Sometimes the sadness still has such a control over me. Sometimes, out of the blue, I get hit by something so intense and I have to hold on for dear life and fight with my Self to not let it destroy my entire day. Yesterday afternoon in the middle of class the realization hit me that it's been one year today since my ex walked out on me. I breathed out a deep sigh and folded over in my chair, the tears rimming my eyes threatening to fall right there in class, and I tried to fight off the feelings that had suddenly surrounded me. Once again I felt the blackness coming down on all sides. "No Charleen, no", I told myself. "Don't go there. Don't do this..." I was supposed to go to a yoga class after school. A yoga class that sometimes is also still shared with my ex. It feels right to have a friendship with him. As an Aquarius, that is very important to me. But last night it was definitely wrong.
But then I thought to myself: "That mother f-cker! Why should he have the benefit of my friendship!!?" and anger replaced the looming darkness. I started remembering how the day went down, and all the days that led up to it, and all the days I've experienced since then. And I got pissed! For as far as I've come since that awful day, I would be flat out lying if I told you that I didn't hold any resentment. Some days I am just darn angry! And to be honest I think this is a better way to feel than depressed. So there has been some development that has been good for sure! And some days I feel absolutely nothing. I am so detached and free that I can't even believe that I once cared. Which is why when the feelings do hit me out of no where I'm always so shocked, saddened, and overwhelmed still. How much longer do I have to go before I'm totally over this, I wonder? Last night was a tough night. And as if he knew something was up, he called to see how I was. He too had noticed the date on the calendar. There is still a connection with him. There always will be.
But it's my life, and I want it back!
This morning I woke up with a brand new take on things. It's like my girlfriend Ranji said to me yesterday: "Don't be sad. Think of all the things you have done for yourself this year!" And damnit, she is right! A little perspective is what is needed in these still challenging moments. It has been one year. One year and actually longer that I've been feeling like shit. One year that I've been heavy and hard on myself. One year that I've been feeling like I'm unworthy of any good. One year of psychological confusion. One year of playing with a rubber band. One year of crying.
Well I am so friggin' over it!! Finally at one year, I've woken up not with tears, but with fire in my heart. The true Aquarian has come out - the part that says that this inhumane and cruel way of thinking and being is NOT GOOD FOR ME ANYMORE! I want more from life! I want happiness. I want clarity. And I think I should have it. It is as much mine as it is anyone else's, and it's been too long since I've really felt like I deserved it. Well fuck that.
And to help me ring in my new year, guess who's coming to visit me on Friday, my last day of school? RIES! Yep, all the way from Rotterdam to visit ME for the weekend. If that doesn't make a girl feel good, then what does I ask you?
So thank GOD for my one year anniversary. Because this is the moment of clarity I've been longing for.
Charleen xo
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Valuable Mistakes
I have finished the first two weeks of my course, and I've learned a ton. It's been as intense as I thought it would be, but the next two weeks promise to be even worse. Our teaching segments will now start becoming longer, and we will be switching from teaching the beginner class to an intermediate class. This is pretty overwhelming for me and my classmates. I personally think it's going to be brutal. I wish I could say that I've learned all that I wanted to learn, but unfortunately I can't. And I don't think I will learn what I really want to learn by the end of the course, that being specifically how to teach grammar. I do wonder if I'll be able to really teach English, at least effectively, after this course is done. While we are learning some handy tools to take into a classroom (such as analyzing parts and functions of speech, how to deliver appropriate concept checking questions, how to use visual aids and board work, lesson planning and unit planning, receptive skills and listening, error correction, and even a bit of standard english phonology), I am still unable to teach anything close to grammar, verb tenses, and their reasons for being. Can anyone tell me why, exactly, we use a past continuous tense instead of a simple past tense when we talk? For us native speakers, English is intutive. We don't know why we say things the way we do, we just say them! I was hoping to be specifically shown how to format a lesson to teach these very difficult concepts, but that's not going to happen. So I'm trying not to panick. I know that most teachers take a lot of time to perfect their skills, and so will I. But I must admit that it's scaring the crap out of me!
