I'd like to start this post by personally thanking and recognizing Armin van Buuren for bringing 30,000 people together in one time and space to share one cosmic vibe. It was spiritual, and it is evidence of a serious dialing-in in consciousness. Thank you, Armin van Buuren. http://www.astateoftrance.com/
Last week I took a trip to The Netherlands to attend Armin van Buuren's "A State of Trance 550" in Den Bosch. As this was such a huge event, I had planned the trip some time ago with my friend Edwin, who I met in Ibiza at the "Be At Space Closing Party" last September. It was meant to be a very fast-paced yet well organized trip. I left on a Thursday eve and came back on a Tuesday eve. To say I'm still recovering would be an understatement. Yet it's not just plain old jetlag that is zapping my energy. It feels like something's happened; something deep and new and almost at a cellular level. I know it sounds strange but I can't think of any other way to describe it.
What is it exactly that's caused this deep change within me? Was it just because I so desperately needed to get out of the negative work environment I've been in ever since taking this new job last September? Was it just the feeling of relief to get out of the country and away from everyone that has been affecting me? It's true that I've not been myself for the last several months, yet I can't say that this is the full reason for what feels like a huge shift inside of me.
Was it the music and the lights that carried me away to another galaxy, another realm? It is true that spending 8 or 9 hours in that type of an atmosphere, along with 30,000 other like-minded people, can make you feel like your mind is being blown apart, opened. But suggesting that the music is the entire reason for my change would be a total exaggeration.
Could it have been all the amazing, spiritual, open-minded, and loving people I met? To me, Edwin's friends seem like they come from the same star. How long have I been searching for them?? They all received me so well and told me that they understood me the instant we met. I felt flattered but more than that, I felt truly accepted, like I was finally at home with my people. That alone will shake the very ground you walk on when you return to your own country and into a life that no longer seems to represent you in any way, shape or form. These people made me question my friendships back home on planet Canada. What does it mean to be a friend? And what types of people should I be surrounding myself with?
Was it simply just remembering what it felt like to be free and on vacation? Roaming the streets of London in the warm spring sunshine, cruising down a highway in Holland while listening to loud trance music, or spending three full days hanging out in continuous Dutch conversation? This for sure is a big part of who I am; me being the fairy, butterfly, and freedom seeker. Heck, I even started to understand Dutch this time around! I have always been curious about people, cultures, and languages. But no. This is not quite the answer to my confusion either.
Was it the love and acceptance I felt while I was there? A girl loves to be adored, and looked upon as mysterious and sexy. With plenty of hunky men around to dance and sing with during the event, it's only natural for a gal to feel thrilled. Even though I feel this way every time I go back to Holland, can I really say it's about that?? Or was it just that they were simply mirrored back to themselves through my eyes?
Maybe it's maybe all of the above. But whatever the single answer is for my current state-of-mind, I know it is a loud, booming call for a change on almost all levels of my life. Everything has to change - my work, my friends, my actions, my thoughts, my directions, possibly my home... my entire life. And as I sit here this long Easter weekend knowing this truth from the deepest part of my Self, waves of tears and emotions run through me and keep me inside my little apartment and away from people for the most part. I have been letting myself cry and then letting myself sleep whenever I need to. I've also somehow, just by simply holding a space for patience and respect for whatever it is I'm going through, managed to do the spring cleaning of my little home here in South Granville. The patio is swept and debris free, the tarp is off the table and the bench cushions are airing out. Cobwebs have been swept from the corners of my 10 foot ceilings and all the windows, inside and out, have been cleaned. I've done three loads of laundry and some hand-washing, which is a lot for one single gal. Spring cleaning is a bit of a cliche, I know, but it does feel like there is something going on - a rebirth almost. I've gone out for a long bike ride and felt the warm burn in my quads as I climbed Birch Street towards 15th Avenue. I've allowed myself a couple of siestas and let myself get to bed early each night. Each morning when I wake up I feel quieted by the knowledge that something big is going to have to go down in order for me to get to who I'm really supposed to be. It has been a weekend full of humility and emotion; a weekend where I've felt everything from shame to grief, to anger and then acceptance, from fear to courage, to clarity. I've looked over the videos and photos I took on my journey overseas and I laughed outloud, giggled at parts, and at some places I felt butterflies in my stomach all over again. After I've finished uploading everything onto my Facebook page, the tears start falling again. I miss my friends. Why the hell do I have to live so far away?? Why do I have to live here at all? I know all these feelings are not just my imagination; I have changed, and to me it's so deep that it feels like all my cells have been shaken loose of old dust and build-up, and I am more clear now than ever before. Kindof like sweeping the cobwebs from the corners of my apartment. I just can't explain it anymore than this. It just is. I am different.
