New West Coast Experiences

This past weekend was full of hiking and festivals. Now I am starting to get into the freedom and independence that makes being single a really great thing.

After doing the BCMC trail last week, I couldn't wait to get up there again on Saturday morning and asked my good friend Maggie to join me. Maggie is from Vancouver and has never done the Grind or BCMC, or been up to Grouse Mountain at all. She just thought it was always too cliche to bother hiking it. She impressed herself fully by completing the hike in an hour and a half, and I was very impressed by her good nature.  Some people hit a wall early when climbing Grouse Mountain, and then whine and complain all the way up.  But not Maggie. She was happy to be up there in the wilderness, breathing the fresh air and getting exercise, and experiencing something totally new! We laughed and got stuff off our chest all the way up!  Very therapeutic.

After the hike Maggie suggested that we hit one of the many festivals that happen in the Lower Mainland during the summer: the BC Highland Games and Scottish Festival.  I had heard about this particular festival in the past, and having never left my own city for a festival, and deciding it was time to start making my own memories again, I full-heartedly agreed!  So off we drove down the highway to Coquitlam with the sunroof open and trance music blaring all the way.

http://www.bchighlandgames.com/

Besides the fact that the weather was perfect, I have never seen so many hunky men dressed in kilts in one place before in my life! I mean seriously.  They'd smile and say hi to Maggie and me, and all I could manage to reply with was "Ha-Ha-Ha-Hellooo!", complete with heart palpitations and hot flashes! Then Maggie would have to practically carry me away from them, because I was tripping over my tongue. I am so pathetic when it comes to hunky men.  Even the on-duty RCMP were dressed in tartan.

All I've got to say to an RCMP in a kilt is: "YES SIR!"

Maggie and I felt an instant heart-connection with this beautiful Hawk.  He had a gentle, loving energy.

When I first arrived I admit I was a little cheesed out by all the tartan, celtic sing-a-longs and highland dancers, but I decided to be open-minded about the whole thing.  And since Maggie is a Scottish lass herself, I owed it to her to be hospitable. 

Highland dancers in competition

But the honest truth is that after only a short time I was completely impressed and realized that there is a large and very proud Scottish community here in the Lower Mainland.  The part of the festival that I ended up getting hooked on was the Pipe Band competition.  I know I know, we all think bag pipes sound like dying cats, right?  Well that is so not true!  An entire band of them with a large drum section can actually be quite mesmerizing and rhythmic.  I was super impressed with them, and having grown up participating in a girl's marching band myself, I very much enjoyed watching them march and drill and play to the crowds.  By far the best band there was our very own SFU Pipe Band, followed closely by the Portland, Oregon Pipe Band.  I mean, who knew??  

Seriously, if you just hang out for a few minutes and watch these video clips, you'll totally get into the rhythm too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOWrcypFLVk 

The drummers are really fun to watch!  The bands were judged not only on their performance, but the sound quality of their bagpipes, the music selections, their uniforms, everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMmj0YrgpsQ

Just like at any festival, there was a variety of vendors selling Clan tartans and Scottish regalia, but Maggie and I instead chose to shop for JEWELLERY!  Oh, and there was of course a sunny Beer Garden for working on the tan, and which also gave a great vantage point for watching the men... I mean the bands...

Two Fairies buying jewellery at an outdoor Celtic festival.  Sounds perfect to me!

Ahh, BC's west coast.  Probably one of the only places you can get away with wearing your hiking gear and still look fashionable!  Just brush out your hair, put a little lip gloss on, and you're set!  Gotta love it!

 We were having so much fun that we didn't even notice how famished we were! On the way home we found a fantastic sushi place in Coquitlam (who knew Coquitlam even had sushi restaurants!?)

This was actually some of the finest, freshest, yummiest sushi I've eaten in a long time. 

We are so spoiled with great sushi here on the west coast!

Saturday night was spent with my new man-friend Malcolm, watching movies until the wee hours of the morning.  It turns out I've found my equal when it comes to critiquing movies.  He has an eye for detail and is good at discerning.  Almost as good as me!  :)

The next morning, Sunday, I of course dragged myself out of bed to the promise of a fresh cup of coffee that Malcolm was making me, and then I hit my Ashtanga yoga class.  There simply is nothing like it on Sunday mornings, and this class is definitely becoming my religion.  No, I won't ever be a true yogi.  But all the benefits I get from doing it are completely worth laying low on a Saturday night for.

