Yep. Another birthday came and went. I received numerous text messages and emails from my girlpals Leigh, Hileray, Linda, Yota, Donna V, Elizabeth, Pennie, Brenda, Jessie and I admit I was actually shocked to receive them. But it turns out that people actually remembered when I only wanted to forget. People wanted to celebrate me, even if I didn't want to celebrate myself. My birthmom emailed me, and then my dad called me with his chipper, super happy, warm, loving voice, and I always start crying when I hear it. With my mom and dad I am a little girl again, I feel vulnerable, and I know they know me well enough to know that I feel that way, and since last year and this whole shit story of separation I still cry every time I talk with them. My sister and nephew skyped me from Edmonton - it was the coolest! Man, I love them so much! And my other brother and his family in Kelowna texted me when they missed me on Skype, but I still felt good knowing that they had tried to connect. I talked with my twin-sister a couple of times yesterday too of course. Her and I are doing a Lisa Steadman workbook and workshop together called "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown", and my twin-sister is my "BooHoo" crew for sure.
I finally had a chance to talk on the phone with my dear friend Laurie from Lasquetti Island, and we talked for close to an hour, warming one another's hearts and sharing stories of our lives together. So I woke up feeling really blue, and as it turned out the day wasn't too too bad.
But there are other reasons for that. After last week's shenanigans with my ex (once again he somehow pulled the carpet out from under me - he's very good at that - funny how I always trust that he won't but he always does anyways - hmm, what lessons do I have to learn here?), I was down down down for several days. Added to that was the fact that I was looking for work and having doors shut in my face left right and centre. It's tough in this town. I didn't know what to do next. I started contacting people in Calgary, preparing myself to throw the towel in on this city once and for all. It's a real bummer when you're looking for work - your self-esteem goes out the door. You panick, you can't sleep, you worry about your future. Thankfully last week though, my friend Maria and her husband Dimitri asked me to come in to their store on West 4th and work for them for a bit, and that was really cool. I didn't have to approach them, they asked me and I am thankful for it. I like helping them out, too. In fact, I feel good about the work that I do there because it's their store. I want things to go well for them, and I'll do what I can to make that happen, no matter how small of a contribution it is. And anyways - you know I love clothes! Not exactly the hardest place to spend a Saturday and Sunday afternoon, now is it? Nope!
Vancouver is starting to PACK with tourists for the Olympics
But then yesterday morning almost as soon as I woke up I received a Skype call from another girlfriend, Dina who is in Nicaragua! It was so good to see her, hear her voice... she is always so optimistic and matter of fact. She asked if I want to move in to her place in March, and I'm going to seriously think about it. But that was definitely a nice thing wasn't it? THEN I finally received the phone call from the Supreme Court asking when I could come in and work for them again!! Holy crap! Now was that a good birthday present, or what? It was like a weight was lifted from all my limbs and I was able to walk with a clip in my step again. Hey, look. The work is alright, the people are really great, and it's a contract that will take me till the end of March that I am thankful for. Yesterday, lunchtime was spent running out to storage, digging out my "office attire", and bringing it all home here to Mark's place to iron and hang up. Mark, by the way, has been completely accomodating and sweet, and he is a very very good friend. I am thankful for him, too.
Robson Street on a sunny day in February, all the tourists like wearing "CANADA" jerseys
After all that, I drove out to Commercial Drive to interview for a Hostess position at Marcello's - a busy and popular Italian restaurant on the Drive. The interview went well. There's something about "the Drive". Simply put, I just think people on that side of town are more real. They are definitely more bohemian, more way-out-there, more free-thinking than here on the west side of Vancouver. I had a great conversation with the Manager. But I left there thinking: Well I really want that job, but he's probably going to be like everyone else I've interviewed with lately: he won't call me back, or he'll think I'm too old, or he'll think I'm not pretty enough, or perhaps he thinks I said something weird during the interview.... who knows these days? Its so like that here in Vancouver, especially now. So I let go of my expectations as soon as I left.
Follow 'dem Russians!
I also had a skype call with Ries yesterday, which was very impromptu and unscheduled. He wished me Happy Birthday, and his smile lit up my computer screen and my heart instantly. It was a tough call though. Too many miles between us, too many chances for heart break...still, he surprised me with a birthday present, an attachment inside an attachment that he had sent by email: a ticket to DANCE VALLEY 2010 in Amsterdam, August 7! Get the F outta here! Right???
So hey! Even if we can't see one another before then, at least we have that to look forward to!! What a man, what a total genius he is. Swoon!! Seriously. I mean, who wouldn't be thankful for him?
Yesterday I also received a surprise call from my counsellor, who I had emailed in a desperate moment late last week after hitting yet another friggin' wall with whatshisname, to see if I could get in to see her. I knew it would be hard - she is always fully booked. Well, she had a cancellation and wanted to squeeze me in for today! I mean, one has to be thankful, don't you think? My counsellor definitely has my back.