I really dig my classmates. We are all so different, but working so closely everyday means that you automatically bond with one another. It's quite the process. We make mistakes in front of one another and all our egos go out the door. But we learn from one another's mistakes, and from our own.
Why are mistakes so good to make? My classmates and I have discovered that getting it all wrong is a part of getting it all right! Think about it: how do you learn to ride a bike? Heck, you don't just get on and go! You have to fall off a lot, bump into things, and probably hurt yourself a little (at least I remember it that way). But you get back on and you try again, and before you know it you can ride a bike. So why do we look at life's lessons any differently? I'm not just talking about learning a new skill. I'm talking about human nature, I'm talking about relationships. We can beat ourselves up all we want for having made a mistake, but at the end of the day haven't we just learned something valuable? How else could we gain experience and knowledge in life without having had an experiment go wrong? How else could we really learn to define ourselves?
I've made so many mistakes in my life that I can't count them. Some of my mistakes have hurt others. While I'm not knowingly walking around stomping on other people's hearts, sometimes someone gets hurt during my process. I know I hurt my ex-husband many times. I think I've hurt my family. I have most likely hurt some of my closest friends. Isn't it funny how we always hurt the ones we love? But thank goodness for mistakes! Thank goodness that I've had the chance to learn from them. Would I do things the same way again? Nope. There is a deep change happening within me, and its not easy to define. But I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm not anywhere close to being that person. And I am glad about it. I've learned from my mistakes.
I have slowly been getting back in touch with some of my girlfriends. One by one I'm starting to reach out. I feel their warm arms around me and I remember how blessed I am to have such a fantastic array of exciting, beautiful, and diverse ladies in my midst to call friends.
I did actually end up going out last night! My good friend Danielle emailed me a couple of nights ago and suggested we go dancing, and as I'd gotten a good handle on my course assignments, I decided to join her. Danielle and I are ex-sister-in-laws. To be more precise, our ex-husbands are brothers. Both of our marriages fell apart almost at the same time. But now her and I have replaced those relationships with what to me feels like a really nice friendship. She is a kindred spirit, a fairy in her own right. Danielle and I haven't always been close, in fact we never used to be friends at all even though we used to share the same family. We definitely had a rough start to our relationship. But water has drifted under the bridge, and time heals all wounds. The mistakes we made with one another have now transformed into wisdom, respect, and friendship. I am thankful for her spunky spirit, and her encouraging, optimistic view on life! She is one of the only single gal-pals I have left, and she shares the same joy and enthusiasm for dancing and good music as I do. She is a sex-kitten, and she is Trouble with a capital T. I love it! I can't share all the photos, because frankly she is way too NAUGHTY to show you the majority of them! ha! But I am including a few "tasteful" ones here. Danielle, an Aries, has a ton of energy and can keep on going for hours longer than I can. Hope you had fun at Gorg, D!
The music has always been good at Celebrities on Friday nights - last night Max Graham was playing. Although some consider him a bit of a "hit 'n' miss" DJ, last night was great fun and he was definitely on his game. The best part about last night was that it was mostly very unplanned and spontaneous! Sometimes those make for the most memorable nights. :)
Today was a beautiful day in Vancouver! Days like today remind everyone why we choose to live here instead of somewhere farther east. At 12 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, everyone was out and I also wasn't about to let the day pass me by either. Of course I took my camera with me.
I am thankful to have had enough time to write in my blog today, or even to write at all while I'm taking the TESL course. I know I'm unable to get into my writing in a serious way right now, but it still feels great just being able to post something. Anything.
Here's another video I took today, driving through Vancouver. It's a little bit longer but if you've never been to Vancouver before, now you'll feel like you have!
