No Regrets

Did I mention that one of my "intents" for the New Year is to do a major purge?  I want to unload a ton of stuff!  The best time to do this is when you are moving, or have just moved.  So it's perfect timing for me and I am starting right NOW. 

My new home in South Granville

I'm feeling a little aggressive about it actually, like I just can't wait to get it done!  After 3 weeks in my new home and finally having unpacked all of my essentials, I am eager to forge through this next huge job and get it crossed off my list once and for all.  For all those months that I sat quietly, I am now ready to get busy on this!  And considering how much energy it takes to load even one box onto a dolly and cart it into my suite, I will be glad to get rid of all of them!  Either I'm getting old or I am just seriously out of shape, because I just can't stand lifting heavy boxes anymore.  The thought of carting all of that extra baggage around with me makes me feel kindof nauseous actually.  Whatever the reason, it is a good enough excuse for me to want to get rid of almost everything.

But as much as I'd love to do that, I know that I won't.  One has to be practical when purging: what good is getting rid of everything if you're just going to need to go out and get something exactly like it later on?  So last night I carefully, and almost without emotion, went through a total of 7 boxes that I'd brought up from my storage locker in my building, and which I hadn't opened for two years.  After sorting through them, I am happy to report that I am able to get rid of two right off the bat (if any of you want candle holders or paperback books, speak now or forever hold your peace!).  One big box will go back to my ex.  I'm tired of keeping around all those memories, and they've been weighing me down in a major way.  Obviously this process is completely attached to my emotional well-being and spiritual growth, too.

I love the patio the most...

And let's just talk about that for a minute, shall we?  Those memories that I've packed up in a box to be sent back include lots of beautiful pictures (wedding and otherwise), cd's, books, trinkets, cards that I kept (yes, I'm a little sentimental), and the DVD of our wedding ceremony in Ibiza.  While all the rest definitely triggered some emotion from me, that one little flat disc that takes up so very little space in a box actually was the thing that took up the most amount of space in my heart.  When I dug it out of one of the boxes, I knew it had to be done.  I popped it into my blue ray and sat down on my living room floor with a box of Kleenex and big piece of organic chocolate to watch, for the last time, my wedding ceremony.  It made me laugh, it made me cry.  I am now more touched than ever with the energy that my two best friends, Mark and Leigh, put out to come to Ibiza and celebrate alongside of us.  I remember being super nervous that day - what bride isn't?  But this time as I watched the DVD I saw a bunch of things that I hadn't noticed before.  For the first time I realized how nervous he was too.  At the time of our wedding I thought he was so calm, so quiet, and so strong.  But as I watched the DVD again I realized his silence was completely due to nervousness!  As the DVD started to play, I once again heard the sound of the crickets that are so common in the heat of the summer in Spain, and felt the peace that I remember washing over the entire group of us while the Mediterranean twinkled up at us.  Bride and Groom looked healthy, vibrant and tanned from lying on the beach in Southern France in the week prior to the wedding.  We were in our prime.  It still brought tears to my eyes, hearing us read the vows we wrote for one another.  There were funny parts as well, and this time I giggled out loud while watching them.  After the ceremony we both seemed like ourselves again, and super charged because of what we'd just achieved.  

Today I have to honestly say that I have no feelings of regret.  Watching that DVD again was definitely something that I had to do.  Thankfully I'm not destroyed by it; I'm not even close to falling to pieces.  I am a little blue, but I'm also happy; happy for what we both created on that cliff side, and for the intention that was put into it.  And I guess most importantly for me in all this is that, after watching that DVD, I can no longer tell myself that I am a failure at love.  I'm pretty good at love actually.  I may not be the easiest person to get to know, but love?  Why heck, that's easy.

My little kitchen

What a great load to get off my back!  Just like the boxes in my storage locker that are weighing me down and need to be purged, I've gotten what I needed from that DVD and I'm now more than happy to unload it.  It's time it found a new home.

My girlfriend Brenda always reminds me that when one door shuts, another one opens.  It's just that this one particular door has been so heavy and wide that I haven't been able to shut it very easily.  I've definitely gathered a lot of strength and wisdom in trying to push it closed though, and that is a good thing.  I think perhaps one of the hardest parts about being a human being is the pain that we each have to endure in order to learn something, in order to grow.  It is painful, yet at the same time it is also so damn beautiful.  Lessons like these.... well, they really are the reason why we are here, aren't they?