Another good thing about not partying on Saturday night is that Maggie and I were able to again go hiking, but this time it was up to Port Moody and behind Buntzen Lake Park - a ridge with several peaks called Eagle Ridge.  Maggie and I hooked up with our friends, Tod and Alex, who are extreme athletes and triathletes, and we thought for sure we were in big trouble allowing ourselves to follow them up a mountain side.  And even though the first part of the trail was wickedly steep, Maggie and I got through it all, climing the first part of the Halvor London Trail up to Polytrichum Lookout, and then taking another side trail further up the mountain to the White Rock Trail.  At the end were magnificent views of the entire Lower Mainland.  It was cloudy and rained off and on yesterday, but it was warm and still awesome!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buntzen_Lake

  

No hike is complete without stopping at Starbucks first!

From left: Maggie, Alex, and Tod

Maggie and Kenya, just starting the long climb uphill

Stopping at Polytrichum Lookout for a short break

Apparently the boys never go hiking without the Fireball.  They claim it keeps them warm.  

Riiiiiighhht....

I really loved the variety in this trail - at one point we had to grab hold of tree roots to climb up an enbankment, and hoist ourselves over fallen trees to make it down to another ridge. 

And there was lots of mud too!  Loved it!

Screaming Hamstrings!!!

About two hours in

Finally making it to the White Rock after about two hours fifteen minutes.  Elevation: 1100 m.

Can you see Vancouver?

I actually took footage coming back down the trail too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu5U7Wkz0Z4

Downhill trail running.  What a blast! 

There are fewer things better than running through a forest by yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkWKTzhs1jA

At the end of the trail.  Sweet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPrH-1wpOTU

Yay!  We did it!  One of the most strenuous hikes in the Lower Mainland! 

Total time: 4 hours.

Can't wait to get my shoes muddy again!

Standing on the edge of Buntzen Lake

Today I didn't think I was too sore, but since sitting so long in one place to post this, I'm definitely finding it difficult to stand up!  Ouch!  But it is entirely worth it.  Can't wait to experience more of the West Coast's day hikes! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zxj7RDw3qE

Charleen xo

The Force of Fire Signs

Once upon a time there was a girl, a very fickle girl by some's standards, who tried and tried to become what society wanted her to be, to think the way they did, and to do things exactly like everyone else.  She failed miserably at following others, and to the point of being incredibly down on herself and her inability to be "normal".  One day she realized that she had gotten to the point where not one more cell in her body could lie any longer.  While there had been a time where she could pretend, she knew that pretending only covered over the truth for a little while, and then things would crash and burn and she'd have to start all over again in her life anyways.  She knew that by pretending, she was only putting off facing her Self.  But the day that she realized that she couldn't lie about things anymore was the day she really turned inside, looked deep, and searched for the lighter melody.  She still didn't know what the outcome would be.  All she knew was that she had to go with it.

So with that, she quit her job and didn't feel bad about it at all.

Now, this is not to say that she didn't panic just a little bit.  Afterall, she was living in a grand city in a wonderful country where millions of others only wish they could live in, and life doesn't come for free in that city.  She knew how fortunate she was, and she knew she ought to be thankful for everything that she had been graced with in her lifetime.  And she was.  But pretending to mesh in a place where, to her, just felt volatile, aggressive, and full of unhappy people, an office that just seemed to be taking all of her life blood from her, was something that she couldn't deal with any longer.  Not one more second.  Which is why she has a day like today, the morning after the Summer Solstice, to write all day if she wants to.  And that is perfectly perfect.

The last couple of weeks have been absolutely INSANE, and you only know the first half of it.  The things that are really happening in my life have nothing to do with finding a great job (although that is definitely a very physical reality for me), they have all to do with self-recognition and inner reflection, and a whole bunch of realizations in between it all. 

My true friends are showing themselves to me, and tears fill my eyes just thinking of the love I have for them and how their words of encouragement, support, and acceptance of me, as wacky as my life seems right now, have reminded me once again of one of the reasons I am very, very fortunate in my life.

