After countless hours and days of talking, arguing, crying, and bashing it out with my ex husband, today I handed over the first round of paper work required for the divorce proceedings to begin. For the past year, I have tried to find some home for my broken heart to rest, I have looked for some solace amidst the destruction of my marriage, and for peace to fill the void in my life. That hasn't happened. Because really at the end of the day, I do have a broken heart that remains un-mended, and I do feel a huge void in my life. There is a space where my ex was supposed to be sitting, where I had placed him firmly into my life and my future, and he is no longer there.
The couple of people I have talked to about this seem to think this is a good thing. God, it's like people are completely oblivious to pain or something. One particular conversation with a friend stands out for me, wherein she admitted that she just "assumed" I was "over it", because it has been a year. That just shows that very few are really able to comprehend the depth of sadness and pain that I've been living through. Sometimes I really do feel that there are, maybe, only one or two people on the entire planet who really can honestly say that they understand. No one wants to know about it. Everyone has their own lives.
I do admit that I have had several moments of clarity and light regarding this hopeless mess. I have seen a path lit quite clearly and that reminds me that this has all been for a reason, for my enlightenment, and for a chance at something better. I have glimpsed down that path and I confess that it is a wonderful place. But the darkness still follows me around. Fighting, I feel that I am always fighting it off. I used to always have recurring types of dreams that I was fighting off bandits, running away, hiding, throwing knives and shooting rifles, kickboxing them to the ground, only to keep on running down endless hallways again, still being chased, the villains trying to destroy me nonstop. Well since last year I haven't had those dreams. That is because I have been fully living them. And I am so fucking sick of fighting them off.
So I tossed him his paperwork and said "There, now you get your divorce". We drank our coffee in silence until he reached out for my hand, which I didn't take. I wanted to show I was strong, I wanted to show I had my pride. "Why should he have the pleasure of holding my hand?" I thought. He gave up that right a long time ago when he announced suddenly one day that he was "done" with me. Hot angry tears welled up in my eyes and I fought to hold them back, trying not to feel a thing. I glanced over at him and saw the pain on his face. How can a real woman not be affected by such pain? So I touched his hand, and then he took mine and held it firmly, as the tears I'd been bravely fighting back finally slid down my cheeks. We sat there in silence for awhile before I could start talking. Talking for what feels like the millionth time about how I just can't understand why he let his feelings go so far down the tube without talking to me about it. Talking about how things got so messed up without even an insightful word to me, or an attempt to mend things. Talking about all the things he should have said to me when he felt them and that I'm only just hearing about now. Talking talking talking talking and getting no where. I'm sorry to say that I still don't get it.
And I guess I never will. Because I've talked until I'm blue in the face. I've cried until I no longer resemble the woman I once was, my face all wrinkled up and blotchy from weeping. I've searched and asked questions of myself and found answers that I never knew existed. I have tried, God knows I have tried. Forgiveness only comes in stages - it is an ongoing process of deep reflection and humble self-awareness that brings waves of realization and emotion, followed by acceptance.
Is there ever truly a happy ending to the conclusion of a marriage? Some say they were able to have "amicable" endings to their own marriages, but does that mean it was happy? I guess maybe it's inevitable to be sad. Maybe I had to go through this?
In conversation with my mom the other night, she told me that she found it "very sad" that him and I couldn't work it out. Gee mom, do you really think so? Like, what the heck have I been feeling for over a year now if it wasn't sad?? There was disapproval in her voice, and I got the distinct feeling that she felt I hadn't tried hard enough to save it. A year and a bit afterwards, I can say without a doubt that I tried. I did my best and I fought bravely for this Cause. And I know that I have done all that I could.
Do I understand him any more now, a year after? Do I accept all of this any more easily than I did a year ago? Actually, yes I do. I do understand him more. I still think he is beautiful, and I still have such great compassion for him that it can bring tears to my eyes the moment I think about him. But at the same time I think he's an ass for not talking about what was going on for him, using the excuse that it's "hard" to communicate his feelings. I know he's not the only guy on the planet using that excuse. But what if we all fell back on that one? Would any relationship stand a chance? I think I deserve better than that, and that's what makes it easier to accept.
I am sooooo looking forward to reaching that light at the end of the dark tunnel. I can feel that it is warm, it is loving, and it is full of opportunities. Somewhere deep inside of me I know that Truth. Until then I am going to continue to walk down this hazey path, not knowing where my feet will land. Because frankly if I can live through this past year, then I can live through anything.