While I've been mostly expecting to have received a job offer from a company in Calgary with whom I flew out to interview with in March, I am starting to get the feeling that an offer won't be coming any time soon from them. The thing is that I've already prepared myself to leave and I don't think I can stop myself now. I guess maybe this was the push I needed to open my mind to receiving any other experience that comes in. I guess everything really is for a reason. I'm ready for a move. Let it be, let it happen.
My family most likely aren't able to understand the depths of my emotions at this time in my life, and I wonder if they ever really have. They sure don't understand me gallivanting across the Atlantic to attend a "trance" event - to them that seems impractical in a big way. To me that I have fewer and fewer friends with whom I can truly share my experiences with. Well, I guess I'm having myself a bit of a pity party and I've been feeling alone this weekend. If it weren't for the constant companionship of my good friend and confidant, Malcolm, then I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Although Malcolm and I have had our share of ups and downs, he is proving to be my most stead-fast friend. He is an Aries and so is very good at being in the moment, although he certainly can't plan for the future very well. I do just the opposite. So he is helping me to slow down my thoughts, to not jump too fast to conclusions, and to give myself more patience during this changing time. Soon my job will come to an end as the position is being moved to Toronto and restructured in a major way. Of course the news of this pisses me off, but my part in all of this is that I said yes in the first place and when I already had another job offer on the table from a reputable firm. So what have I learned? Can someone tell me please? I imagine I will figure it out sooner or later. I am annoyed, but relieved. And I am also now in a harder spot - I will be out of a job in a very short time. I know changing times are on my door step. I am scared, but I also feel it's high time.
You know, in many ways I feel like I'm re-visiting something here. Revisiting some old lessons or some old habits. I guess I thought I'd cleared it all away but it turns out that I have some hard studying to do yet. The lessons never end, it seems. I've been thrown off course in a big way and I feel like the only thing that I can do to help myself is to remain quiet, humble, and open to anything. I need to also question myself: was I ever on course to begin with?
In the weeks ahead I will remember the friends I've met in Holland and the music and the lights and the happiness that came with it, and I hope that all of that will give me strength. I will remember what they said when they first met me: "You are so BIG! Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not!" When I think of them, I see only bright light. I'm certain these Bright Beings were put here on this planet to give me courage. I'm thankful, because I'm going to need it.
Bring it on.
Charleen xo
Last week I took a trip to The Netherlands to attend Armin van Buuren's "A State of Trance 550" in Den Bosch. As this was such a huge event, I had planned the trip some time ago with my friend Edwin, who I met in Ibiza at the "Be At Space Closing Party" last September. It was meant to be a very fast-paced yet well organized trip. I left on a Thursday eve and came back on a Tuesday eve. To say I'm still recovering would be an understatement. Yet it's not just plain old jetlag that is zapping my energy. It feels like something's happened; something deep and new and almost at a cellular level. I know it sounds strange but I can't think of any other way to describe it.
What is it exactly that's caused this deep change within me? Was it just because I so desperately needed to get out of the negative work environment I've been in ever since taking this new job last September? Was it just the feeling of relief to get out of the country and away from everyone that has been affecting me? It's true that I've not been myself for the last several months, yet I can't say that this is the full reason for what feels like a huge shift inside of me.
Was it the music and the lights that carried me away to another galaxy, another realm? It is true that spending 8 or 9 hours in that type of an atmosphere, along with 30,000 other like-minded people, can make you feel like your mind is being blown apart, opened. But suggesting that the music is the entire reason for my change would be a total exaggeration.
Could it have been all the amazing, spiritual, open-minded, and loving people I met? To me, Edwin's friends seem like they come from the same star. How long have I been searching for them?? They all received me so well and told me that they understood me the instant we met. I felt flattered but more than that, I felt truly accepted, like I was finally at home with my people. That alone will shake the very ground you walk on when you return to your own country and into a life that no longer seems to represent you in any way, shape or form. These people made me question my friendships back home on planet Canada. What does it mean to be a friend? And what types of people should I be surrounding myself with?
Was it simply just remembering what it felt like to be free and on vacation? Roaming the streets of London in the warm spring sunshine, cruising down a highway in Holland while listening to loud trance music, or spending three full days hanging out in continuous Dutch conversation? This for sure is a big part of who I am; me being the fairy, butterfly, and freedom seeker. Heck, I even started to understand Dutch this time around! I have always been curious about people, cultures, and languages. But no. This is not quite the answer to my confusion either.
