Dear Me is right. :)
Seems like simply saying "dear me!" is an appropriate way to celebrate turning 43, don't you agree? Back in the day I wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday. Nowadays I just don't. I don't know if it's so much an "age" thing, although there is definitely an element of disbelief when I see a 4 and a 3 stuck together and then realize that's my age. But, to be even more clear, it honestly seems to be more like a feeling of not wanting to celebrate me any longer. I admit it.
But I do celebrate myself, just not like I used to. Last night I lit some candles and took a long hot bath - my new "necessary" spa treatment. I sit in the hot water and think, let my thoughts come and go, heal. At 43 I am starting to be a quirky bachlorette. I admit that too.
Today I think I'll really celebrate myself by taking myself to a yoga class at lunchtime. Some of you might screw up your nose at that suggestion, especially when I've been asked to go to lunch by a couple well-wishers and I'm declining. I don't know but that's all I want to do, all I feel like doing. Isn't it absolutely perfect to do exactly what one wants to do on their birthday?
My birth-mom, Sheila, sent me an ecard this morning, and friendly friends from Facebook have messaged me. Text messages and BBM's, emails from people at work who somehow discovered it was my birthday. Friends that I haven't heard from all year and who live far away somehow pull out the stops to remind me that they are thinking of me, flattering me with words like "Another year younger!", or "You're a puma, not a cougar! Puma's are sexier..." I think the most special yet was the voice-note from Ranji, and it also reminded me about the cool features my new blackberry has to offer. All of these greetings have been met with a twinkle of my eye and a warm smile. I feel loved, remembered even. And I admit I don't know if I want to be loved or remembered. Humble doesn't even start to describe how I feel today.
I can't help it - one of the things that I think about is how my ex, for the third year in a row, has not wished me well on my birthday. That one stings so badly that even the thought of it brings hot tears to my eyes and I'm forced to fight them back while sitting here at my desk at work. I am then forced to replace those thoughts with things like: He's not worth the thought! Or: You don't want to hear from him anyways, that would ruin your day! Or: think of all the great friends you have! I often wonder about the battle of trying to fill my thoughts with other thoughts just to replace the feelings that go with them. Like it's some sort of a competition or something. Why not just admit how I feel? Are my thoughts really so bad? I guess what I think is most remarkable about that process is just the fact that my thoughts are so easily replaced nowadays. I am quickly relieved and don't feel crappy for long. Self-judgment doesn't hang around all day like it used to. I just simply let it go. One day, I suppose, I won't have any of those types of thoughts at all. One day.
Friends want to do dinner with me tonight, and even this I have a hard time accepting. One wants to take me to lunch and I feel guilty for saying yes. All these things are playing with my mind today. Why can't I easily accept that I deserve it? Alas, at 43 I really have to take control of those thoughts that tell me that I'm not a good person, not worthy, not "successful", not anything...
I know they're not the truth.
My brother is in town and wants to go for coffee, and it will be nice to see him - my sweet kid brother with the big heart and the laugh that comes easily. The guy who stood up for me ferociously when I told him about my separation. I will always remember that. I have a lot to learn from him. When I look at him I think that life is really good.
With a busy week ahead at work and a trip to the Netherlands to look forward to, I am more than happy to let this day quietly slip by. Although it is nice to recognize it, even just a little. I'll accept that. That feels alright.
I'll accept me. :)
Charleen xo
Seems like simply saying "dear me!" is an appropriate way to celebrate turning 43, don't you agree? Back in the day I wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday. Nowadays I just don't. I don't know if it's so much an "age" thing, although there is definitely an element of disbelief when I see a 4 and a 3 stuck together and then realize that's my age. But, to be even more clear, it honestly seems to be more like a feeling of not wanting to celebrate me any longer. I admit it.
But I do celebrate myself, just not like I used to. Last night I lit some candles and took a long hot bath - my new "necessary" spa treatment. I sit in the hot water and think, let my thoughts come and go, heal. At 43 I am starting to be a quirky bachlorette. I admit that too.
Today I think I'll really celebrate myself by taking myself to a yoga class at lunchtime. Some of you might screw up your nose at that suggestion, especially when I've been asked to go to lunch by a couple well-wishers and I'm declining. I don't know but that's all I want to do, all I feel like doing. Isn't it absolutely perfect to do exactly what one wants to do on their birthday?
My birth-mom, Sheila, sent me an ecard this morning, and friendly friends from Facebook have messaged me. Text messages and BBM's, emails from people at work who somehow discovered it was my birthday. Friends that I haven't heard from all year and who live far away somehow pull out the stops to remind me that they are thinking of me, flattering me with words like "Another year younger!", or "You're a puma, not a cougar! Puma's are sexier..." I think the most special yet was the voice-note from Ranji, and it also reminded me about the cool features my new blackberry has to offer. All of these greetings have been met with a twinkle of my eye and a warm smile. I feel loved, remembered even. And I admit I don't know if I want to be loved or remembered. Humble doesn't even start to describe how I feel today.
I can't help it - one of the things that I think about is how my ex, for the third year in a row, has not wished me well on my birthday. That one stings so badly that even the thought of it brings hot tears to my eyes and I'm forced to fight them back while sitting here at my desk at work. I am then forced to replace those thoughts with things like: He's not worth the thought! Or: You don't want to hear from him anyways, that would ruin your day! Or: think of all the great friends you have! I often wonder about the battle of trying to fill my thoughts with other thoughts just to replace the feelings that go with them. Like it's some sort of a competition or something. Why not just admit how I feel? Are my thoughts really so bad? I guess what I think is most remarkable about that process is just the fact that my thoughts are so easily replaced nowadays. I am quickly relieved and don't feel crappy for long. Self-judgment doesn't hang around all day like it used to. I just simply let it go. One day, I suppose, I won't have any of those types of thoughts at all. One day.
Friends want to do dinner with me tonight, and even this I have a hard time accepting. One wants to take me to lunch and I feel guilty for saying yes. All these things are playing with my mind today. Why can't I easily accept that I deserve it? Alas, at 43 I really have to take control of those thoughts that tell me that I'm not a good person, not worthy, not "successful", not anything...
I know they're not the truth.
My brother is in town and wants to go for coffee, and it will be nice to see him - my sweet kid brother with the big heart and the laugh that comes easily. The guy who stood up for me ferociously when I told him about my separation. I will always remember that. I have a lot to learn from him. When I look at him I think that life is really good.
With a busy week ahead at work and a trip to the Netherlands to look forward to, I am more than happy to let this day quietly slip by. Although it is nice to recognize it, even just a little. I'll accept that. That feels alright.
I'll accept me. :)
Charleen xo