As soon as I'm finished going through my storage locker here at home, I will go back out to my big, ugly storage locker in South Van and purge all of what remains there, too.  This is a job that I'm going to work diligently at until it's done.  I have no more time or energy to keep this stuff around, and the longer I wait to clean it out, the longer my healing process will take.  Once that job is done, I will be so happy to finally, and hopefully easily, shut the door to that storage locker, too.

And that will be very soon. 

Charleen xo

A Good Year

All signs point to a good year.  Full speed ahead, Captain!

It's been a long time since I've written and my fingers feel creaky and slow behind my thoughts.   My thoughts seem slow behind my visions.  I have lost my edge.  I'm rusty.

But what better time to decide to take up the activities that you've been missing, or a new pleasure that you've always wanted to try?  Some say they don't make New Years' resolutions.  Okay, we won't call it a "resolution", per say.  We can just call it an "intent".  It is my intent for 2011 to get back into it: the writing, the physical fitness, the living for the moment, and the enjoyment of freedom.

My latest news is that after a long search, many undesirable viewings, and a whole bunch of trips back and forth to the Insecurity Market , I finally found a new home that I can call my own; a little apartment in Vancouver's South Granville area. 

http://southgranville.info/

But what a psychological trip that decision was!  Even after I'd signed the lease I remained nervous, as if all of my basic adult capabilities had gone out the window along with my self-esteem.  I questioned and doubted everything that I was about to do.  What if it's too small?  What if I move in and don't like it?  What if there's something wrong with the place?  What if my neighbours are cranky?  The "what if's" would not stop coming, and on Christmas Day I got knocked down with food poisoning which was the start to an otherwise crappy and super stressful Christmas holiday.  By the time moving day came, I was just an ugly glob of sickly looking mush!  Anyone could have come by and pushed me over with just their finger, that's how weak I felt.  It seemed as if all my hang-ups and fears had come back to haunt me, and they wanted their day of reckoning RIGHT NOW!  Eyes puffy and dark from crying, I felt like the decision to have somewhere I could call "home" had done nothing but open up a disgusting can of worms.   After being sealed tight and stuffed into a storage locker in South Van for almost two years, it seemed like every single box brought a new wave of pain, tears, and self-doubt.  Thankfully, with the help of some good movers and a couple of very good friends who came to my rescue to help me unpack my kitchen just when I thought I was about to lose it (thanks Danielle and Maggie!), I somehow kept it together.   Hyper-sensitive and over-tired, I sliced a chunk off my thumb on New Year's Eve while attempting to make dinner, and  it bled for several hours afterwards.  That too brought upon another surge of tears and the acknowledgment that it could have been so much worse.  After that maneuver I was damn lucky to even have a thumb!  Lying in my deliciously comfy bed which had just been freshly removed from storage, crying my eyes out and holding my wounded thumb in the air feeling sorry for myself, I realized right then that it was actually the epitome of my life.  "It could have been so much worse".  I heard the words ringing in my head.  And in that tiny moment just before my tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and before I finally drifted off to sleep, I understood that it was time to let everything go and to just accept that I was going to be alright.  It was time to accept that everything was, and is, going to work out for me.  I had to accept that there is a perfect plan for me. 

I surrendered.

Now two weeks later and fully back into the swing of things, my boxes are unpacked for the most part (except for several that I unfortunately have no room for and which I have to keep in storage while I go about the chore of purging them, one by one), my home is in order and my life seems like it is taking its own shape again.  I am finally getting back to the gym more often and thoroughly enjoying the Steve Nash Fitness Club in downtown Vancouver, conveniently located only a block and a half away from my office.  I have plans to go dancing with Maggie again this Saturday night at The Commodore (that's right - some things will never change!).  When I come "home" in the evenings, I am able to sit quietly in my own living room, sans roommate and teenaged son, and decide whether to watch TV for awhile, or write in my blog.  I had forgotten what it felt like: the simple pleasure of poking around.  As I look out my 10 foot high windows and onto my just recently scrubbed deck, I feel relaxed and nourished by the privacy of the green trees and plants that surround my home.  I am here at home on a Monday night, fuzzy socks and housecoat on, my dishwasher softly working away in the kitchen.  I think to myself "Wow, what gifts!"  Gifts that I probably took for granted so much in previous years that I didn't even know how to be thankful for them.  And now here I am: Alone.  Single.  Quiet.  Thankful.