Was it the love and acceptance I felt while I was there? A girl loves to be adored, and looked upon as mysterious and sexy. With plenty of hunky men around to dance and sing with during the event, it's only natural for a gal to feel thrilled. Even though I feel this way every time I go back to Holland, can I really say it's about that?? Or was it just that they were simply mirrored back to themselves through my eyes?
Maybe it's maybe all of the above. But whatever the single answer is for my current state-of-mind, I know it is a loud, booming call for a change on almost all levels of my life. Everything has to change - my work, my friends, my actions, my thoughts, my directions, possibly my home... my entire life. And as I sit here this long Easter weekend knowing this truth from the deepest part of my Self, waves of tears and emotions run through me and keep me inside my little apartment and away from people for the most part. I have been letting myself cry and then letting myself sleep whenever I need to. I've also somehow, just by simply holding a space for patience and respect for whatever it is I'm going through, managed to do the spring cleaning of my little home here in South Granville. The patio is swept and debris free, the tarp is off the table and the bench cushions are airing out. Cobwebs have been swept from the corners of my 10 foot ceilings and all the windows, inside and out, have been cleaned. I've done three loads of laundry and some hand-washing, which is a lot for one single gal. Spring cleaning is a bit of a cliche, I know, but it does feel like there is something going on - a rebirth almost. I've gone out for a long bike ride and felt the warm burn in my quads as I climbed Birch Street towards 15th Avenue. I've allowed myself a couple of siestas and let myself get to bed early each night. Each morning when I wake up I feel quieted by the knowledge that something big is going to have to go down in order for me to get to who I'm really supposed to be. It has been a weekend full of humility and emotion; a weekend where I've felt everything from shame to grief, to anger and then acceptance, from fear to courage, to clarity. I've looked over the videos and photos I took on my journey overseas and I laughed outloud, giggled at parts, and at some places I felt butterflies in my stomach all over again. After I've finished uploading everything onto my Facebook page, the tears start falling again. I miss my friends. Why the hell do I have to live so far away?? Why do I have to live here at all? I know all these feelings are not just my imagination; I have changed, and to me it's so deep that it feels like all my cells have been shaken loose of old dust and build-up, and I am more clear now than ever before. Kindof like sweeping the cobwebs from the corners of my apartment. I just can't explain it anymore than this. It just is. I am different.
While I've been mostly expecting to have received a job offer from a company in Calgary with whom I flew out to interview with in March, I am starting to get the feeling that an offer won't be coming any time soon from them. The thing is that I've already prepared myself to leave and I don't think I can stop myself now. I guess maybe this was the push I needed to open my mind to receiving any other experience that comes in. I guess everything really is for a reason. I'm ready for a move. Let it be, let it happen.
My family most likely aren't able to understand the depths of my emotions at this time in my life, and I wonder if they ever really have. They sure don't understand me gallivanting across the Atlantic to attend a "trance" event - to them that seems impractical in a big way. To me that I have fewer and fewer friends with whom I can truly share my experiences with. Well, I guess I'm having myself a bit of a pity party and I've been feeling alone this weekend. If it weren't for the constant companionship of my good friend and confidant, Malcolm, then I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Although Malcolm and I have had our share of ups and downs, he is proving to be my most stead-fast friend. He is an Aries and so is very good at being in the moment, although he certainly can't plan for the future very well. I do just the opposite. So he is helping me to slow down my thoughts, to not jump too fast to conclusions, and to give myself more patience during this changing time. Soon my job will come to an end as the position is being moved to Toronto and restructured in a major way. Of course the news of this pisses me off, but my part in all of this is that I said yes in the first place and when I already had another job offer on the table from a reputable firm. So what have I learned? Can someone tell me please? I imagine I will figure it out sooner or later. I am annoyed, but relieved. And I am also now in a harder spot - I will be out of a job in a very short time. I know changing times are on my door step. I am scared, but I also feel it's high time.
You know, in many ways I feel like I'm re-visiting something here. Revisiting some old lessons or some old habits. I guess I thought I'd cleared it all away but it turns out that I have some hard studying to do yet. The lessons never end, it seems. I've been thrown off course in a big way and I feel like the only thing that I can do to help myself is to remain quiet, humble, and open to anything. I need to also question myself: was I ever on course to begin with?
In the weeks ahead I will remember the friends I've met in Holland and the music and the lights and the happiness that came with it, and I hope that all of that will give me strength. I will remember what they said when they first met me: "You are so BIG! Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not!" When I think of them, I see only bright light. I'm certain these Bright Beings were put here on this planet to give me courage. I'm thankful, because I'm going to need it.
Bring it on.
Charleen xo