My two Fire Sign Friends - Maggie and Danielle

Sunning in the backyard

Two of my girlfriends, Maggie and Danielle, Leo and Aries, deserve special mention at this time in my life.  These two girls have been constant in their support of me, and they have nurtured my process and taken care with my heart, and have proved it to me many times over.  Not only are they elementally mischievious, but they are the fire and the energy that I need to get my butt up off the ground.  They help me me to feel confidant again.

Of course you know that my roommate Dina is a Sagittarius and in her own quiet way is constantly supporting me.  She reminds me to choose optimistic thoughts.  Her home is now my home, and as you can see by the sunny back yard, it's not a bad place at all to be!  There will be many more days of sunshine, bbq's and girl talk in that back yard.  Summer is here, afterall.

On the eve of Summer Solstice, I strolled up Commercial Drive and stumbled upon a dance party that was happening in the middle of the street!  I could not believe my good luck!  While I was there, I connected instantly with another fire sign woman, an Aries named Ashley.  She is much younger than me, but age has no bearing when Goddess connect.  So I am meeting new friends, and they seem to be fire signs.  I'm not sure if I am drawn to them for a reason or not.  But they are giving me energy right now like you wouldn't believe.

Funky beats on Commercial Drive 

I even bumped in Watermelon there!  Great to see her as always!

And I just want to say that the one really great thing about the job I worked for one week was meeting a new friend, an Aries named Mariko.  Although the place was an extremely toxic environment, we both agree that if for no other reason at all we were supposed to work there so that we could meet.  Sometimes the Universe works in magical ways.  :)

A new man friend of mine, Malcolm, also an Aries, makes me laugh till my stomach hurts.  He is an artist - a photographer who is renovating his little home in East Van basically from the ground up.  He is not without his struggles and stories, but he is endlessly optimistic and has this wonderful ability to laugh at himself and the world.  And he really just rolls with it.  I am enjoying getting to know him.  It is refreshing to be with someone who has no daily structure, but who also isn't just winging it through life.  I see through him that things are being done differently, and that there are so many more options out there to be had than just the ones I've been allowing myself to see.  Sitting in his little house, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, hearing him singing in the background and chuckling at himself every now and again while I drink a delicious cup of organic coffee that he just placed on the desk beside me, definitely reminds me of how lucky I am.  I am thankful for him.

     

Malcolm, the Aries

Malcolm is working really hard on his little house and on the yard too which I've offered to help him with today.  He said to me "But you have to write!".  And as I sit here channelling the next word that I will write at his desk that he has offered up to me for the day, I can hear him moving big pieces of wood and equipment around in his backyard, and I am comforted.  I sit heavy above my keyboard, considering how to write and all the things I want to say, my head in my hands and my eyes closed.  He pops inside and I feel his hand on my shoulder, and his voice "Alright?"  My response is "This is just where I go".  He understands right away because he is a creative spirit too, and he knows that a person has their "zone" and they just have to be there when the moment comes.  More support and encouragement from another Fire Sign.  How lucky can a girl get?  I ask you.

June.  My favourite month of the year.  The sun is at its highest and we are blessed with daylight long into the evenings and bright and early in the morning.  My inspiration, my thoughts come from an entirely different perspective, a different light if you will, than they would come if I was writing in, say, January.  All perspectives are good, no feeling that anyone has is ever wrong.  But I am affected by the seasons here maybe more than others because I've chosen to be honest about it.  Some people think it's not right to show your emotions or let yourself be seen.  I just don't get that, and I can't pretend any longer that everyone else has it right.  The sun is up high, I can see the trees out the window as I sit at this little desk inside this humble, de-constructed house on a quiet street in East Van, and I think that everything is absolutely perfect.  I think that everything is right where it should be, including me.