Tonight I am going to clean Mark's house for him, since I am taking care of his place afterall and the dust bunnies are starting to pile up! I know, it's an exciting life I lead, eh? But then later on I'm going to enjoy a skype call with my man, Ries, and that is definitely exciting! Tomorrow morrning I'm going to go for a run with my classmate, Trish. It'll be our last 40 minute run before we up it to 45. It's nice to be running again, and even nicer to have someone to run with! We've decided we're going to make it a Tuesday/Thursday/Sunday thing, and it's motivating to know that someone will be there to run with even if it's pouring rain outside. Then tomorrow afternoon I will be hitting the books again, reading and developing a lesson plan for a grammar class on the past tenses. Yep, that's pretty much my life in a nutshell. But even with the mistakes, I am enjoying it.
Charleen xo
from left: Lena, Mi Nu, Trish, Chris, and me
I really dig my classmates. We are all so different, but working so closely everyday means that you automatically bond with one another. It's quite the process. We make mistakes in front of one another and all our egos go out the door. But we learn from one another's mistakes, and from our own.
Why are mistakes so good to make? My classmates and I have discovered that getting it all wrong is a part of getting it all right! Think about it: how do you learn to ride a bike? Heck, you don't just get on and go! You have to fall off a lot, bump into things, and probably hurt yourself a little (at least I remember it that way). But you get back on and you try again, and before you know it you can ride a bike. So why do we look at life's lessons any differently? I'm not just talking about learning a new skill. I'm talking about human nature, I'm talking about relationships. We can beat ourselves up all we want for having made a mistake, but at the end of the day haven't we just learned something valuable? How else could we gain experience and knowledge in life without having had an experiment go wrong? How else could we really learn to define ourselves?
I've made so many mistakes in my life that I can't count them. Some of my mistakes have hurt others. While I'm not knowingly walking around stomping on other people's hearts, sometimes someone gets hurt during my process. I know I hurt my ex-husband many times. I think I've hurt my family. I have most likely hurt some of my closest friends. Isn't it funny how we always hurt the ones we love? But thank goodness for mistakes! Thank goodness that I've had the chance to learn from them. Would I do things the same way again? Nope. There is a deep change happening within me, and its not easy to define. But I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm not anywhere close to being that person. And I am glad about it. I've learned from my mistakes.
I have slowly been getting back in touch with some of my girlfriends. One by one I'm starting to reach out. I feel their warm arms around me and I remember how blessed I am to have such a fantastic array of exciting, beautiful, and diverse ladies in my midst to call friends.
I did actually end up going out last night! My good friend Danielle emailed me a couple of nights ago and suggested we go dancing, and as I'd gotten a good handle on my course assignments, I decided to join her. Danielle and I are ex-sister-in-laws. To be more precise, our ex-husbands are brothers. Both of our marriages fell apart almost at the same time. But now her and I have replaced those relationships with what to me feels like a really nice friendship. She is a kindred spirit, a fairy in her own right. Danielle and I haven't always been close, in fact we never used to be friends at all even though we used to share the same family. We definitely had a rough start to our relationship. But water has drifted under the bridge, and time heals all wounds. The mistakes we made with one another have now transformed into wisdom, respect, and friendship. I am thankful for her spunky spirit, and her encouraging, optimistic view on life! She is one of the only single gal-pals I have left, and she shares the same joy and enthusiasm for dancing and good music as I do. She is a sex-kitten, and she is Trouble with a capital T. I love it! I can't share all the photos, because frankly she is way too NAUGHTY to show you the majority of them! ha! But I am including a few "tasteful" ones here. Danielle, an Aries, has a ton of energy and can keep on going for hours longer than I can. Hope you had fun at Gorg, D!
Thank goodness someone can be naughtier than me!! ha!
Three cheers for mischievous Fairies! Hip Hip...!
