Onto the Next

After countless hours and days of talking, arguing, crying, and bashing it out with my ex husband, today I handed over the first round of paper work required for the divorce proceedings to begin.  For the past year, I have tried to find some home for my broken heart to rest, I have looked for some solace amidst the destruction of my marriage, and for peace to fill the void in my life.  That hasn't happened.  Because really at the end of the day, I do have a broken heart that remains un-mended, and I do feel a huge void in my life.  There is a space where my ex was supposed to be sitting, where I had placed him firmly into my life and my future, and he is no longer there.

The couple of people I have talked to about this seem to think this is a good thing.  God, it's like people are completely oblivious to pain or something.  One particular conversation with a friend stands out for me, wherein she admitted that she just "assumed" I was "over it", because it has been a year.  That just shows that very few are really able to comprehend the depth of sadness and pain that I've been living through.  Sometimes I really do feel that there are, maybe, only one or two people on the entire planet who really can honestly say that they understand.  No one wants to know about it.  Everyone has their own lives. 

I do admit that I have had several moments of clarity and light regarding this hopeless mess.  I have seen a path lit quite clearly and that reminds me that this has all been for a reason, for my enlightenment, and for a chance at something better.  I have glimpsed down that path and I confess that it is a wonderful place.  But the darkness still follows me around.  Fighting, I feel that I am always fighting it off.  I used to always have recurring types of dreams that I was fighting off bandits, running away, hiding, throwing knives and shooting rifles, kickboxing them to the ground, only to keep on running down endless hallways again, still being chased, the villains trying to destroy me nonstop.  Well since last year I haven't had those dreams.  That is because I have been fully living them.  And I am so fucking sick of fighting them off.

So I tossed him his paperwork and said "There, now you get your divorce".  We drank our coffee in silence until he reached out for my hand, which I didn't take.  I wanted to show I was strong, I wanted to show I had my pride.  "Why should he have the pleasure of holding my hand?" I thought.  He gave up that right a long time ago when he announced suddenly one day that he was "done" with me.  Hot angry tears welled up in my eyes and I fought to hold them back, trying not to feel a thing.  I glanced over at him and saw the pain on his face.  How can a real woman not be affected by such pain?  So I touched his hand, and then he took mine and held it firmly, as the tears I'd been bravely fighting back finally slid down my cheeks.  We sat there in silence for awhile before I could start talking.  Talking for what feels like the millionth time about how I just can't understand why he let his feelings go so far down the tube without talking to me about it.  Talking about how things got so messed up without even an insightful word to me, or an attempt to mend things.  Talking about all the things he should have said to me when he felt them and that I'm only just hearing about now.  Talking talking talking talking and getting no where.  I'm sorry to say that I still don't get it.

And I guess I never will.  Because I've talked until I'm blue in the face.  I've cried until I no longer resemble the woman I once was, my face all wrinkled up and blotchy from weeping.  I've searched and asked questions of myself and found answers that I never knew existed.  I have tried, God knows I have tried.  Forgiveness only comes in stages - it is an ongoing process of deep reflection and humble self-awareness that brings waves of realization and emotion, followed by acceptance.

Is there ever truly a happy ending to the conclusion of a marriage?  Some say they were able to have "amicable" endings to their own marriages, but does that mean it was happy?  I guess maybe it's inevitable to be sad.  Maybe I had to go through this?

In conversation with my mom the other night, she told me that she found it "very sad" that him and I couldn't work it out.  Gee mom, do you really think so?  Like, what the heck have I been feeling for over a year now if it wasn't sad??  There was disapproval in her voice, and I got the distinct feeling that she felt I hadn't tried hard enough to save it.  A year and a bit afterwards, I can say without a doubt that I tried.  I did my best and I fought bravely for this Cause.  And I know that I have done all that I could.

Do I understand him any more now, a year after?  Do I accept all of this any more easily than I did a year ago?  Actually, yes I do.  I do understand him more.  I still think he is beautiful, and I still have such great compassion for him that it can bring tears to my eyes the moment I think about him.  But at the same time I think he's an ass for not talking about what was going on for him, using the excuse that it's "hard" to communicate his feelings.  I know he's not the only guy on the planet using that excuse.  But what if we all fell back on that one?  Would any relationship stand a chance?  I think I deserve better than that, and that's what makes it easier to accept.

I am sooooo looking forward to reaching that light at the end of the dark tunnel.  I can feel that it is warm, it is loving, and it is full of opportunities.  Somewhere deep inside of me I know that Truth.  Until then I am going to continue to walk down this hazey path, not knowing where my feet will land.  Because frankly if I can live through this past year, then I can live through anything.   

Charleen xo