Charleen xo
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Red Red and More Red
Yesterday was the last day of the 2010 Winter Olympics. This morning it's back to the norm: relatively quiet streets, more room to sit when riding the Canada Line, and a lot fewer people walking the streets of Vancouver. I personally think Vancouverites have taken the day off to stay at home today - they're all either hung over or just too tired to work. Some of us (like me) have lost our voices from screaming so much or have come down with a cold (like me) from too many late nights (and working three jobs doesn't help, I suppose). I think we're all heaving a sigh of relief and hopefully we'll be able to sleep this party off for the next month or so. I personally have loved the crowds, the energy, the excitement, and the newfound sense of happiness and comraderie that the Olympics have brought to us Vancouverites, if not all Canadians everywhere. Strangely, there is something about pride that also makes people friendly, makes them more gracious. I admit that when I first learned that we were going to host the 2010 Olympics, I was one of the protestors who grumbled and complained. But I've turned the other cheek, so to speak, and because of it I have enjoyed a super fantastic, vacation-like time right here in my own home town. How much better can it get? Except for now I want to run and hug and hold on to all the foreigners, and beg them not to leave!
And what an incredible, surreal two weeks it's been! After yesterday's win over the U.S. in hockey, this town mustered up whatever energy it had left and then some, and filled the streets to overflowing. It was a scene that I will not soon forget!
Before I go on though, I just need to tip my hat to the Americans who played an awesome game - they had all of us Canadians knawing our nails for a good while. I think a sudden death overtime is one of the most brilliant ways to go down if you're going to go down. So hats off to the Americans, and thank you very much! The entire city (well heck, the entire country really) lit up right afterwards, and I could hear people hooping and hollering all the way down my street in the residential area of Arbutus that we live in. Mark and I jumped up and down and hugged one another, and I received text messages from friends in Holland and emails from friends in the States congratulating me on the win, as if I had actually been playing the game myself. But really, it was a gold-medal win that all Canadians feel was their own. I still can't get over how close that game was, and how exciting it was when we won! Here I thought I couldn't care less about hockey any more, but I know that people all over the country were celebrating, crying even, over the win and I was right in there with them. I think hearing from friends in Europe made me realize just how important the game was, and it really hit home for me that you don't have to be Canadian to love hockey!
So then everyone from all over the lower mainland converged in the downtown core yesterday to party and celebrate our win over the U.S. It was so cool - the Cambie Street Bridge was closed off to all vehicles and opened up for pedestrians, and tour buses that had brought groups of people in for the Closing Ceremonies were lined up in a row straight down the middle of it. It was the closest they could get to BC Place without having to actually drive downtown.
I drove my car as far as I could to 16th and Cambie, then walked down Cambie to Broadway where I met Maggie, Shelley, Cara and Claudia, and together we walked over the bridge, partying and high-fiving people the whole way across. I've never seen so many people in Vancouver, and the entire day seemed even larger-than-life because of all the RED! If the Olympics have done nothing else, they've driven home a sense of patriotism for Canadians (and for the tourists, too!) and everyone's been wearing as much red and white as they possibly could these past couple of weeks. Yesterday the city was absolutely peppered with red hockey jerseys, red painted faces, red tights and jackets, red mittens, and huge red and white maple leafed Canadian flags. Once across the bridge, the girls and I cut through Yaletown:
Then we walked up Nelson and to Richards, then took Smithe to Granville:
And finally we checked out the scene right at the heart of it: Granville and Robson.
Makeshift bands played in the street, while people danced and blew horns and whistles, and even started an impromptu roller hockey game at the intersection of Smithe and Howe! As is typical of any street hockey game in Canada, it entirely blocked the few cars that were trying to get through. And yesterday the authorities didn't even tried to stop them from playing. Instead, everyone including the cops gladly assumed the "spectator" role as if it were a true Olympic hockey game, and created a large "rink" around the intersection. And here's something: one of the coolest things about yesterday was how civil and friendly everyone was. There was no fighting in the street, no smashing windows or getting aggressive. It was all just a totally rowdy, marijuana-smoking, beer-guzzling good time (us girls actually shared coffee mugs full of wine). A few courageous Americans wore their flags on their backs, but I'm sure they were totally made to feel right at home with all the Canadians hugging them and congratulating them on their fine loss. It was really one of the coolest days ever!
