looong, lazy August Long Weekend
August 1. I have decided to take the day to go over to Vancouver Island to visit my "little" brother Brad and wife, Sharon, my nephew Thompson, and my new niece, Shyda Elizabeth, born July 21. I’m really excited to be going to meet her!
It’s the August long weekend here in BC - BC Day. An extra day off to relax, catch up, or do whatever pleases. For me it means that I have some space in my life to write again. I haven’t written in my blog since early July, but a lot has been going on. I’ve been keeping busy with Ultimate games, hiking Grouse Mountain, going to the beach, and working a new temporary contract which has taken me back downtown to the busy centre of Vancouver. The other night I got home and I let myself go to bed at 7:00 p.m., and I didn’t wake up until 6:00 a.m. I needed that. Our constant good weather and sunshine has given me energy, but even that won’t nourish a person when sleep is needed. And I need lots of both sunshine and sleep!
Aside from all of that, two wonderful men have been occupying my time and head space. I am still amazed that I am able to feel anything for anyone, and if I’m even more honest I can say that I am a bit nervous about trusting this thing called "love”. I continue to take things one day at a time. Not yet able to quite commit myself to anything or anyone else, I gauge myself every day in terms of how much of my heart and soul I want to share. Some days I feel open and alive, other days I feel uneasy about myself, life, and the people who are in my life. I don’t know if I can say that there is anyone on this planet that I can truly trust, not even my twin-sister, not even my best friend. I am still very guarded. The healing process is like a death, and it means you have to recreate yourself entirely. It takes a long time.
As much as having two wonderful guys around in my life tickles me, I can’t bring myself to trust either one of them. So what is this darn thing called “trust”? Whatever it is, it seems to be a running theme for me this past month. Every time I turn around I find myself considering this word. Can anyone ever truly trust someone 100%? Is it really wise to even try to trust someone 100%? Can you ever put all of yourself into one person, and let your guard down entirely? I used to think you could, but now I’m not so sure. I’m leaning towards “no”. Still, this past month it's like the Gods and Goddesses have been screaming at me "Time To Get Over This One, Char!!" In analyzing what it means for me to trust someone, I see that I am growing up too.
I arrive two minutes too late to catch the 9:00 ferry over to Victoria, so I buy my ticket for the 10:00 sailing and hop over to the market place to buy myself a cup of organic coffee and a muffin, something to stop my stomach from growling. As I walk through the terminal and across the parking lot, a familiar blanket starts to fall over me – the feeling that happens to me every time it’s time for me to write. Although that urge to write might have happened several times in the last month, I’ve not been able to give it a second thought. Rush rush rush, cope cope cope, manage manage manage. Learning to be me again is like going back to school full time. I’m constantly on the lookout for a new lesson. Today as I sit in the market place at the ferry terminal and look out over Tsawassen Bay, I realize that keeping my life really busy has been a blessing. It has not, however, washed away all of my pain and worries. This realization comes to me as soon as I have quieted my mind long enough to channel the words my guides want me to write here. As soon as I have sat still and am away from the unrelenting pace of my life, it all comes flooding back: the memories, the words, the loss, the sadness, and the bitter-sweet realization of my newfound enjoyment of life. My eyes mist up – “Gee, they haven’t done that in weeks”, I think to myself. Going further into the realization, I also see that being busy has given me at least some stability in my life, and I am in more control of my emotions because of it. I haven’t become insensitive, and in fact I still feel a lot. But the reprieve has given me strength again. I see things more clearly. These days I feel like I’m making decisions based solely on me, not on someone else, not on peer pressure, not on what my ex would have told me to do, not what my family thinks I should be doing, none of it. I have learned to wait until the inspiration is perfect and my guides give me the green light. If I don’t have either of those things I just don’t do it.
Weekdays are hard. Still all too often wondering about my future, I have not yet been able to secure a permanent position that I am really thrilled about. Nothing looks the way I thought it would look, and I am continually challenged to let go of my ideals. The ideals of who I thought I “should” be, what I thought I “should” do. Sometimes I think my life has been about mimicry. I have been a chameleon. You might say that this shape-shifting is a good skill to have – the ability to mold into any space, take on any form. But as a sensitive person it is inevitable that one picks up on things that aren’t truly herself. I think to myself that this was what my entire marriage was based upon. So how does one stay in a relationship with someone and still be authentically themselves? If “differentiation” is a good thing, why then does it wreak havoc upon people’s relationships? Are we all shape-shifting to make ourselves appealing to someone else? These questions, and being as sensitive as I am, are making it almost impossible to trust new love in my life. Trust is one lesson that I am currently looking at very seriously right now. And I’ve got a lot of questions about it, you bet I do. If I am to trust someone fully again, I am going to have to truly learn what it means to surrender.
But I am not able to do that. Not yet.
