.  And I don't know why or what it is, but whenever I hit the open road, crank the trance music, and feel the speed of my car tires cruising over the Coquihalla Highway, I always get emotional.  Like I'm driving away from the stress of things, like I'm driving to my Self again, back to clarity, back to where my shoulders are sitting back down where they're supposed to and not up around my ears.  Back to deep breathing.  When I'm driving, I suddenly get flashbacks, memories and very clear visions of why things are the way they are.  And with a mixture of sadness, relief, and joy, the tears start flowing.  I am thankful for that kind of special release, and that I'm able to do things like that for myself.

The Open Road - Highway 97 between Kelowna and Penticton

I knew the weather was going to be great this past weekend in the OK, so packed several pair of shorts and my bikini, and got out on the highway Thursday by noon to miss the traffic.  As soon as I got to the junction of north and south Highway 97, I decided right then in that moment to turn south and haul down the beautiful, lake side highway to Summerland, where I stopped in at 8th Generation Wineries, a place I was happy to have found because I knew they absolutely have some of the yummiest Pinot Grigio I've ever tasted!

8th Generation Estates

mmm....

As my sister and nephew were flying off for the weekend themselves, I just made it in time to the Kelowna Airport to see them off!  Then I continued north to Vernon, where I was happy to see my sister's cat, Griffin, and to set up my computer for writing, take a long hot shower, and drink a glass of wine before tucking myself into bed at 10:00 pm.

Griffin.  A very cool cat.

The next day was Canada Day, and although it wasn't a beach day I got a lot done: I went grocery shopping for some healthy meals I could prepare myself in my sister's enormous kitchen, I finally wrote for my blog, I took a long siesta with Griffin, and then later in the day I went out to Funtastic, an annual baseball tournament and music festival held in Vernon every Canada Day long weekend.  My brother's band, Lefty, was playing, and I have to say I was pretty impressed!  Here I thought I was going to have to sit through death metal, but no.  It was just good ol' rock n roll!

Lefty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfZlUs0ihxY

Parking my car in the grass field and then walking through the beer gardens to grab a beer for my brother and me was like a flashback to the 80's when I was a teenager living in the East Kootenays.  It was hilarious, and very humbling actually.  People have good lives in the interior.  It is much simpler, but good. 

Saturday though was a full-on beach day, thank GOD!  I was up early with my beach bag ready and a bit bottle of water, and I hit Kalamalka Lake by 9:30 in the morning.  It was fresh-tracks at the beach people!! Just my footprints can be seen in this photo!  It was glorious!  Of course the tranquility didn't last for long because shortly thereafter the beach got hit hard with families and their kids and all their extended families who also had the same idea for their long weekend.  But that's ok.  It was nice to lie there by myself, doze, people watch, take pictures...

Kalamalka Lake - as viewed from the top of the hill

The temperature got up to 28 celsius that day and it was super sweet!  After lying out for about three hours, I treated myself to a little bit of shopping (aka: air conditioning!), and then home for lunch with Griffin, but then by 2:30 or so I was out at another beach, Kin Lake.  I stayed for only a couple of hours and then got the urge to taste some wine.  So I got up right then and there, all sweaty and sticky from sunscreen, jumped into my car again and drove off down the highway spontaneously to another winery.  This time it was Grey Monk nestled on the back side of the mountains inbetween Kelowna and Vernon.  It was so friggin' beautiful I could have stayed forever.  But instead I bought a bottle of port and some port glasses and drove home to finish up my blog post.

To get to Grey Monk you have to take a little windy back road, which also passes some other beautiful wineries and some amazing hill-side homes too.  I thought I was in heaven.

Grey Monk!

The view from their patio

Awesome, huh?  I know...

The weekend was so breezy and care-free, I really got a feel for my singleness.  I enjoy hanging out with myself, and prefer it to having to wait for others or to make choices and decisions based on what others want to do.  This past weekend was simply for ME.  I strongly recommend a weekend like it for everyone if you can do it. 

Last but not least, Mission Hill Winery!  Kelowna, BC

I was fortunate enough that, in my spontaneity, my sister-in-law and niece could meet me on top of the hill as well that day!  It was a last minute phone call but I knew it might be my only chance to see them, as I needed to hit the road back to Vancity to get ahead of the traffic.  It was so great to see them both!  My brother was working but met us for lunch afterwards.  The weather on Sunday was sunny and warm, but had cloudy periods and so wasn't a full beach day.  Perfect for the drive home though. 

Sophie!  xoxo

My sister-in-law, Joanne, my niece Sophie, and Me tasting reds at Mission Hill

Greg met us afterwards for lunch - here's his family pic!

As you can see it was a full weekend, but very relaxed and very very nice.  I started this post with some negative news, stuff that you might find quite depressing.  But here's how life goes: sometimes shit happens.  You get over it and you move on.  And with sunshine, beach, and some great BC wines, it certainly makes it a lot easier, wouldn't you agree?  :) 

PS- just a little side note: last week I also had a visit from my other niece, Raeleen!  She was in town for a track meet and was able to take some time to come downtown for dinner with me!  She's a superstar!  It was great to see her too!