Today was a beautiful day in Vancouver! Days like today remind everyone why we choose to live here instead of somewhere farther east. At 12 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, everyone was out and I also wasn't about to let the day pass me by either. Of course I took my camera with me.I grabbed a Starbucks soy hot chocolate and took to Locarno Beach to enjoy the fresh air, sunshine, and beautiful scenery of the city.
Check out this little video I took, and then you too will remember why you like it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6vgZvZWf60
I am thankful to have had enough time to write in my blog today, or even to write at all while I'm taking the TESL course. I know I'm unable to get into my writing in a serious way right now, but it still feels great just being able to post something. Anything.
Here's another video I took today, driving through Vancouver. It's a little bit longer but if you've never been to Vancouver before, now you'll feel like you have!
Tonight I am going to clean Mark's house for him, since I am taking care of his place afterall and the dust bunnies are starting to pile up! I know, it's an exciting life I lead, eh? But then later on I'm going to enjoy a skype call with my man, Ries, and that is definitely exciting! Tomorrow morrning I'm going to go for a run with my classmate, Trish. It'll be our last 40 minute run before we up it to 45. It's nice to be running again, and even nicer to have someone to run with! We've decided we're going to make it a Tuesday/Thursday/Sunday thing, and it's motivating to know that someone will be there to run with even if it's pouring rain outside. Then tomorrow afternoon I will be hitting the books again, reading and developing a lesson plan for a grammar class on the past tenses. Yep, that's pretty much my life in a nutshell. But even with the mistakes, I am enjoying it.
Charleen xo
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A Little Confusion... Just a Little
When I woke up this morning I was totally confused. I didn't know where I was. I thought "I must be in Holland... I've been dreaming about Ries and Holland... so this must be Holland". I could see a couple of green trees out my window and was thinking "Funny... it looks a lot like Vancouver. I didn't know Holland had so many trees...". A few minutes later it all comes back to me. Oh yes. I am in Vancouver.
Every morning I experience the same thing. I wake up and don't know where I am, what city I'm in, or what room I'm in. When I first got back, I would wake up thinking I was in Barcelona. Some mornings I still wake up and I wonder why my room in Valencia looks so strange. Then it hits me that I'm not in Valencia. I am just a little confused these days.
Vancouver isn't the worst place on earth to wake up in, that's for sure. Considered a mild-weathered city by Canadian standards, I've only had to scrape the frost off my car windows twice so far. I've started running again, three times this week in fact. Mark's house is not too far away from the beach, and with all the paths that go around the city, living in an area that's accessible to them is pretty darn sweet. I have also gone to a few yoga classes. And we all love yoga, don't we? Through yoga I am learning how to quiet my mind. I've gotten addicted to the feeling of being physically challenged and mentally relaxed at the same time. Definitely positive.
And of course there's my TESL course that is keeping me super busy and clean. True to the vow I made to myself, I'm not letting myself get caught up by the things that kept me super pre-occupied before. I'm doing this because I know that I'm the type of person who gets easily distracted, and who has a hard time focussing for long periods of time (like anything over, say, an hour). I've not contacted too many friends at all, mostly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and have a chat, but also because I'm just not in the frame of mind to be chatty. During the week day hours I am fully in school, not even leaving the building during lunch hours. After school in the evening, if I'm lucky, I'll make it to a yoga class. But then it's straight home afterwards to read and prepare for the next day, and of course to make dinner which even seems challenging to do right now. Yesterday morning when I woke up confused and thinking I was still in Spain, I shook my head and then a second later, remembering the assignments I have due on Monday, literally crawled out of bed and went straight to my computer in my pajamas where I stayed for 5 hours. I didn't even pause to wash my face or brush my hair. Nope, I just got straight to it; I completed both of my assignments and organized my lesson plan for the class I'm supposed to teach tomorrow. I knew that if I stopped what I was doing for even one minute to call, skype, or even write a friendly email to anyone then I'd be toast! So now I have the rest of the entire weekend to do exactly what I want (ie: writing in my blog, giving myself a micro-current facelift, going to a movie, and doing a Sunday morning run). I need time to myself that is totally unscheduled, and thank goddess I was organized enough that I can now give myself exactly that. It's a hard course and can be very overwhelming. By the end of last week I had turned into a zombie, hardly speaking or participating in classroom discussions or group work. I think my teachers noticed it and tried to keep me awake by directly asking me for my input... Ugh. But hey! I am getting on with what I wanted to do, and knowing that provides me some relief from this intensity. I'm learning to do something I had never imagined I'd learn, and so of course the learning curve is huge. Do I have warm fuzzy dreams about some day becoming the best English teacher in the world? No, I admit I don't. But it feels good to be learning something new, and once I get into the swing of things I think it could be fun. I'm enjoying the inter-personal aspect of teaching. I sure don't enjoy or appreciate the amount of energy it takes my brain to create and then write out a lesson plan though. Painful, that. Painful because I have NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what I'm doing! I hope it'll get easier. It had better get easier.