In yoga class the other day, where I sweat and challenge myself physically and mentally, I had a revelation.  It was something about the stretch I was in, all of a sudden like the reel of a movie the words played across my mind: "You are finding your way, Charleen, and it's not anywhere else in the world.  It's here in Vancouver and it's been here all along".  As I go deeper into the stretch my eyes soften and I respond with a question: "Well how can that be?  I've been here for so long and I never found it.  I have outgrown Vancouver, haven't I?"  And the answer I get right away and as clear as a bell is: "You never outgrew Vancouver.  You outgrew your Self".  The shock of that insight draws my breath in deeper and I reach my finger tips to the ceiling in a reverse-angle triangle, my spine somehow twisting further around.  I breath deep and let that realization resonate for a couple more breaths.  I fall back into a child's pose - holy crap.  The last couple of years, especially towards the end of my marriage, felt like pure inner agony and frustration.  It mounted to such a state that life had no choie but to crumble around me.  I remember learning from the words of Abraham (channeled through Esther Hicks) about the Law of Attraction, and how you have to bring yourself up to speed with your own desires.  I thought I understood it and was physically trying to do all I could to get there.  The problem was never where I was physically - the problem was within me.  I was changing, I had expanded to a place where being who I was just didn't jive with me anymore and I just thought if I could get away then I could change.  Well I don't know for sure, and I suppose a physical move still isn't a bad suggestion.  But today I am not that same woman.  I don't think the same, I don't act the same, I don't hang around with the same people, and I for sure don't have the same man in my life.  And I am actually starting to feel light again and that I'm following my own path in the ways I want to and the ways that are truly healthy and helpful for me.  I am getting up to speed with who I really am. 

Oh!  What we give up to stay in relationship.  Damnit, we give up ourselves!  Today I wonder if there will ever be a way to truly be in a relationshp with anyone without giving up myself.

I have joined another type of support group, this one called http://www.divorcesupport.com/.  I was just getting so sick and tired of not feeling better, and some days I still felt like I was getting worse instead of better.  I don't know the people in the forum personally, but I can say that I think the majority of them must be American.  I can hear the sweet twang in their accents when they write back to me, when they tell their stories.  I am warmed by them even without knowing them.  They are, in reality, just words at the other end of the internet.  But I am glad to have found them.  Check out the "Life After Divorce" forum... some really honest things happening there, but mostly only those of us who have been through it, or are still actually going through it, can truly offer authentic support.

Now that it's June, I've been up into the mountains and getting into nature more often.  The Grouse Grind and the BCMC trail which starts about a quarter of the way up The Grind, are true sources of relief for me.  Located on the North Shore, these are just two of the fantastic things about living in Vancouver during the summer.  The other day I went up and did the BCMC trail which took about an hour and eighteen minutes, then I took the gondola down and dialed Danielle who was primed and ready to hit the beach.  Together we went to Wreck Beach and lied in the sunshine, relaxed, and welcomed the heat again into our bodies.  Mountains and beach all in the same day.  Truly it is a good life here.

http://www.hollyburnheritagesociety.ca/s_106.asp 

BCMC Trail, North Vancouver

So all of this: my Fire Sign friends, my support forum, the well lit days of June, the beach, the BCMC trail, and a good dose of following the easiest and most honest path are all helping me to rediscover the joy of living.  Of being alive and of being free.  Just the way this Aquarian fairy needs to be.

Charleen xo

Back to Cowtown

Hold on to your cowboy hats and strap on your cowbow boots, folks, because there are going to be so many tiny details in this post that I’m afraid I won’t be able to relay them all coherently.

It started off Monday morning with an interview that I totally bombed on – couldn’t get the cotton balls out of my mouth to form my sentences properly, my thoughts were coming slowly, and it was basically a painful experience for all in the room. Awful. But on the way to that job interview I received a phone call and a job offer from Langara. It’s funny, you apply for something and you go through the interview or testing process and make it down to the top of an employer’s list, and when you get there you realize that you didn’t even want it in the first place. This has happened because I have been applying to so many places lately and while I think I’ve been fairly choosy, I admit that I’ve applied for positions that are beneath me and not challenging at all, and possibly even for a company I don’t like. So I asked them for the night to sleep on it because I knew that I would possibly be getting another offer, which wasn’t a great offer but still better than Langara was. I did actually end up getting that 2nd offer, but not until mid morning on Tuesday. By that time I knew that I would accept anything that came in if it wasn’t Langara. Funny though, I received my second offer and I still wasn’t happy. Mostly because by the middle of the morning I had received two phone calls regarding two cool positions, one in Vancouver and one, believe it or not, from a recruiter in CALGARY! Shit was definitely hitting the fan and I definitely didn’t feel like I was in a position to commit to anyone. This is also funny, since I’d said before that I would be willing to take the first job that came to me. Evidently that isn’t the case when it comes right down to it, or so I’m learning. At 10:58 I received the call from Calgary asking me if I’d consider a telephone interview with their client and I said yes. At 11:00 I started a telephone interview with a great company in Vancouver. That position is the one that made my heart flutter the most. It was only a two month contract, but I didn’t care. I wanted it because of the position and because of the company I’d be working with. The interview went well as they always do (except in cases above when I wake up with cotton balls in my mouth), and because of the quick turnaround on that position (they wanted someone to start the very next day, Wednesday), I wanted to wait to give my answer to my second job offer. Are you still following?