Of course no celebration of a new year is complete without at least one outing to go dancing to world class trance music and watch a molto-sexy, world class DJ shake his butt all night long.  And Maggie and I definitely made certain that we sampled every ounce of that kind of experience and went out together on New Years' Day to take in the Markus Schultz concert at Gossip.  We had back stage passes and tons of room for dancing, and even sat around and laughed and chatted with friendly Mr. Schultz before the show.  I normally don't celebrate New Years' Eve - it's so completely overrated.  But New Years' Day with Markus Schultz??  One would have to be just plain crazy to pass over that kind of shake down!

Maggie and Char

Wannabe Rock Stars and current MS Groupies

We love Markus!

On the last night of my Christmas vacation I finally got out to trial-run my new snowboarding gear with my good friend, Mark, up at Cypress Mountain.  On a crystal clear and cold Monday night, we rode the Sky Chair and watched the red sun set behind Bowen Island and Howe Sound.  I realized how bloody lucky I was to be there, alive and healthy.  Why had I never seen how pretty it was before? 

A very cool thing in my life right now is that each Wednesday evening I meet with a new friend, a young man from Valencia, Spain (of all places!) who has come to Vancouver with his girlfriend to work for a year.  He truly wants to speak English as much as possible and in as many situations as possible.  We swap languages and it works out perfectly for both of us.  For awhile there I thought I'd have to give up on Spanish, but now and without any effort at all a new friend has come into my life and he wants exactly what I want.  I am glad about this!

This past weekend I think it really hit home with me how very single I am.  It is so awesome to intuitively do things at my own pace, and without considering someone else's schedule.  It went something like this:

• Friday after work I picked up my new custom made L-Shaped patio bench
• Hung two pieces of art (still have more to do, but whatever)
• Went for a beer at Café Barney – crappy local hangout and the only place in South Gran to grab a pint
• Slept 12 hours
• Woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, cooked myself French Toast for breakfast and happily ate it at my own table!
• Organized and purged my dresser and closets while listening to an old Ministry of Sound CD at full volume
• Took a long, hot bath with fragrant bath salts
• Skype-called a friend overseas
• Finalized and confirmed my accommodation in both Utrecht and Amsterdam for February
• Drove out to IKEA to purchase some new space savers for my home
• Stopped in at my old place in South Van to pick up mail
• Brought two big garbage bags and a box full of winter clothes and coats to Covenant House (they take donations any time, by the way...)
• Went to a dinner party on Saturday night with the zany photographer man from East Van and his posse
• Sunday a.m. breakfast on East Hastings with East Van Man
• Did all my grocery shopping
• Bought a tarp at 3 Vets to cover my new patio bench
• Came home and scrubbed the crap out of my big awesome patio, and now it is slime-free and super clean and pretty
• Purchased tickets to Sasha at the Commodore for this coming Saturday night (YEEHOO!)
• Took a glorious and rare two hour siesta
• East Van Man helped me to finally hang my spice rack and under-cabinet lighting in my kitchen
• Listened to a full CD of Armin Van Buuren's new "A State of Trance Year Mix 2010", just released December 17 and autographed by Armin himself!
• Cooked dinner for East Van Man while he constructed the pain-in-the-ars dresser from IKEA that I had purchased the day before
• Put remainder of clothes (work out gear) into my new dresser and finally got ALL my suitcases and boxes off the floor
• Took out the garbage and the recycling
• Vacuumed my apartment 
• Loaded all my spices into the spice rack and got rid of another two more boxes
• Cleaned the kitchen
• Watched a movie on my Sony Bravia TV
• Fell asleep around 11:00 pm

Now THAT is a full weekend! 

My face has aged and my body has too. My spine is curled from months of sorrow and self-hatred, and when I look in the mirror I don't see the pretty woman who wrote her own vows of commitment and recited them to her fiancee atop a cliff in the Mediterranean only a few short years ago, thinking "...Now my life is set in stone!"  No, I am not that person any longer. But in my new space I feel like, somehow, I can start to recreate myself again.  Like I can become who I'm really supposed to be and flourish because my choices are my own. Sitting atop my Chintz & Co. fluffy cream coloured sofa that I've just recently rescued from my storage unit, I can't help but think that, simply, the timing is right. It has been long in coming, this rediscovery of Me. And now that I can choose for myself, I know that I will choose a life of freedom, humour, spontaneity, honesty and love. 

And it feels like I really am living it.

Charleen xo