Thrown Off Course

I'd like to start this post by personally thanking and recognizing Armin van Buuren for bringing 30,000 people together in one time and space to share one cosmic vibe.  It was spiritual, and it is evidence of a serious dialing-in in consciousness.  Thank you, Armin van Buuren. http://www.astateoftrance.com/

Last week I took a trip to The Netherlands to attend Armin van Buuren's "A State of Trance 550" in Den Bosch.  As this was such a huge event, I had planned the trip some time ago with my friend Edwin, who I met in Ibiza at the "Be At Space Closing Party" last September.  It was meant to be a very fast-paced yet well organized trip.  I left on a Thursday eve and came back on a Tuesday eve.  To say I'm still recovering would be an understatement.  Yet it's not just plain old jetlag that is zapping my energy.  It feels like something's happened; something deep and new and almost at a cellular level.  I know it sounds strange but I can't think of any other way to describe it.

What is it exactly that's caused this deep change within me?  Was it just because I so desperately needed to get out of the negative work environment I've been in ever since taking this new job last September?  Was it just the feeling of relief to get out of the country and away from everyone that has been affecting me?  It's true that I've not been myself for the last several months, yet I can't say that this is the full reason for what feels like a huge shift inside of me.

Was it the music and the lights that carried me away to another galaxy, another realm?  It is true that spending 8 or 9 hours in that type of an atmosphere, along with 30,000 other like-minded people, can make you feel like your mind is being blown apart, opened.  But suggesting that the music is the entire reason for my change would be a total exaggeration.

Could it have been all the amazing, spiritual, open-minded, and loving people I met?  To me, Edwin's friends seem like they come from the same star.  How long have I been searching for them??  They all received me so well and told me that they understood me the instant we met.  I felt flattered but more than that, I felt truly accepted, like I was finally at home with my people.  That alone will shake the very ground you walk on when you return to your own country and into a life that no longer seems to represent you in any way, shape or form.  These people made me question my friendships back home on planet Canada.  What does it mean to be a friend?  And what types of people should I be surrounding myself with?

Was it simply just remembering what it felt like to be free and on vacation?  Roaming the streets of London in the warm spring sunshine, cruising down a highway in Holland while listening to loud trance music, or spending three full days hanging out in continuous Dutch conversation?  This for sure is a big part of who I am; me being the fairy, butterfly, and freedom seeker.  Heck, I even started to understand Dutch this time around!  I have always been curious about people, cultures, and languages.  But no.  This is not quite the answer to my confusion either. 

Was it the love and acceptance I felt while I was there? A girl loves to be adored, and looked upon as mysterious and sexy.  With plenty of hunky men around to dance and sing with during the event, it's only natural for a gal to feel thrilled.  Even though I feel this way every time I go back to Holland, can I really say it's about that??  Or was it just that they were simply mirrored back to themselves through my eyes? 
Maybe it's maybe all of the above. But whatever the single answer is for my current state-of-mind, I know it is a loud, booming call for a change on almost all levels of my life.  Everything has to change - my work, my friends, my actions, my thoughts, my directions, possibly my home... my entire life.  And as I sit here this long Easter weekend knowing this truth from the deepest part of my Self, waves of tears and emotions run through me and keep me inside my little apartment and away from people for the most part.  I have been letting myself cry and then letting myself sleep whenever I need to.  I've also somehow, just by simply holding a space for patience and respect for whatever it is I'm going through, managed to do the spring cleaning of my little home here in South Granville.  The patio is swept and debris free, the tarp is off the table and the bench cushions are airing out.  Cobwebs have been swept from the corners of my 10 foot ceilings and all the windows, inside and out, have been cleaned.  I've done three loads of laundry and some hand-washing, which is a lot for one single gal.  Spring cleaning is a bit of a cliche, I know, but it does feel like there is something going on - a rebirth almost.  I've gone out for a long bike ride and felt the warm burn in my quads as I climbed Birch Street towards 15th Avenue.  I've allowed myself a couple of siestas and let myself get to bed early each night.  Each morning when I wake up I feel quieted by the knowledge that something big is going to have to go down in order for me to get to who I'm really supposed to be.  It has been a weekend full of humility and emotion; a weekend where I've felt everything from shame to grief, to anger and then acceptance, from fear to courage, to clarity.  I've looked over the videos and photos I took on my journey overseas and I laughed outloud, giggled at parts, and at some places I felt butterflies in my stomach all over again.  After I've finished uploading everything onto my Facebook page, the tears start falling again.  I miss my friends.  Why the hell do I have to live so far away??  Why do I have to live here at all?  I know all these feelings are not just my imagination; I have changed, and to me it's so deep that it feels like all my cells have been shaken loose of old dust and build-up, and I am more clear now than ever before.  Kindof like sweeping the cobwebs from the corners of my apartment.  I just can't explain it anymore than this.  It just is.  I am different.