So it ended up that I didn’t get the great two month position (other candidate had a bit more experience) but received great feedback anyways. That call didn’t come in till 5:05 pm. I had sat at home on pins and needles all day long, my girlfriend Linda came over for lunch and we laid in the backyard in the sunshine and she mostly tried to calm me down all day long. So at that point I remember hearing the words in my head “you’re going to have to be practical”, and I called my recruiter on the second offer and told them I’d accept it. So wheeee! I thought I could stop worrying and pounding the pavement.

NOT!!

The next morning I woke up feeling nauseous. Why did I accept that offer, exactly? It wasn’t even what I wanted to be doing and the pay wasn’t what I thought it should be, and the company is one that I wouldn’t be proud to work for…. With that in mind, I decided to hold onto the next two interviews that I’d already had lined up for that afternoon (now Wednesday). I mean, yes I had already accepted one offer, but obviously that doesn’t mean much to me at the end of the day if I truly don’t care much about it. SO! I went to the two interviews Wednesday afternoon and knew as soon as I’d walked into the first one that it wasn’t for me. I love it when answers are so clear. Then enroute to the second interview I decided to stop into Pacific Centre to get a sandwich. That’s when I ran into my ex and his girlfriend, together, for the very first time. I was coming through the door and he was about 10 feet away – our eyes found one another instantly. Like you just know someone so well that even in a crowd of people you are drawn to the familiarity of their eyes. He saw me too and his eyes lit up, he opened his mouth to say hi…. Then in a second I saw something dark come across his eyes, he looked down to his side and my eyes followed his, and there she was. Looking up at him. Smiling. But she had also seen his eyes see someone else, and so she wasn’t looking at him, she was looking for me, like she knew who I was without even having been told. Then, as we all three continued to walk in one another’s direction – them on their way out and me on my way in, her and I held our glares directly at one another. My jaw clenched tightly and my eyes narrowed. I blew steam from my nose. And the beeatch actually had the audacity to match my glare and gave me an icy-cold stare right back. Can you believe that?! We passed one another, he put his arm around her and they carried on out the door, each of them holding their cups of freshly purchased fruit smoothies or whatever they were (the same things we used to drink together)… and I just stayed there watching them, standing in the middle of the crowd in the atrium at Pacific Centre. I watched their moves, their body language. I wanted to see if there actually was anything between them. Of course I didn’t like what I saw and I wanted to make sure I’d seen it correctly. So what did I do? That’s right, I followed them. I stayed about a block behind them, watching their body language. They walked the same pace together (him and I never walked the same pace – I was always way faster than he was…), they gazed sideways at one another often and seemed to be speaking calmly with one another (she is much taller than I am, so he doesn’t have to look down as far to see her). I followed them down Georgia until they rounded the corner onto Burrard, and I watched as they took a shortcut down Alberni… then I felt nauseous. I had seen enough. And you know, as I write this little story I realize that I am having a big time déjà vu, that I have seen myself writing these very words before today, so I must’ve known that that moment was inevitable.

(side note: I realize how very catty, immature, not spiritual and un-evolved I sound by calling my ex’s new girlfriend a beeatch without even knowing her. But just let me have it this once, k?)

But I had to do it!! The truth is that it doesn’t really matter if I followed them or not, because that’s not really the part that sticks in my head even though I remember it well enough. The part that catches me is that I saw that they actually ARE together. They actually ARE a couple. And that part stings like vinegar in an open wound.