In February I am definitely going to slam a tequila or three. You can bet on that! And it'll feel good because I will know that I have earned it. Earned the release. Earned the party. There is going to be a fantastic line-up of world class DJ's coming to town during the Olympics. I am looking forward to the Paul Van Dyk and Armin van Buuren concerts. And by then I'll be ready for them.
One of my favourite songs right now, I love to blast it in the car and drive real fast...
I heard someone recently say that Vancouverites spend the majority of their lives focussing on the negative aspects of positive situations. I think that pretty much sums it up, but I think Mother Nature should be held somewhat accountable for this. We all walk around like we're living under a dark cloud, and the actual fact is that we really are living under dark clouds, especially in the winter months. To keep our heads clear and focus on the very positive aspects of life in Vancouver is sometimes a challenge.
Oh yes, and true to Vancouver character, let us not forget to quickly discuss the negative aspects of a seemingly positive life. Vancouver also has what I didn't want to face - it has my "ex". Some might say "well you just need to let go of it", and believe me when I say that I would if I could. (Hallo? That's an "if" clause, using the modal verb "would", {which is also a past form of "will"}, plus the modal verb "could", to express a possible idea about the future, or to talk about a past action which has not actually happened at the time of speaking...) Old habits die hard, and I still sometimes find myself struggling with my feelings in regards to him. It always feels like rejection when I talk with him. For me this is confusing too, like I'm somehow addicted to feeling shitty. God, even just to think about it, and then to admit I'm thinking about it, makes me shake my head! But I want to be friends with him, obviously. I do remember that he was my best friend and closest confidant for 5 years, and that definitely adds to my confusion and loyalty factors now. The flip side is that I really wonder sometimes if we would be likely friends if it wasn't for our past. Lately it seems that I have no idea what planet he's from. It's like we don't even talk the same language anymore. I wonder: Did we ever? (We must have, right??)
The city is really charging up for the Olympics which start February 12. Already there are some road closures in town and the traffic situation is getting out of hand. It promises to be total chaos for those of us who live here, but probably will appear to be super organized and most likely will be a great experience for visitors to the city. The areas around the stadiums downtown and the north side of False Creek are all done up with special tents and pavillions. This morning when I went out for a run with my classmate, I remarked at how mild the weather is as we happily ran over the Cambie Street bridge and back. "I'm so glad there isn't any snow", I thought. But then I instantly felt a little guilty for not wanting snow. In a month's time, the city will seem entirely different and snow is what we'll need for the Olympics. It is a wild, surreal time for Vancouverites, for sure.