The girls and I wanted to find somewhere to sit down and have a beer and watch the Closing Ceremonies. Of all places, we settled in with a crowd of other red and white patriots at Medley's Pub, ordered a couple pitchers of draft and ate pub grub while watching the Closing Ceremonies (okay, we were a little crazier than that, but you get the picture). I loved those Closing Ceremonies! Back when the Olympics started on February 12, I was working my first shift at the restaurant and didn't get to see the Opening Ceremonies. Now now I've decided I'm going to buy the friggin' BOX SET from CTV, and this way I'll be able to re-live the opening and closing ceremonies, plus all the Olympic highlights that I've had to miss because of work. I'm so sentimental, eh?
Here's the kicker: the Paralympics start March 5. Oh brother. Here we go again! Okay, so we have only a few days to rest up...oh well. I've said that I can't possibly do any more partying, especially since the entire month of February we've been spoiled by amazing shows and world class DJ's. I went to my last show on Saturday night, and it was perhaps the one show that I was the most excited about: Markus Schulz! Voted as the No. 8 DJ in the world (No. 1 in the U.S.), he is my new No. 1! That's right, you heard me and you can mark it on a calendar. Armin is sooo vanilla in comparison.
Sonny and I hooked up late Saturday night, as my cold was threatening to keep me from going out at all. But I popped a couple Tylenols and forged right through it, and then met him down at the new "It" lounge in town, Society. That place, by the way, is totally nothing to call home to mom about (who rates the lounges and clubs in this city? They should give the job to me. Gawd.). We then hailed a cab to The Red Room, a small below-ground venue in Gastown where Markus Schulz was playing a 3 hour set to a sold out crowd. We were fortunate enough to get guest list and backstage passes, and I got to watch Markus shake his cute butt up close and personal all night long! What a difference that can make to a girl's night! mmm mmm mmm!
I even recognized some of the songs Markus played from The Best of Both Worlds concert I had attended in Amsterdam back in December. He played that one song that crecendos like crazy and makes everyone lose their minds! I loved it!
He is a super upbeat, edgy, and energetic DJ who gets the crowd going with his unique sound and flawless mixing. I swear that I tried not to scream, as I knew I would run the risk of losing my voice. But hey. I've gone and lost my voice again anyways like I normally do so whatever. Sonny and I had a blast, and Markus played until well after 3:30 a.m.
And what an incredible, surreal two weeks it's been! After yesterday's win over the U.S. in hockey, this town mustered up whatever energy it had left and then some, and filled the streets to overflowing. It was a scene that I will not soon forget!
Before I go on though, I just need to tip my hat to the Americans who played an awesome game - they had all of us Canadians knawing our nails for a good while. I think a sudden death overtime is one of the most brilliant ways to go down if you're going to go down. So hats off to the Americans, and thank you very much! The entire city (well heck, the entire country really) lit up right afterwards, and I could hear people hooping and hollering all the way down my street in the residential area of Arbutus that we live in. Mark and I jumped up and down and hugged one another, and I received text messages from friends in Holland and emails from friends in the States congratulating me on the win, as if I had actually been playing the game myself. But really, it was a gold-medal win that all Canadians feel was their own. I still can't get over how close that game was, and how exciting it was when we won! Here I thought I couldn't care less about hockey any more, but I know that people all over the country were celebrating, crying even, over the win and I was right in there with them. I think hearing from friends in Europe made me realize just how important the game was, and it really hit home for me that you don't have to be Canadian to love hockey!
So then everyone from all over the lower mainland converged in the downtown core yesterday to party and celebrate our win over the U.S. It was so cool - the Cambie Street Bridge was closed off to all vehicles and opened up for pedestrians, and tour buses that had brought groups of people in for the Closing Ceremonies were lined up in a row straight down the middle of it. It was the closest they could get to BC Place without having to actually drive downtown.
Walking across the Cambie Street Bridge
I drove my car as far as I could to 16th and Cambie, then walked down Cambie to Broadway where I met Maggie, Shelley, Cara and Claudia, and together we walked over the bridge, partying and high-fiving people the whole way across. I've never seen so many people in Vancouver, and the entire day seemed even larger-than-life because of all the RED! If the Olympics have done nothing else, they've driven home a sense of patriotism for Canadians (and for the tourists, too!) and everyone's been wearing as much red and white as they possibly could these past couple of weeks. Yesterday the city was absolutely peppered with red hockey jerseys, red painted faces, red tights and jackets, red mittens, and huge red and white maple leafed Canadian flags. Once across the bridge, the girls and I cut through Yaletown:
Then we walked up Nelson and to Richards, then took Smithe to Granville:
Love the official Olympic Mittens!
And finally we checked out the scene right at the heart of it: Granville and Robson.