Having said that, I think I maintained my composure fairly well given the shock of the circumstances. It wasn’t like I was prepared mentally or emotionally to deal with that little surprise amongst the stress of running between interviews now was I? So I went back to Pacific Centre and bought myself that sandwich, and sat on a sunny bench to replenish myself, and tried to hold back my tears. In those shaky and precarious moments I thought to myself: “Yes, maybe Calgary is a very good place to go”. Luckily before I went too deep into the dark hole, I got another phone call from yet ANOTHER recruiter at that moment, asking me what I was going to do about an offer that was pending from a job interview I’d done through them last week! Good friggin’ grief! Like, what is with the timing this week, eh?

So I kept on with my deep breathing and forced relaxing, affirming thoughts into my head, and walked to my second interview that day. As it turns out, they absolutely loved me and pretty much offered me this temp to perm position on the spot. I said we needed to negotiate with the recruiter, etc, but thought it would be good to work with them, blah blah blah. I am the Queen of Smalltalk and Yes’s, these days let me tell ya. Anyways, thinking that this position was actually much better than the position I’d already accepted threw yet another wrench in my week of perfect timings. They wanted me to come back the next day and meet with their Executive, but basically that would seal the deal.

On the way home I stopped and bought a bottle of Southern Comfort and when I got home I poured myself a stiff drink. In fact I poured myself two of them and even shared with my roommate. Then I sat on the phone with girlfriends Danielle, Ranji, Kate and Leigh, and skyped with my cousin Carmen all night long, and they talked me down from the negative thoughts in my head. One of the best forms of healing is Southern Comfort on the rocks with a splash of H20 and long conversations with girlfriends. That is just good counseling!

Oh, and don’t forget to throw in the fact that I had an 8:00 teleconference call with a firm in Calgary the very next morning!

Thursday morning at 8:00 Vancouver time is a pretty darn early time to be primed for an interview, don’t ya think? I pulled it off though, and did such a good job that they asked me to come to Calgary to meet them in person. I was momentarily thrown off guard by that request, but quickly told them that I’d be happy to (my bill, by the way, not theirs). So I was considering this all day yesterday at about 1:00 pm I received a call from the recruiter from my first interview on Wednesday (the one I knew wasn’t for me, remember?), saying that they’d like to offer me the position! Holy F_CK!! Of course saying “no” to the third offer of the week wasn’t hard, but still I was starting to get completely blown away by this week! I was thinking to myself: “What the heck is going on in the universe???” So I go downtown at 2:00 for my second interview to meet the Executive from yesterday’s interview, and I thought it would be great. Turns out though that I don’t really dig the Executive I’d be working with. I mean, she was just alright but I didn’t see any sparks flying or anything, and it completely deflated my opinion of the entire job just because of it. Still, I knew it was a better proposition for me right now than going to work for the second offer. So with that, I accepted the offer (fourth offer now), and so far I am lined up to start working with them on Monday for about three months, and then we’ll see if we really like one another (hee hee). But then I had to walk my ars all the way across town to re-neg on my acceptance with second offer, a move that I didn’t feel good about doing mostly because I really liked my recruiter and didn’t want to let her down, but also because by this time I was really started to second-guess my judgment on everything! It was such a whirlwind of a week, and nothing seemed perfect but I knew I had to start working. And with so many offers, none of which delight completely, how do you really know you’re making the right decision saying yes or no to any of them??

After that I decided I didn’t want to wait until Monday to decide about the job in Calgary. I called my recruiter in Calgary and asked her if I could come out on Friday (today), and she said YES! So what did I do? I went home Thursday evening and booked myself a last minute flight to Calgary. Yep. Just like that. So here I am again in Calgary. After my interview here this morning, I have to say that I think it might be the best prospect on the table, but now since I’m thoroughly confused and not feeling a serious heartbeat for any of the jobs I’m looking at, I really am wondering what to do about myself. All day long I’ve been playing tug-of-war with my heart and head, telling myself not to go with my heart, then telling myself not to go with my head, then feeling nauseous again and having to pull out all the therapy moves to stop myself from going down a negative pathway… and frankly I just have to say that I am so sick of all of this CRAP!!