Yesterday Dina, Danielle, Malcolm and I drove out to a quiet bay called Brunswick Beach just past Lions Bay on the Sea-To-Sky Highway. It is a secluded naturalist beach where the water is crystal clear and the beach is calm and quiet. Not wild and zany like Wreck Beach, where you have to try to find a spot that is only half as insane as the rest of the beach! Each of us brought whatever comforts we needed for the day (food, water, beer, body pillow, beach blankets, sunscreen, music) and found a super sweet secluded spot big enough for the four of us. Together we lied nude in the sunshine, fully soaking up the warmth that this West Coast summer has blessed us with. Sitting in the sunshine with three Fire signs is quite the treat for me. As I sat back and listened to them talk, I smiled both inwardly and outwardly. These are the types of healing spirits that I’ve needed in my life.
In many ways I feel like everything I’ve wanted in my life is slowly slipping away. Some days it feels like my vision of living in Spain and speaking the language fluently is going to be impossible. But the truth is that life just looks so much differently than what I thought it would look like, that sometimes it just “seems” like my dreams won’t ever come true. But as long as one holds onto the dream then all is not lost! There is always a chance to have your dream realized. But to let go of your ideals, let go of your ego, let go of the person you thought you were… that’s what makes life feel difficult. It is a real struggle to give up and surrender, and TRUST what life has in store for you. As long as you fight the forces that are working against you, it will seem like there is no hope for anything. I’ve learned over and over again how to go with the flow. If this dream can’t happen right now, then so be it. For me it feels better to simply let a few things go for now while I iron out some of the kinks in the linens. I know that I can only do so much, and the rest is up to God, up to the Universe. I used to think that we could direct our destiny, but these days I am not so sure anymore. More and more I think that our destiny was defined for us the moment we took our first breath in this life. All we have to do is watch it play out like a good movie, and not fight it.
So here it is: my movie. And one day it’ll make a good book.
Finally on board the ferry and riding the waves of the Pacific Ocean as we maneuver through the straight past Gabriola Island. I silently observe how many Spanish speaking tourists there are on board today, and how I still enjoy listening to them speak their language. One family is definitely from Mexico, while two other women speak in an Argentinian accent. As I sit here channeling words onto the blank screen of my computer, I can hear that the two dark haired gentlemen at the table beside mine are definitely from Spain, the sweet “thh” of their “s” so familiar. How I wish I could go over and strike up a conversation with them! How I wish my ability to speak Spanish wasn’t dwindling every day. Still, I understand exactly what they are saying - I giggle to myself as they speak about their confusion over our culture, and the westcoast scenery they find so foreign as they stare out the ferry windows. I keep my eyes on them and smile knowingly. They notice me watching them and they start to feel uneasy, perhaps even more confused – Canadian women don’t make eye contact with men, do they?? My smile broadens and I keep my eyes firmly planted on them. Passion rises in my heart, and I feel a warm glow in my solar plexus area. I am again reminded how much I love the Spanish culture. Suddenly the sound of the ferry’s horn jolts me from my dreamy state. I forget the two tantalizing Spanish men to my right and turn my gaze back to the ocean, and then to the beautiful trees and rocky cliffs that surround the island. I remind myself of how fortunate I am to be living here on Canada’s west coast, an area which I believe to be some of the most beautiful parts of this huge planet we live on. The vision of the water, so healing and strong, mixed with the green of the trees and mountains, and then contrasted with the blue BC summer skies, are all physically powerful reasons to live here. To remind myself again of how fortunate I am, my mind drifts back to only two days ago when I woke up early to meet one of my best girlfriends, Hileray, for a hike/workout on the BCMC trail at Grouse Mountain. After a great sweat I drove down back into the city and out to the far edges of UBC to Wreck Beach, where I lied in the sand on a “relatively” chilled out Friday. I even allowed myself to drift down into a sleepy, summer siesta - something which is normally quite hard for me to do at Wreck. That very evening on my way back from the beach, I met Danielle in Chinatown and together we went into Yaletown, into the heart of the city on a Friday night, to have dinner and drinks and people-watch, and feel alive and attractive and a part of the scene. It was a full, wonderful, Vancouver summer day.
Thompson, Shyda, and Auntie Char
I am a lucky woman. I am also starting to realize that I am free as a bird. I know that there will always be something that I will strive for, something that will feel just out of my reach, or something that I have to work a little harder to achieve. There will always be something that frustrates me, no doubt. But this is a part of human nature – the process of evolvement and constant expansion and spiritual growth. I am making my own decisions and moving at my own pace. I come and go as I please. I am fully a single woman who is learning to enjoy, and who is also currently enjoying her new self.
And trust? Well, trust will be forthcoming. When I’ve decided I can trust, I'll let you know.
Charleen xo