Corner of Robson Street & Granville Street
Makeshift bands played in the street, while people danced and blew horns and whistles, and even started an impromptu roller hockey game at the intersection of Smithe and Howe! As is typical of any street hockey game in Canada, it entirely blocked the few cars that were trying to get through. And yesterday the authorities didn't even tried to stop them from playing. Instead, everyone including the cops gladly assumed the "spectator" role as if it were a true Olympic hockey game, and created a large "rink" around the intersection. And here's something: one of the coolest things about yesterday was how civil and friendly everyone was. There was no fighting in the street, no smashing windows or getting aggressive. It was all just a totally rowdy, marijuana-smoking, beer-guzzling good time (us girls actually shared coffee mugs full of wine). A few courageous Americans wore their flags on their backs, but I'm sure they were totally made to feel right at home with all the Canadians hugging them and congratulating them on their fine loss. It was really one of the coolest days ever!
I don't think there will ever be another chance to lie across a police car...
Go Red! No wait... Go White!
Howe Street facing the north shore mountains
The girls and I wanted to find somewhere to sit down and have a beer and watch the Closing Ceremonies. Of all places, we settled in with a crowd of other red and white patriots at Medley's Pub, ordered a couple pitchers of draft and ate pub grub while watching the Closing Ceremonies (okay, we were a little crazier than that, but you get the picture). I loved those Closing Ceremonies! Back when the Olympics started on February 12, I was working my first shift at the restaurant and didn't get to see the Opening Ceremonies. Now now I've decided I'm going to buy the friggin' BOX SET from CTV, and this way I'll be able to re-live the opening and closing ceremonies, plus all the Olympic highlights that I've had to miss because of work. I'm so sentimental, eh?
from left: Claudia, Shelley, Maggie, Cara, and me.
This picture pretty much sums it up...we woke him up after we took his picture.. heh heh heh
Maggie is one of the funniest friends I have. She always makes me laugh!
Here's the kicker: the Paralympics start March 5. Oh brother. Here we go again! Okay, so we have only a few days to rest up...oh well. I've said that I can't possibly do any more partying, especially since the entire month of February we've been spoiled by amazing shows and world class DJ's. I went to my last show on Saturday night, and it was perhaps the one show that I was the most excited about: Markus Schulz! Voted as the No. 8 DJ in the world (No. 1 in the U.S.), he is my new No. 1! That's right, you heard me and you can mark it on a calendar. Armin is sooo vanilla in comparison.
Sonny and I hooked up late Saturday night, as my cold was threatening to keep me from going out at all. But I popped a couple Tylenols and forged right through it, and then met him down at the new "It" lounge in town, Society. That place, by the way, is totally nothing to call home to mom about (who rates the lounges and clubs in this city? They should give the job to me. Gawd.). We then hailed a cab to The Red Room, a small below-ground venue in Gastown where Markus Schulz was playing a 3 hour set to a sold out crowd. We were fortunate enough to get guest list and backstage passes, and I got to watch Markus shake his cute butt up close and personal all night long! What a difference that can make to a girl's night! mmm mmm mmm!
MmmmmMarcus!
I even recognized some of the songs Markus played from The Best of Both Worlds concert I had attended in Amsterdam back in December. He played that one song that crecendos like crazy and makes everyone lose their minds! I loved it!
He is a super upbeat, edgy, and energetic DJ who gets the crowd going with his unique sound and flawless mixing. I swear that I tried not to scream, as I knew I would run the risk of losing my voice. But hey. I've gone and lost my voice again anyways like I normally do so whatever. Sonny and I had a blast, and Markus played until well after 3:30 a.m.
OF COURSE I got my picture taken with him! Are you freakin' kidding?? drooooolll....
He also signed my t-shirt, which I may never wash again
I think I'm going to enjoy drying out this coming month, and hopefully I will find something that looks like a routine in my day to day life again. I really haven't had much time to write lately, and my most recent blog posts have been more about "activities" than they have been about anything deep and personal. Those of you who know me well will know that the deep and personal side of me continues to exist no matter what I'm doing, where I'm at, or who I'm with. I'm always processing. But I've never been the type of person who is all one way; I enjoy the experience of living way too much to have only one "brand" of experience. Life is much more fun when you can wear different hats, sometimes all at the same time. Don't you agree? I have to say that the 2010 Olympics have been an experience for me that I hadn't looked forward to, but ended up super enjoying. Now that they're over I think I'm going to miss them. There will never be another time like it.
February 28, 2010 - Vancouver, BC, Canada
Charleen xo
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