The Practical Dreamer

Trance music and trips abroad aside, one must always come home to face the music.

In trying to sort out which direction the Universe wants me to walk in, I've only been able to figure out one thing for sure: that's to go with my heart.  As much as my mind wants to play games on me to force me into being Miss Responsible, Miss Practical, I just can't do it.  In the last few months since I've been back in Vancouver, and especially in the last few weeks, I've had some amazing power interviews for some amazing power positions.  But ironically the only job that I have actually been offered is the one I don't want.  If it makes me feel like barfing then I just can't say yes to it, no matter how practical it seems. 

And there's another good part of me that is just practical enough, and maybe even desperate enough now, that might allow me to take a job that isn't exactly what I want if some other factors seemed cool enough. That would make up for the lack of depth, wouldn't it?  Well, wouldn't it?  I'm starting to take it personally that I haven't found anything here yet, although I know there's something huge going on in the Universe right now.  Something massive is going down on this planet and it's giving a lot of people a good shaking, not just me.  Why is the planet experiencing so many earthquakes lately?  Look around you and you'll see that tons of people, maybe even yourself included, also feel that their lives are being thrown off course.  People feel unsettled, nervous, ungrounded, or doubtful about their future.  Still, I can't help but wish that everything would just finally come together for me.  I wish I could just find that elusive job, that one awesome opportunity that would be challenging and rewarding, and something I'd have to work hard at for a change.  I can't help but wonder: what am I doing wrong?

Today I bought my first ESL resource: a picture book on vocabulary which will be perfect for a beginner ESL student.  Why did it take me so long to buy a single book, you ask?  I don't know if there is only one answer for that, but I have been feeling so out of sorts since coming back here in January that it's just taken me this long to get to it.  From a month of intensive TESL training, to another month of working 3 jobs and taking in the Olympics, to then another month of moving and settling and countless interviews and time spent researching job prospects, I think my adrenal glands have been on overload!  Some days I just want to come home to my cozy room up here on 40th and Fraser and do nothing but veg and decompress.  All of this, plus still having a random day when I can feel pretty darn blue, well, what can I say?  I think I've done a good job at keeping it all together, but still I don't feel content or at peace with the direction my life is going.  I hope I'm developing some grace in all of this, but to be honest I just don't know if I am.  Recently I've started to gain a bit more energy and enthusiasm for life.  So with a slight boost in energy, I'm going to slowly start to put together my own library of resources from which to fall back on.  Hopefully I'll be able to teach in Spain one day, or any other Spanish speaking country, or possibly one of several countries in Europe that I'd feel right at home in.  For now though, I'm still pounding it out in Vancouver. 

I can't continue hanging out here forever, waiting to see what time will dish me.  Something's gotta give.  It will most likely take a miracle to keep me here.  Years ago, I put the idea of a move away from Vancouver out into the ethers, and probably too often.  Now finally the universe is lining it all up so I really can't stay here any longer.  And with little to no job prospects on the horizon, that is what it seems like to me. I guess it is true that we create our own reality.  Who knew that it takes such a long time for dreams to work themselves into reality. Patience is something I never knew I had, but having to sit back and watch things unfold these past months I think I can say I've definitely learned it.  

One cool thing that I've recently developed the space and energy for in my life again is kickboxing!  There's a great place in Vancouver called "30 Minute Hit".  A couple of years ago I trained for two years with a Muay Thai kickboxing instructor, and now I feel right at home in this little place.  The best part is beating the living crap out of a dummy called "Bob" right at the end of the workout.  Poor Bob.  He really got the brunt of my frustration and confusion today. 

http://www.30minutehit.com/

Last night I also made space in my life for my very first runway show - the Jacqueline Conoir Fall/Winter 2010 Collection Fashion Show. 

http://www.jcstudio.ca/

My good friend Mark came along with me, and we were fortunate to sit front row and centre for a glorious runway presentation of some very fine articles of clothing that had me drooling and exclaiming "Oooh! I want that, I want that!" all night long.  Giggling while people watching and sipping champagne, Mark especially got a good case of whiplash from trying to regard all the luscious ladies walking around the place.  Well, even I have to admit that women are nice to look at, nicer to look at than men even.  What can I say? 

Are these things enough to satisfy me here?  No, Vancouver is slowing down both professionally and personally for me.  I don't know what could keep me here too much longer, not even Ultimate Frisbee or Wreck Beach, the two things I mostly enjoyed and lived for at one point in my life.  Ahhh yes.  We all love those beautiful Vancouver summers, don't we?  We're reminded about Vancouver summers on days like today, where the sun comes out and the breeze warms up, and people take off their coats and put on their sunglasses.  If we're really honest about it, it's probably one of the only things that keeps people living here.  It's funny: I used to see such greatness here.  Now I feel blocked.  You might try to convince me otherwise by saying "oh, you just have to look at it this way", or "you just have to do this differently"... But maybe not?  I think I've had a good run of it.  But maybe it just really is time for something new?  A little internal earthquake, so to speak.  Well I guess that already happened.  So maybe this is just the after shock?    :)

So stay tuned for the next episode of "What Ever Will Become Of Charleen?"  As soon as I know something, you'll hear of it.

Charleen xo