While I've been mostly expecting to have received a job offer from a company in Calgary with whom I flew out to interview with in March, I am starting to get the feeling that an offer won't be coming any time soon from them.  The thing is that I've already prepared myself to leave and I don't think I can stop myself now.  I guess maybe this was the push I needed to open my mind to receiving any other experience that comes in.  I guess everything really is for a reason.  I'm ready for a move.  Let it be, let it happen. 

My family most likely aren't able to understand the depths of my emotions at this time in my life, and I wonder if they ever really have.  They sure don't understand me gallivanting across the Atlantic to attend a "trance" event - to them that seems impractical in a big way.  To me that I have fewer and fewer friends with whom I can truly share my experiences with.  Well, I guess I'm having myself a bit of a pity party and I've been feeling alone this weekend.  If it weren't for the constant companionship of my good friend and confidant, Malcolm, then I don't know how I would have gotten through it.  Although Malcolm and I have had our share of ups and downs, he is proving to be my most stead-fast friend.  He is an Aries and so is very good at being in the moment, although he certainly can't plan for the future very well.  I do just the opposite.  So he is helping me to slow down my thoughts, to not jump too fast to conclusions, and to give myself more patience during this changing time.  Soon my job will come to an end as the position is being moved to Toronto and restructured in a major way.  Of course the news of this pisses me off, but my part in all of this is that I said yes in the first place and when I already had another job offer on the table from a reputable firm.  So what have I learned?  Can someone tell me please?  I imagine I will figure it out sooner or later.  I am annoyed, but relieved.  And I am also now in a harder spot - I will be out of a job in a very short time.  I know changing times are on my door step.  I am scared, but I also feel it's high time.

You know, in many ways I feel like I'm re-visiting something here.  Revisiting some old lessons or some old habits.  I guess I thought I'd cleared it all away but it turns out that I have some hard studying to do yet.  The lessons never end, it seems.  I've been thrown off course in a big way and I feel like the only thing that I can do to help myself is to remain quiet, humble, and open to anything.  I need to also question myself: was I ever on course to begin with? 

In the weeks ahead I will remember the friends I've met in Holland and the music and the lights and the happiness that came with it, and I hope that all of that will give me strength.  I will remember what they said when they first met me: "You are so BIG!  Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not!"  When I think of them, I see only bright light.  I'm certain these Bright Beings were put here on this planet to give me courage.  I'm thankful, because I'm going to need it. 

Bring it on.

Charleen xo

Grateful for Girlfriends

I've had a busy afternoon getting my hair coloured and doing groceries, and get home around 4:30 p.m.  On the way home I had also stopped in at Leigh's new place on Lonsdale to pick up a bag of organic apples that I order from her distributor every two weeks.  Leigh is my best friend, I've known her since we were both in junior high.  There's not a lot that I can hide from her, she instinctively knows if anything's going on with me.  She gave me a quick update on her current social and emotional state, and then I gave her mine.  It's funny, but it felt like just being in the room together for a few short minutes made us feel both better.  The healing energy of friendship works almost instantly.  We kissed one another on both cheeks and then I was off across the north shore and back over the Second Narrows Bridge in the late Saturday afternoon traffic.  Traffic is always insane on Saturdays, and after a busy day I always feel so relieved to get back to the comfort and warmth of my own home.

