Courage

Courage is defined as "a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear".  I don't know if I totally agree with that definition.  I would alter it slightly to say that one has courage even if they do show fear.  I think courage is the ability to confront your fears, to act upon them even though you know you may get burned.  It's following through even though you don't know what the end result may be.  It's going with your intuition. 

On a sunny Thursday afternoon in Calgary as I sip a Corona in a restaurant on trendy 17th Avenue and watch Calgarians pass by, I have to ask myself: Am I courageous?

Courage is a personal thing.  There isn't any one person who is qualified to point their finger at another person and proclaim them to be courageous or not courageous.  What might be easy for me to think about or do could be really difficult for someone else, and visa versa.  I definitely know what it feels like to look at fear in the face and be locked frozen in place because of it.  I can only say that this week for some reason I feel more courageous.  But maybe coming to Calgary to look for work isn't an act of courage, I don't know.  People might weigh it differently.  But this ain't about other people, now is it?

I'll be walking down the street and suddenly it hits me that I'm moving ahead without the husband I thought I'd be with for life, and in a completely different direction than I thought I would going in.  It still surprises the hell out of me and brings me to momentary tears.  I have to stop in my tracks and give my head a shake.  I have to remember that everything happens for a reason.  I shove my discouraging feelings over and continue to make room for hope.  This is something I continue to work with every single day.  That takes courage.

In Calgary: My friend Laureen and her dog Benny

Laureen is one of the most courageous women I know.

I just had a Skype call with my German friend, Ralf, who I met in Ibiza last October at the Festival d'Otono.  Ralf is an Aquarian who has a sarcastic sense of humour and who is like many Aquarians: truly detached from people and things.  He doesn't give a shit about anything, or at least that's what he says.  Maybe he's just figured out how to get by in life without caring?  Curious, I try to pull him into deeper conversation about the meaning of life, a likely conversation between two Aquarians.  He goes there only momentarily with me and then pulls back, covering himself over with a blanket of ambiguous answers and bitter laughter.  His journey is definitely different than mine.  I have always been curious about people, their reasons for existence, and the way they view this crazy world.  Understanding the mystery of a human being is just one of those things I've always loved.  Watching Ralf on the screen of my laptop, I naturally want to know how he has come to be the person he is, what makes him tick, and what's really going on inside that defiant mind of his.  He considers the human journey to be a "solo" one.  He says that in the end we are alone.  All we ever really have is ourselves anyways, so everything else is irrelevant.  And I have to say that I agree with him somewhat.  When I walk down a street in downtown Calgary, I realize that it is true: I am alone.  I am living my own life, going in my own direction without giving any reasons to anyone else for my actions.  Now that I'm here considering this I can honestly say that life must be going according to plan, everything must be perfect.

But are we really truly alone?  Maybe being alone is just a momentary feeling?  While I require lots of personal time to ponder life, I can't say that I really "want" to be alone.  If we're really honest with ourselves, doesn't everyone want to be with someone?  I believe that we are all a part of one whole, so therefore we are each a part of one another, delicately connected to every living being.  If I see something in someone that I don't like, then I have to admit that it is really a part of me that I don't like, and they are just a mirror of that likeness.  Likewise, if I see something I really do like in someone then that is also a part of me.  If we are all so interconnected, how can we really ever be alone?     

I look around this city and I look for the differences between here and Vancouver.  The streets are grey and dusty from the layers of sand and gravel throw down during the long, icy winter months.  My shoes get dirty here, the legs of my slacks need dusting off every couple of hours.  But in Vancouver my feet get soggy wet, and my pant legs get drenched if I'm not wearing a trench coat.  Two distinct differences right there.  Here in Calgary there are lots of 4x4 trucks, but gas is cheap.  In Vancouver there are lots of BMW's and gas is expensive.  Completely different.  I notice the differences in the people, their facial expressions, their body language, and their overall mentality.  Of course I'm generalizing, but it is obvious to me that people here are much friendlier.  A person watches me walk down the street toting my laptop bag behind me and warmly smiles and says "Hey, where are you going?  Is it somewhere exciting?  Can I come with?", or strikes up a random conversation as I walk in to a cafe, socially saying: "Hi there!  Say, are you a lawyer?"  I smile and joke back and forth allowing their cheerful spirits to warm my cool, Vancouver heart.  Their accents are different.  They are closer to what I think a real Canadian is supposed to be like: friendly, easy-going, non-judgmental, unpretentious, neighbourly.  It's been a positive few days.  I think for now I'm going to keep one foot here and one foot in Vancouver.  And at least here the girls who serve me coffee don't have a snippy little attitude...

(whoops.  that was a dig.  I apologize!)
(but it's true!)

I haven't yet figured out if it's an inherent need inside of me to just keep on moving, if I'm actually running away from something, or if I just don't want to settle at all.  Or, maybe it's just the thrill and the adventure of finding something new, of experiencing different things and exploring life, and finding out how I act in all the variations of it that keeps me going.  Maybe it's a little of all of it?  Either way I look at it, I feel good getting out of Vancouver.  I feel strengthened by my trip here.  I feel hopeful.  I even feel courageous.

Charleen xo