Raeleen and me out for dinner at Ki last week

A toast to summer!

Charleen xo

June Gloom

Toronto, ON - looking south down Yonge Street

June Gloom is what Californian’s call the hazy cloud that covers that state in the later part of May and into June, and which makes you think that it’s a very gloomy, cold day.  The thing about June Gloom though is that the “gloom” always burns off by about 1:00 in the afternoon revealing bright, bold sunshine and blue skies, and makes everyone smile again.

Well here in Vancouver we have been experiencing June Gloom pretty much all day and every day since the winter, but without the afternoon burn-off.  People are very unhappy about it; depressed, anxious, bitchy towards one another, and generally cranky about everything.   We blame Mother Nature completely for the awful weather, but the reality is that there can never be any relief in that type of blame.  For how can you blame something or someone who really doesn’t exist at all?  I often feel the need to get away from things, but at the beginning of June the weather was still so crappy that I decided enough was enough and bought myself a ticket to Toronto to visit my good friend Donna.  I needed to shake out the cobwebs and wanted to feel the night life there, but it also happened to be the same weekend that she was celebrating her 40^th birthday, which gave me even more reason to go.  Donna is a good friend, one of my oldest friends, and she and I have each been around the block more than a few times.   We met at work back in the 90’s and have remained solid friends since then even though we actually didn’t work together for long.  Well anyways, let’s just say Donna is always good to go for a party, and we made the weekend a big one. 

Donna making martinis

Donna lives in a high-rise apartment on Toronto’s famous Yonge Street, and her home gives her an excellent view of all Toronto.  After arriving at Pearson Airport, I made my way through the city to meet her there on a Friday night.  She was prepared for the start of our weekend long celebration together, and had made delicious Cosmopolitan martinis just like the ones the girls and I used to drink back in the day.  It was a welcoming gesture, and we festively got ready for our girls-night-out by playing loud house music and sipping Cosmos, chatting, laughing, and telling stories.

taweet-tawwooooo!

The great thing about Toronto is that if you don’t want to use their excellent transportation system to get around (subway or trolley car), then you can just step out onto the street and hail a cab NYC style any time of the day.  Our destination for the evening was Sotto Sotto, a very cool Italian restaurant in the Yorkville section of town, and a place where many celebrities dine during the Toronto International Film Festival.  My biggest beef about Vancouver, and you’ve all heard me whine about it before, is that the night life sucks!  Well in Toronto there is no lack of it, and there’s no lack of people to go out and enjoy it with either!  Donna’s girlfriend, Emily, had planned a girls-night-out-dinner, and for me it was so sweet to get dressed up and don the high heels and pull out the fancy hand bags for.  Honestly, I’d almost forgotten how to do it!  All the girls were super fun and sexy, powerful and intuitive, and we had a wonderful dinner together.  Oh, and the restaurant was excellent too!

www.sottosotto.ca

Afterwards we went for a cocktail at Privé just down the street, a hip-hop lounge where everyone looked flash!  All the other girls were thoroughly enjoying the atmosphere and the music.  It was a good crowd I have to admit, but who can listen to hip hop for an entire night?  Donna and I drank one drink, looked at each other and knew what we had to do.  We kissed everyone on each cheek, grabbed our jackets, and flagged down another cab.  Because after all, there’s no sense in going all the way to Toronto to listen to bad music!  No sir, Donna and I had another idea in mind.  It was called a “David Morales at Maison” kind of idea!  So for the rest of the evening we danced until literally we couldn’t walk anymore (about 4:00 a.m.) and the straps of our sandals cut into our swollen feet giving us blisters on all sides.  I guess the martinis and the vodka-with–sodas probably helped us to not feel our feet until it was almost too late!  But we didn’t care, and it was so worth it!  Maison is a moderate sized night club, decked out, and with an outdoor Barcelona -style terrace for those long, hot Toronto nights.  One of the last times I had seen David Morales was at Cavo Paradisio on Mykonos, and that was years ago.  The big, hunky, gay, tattooed stud did not let us down, let’s just say that.  He just kept on spinning the funky beats and the entire crowd was just one big perma- grin.  We partied like we were still 30 years old - it was a great night!

Um, who is this rock star?  Does anyone know? He seemed miffed that I didn't...? 

Donna 'n me (remember her?)

Back stage with David Morales

Our aching feet!

And there’s another great thing about Toronto: when you go out, people are nice to one another.  I mean they actually talk with you and wish you well.  Go figure, huh?  They don’t shove by you or act like they are better than you.  All the pretentiousness and coldness of the Vancouver night life is hundreds of miles away while you’re in Toronto, and you remember that it is normal to go out and have a good time whatever your age, whatever your style!  Three cheers for Toronto! 