One of the more recent pictures of Leigh and I, taken on BC Ferries a couple of months ago

I was starving when I got in so quickly whipped up some tuna with eggless mayo and dill pickles, and pulled out a box of rice crackers.  After devouring it while simultaneously checking my email, I laid down on my comfy memory foam bed, in the clean sheets that I'd just washed this morning, and had a delicious siesta full of good feeling, colourful, playful dreams . Total relaxation at last!  I absolutely adore afternoon siestas.

An hour later, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I stretched luxuriously in my warm covers, and then jumped out of bed ready to tackle the rest of the days' challenges: I had plans to bake a cherry pie!  Yup, my first cherry pie ever!  Last summer I spent a lot of time in the Okanagan and got carried away by all the "Cherries for Sale" signs along the road.  I remember purchasing my very own cherry pitter and telling myself that the loads of cherries I was purchasing were going to taste sooooo goooood in the middle of winter. So now the big day had finally come!  The timing was right.  I was ready!

Donna V and me out in Toronto, June 2011

Right before I started in on the task, I got onto my computer and skyped Donna V in Toronto.  Being 3 hours ahead, she was already in full Saturday night relaxation mode!  We chatted briefly about what we'd been up to since our weekend began - she had spent Friday eve decorating her apartment and sipping red wine, while I had met Deb, an old co-worker friend of mine, for drinks and appies at the lounge at the Hotel Georgia, something that we've both enjoyed doing together for the last couple months or so.  Then Donna and I quickly briefed one another on what our prospective Sundays would look like - she has plans to watch a DVD or two, and then maybe do a bit of studying, and I have plans to do nothing but go at my own pace, and I plan on enjoying my quiet time thoroughly.  Heck, maybe I'll get to an Ashtanga yoga class, who knows?  We threw a few inside jokes into the conversation, a giggle or three, and then we hung up.  Donna is the girlfriend who I BBM every morning during the weekdays, and usually we BBM into the afternoon too.  We keep in constant communication with one another and are one another's moral support during our stressful work week.

Picture of Deb and I taken recently at Coast - another fairy to get into trouble with!  Love it!

The pastry was already rolled, so it was just a matter of measuring out the right ingredients, adding my thawed bag of Okanagan cherries, and then watching it thicken on the stove.  I tasted it the entire way through, concered about my cherry pie baking abilities.  Mmmm, the yummy, thick red, syrupy concoction was divine, and I smiled to myself as I poured it into the home-made crust, topped it with another crust, pinched the sides together and poked some slits in the top, and finally popped it into the oven. 

Of course my faaavourite TV show, Sex and The City, is playing its regular Saturday night, 3-hour marathon which started at 7:00 p.m., so this eve I've been flowing between the kitchen and the living room for the past three hours, it now being 10:00 p.m.  I even poured myself a glass of sherry, and have had the time to leisurely pan fry some chicken, and then threw it into the oven with a bunch of chopped root vegetables all mixed with rosemary, garlic, lemon juice and olive oil.  And mmm: salt.

I love salt, especially when it's mixed with fresh lemon juice.  I admit it.  :)

Pennie and me out on an impromptu date last weekend at Coast.  Ain't she gawgeous?

But the multi-tasking doesn't stop there, oh no.  While everything else is going on, Pennie and I have been texting one another all evening long as she's also enjoying the Sex and The City Saturday night marathon.  Pennie and I went out for an impromptu evening together last Saturday night and had a really great time.  It was one of those occasions that was completely unplanned until about 4:30 last Saturday afternoon, so there weren't the same expectations or visions that one anticipates when there's a planned event coming up.  We had delighted in getting dressed up and doing our makeup a little heavier, and both of us love the vibe and the people watching components of a Saturday night downtown.  Throughout the night we laughed out loud and didn't care who heard us, caused a stir by flirting with every hunky man that walked by our seats (there were lots of them!), chatted about everything under the sun, ate some delicious food and drank probably a little too much.  We had started at Coast and then went on to Black & Blue, and then finally hailed a cab and went down to Granville Street where we payed a horrendous $18 just to get into Barcelona Ultra Lounge to go dancing.  We didn't care - it was worth it!  Pennie is a friend who I've known about 10 years now, and part of the original gaggle of geese I used to party with back in the day.  She is now a mother and a wife, and a very responsible school teacher who lives in Richmond.  Ahem!  I am so glad we were both available for a last minute "Girls Night Out".  So tonight we have been giggling via text with one another, making comments about the show, and I can almost hear her joyful voice as if she was sitting beside me all over again.