And someone please tell me why I haven’t been able to get the positions that I really and truly do want?? I mean, obviously they are coveted positions, and they have lots of great people to choose from and they can decide on someone simply because they like that person’s teeth, or shoes, or colour of their hair, or whatever! I know it’s truly coming down to the soft skills now, but why am I being offered the positions that I don’t care too much about? Am I being picky, do you think? Do I really believe myself when I say that “happiness is fleeting”? Believe me, I’ve had so much time to consider myself, consider all the ins and outs of a job search, think about life, and I’ve played the games with recruiters, smiled sweetly and made people laugh. But at the end of the day I just don’t friggin’ care about any of them!

I guess I have fallen into the trap of actually believing my ex when he screamed at me the day he left and told me I wasn’t successful. Maybe I don’t think I’m successful, so really why should I be talented or gifted or special enough to get the position that I really want??? I mean, do you think there’s anything to that? Do I really believe it?

This sucks.

So here I am in Cowtown, enjoying the sunshine and the friendly people once again. My mom says maybe it’s not a bad idea to get my feet wet somewhere else. My sister says that I’m lonely in Vancouver even when I have friends there, so why not be lonely somewhere else where I can start fresh? And there are moments where I believe that this is the way to go.

And there are moments where I admit that I am so comfortable in Vancouver that I just don’t want to go anywhere but back to bed.

So life has been crazy this past week and all I can do is laugh about it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or something like that.  So far I don’t even have an offer on the table from Calgary position so I’m not considering anything too strongly right now. But being here makes me really consider what direction I want my life to go in. And I have to say that I have a vision, but I just don’t know how to get there exactly.  Somehow though, all this is starting to make me really clear about things, and they are details that I hadn't even considered before.

Still lovin’ myself though. You bet I am!

Charleen xo

Old Friends, New Friends

Last week was absolutely crazy.

Firstly, I went back to Ultimate. Yep. I didn’t know how I felt about playing any longer, primarily because, well, I just didn’t know if I could face my teammates after last year’s collapse. My captain, Gwil, whose team I’ve played with for many years, had been hounding me every week with emails: “Hey Char, are we gonna see you this week? Can you make it out?” Oh believe me; I came up with every excuse in the book not to play. For one, I have totally lost (misplaced?) my cleats in my storage unit along with about half a dozen disks, and I figured that’d give me another justified excuse not to play. But for some reason I mustered up the courage on Monday night, and wouldn’t you know it? I had a blast! This is a photo of the team that was taken a few years ago now. We are all mostly still on the team, with a handful of newcomers that are super fun and enthusiastic, and have great hands.

The Discombobulators (aka: The Bobs)

http://www.vul.bc.ca/

Last week my roommate Dina decided to help out her friends, and offered to puppy-sit for them for one day. This little puppy was absolutely the cutest and both of us had a day of fun playing with her. It’s too bad she isn’t house-broken yet, and funny how the house smelled like dog after her owners took her home in the evening. That’s all it took: one day with a dog and the house reeked. For those of you who own a dog, I hate to tell you, but your house stinks too. There’s no way around it.

Weekdays I have been consumed with my job search, doing research, submitting cover letters and going on tons of interviews. I am so numbed by this grueling process that I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t even know if I really want the job I’m interviewing for. At this point I am ready to resign myself to take the first job that is offered to me. It is very stressful, and some nights I come home and totally feel like I’ve just been in a boxing ring battling it out with the entire city. It’s rough!  I struggle to keep a positive outlook on things, and it does nothing but completely piss me off when friends try to placate me by saying something simple-minded like “Stay Positive!”, or “I know something will come through for you soon, Char!” Like, PAHLEESE!!  Let’s just suffice it to say that I am not apologizing for not feeling very social these days.

Even though I haven’t been completely up to socializing, I’ve decided to make an effort on my own terms to get out there again and make new friends at my own pace. I’m enjoying going once or twice a week to speak Spanish with either one of the two Spanish Meetup Groups that I’ve joined.  I like it because I’m meeting people who have never met me before, and they don’t expect me to be anyone other than who I am. They don’t ask me personal questions that set me off, or project their crap onto me by saying things like “I really think it would be best if you did……” (‘cause I think you know I have zero-tolerance for statements like that!)  Instead it is a very easy-going time where I get to practice my Spanish. It’s another reason why I am totally enjoying my Ashtanga teacher Adam and his partner Theresa. I see them only 2-3 times a week, but I just feel like no matter how crummy a day I’m having, I can go in there no one expects me to be the person I used to be. They don’t mollify things by saying “Keep your chin up!” blah blah blah. They just simply “are”. And they let me “be”. No pressure, I like that.