Thunder storm over Toronto

The next day, even though we were completely hung-over, we now 40-something year olds woke up relatively early, ate a healthy breakfast and re-capped the evening while watching the thunder showers and lightning fall upon the city of Toronto.  I had been told that TO thunder-showers can be quite the sight, and I have to admit it was pretty amazing to watch.  The thunder booms so loudly that you’d think it happened right next to your head, and the entire sky lights up creating quite a dramatic visual of the city.  The storm didn’t last long though, and we were off by subway to Queen Street West for shopping and lunch.  Donna bought a couch (yes, a couch!), and I bought a dress.  Then Donna’s sister, Julie, met us for lunch in the park, and we watched the funky people walk by.  There are so many people living in Toronto that anyone can afford to create their own style and step out exactly the way they want.  I really dig that.  I really dig Toronto.   

Queen Street West

Julie and Donna



After heading back to Donna’s apartment for a well-needed siesta, later that evening we took the subway back downtown to her boyfriend’s place where he was waiting for us with a delicious home-made spaghetti dinner, and martinis similar to the ones we were drinking the night before.   Donna and Pete have been dating for a few months now and it was plain to see that they were both smitten with one another.  Pete was a real gentleman, and a lot of fun to party with too.  The destination: Guvernment.   It is one of Toronto’s largest night clubs and hosts the world’s biggest DJ’s.  Therefore it also pulls in the largest crowds.  Above and Beyond were playing, and even though I’d also seen them only weeks before at the Commodore in Vancouver, I was still excited to be seeing them again.  That night they absolutely blew the top off the place, and I can easily say that I have NEVER been to a party quite as wild and out of control as that one.  I’m still shocked, but not shocked enough to never go back again.  No, I’d definitely go back!  But next time I will be more mentally prepared to deal with the crowd.  Wowza! Another two-thumbs up!

Toronto at night

Pete and Donna

 

Guvnernment!

Donna, Pete, me

The next day, even more knackered than the day before, the sun was shining bright and the heat was on.  A balmy 26 degrees, and Donna and I got on our shorts and flip flops and made for The Beaches, a part of Toronto farther east and along the Great Lake.  Someone had said to me once: “Why would you go to The Beaches?  It’s crap, no one goes there…”, but after going and seeing the area myself, I am now starting to think that that person has no idea what she was talking about.  I loved it!  There was tons of beach space for people who want to lay out and get their summer roasts on, and probably about 60 volleyball nets for those who don't!  A sea wall/jogging path that goes for miles is well connected to Queen Street East which boasts tons of groovy little eateries and pubs, which again is all connected via trolley cars to downtown.  It was a super hot day and we had a breezy, laid back afternoon together.  I even dipped my toes into the water for good measure.  Then later on that afternoon it was more browsing and shopping on Queen Street.

Queen Street East

The Beaches

It was a quick trip but I think both Donna and I can say that the girls deserve a weekend like that every now and again.  I used to think Toronto was a place full of snobs and closed-minded people, and way too crowded to really have any fun.  Well I was wrong.  Toronto Rocks!

Thompson, Sharon, Brad, and Shayda



Back in Vancouver though, the weather definitely has not warmed up or resemble anything near what I think a summer should look like.  My brother and family from Victoria did come over for dinner one night and the sun stayed out long enough so that we could enjoy a BBQ on my back patio, which was awesome!

Out on the Street - Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs

Of course I do need to mention the Stanley Cup playoffs in this posting, the final series specifically, when the city of Vancouver became an absolutely Party-Fest every night of the week, a la: Canada vs. USA in the 2010 Olympics.  I’m sure I’m the only one in the city that doesn’t now own a Canuck’s jersey, as everyone in Vancouver even started wearing theirs to work!  We were very stoked, and even I admit I was very optimistic about the outcome.  I will always remember Game 5 specifically, when it seemed everyone in the city was drinking and partying, including yours truly.  A spontaneous outing with a handful of my workmates proved to be a night to remember.  Yes, even I finally jumped on the band wagon to celebrate what we all thought was definitely going to end in the Canucks taking home the Stanley Cup.  Well, do I really need to say much more about that?  I think the only thing I will say is that everything that happened afterwards in our city is so completely embarrassing and disgusting that I find it difficult to speak about without getting angry.  I can also easily say that those weren’t Vancouverites destroying our city.  No, that was riff-raff from the suburbs.  Scum really.  Too bad we live so close to them.

But let’s not talk about that, shall we?  Ahem…

At the Vancouver International Jazz Festival

Car Free Day - Commercial Drive

Danielle and Me at Jazz Fest

With no beach weather in sight, I’ve started looking around for other things to do, such as getting out to festivals and street-markets.  Car-Free Day on Commercial Drive was fun, and also The Jazz Festival has just started.  Danielle and I went down last weekend to play in the streets. 

For me work has started becoming more and more stressful as each week goes by, and without the sunshine to help get you through the doldrums, it makes it hard for everyone to remain open and cheerful.   But I see all around me that there’s no lack of enthusiasm for summer, and everyone is endlessly optimistic that we will have one.  Let’s hope July will bring out the sunshine! 

 Love, Charleen xo