A recent pic of Maggie (right) and me, and her friend Lynda when we were all out

at DIGWEED, December 30, 2011.  Great show!

Of course Saturday night just isn't complete without reaching out to my good buddy, Maggie.  It was absolutely mandatory to find the time to catch up this eve!  Maggie is now living in New West in her new apartment overlooking the river, while here I sit at home in South Granville.  We know one another well enough that I can totally picture her poking around her new home and lounging with her cat, Manolo, who to me seems more like a brother than a cat! Truly. She has her family there with her. We are both feeling the safety and warmth of our own homes tonight, us single gals.  Maggie spent the day up at Whistler where she said the winds were strong and the temperature was cold, but the snow was amazing!  She had a super day, and even connected for a couple runs with Yota.  Yota I rarely get to see anymore, but when Maggie tells me about their day together I feel like I was there alongside of them.  I feel my heart strings reaching out to Yota and a grin breaks out across my face.  It's funny but true: it's not easy to always meet with someone in person, but at least friends keep us connected to our other friends.  Maggie is one of the only remaining friends I have (besides Donna and Deb) who is boyfriendless/husbandless and/or childless.  But now that she lives in New West, and especially since we're both so busy both with our jobs and extra-curricular activities, we usually have to "plan"to see one another.  Maggie is always so cheerful and ready to go especially when it comes to dancing (we both love trance).  So tonight we briefly catch up and she makes me laugh while we discuss possible summer plans together. 

Now it's 10:15 pm and my baked chicken dinner is almost ready.  After that I'll slice myself a piece of my cherry pie which I plan on slathering with whipping cream.  And why not? 

If I feel up to it I'll watch a movie.  The candles in my living room have burned down quite a ways now, and I'm going to replenish the tea lights that I lit a few hours ago.  Maybe I'll do my nails at the same time, maybe I'll just simply laze with my big red, fuzzy blanket on my big, while fluffy couch.  I don't know yet. But whatever it is it's going to feel good, just like the entire day has.  This is the interlocking of my Aquarius Sun and my Taurus Rising.  This is a little slice of heaven.

My thoughts can't help but drift all the way south to Las Vegas, NV, where my very good friend, Hilary, is currently celebrating her 40th birthday.  I wish I could be with her.  I hope you're have a completely debauched time, Hil!

The most recent picture I have of Hilary (left) taken with Leigh and I in North Van this past month.  The three of us used to be inseparable before husbands and kids, etc etc.

This evening it occurs to me that my girlfriends and I have kindof come full circle.  There was a time not too long ago where I couldn't handle too much girlfriend time and wanted only to be left alone.  Now once again I feel like I have friends all around me.  It's different than before, it's a deeper, richer friendship that I'm experiencing with them.  Honestly there are still some days where I can feel blue - of course there are times where I sometimes still wished I had children, or someone to come home to.  But tonight I have to say that I feel lucky for treating myself so well and for giving myself space and time to spoil myself, but also because it is obvious that I'm not at all alone.  I've got a nice group of friends who I love and who love me. 

It's true that people come and go in our lives.  Some people leave and then come back later, others were never meant to stay long but new people come in and take their place.  We are all following our own paths, and none of us have been immune from learning some hard lessons.  But then once in a while, especially if we still have more to learn from one another, we merge back onto the same road.  On a rainy evening in January when it would seem I am alone, the reality is that I am completely surrounded by loving people.  Tonight my home is warm not just because I've cranked that thermostat, but because of all the love that my friends have given me.

Way back in the day women were respected for their ability to create magic and speak with their thoughts.  Tonight I was reminded about the magic of love.  I heard your thoughts, I felt them.  And lots of good vibes and love coming right back atchooz, chicas!

 

yum

Love, Charleen xo

Moving On

I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the comfort of your embrace.

I shall miss the loneliness of waiting for your calls that never came.

I shall miss the joy of our comings, and pain of your goings.

And, after a time, I shall miss

missing loving you.