So then today I woke up and got downtown easily on the Arbutus bus straight from Mark's place in about 15 minutes. I was greeted by my boss, and who is actually turning out to be a warm friend. It was really nice to see her again and to see everyone back at the Court House. I settled into my new position - a fancy, bright, warm, sunny big office up on the 6th floor working with the Masters, and then popped downstairs to the 4th to visit with my old gang: Slade J, Griffin J, Evelyn and Sam... warm, genuine hugs all around. I have to say: I was really touched. I hadn't realized how much I'd cared! My day was progressing nicely, slowly getting back into the swing of things there, trying to remember everything I'd learned in the 6 months I worked there last year, when I got a phone call on my cell. It was Marcello's, the restaurant on Commercial. They really liked me and wanted me to start working for them! I'm like: Get the F outta here!! Wow! So I am a happy 42 year old woman today. Yes I am. I wanted to come back here and find a couple of jobs, work through the Olympics, etc. I thought it would look entirely different, but things never turn out the way you envision them, do they? Here I have three jobs and now the only thing I'm wondering is this: Can a 42 year old woman actually work 3 jobs??? I guess I'm going to find out soon enough. The next two weeks will be crazy - the Olympics start in three days, and so does my work at the restaurant. Three live DJ shows over the next two weeks, possibly 4 if I can manage it, and Donna V coming in from Toronto. I'm going to try to squeeze in a long run on Sunday with Trish. Emily has invited me to her birthday on the 26th of Feb...what the heck is going on here??
Granville Street decked out for the Olympics
In today's counselling session, I told my counsellor what had gone on last week, how pissed off I was starting to feel, and wondered why the waves of grief are still hitting me a year later. She assured me that is how grief works. It comes in waves, and it is totally normal. But she also reminded me how far I've come since I started seeing her only a couple of months after the break up of my marriage last year. She reminded me that I physically moved homes twice last year. She reminded me that I settled all my administrative issues while trying to look for work and deal with my overwhelming emotions, fears, and panick attacks. She reminded me that I went to Spain because it was just something that I wanted to do. I told her about how I met Ries, and she reminded me that I found love again. She reminded me that I'd come back to Vancouver and completed a course and gotten a certificate in something completely new and unfamiliar to me. She reminded me that, even if I still get down on myself, I have picked myself up and I am getting on with my life. She reminded me that I've accomplished everything I've set out to do, and I have to admit that she is right. "So then why do I still feel so damn shitty sometimes?" I asked her. She said it was because I have been putting "hope" in the wrong places. Instead of "hoping" that my ex will somehow become someone that he really isn't, and frankly never has been, I should put hope into the things that are real. She asked me to focus on Ries for a moment, saying "How do you feel when you think about him?", getting me to connect in with my body. I closed my eyes and breathed for a bit, and I kid you not, my chest just opened wide, there was no fear, there was absolutely no pain, and a warmth and freedom just resonated all over my body. An authentic smile on my face, I replied "I feel really good. I just think Ries rocks in every single way". My counsellor broke into a smile with me and said "Now that's where you want to put your 'hope'".
I think it's a good thing to have hope. It shows that I'm patient and can put up with a lot more crap than the average person, but it has been misplaced the last little while. So thank goodness for counsellor's who set the matters straight for you, who let you know that your feelings are "normal", and who really do want nothing more than to see you thrive.
On the way home from my counselling session, I bumped into one of my classmates, Minu from Korea! It was so amazing to see him, and we both hugged one another and held hands and told one another how much we missed one another! It was only a month ago that I met him, but there was a real bond between us. Good luck back in Korea, Minu!
Now let me pause for a minute here. Last week I was super super down, couldn't see anything good about life. But here now I've written about so many things that are good and that I have to be thankful for:
1. Cozy slippers and purple-framed glasses
2. Mark
3. All my galpals
4. My mom and dad who let me know that I will always be their little girl
5. My sister Colette and my nephew Nolan, and their entire family, too
6. My twin sister Alara and my other nephew Jaicen
7. My birth mom Sheila
8. My brother Greg and his family in Kelowna
9. My brother Brad and his family in Bella Bella
10. Laurie from Lasquetti
11. My girlfriend Laureen in Calgary who is always there, knowledgeable and patient
12. Maria and Dimitri and their little shop on West 4th
13. Ries and his gorgeous smile that always makes me melt
14. Tickets to Dance Valley 2010
15. Dina in Nicaragua
16. My contract job back at the Supreme Court, and a warm sunny office
17. All the very loving friends I have there
18. My new job at Marcello's
19. 3 or 4 chances to dance, and dance hard, to some of the world's best DJ's over the next 2-3 weeks
20. My counsellor making time for me at the last minute, routing for me all the way
21. Spain, and the hope of going back there as soon as possible
22. my TESL course/certificate
23. the awesome classmates who will always be friends
24. Trish my running partner
.... Now I just need to stop here and check in with myself..... hmm, nope. That's right: I don't have ANYTHING TO BE DOWN ABOUT!
Just a little bit of clarity was all I needed. And some time to give it to maneuver into place. It's going to be a damn exciting year. I just know it.
Charleen xo
Sounds good Dove! Hold this line.
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