After a hard week of pounding the pavement, I got out for a kickass bike ride with my TESL classmate and sometimes-running-partner, Trish, on Friday afternoon.  It took me 26 minutes to ride from my place on 40th and Fraser to her place on 11th and Birch. Then we spent the next two hours following the tracks up Arbutus and then winding through the streets around Dunbar, and then further on into the trails in the U.B.C. Endowment Lands that Trish knows like the back of her hand. Next week we’ll ride even farther, get muddy, and I’ll take pictures! Wheeeee!

My very jovial friend Maggie got back from a whirlwind trip to meet up with her new American lover. Yes folks, they are in love and are going to make a go of it long-distance. Considering myself very experienced at long-distance love affairs, I gave her some advice. I said “Maggie, just GO FOR IT!!” Maggie and I went out for dinner on Friday night with a workmate of hers who was visiting from Toronto. We hit a new place in Yaletown, shared antipasto platters and drank cocktails. It felt good to go out for a change.

Maggie 'n Me

On Saturday I went on a picnic with a new friend who I met at the Spanish Meetup Group.  Roberto is a bit of a clown with a child-like spirit similar to mine, and together we decided to go down to Wreck and toss the Frisbee around.  He made me laugh all afternoon long, which I admit is something I haven’t been doing very much lately.  Wreck Beach was looking good and feeling good.  We stayed till the sun set, howled our thanks at the Sun Goddess, and then climbed the stairs back up the trail.  On the way up I bumped into a couple “old timers” from the beach.  Last year I didn’t want to talk with any of them, as I was sure they could see pain and humiliation written all over my face.  This year I greeted them with a genuine smile and a warm hug.

Sunset at Wreck Beach

This morning I let myself sleep in. Then I woke up with tons of energy, bounded out of bed and cleaned the entire house.  The other nice thing about this morning was being able to sit and have a café latte with Dina, something we don’t always have time for.  She and I are both becoming coffee snobs, buying our coffee now only from Italian delis and critiquing differing flavours and scents.

This afternoon I met my old gang of girlfriends downtown at the Scotiabank Theatre to watch Sex and the City II. Well to be honest, we were only a portion of the old gaggle. Our lives have all changed so much that it’s come down to having to organize a "girlfriend date" 3 weeks in advance so that everyone can get a sitter for their kids (or make sure their husbands are free to cover), or that some other family event isn’t already scheduled. This girlfriend date was organized by Hilary (Thanks, Hilly!).  Back in the day, I used to be the one who did all the organizing. Yep, everyone would come over to my little bachelorette pad in Kits, I’d make martinis, and we'd watch Sex and The City on t.v., and then stumble down the road to the Urban Well to dance and pick up men all night long.  But these days I’m not so much into planning.  I was so relieved that Hil took the initiative for all of us and made the plans to get together.  It was a great show, and we laughed all the way through it. (And that “Danish Architect” still has me drooling. Whoever did the casting for this movie was an absolute genius!!)

(from right: Leigh, Pennie, Hilary, and me)

On the way home, my old friend and past flame called me up.  Paul is a Taurus, which puts him right in his element in his job as the Chef at popular La Terrazza.  He invited me over for an impromptu dinner, just something he threw together at the last moment. Watching Paul cook in his own kitchen, while sipping a glass of red and enjoying flowy conversation with him, has always been a pleasure.  I feel like an absolute Queen whenever I get to go over to his place for dinner.  I hadn’t seen him since last September, so it was good to catch up.

http://laterrazza.ca/index.php

So last week I felt the muscles of my face pulling my lips into an upward smile on more than one occasion, and my heart has started to warm to friends again. Some old and some new, they are helping me to shape my new life. As I write this post, I have to say how very thankful I am for all of them.

Summer must almost be here.

Charleen xo