These days, the only thing that doesn't seem to make me feel confused is skyping with Ries. Yes, even with a 9 hour time difference and busy calendars, we have been able to reserve an hour for weekly skype calls with one another. Seeing his deep blue-grey eyes again and watching him smile and blush as I flirt with him... there is definitely no confusion there. I am clear on how I feel about him. He is my natural supply of Seratonin! Still I am amazed at our ability to communicate with one another, how well we do it, and that there is an attempt being made by both of us to make communication and clarity a priority. No sir, we don't have time to be confused. We don't have time for silly games. Talking with him makes me feel like I am being rewarded for my hard work and intentions in regards to relationship. Like the universe has finally brought me up to speed with my wishes. Of course there is a little bit of pain just knowing that we are not able to be together right now, and no one knows what will happen in the future. But in the moments where I feel overwhelmed, emotional, and wonder what the heck I'm doing taking a TESL course, all I have to do is bring my thoughts back to him and I feel happy.
Today there is no rain in Vancouver, and the weather is relatively warm - a balmy 10 degrees. Enough to make Vancouverites happy once again as they take to the fresh outdoors, sans umbrellas. There is always something to be happy and thankful for, even if we sometimes feel like we have to dig a little to find it. There is always something.
Charleen xo
Every morning I experience the same thing. I wake up and don't know where I am, what city I'm in, or what room I'm in. When I first got back, I would wake up thinking I was in Barcelona. Some mornings I still wake up and I wonder why my room in Valencia looks so strange. Then it hits me that I'm not in Valencia. I am just a little confused these days.
Vancouver isn't the worst place on earth to wake up in, that's for sure. Considered a mild-weathered city by Canadian standards, I've only had to scrape the frost off my car windows twice so far. I've started running again, three times this week in fact. Mark's house is not too far away from the beach, and with all the paths that go around the city, living in an area that's accessible to them is pretty darn sweet. I have also gone to a few yoga classes. And we all love yoga, don't we? Through yoga I am learning how to quiet my mind. I've gotten addicted to the feeling of being physically challenged and mentally relaxed at the same time. Definitely positive.
And of course there's my TESL course that is keeping me super busy and clean. True to the vow I made to myself, I'm not letting myself get caught up by the things that kept me super pre-occupied before. I'm doing this because I know that I'm the type of person who gets easily distracted, and who has a hard time focussing for long periods of time (like anything over, say, an hour). I've not contacted too many friends at all, mostly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and have a chat, but also because I'm just not in the frame of mind to be chatty. During the week day hours I am fully in school, not even leaving the building during lunch hours. After school in the evening, if I'm lucky, I'll make it to a yoga class. But then it's straight home afterwards to read and prepare for the next day, and of course to make dinner which even seems challenging to do right now. Yesterday morning when I woke up confused and thinking I was still in Spain, I shook my head and then a second later, remembering the assignments I have due on Monday, literally crawled out of bed and went straight to my computer in my pajamas where I stayed for 5 hours. I didn't even pause to wash my face or brush my hair. Nope, I just got straight to it; I completed both of my assignments and organized my lesson plan for the class I'm supposed to teach tomorrow. I knew that if I stopped what I was doing for even one minute to call, skype, or even write a friendly email to anyone then I'd be toast! So now I have the rest of the entire weekend to do exactly what I want (ie: writing in my blog, giving myself a micro-current facelift, going to a movie, and doing a Sunday morning run). I need time to myself that is totally unscheduled, and thank goddess I was organized enough that I can now give myself exactly that. It's a hard course and can be very overwhelming. By the end of last week I had turned into a zombie, hardly speaking or participating in classroom discussions or group work. I think my teachers noticed it and tried to keep me awake by directly asking me for my input... Ugh. But hey! I am getting on with what I wanted to do, and knowing that provides me some relief from this intensity. I'm learning to do something I had never imagined I'd learn, and so of course the learning curve is huge. Do I have warm fuzzy dreams about some day becoming the best English teacher in the world? No, I admit I don't. But it feels good to be learning something new, and once I get into the swing of things I think it could be fun. I'm enjoying the inter-personal aspect of teaching. I sure don't enjoy or appreciate the amount of energy it takes my brain to create and then write out a lesson plan though. Painful, that. Painful because I have NO FRIGGIN' IDEA what I'm doing! I hope it'll get easier. It had better get easier.
In February I am definitely going to slam a tequila or three. You can bet on that! And it'll feel good because I will know that I have earned it. Earned the release. Earned the party. There is going to be a fantastic line-up of world class DJ's coming to town during the Olympics. I am looking forward to the Paul Van Dyk and Armin van Buuren concerts. And by then I'll be ready for them.
One of my favourite songs right now, I love to blast it in the car and drive real fast...
I heard someone recently say that Vancouverites spend the majority of their lives focussing on the negative aspects of positive situations. I think that pretty much sums it up, but I think Mother Nature should be held somewhat accountable for this. We all walk around like we're living under a dark cloud, and the actual fact is that we really are living under dark clouds, especially in the winter months. To keep our heads clear and focus on the very positive aspects of life in Vancouver is sometimes a challenge.
Oh yes, and true to Vancouver character, let us not forget to quickly discuss the negative aspects of a seemingly positive life. Vancouver also has what I didn't want to face - it has my "ex". Some might say "well you just need to let go of it", and believe me when I say that I would if I could. (Hallo? That's an "if" clause, using the modal verb "would", {which is also a past form of "will"}, plus the modal verb "could", to express a possible idea about the future, or to talk about a past action which has not actually happened at the time of speaking...) Old habits die hard, and I still sometimes find myself struggling with my feelings in regards to him. It always feels like rejection when I talk with him. For me this is confusing too, like I'm somehow addicted to feeling shitty. God, even just to think about it, and then to admit I'm thinking about it, makes me shake my head! But I want to be friends with him, obviously. I do remember that he was my best friend and closest confidant for 5 years, and that definitely adds to my confusion and loyalty factors now. The flip side is that I really wonder sometimes if we would be likely friends if it wasn't for our past. Lately it seems that I have no idea what planet he's from. It's like we don't even talk the same language anymore. I wonder: Did we ever? (We must have, right??)
The city is really charging up for the Olympics which start February 12. Already there are some road closures in town and the traffic situation is getting out of hand. It promises to be total chaos for those of us who live here, but probably will appear to be super organized and most likely will be a great experience for visitors to the city. The areas around the stadiums downtown and the north side of False Creek are all done up with special tents and pavillions. This morning when I went out for a run with my classmate, I remarked at how mild the weather is as we happily ran over the Cambie Street bridge and back. "I'm so glad there isn't any snow", I thought. But then I instantly felt a little guilty for not wanting snow. In a month's time, the city will seem entirely different and snow is what we'll need for the Olympics. It is a wild, surreal time for Vancouverites, for sure.
These days, the only thing that doesn't seem to make me feel confused is skyping with Ries. Yes, even with a 9 hour time difference and busy calendars, we have been able to reserve an hour for weekly skype calls with one another. Seeing his deep blue-grey eyes again and watching him smile and blush as I flirt with him... there is definitely no confusion there. I am clear on how I feel about him. He is my natural supply of Seratonin! Still I am amazed at our ability to communicate with one another, how well we do it, and that there is an attempt being made by both of us to make communication and clarity a priority. No sir, we don't have time to be confused. We don't have time for silly games. Talking with him makes me feel like I am being rewarded for my hard work and intentions in regards to relationship. Like the universe has finally brought me up to speed with my wishes. Of course there is a little bit of pain just knowing that we are not able to be together right now, and no one knows what will happen in the future. But in the moments where I feel overwhelmed, emotional, and wonder what the heck I'm doing taking a TESL course, all I have to do is bring my thoughts back to him and I feel happy.
Today there is no rain in Vancouver, and the weather is relatively warm - a balmy 10 degrees. Enough to make Vancouverites happy once again as they take to the fresh outdoors, sans umbrellas. There is always something to be happy and thankful for, even if we sometimes feel like we have to dig a little to find it. There is always something.
Charleen xo
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